Feeling sad....but will get there!

[Moocow72]

Hi All

Well dc's now know about the separation - it was as awful as I thought it would be and there were tears from all four of us but I think we handled it as well as we could and made it clear that none of it was their fault and that we would always be a family, just couldn't live together anymore.

Initially it was a relief, but must admit I'm struggling now (I guess part of the grieving process). Not helped by how easily dh seems to be moving on with his life. When he first talked about separation many weeks ago I knew there was someone else in the shadows for him. He was honest and told me he was friends with someone and he thought it may develop in the future.

So part of me is fuming that despite him saying he's been unhappy for many years and in his words he "gave up" with the marriage a year ago he could only end it when he knew he had someone else on the sidelines.

I'm not an idiot and to be honest don't really want to beat myself up about what may or may not have happened between them but it's obvious that something will and I guess that's something I've got to get my head around. As far as anyone else is concerned (kids, family) we've told them there is no one else involved which does smart a bit for me as even if nothing happened between them when we were still together it's obvious that this is a factor.

But I guess that's his problem and he has to tell kids/family in due course about her and they can draw their own conclusion.

Just desperately trying to keep positive - in hindsight perhaps it would have been better if this had all happened when we were working/at school as finding it hard having so much spare time for the next few days. Grateful that we've got a dog as she's been fantastic company for me and her poor little legs must be tired as she's getting plenty of walks

Love and happy thoughts to all for the year to come xx

Hi everyone
Really interesting reading about everyone enjoying their beds again. I am too. I grew up reading myself to sleep with a book & spending lazy Saturday mornings in bed with a book. Have barely read since meeting H as he can't sleep with light on & had the hump anytime I went to bed before him. Now after I put dc I go over to my bed put on my pjs (another thing I'm loving since the split, always slept in my knicks with H, pjs are so cosy and comforting) and either -watch listen to some catch up tv/Netflix while cross stitching for about an hour before settling down to sleep.
Dd has now starting reading in bed and ds has starting looking at books in bed.
Life is going to be so much more relaxed when we live in separate houses

Great to hear of people putting themselves first, if you don't look after yourself you're no good to your dc

Lonely sounds like a fantastic few days with your ds, enjoy every minute

I've been looking at the 2255 shared access arrangement, I think this sounds really really good, wonder if H will feel the same.

I'm wondering what mediation is going to bring regarding house/access etc

A friend mentioned to me today that she didn't think H would meet anyone else & it wasn't something I'd wondered about & I felt no emotion at all when she said it, even after thinking about it I still don't, I really don't care if he does or not.

She thinks I will because I'm young, I'm not currently bothered or interested in that part of my life at the moment. Me and the dc are all that matter.

Morning mammy.

I think we need to be prepared for them moving on. And although the idea of them having someone else may not cause you any upset. It is when they go off and play happy families with the children it hurts. I have to fully prepare myself for him to have more kids. He is younger than me by 11 years and his ow is younger than him by 11 years. Sometime I think she is mad. I know what he is like. Mostly I am just hurt and sad. For me and the children. But it is what it is and there is no changing it now.

Just have to cross those bridges when we get to them.

Hi mammy thanks for the kind wishes about our mini holiday. It’s the first few proper days we’ve had together and it’s lovely. Am already looking forward to half term when we’ll get the next one.

Although the thought of ex being with someone else in itself is not really bothering me- she’s cruel, selfish and ungrateful as a person and I’m glad I’m shot of her- its the thought of my ds growing up with another man as a father figure is really upsetting. She’ll probably go out and try for another child ASAP. Whether this happens or not I don’t know but it’s a distinct possibility. It’s hard knowing that I will play a relatively small part in my ds’s future, at least in terms of time. It’s not really possible for me to move to be closer to them as my business is not something you can pick up and plonk anywhere. It’s taken decades to get established in its position. Prospects pretty dire for me if I walk away and try to find an alternative elsewhere.

Moo it’s so nice to be called crab! It was my old school nickname and only a few very old friends still call me that. Man me smile warmly seeing you write that. Right, off into the drizzle to buy some cakes now.

I think you're right, my dh is almost 20 years older than me and is on his second family already so children probably won't happen but I definitely can see how it will hurt if/when he's in a new relationship and dc are spending time with his new partner

BTW I wasn't the other woman!

Interesting nickname crab, is it anything to do with a penchant for walking sideways ?

I have been doing a lot of thinking last few days (ouch) and it’s funny you mention about that being a childhood nickname as I’ve been remembering who i used to be many years ago (or trying to!)

I was never an outwardly loud and popular person but always had a good circle of friends and used to be known for a dry/sarcastic wit. Made me realise that in the last few years how much energy it has taken me to keep a brave face on things and to stay in denial about my relationship situation. All those nights of being criticised, put down really took their toll although i didn’t realise it at the time. I just put on a smile, went about my business as normal and to all intents and purposes, had a perfect marriage.

The reality couldn’t have been further from the truth as in reality it was filled with resentment, abuse (mentally) and frustration. I played my part in it too of course, I put my head in the sand and just thought it was all part of being in a long relationship and that it was ok. Of course it wasn’t and I would never have ended it. But for the last few years I have become a shell of a person who was trapped in that situation.

So..... question is who am I now that I’m out of it ? As much as I think it’s important to remember life before ex, obviously as it was 30 years ago I can’t go around behaving like a sixteen year old again (plus I don’t think my hair could withstand another perm!). And I don’t regret it at all as we had good times and two beautiful sons who I love more than I could ever imagine.

But I have found comfort in remembering things I used to do the last time I was single. Nothing too interesting, listening to music more, catching up on soaps again, TV shows etc. Yes there’s been a bit of reminiscing with old songs etc which has been bittersweet.

I guess this is all part of the journey that we’re on and hopefully a good sign that there are still good times to come.

Xx

moocow
I can appreciate where you're coming from, in that you can't go back to who you were prior to the marriage but that the personality you had is still in there. I've distanced myself from a lot of friends over the years due to not being able to commit to meeting them as I couldn't be certain if H would comply and care for dc or not, and friends that could be certain of their arrangements would carry on without me. I hope I can rekindle some of those friendships once we have access days hate calling them that, our days of being solely responsible for the dc sorted out properly.

Evening all.

I do really feel for your situation lonely. You have got the raw end of the deal. But no one can replace your dad and I am sure your son will look forward to his time with you and build a strong relationship as he get older and you can share more interest together.

Moo. I think regardless of relationships. We all grow up and change. I use to be really out going and enjoyed meeting new people. Now I am older I feel very negative about myself. And less confident then in my youth. I think I was very much down trodden in my relationship. I was spoken over and dismissed regularly. And like you I put it down to young family and Life. I felt we were at the point that we could re focus on us and rekindle what we use to have and start to appreciate each other now the children are older and don't need us so much. He had other ideas clearly.

He phoned this morning to check on the children. He put them in a situation that they shouldn't of been involved in and I got angry and told Him it wasn't expectable. He said if I was more approachable he would of called me to get the children. Told him he should know me better than that. Regardless of how I feel about him. The children are always a priority so but of a rubbish start to the day. But been out with the kids and friends and had good time. So the day ended on a better note. Now trying to get us all organised for going away.

Eve have a great holiday, notice the implication from your exh, your fault

eve it’s intereting isn’t it that it is never their fault!

I’ve also been reflecting a lot on who I am and who I became during my marriage. I’ve found it quite unsettling as I almost feel like not only do I really know who ex is anymore ( although my counsellor would say his behaviour tells me exactly) but also in some ways who I am. I look back on the last years of my marriage and I’m shocked at who I became and how it seemed normalised - you put it so perfectly moo, the resentment, frustration - I feel weird saying it but I guess at some level emotional abuse - and also me putting it down to a long term relationship and looking fine from the outside. And the deep, deep unhappiness and not really feeling ‘alive’. It was only really my best friend from childhood who could seenand called me out on what it was doing to me. Even now at some level I instinctively believe my ex when he implies I’m unreasonable, always questioning myself and trying to be fair ( moo I noticed you did that in your post - acknowledging your role in the relationship as soon as you had criticised your ex). I am finding it so hard to move past that.

I also agree eve that the creation of the new ‘family’ by the ex with the kids is very hard - it hurts a lot more than him having a girlfriend. Hearing snippets from the kids about the days out together is difficult.

I too hope that it means that in the end I will end up in a happier place than I was then, rediscover who I am. I am certainly ‘lighter’ around the kids now and really enjoy my time with them ( well most of the time ). I only hope they come through it ok too.

not know

Morning it’s looking like it’s going to be a nice day here. Feeling the opposite inside. Got my beautiful ds asleep in bed next to me and trying not to wake him with my crying. Hoping getting this out on here might help. Not sure what I’m thinking really just incredibly sad at the whole situation. Still sometimes get a sense of disbelief that this has happened and a panic feeling that I must try and get her back. I know.😞

The nickname if like an alliteration. My name starts with c, so I could have been a cow or a caterpillar. Capybara doesn’t really roll off the tongue so crab it was. There was a snake, a tad(pole), an alligator, a mole and a snail in our group of friends. In life I always felt like I was never really going in the same direction as everyone else so maybe it’s not a badly chosen name. Wish my shell was a bit thicker now though. Hugs all xx

Aww crab sorry to hear you’re feeling a bit sad. It’s probably all the emotion and the excitement of having your son with you that is causing you to feel like this.

You are doing brilliantly as a few of us have already said, you have it tough not being with your son as much as you want to and the way you’ve handled things is fantastic. He is very lucky to have such a great Dad and remember no one will ever replace you.

Only advice I can give you is to find a quiet place and just let it out - it’s all part of this long, reluctant journey we find ourselves on.

Once you see your lovely sons face when he wakes up I hope it gives you the lift to go on and enjoy your day with him.

Sorry crab also meant to add I know how you feel with the “I must get them back” mentality. In the first few weeks after ex told me he wanted to separate all I could think of was how to change his mind, how I could change to become the wife he wanted and how there was no way I could consider separation.

And bearing in mind we had been building up to this for some time so it was more unexpected for you than it was for me. But again, it seems a natural part of the journey and to be expected that you will still feel like this from time to time (especially having ds with you).

Hope you have a great day

Morning all. Lonely. Sorry to hear you are struggling. Hope you have a lovely day today. I can't add much more than moo has said. We will all get there

I was feeling really positive this morning then he text have a nice holiday said thanks. And he followed it with by the way I will come and take last of belongings . And I'm back to square one. I have fleeting thoughts of how can I put the family back together. But I know whatever I did it would never of been enough for him. I could never get it quite right whatever I did. He was never prepared to compromise and this whole situation is because of that.

Change is frightening. And I hate everything about it. But I also know ultimately the kids will have a much happier home without him here. I just need to grieve for the family and future I thought I had. And learn to cope with the children free time that is being enforced upon me.

I have got to keep the kids entertained until we leave at three. Going to be a long day here.

Well it’s a much better day now for reading that moo. Thank you so much. Dunno where I’d be without you lot. You’re right about letting it out, each time I get like that and then pull myself together I feel just a tiny bit stronger than I did before. A process that I may have to repeat another hundred times, maybe a thousand, but I know I’ll get there.

I’m guessing the 72 in your name is your year of birth? Same as me! (Virtual high five if I got that right)

Thinking bout you eve and your holiday. Am doing a little dance to the rain gods to stay away for the next few days for you...,

Evening all

crab will call you that now as it was a nickname and a bit more positive than Lonely . Glad you are feeling a bit better now, I’m sure you are right that each time we feel overwhelmed and come through it does make us stronger. It must be so hard for you having the intensity of seeing your DS and then having what must feel like a long period without him.

eve I think you are right change is hard. Particularly change forced on you. But I guess hopefully change can also be good, help us learn and move to a new better place.

I’m feeling weirdly nervous about being in y own in the house without the kids this weekend ( they are staying at ex’s flat sat night). It’s silly as I’ve obviously been without them and they have been with him but realised this is the first time ever I will have been at the house without them here. It’s making me feel quite emotional and feels like it is really bringing the kids of my family unit back home to me again. I too sobbed last night having looked at them in bed. I’m sure it will actually be fine of course and I just need to woman up!

Have a lovely evening everyone - hope the sun shine soon for you on your hols eve

Morning all. Well the children survived and we arrived in one piece. Bit of a juggling act flying with them both. But mission accomplished. Text him to let him know we had landed as I would like the same information information.

Mixed emotions. We would usually come as a family. So all bitter sweet. Bit also long list of positives that he isn't here. So trying to stay focused. Sun is out and we are going to the beach with some friends today.

I love. It takes some getting use too being home without the kids. Thankfully he has had the kids few hours at weekends so I have got more use to it. And the warmer weather is on its way I plan to do the garden and some decorating. So will be kept busy.

Hope everyone is ok today. And the sun is shining back home.

Morning eve, glad you made it! I’m flying solo with mine in the summer hols and anticipating it will be interesting. It definitely feels funny going away with them on your own.

I dreamt about my ex last night - nothing exciting just that we were at the train station going somewhere and he was late. Made me feel oddly sad when I woke up.

Thinking about going to the ballet on my own on sat evening. It is something I used to do a lot pre kids when ex was away with his sport. So it is tied up with a lot of memories of a happier time and I haven’t managed to go since having kids. Part of me wants to go and part of me is worried I would find it emotional. I think I might give it a try though.

I love. Defiantly go. I am hating every second of this. But know when we get home I will feel a sense of achievement. Sure you will enjoy your evening.

eve oh no - I hope you start to get into the flow of it soon and start enjoying it. I think you are right though unless we do these things we won’t move on. I suppose it is part of accepting this is our new reality.

I’m going away for the first time other than to my mums on the May bank holiday and am dreading it. But like you feel it needs to be done. Hugs and hope you have something nice for you this evening

So I booked - thanks for the encourage ment eve Using a gift certificate from ex as well. Feeling sad now but hopefully will rediscover something I used to enjoy

ilovecrumpets that first hasn't happened for me yet, it was meant to last weekend but then the family he had planned to visit weren't home so it fell through, he told me two days after he found out that it wasn't happening. I know because a friend had already told me they weren't going, he doesn't know I knew this though and if I raised it, he'd say 'oh I forgot'

Definitely go to ballet if you enjoy it, will be an independent move without having to deal with people. I'm going to run and go to cinema a lot when I don't have dc I think.

I've been away twice with the dc but just to my parents and I'd nearly always do that alone anyhow, I suppose it's the first family occasion that he's not going to be present at, but my family support me and the dc are used to Daddy not being at events so won't even notice. He works a lot/chooses not to participate.

eve well done on making journey alone and for being mature enough to text too. I call him and let dd speak to him and that ticks those boxes too.

crab hope all's going well for you with your ds

Afternoon everyone just done handover and it all went fine. Ds’s bottom lip came out a bit and he looked pretty sad but he held it together as I kissed him goodbye till next time. Feeling quite strong today, yesterday I was feeling fairly emotional as you can see from my post. We had an awesome ride on the forest, the sun was out and although it was drying rapidly we got plenty of mud on our faces. Had a little stop by a beautiful stream and I just couldn’t hold it together. My son saw me crying for the first time in his life and I tried to explain why without blame or any sort of resentment. Just said that I was sad that we were not all together, and that I missed his mum. Also said that sometimes grown ups stop being friends and although it’s sad that’s just life. And that we’d always, always be there for him no matter what.

It’s a lot of firsts for pretty much everyone here it seems. I know in the long run these things will become the normal and it will work out fine, but it’s hard getting used to it all. Group hug xx

Just checking in to say hello. I've not posted here for a while but I've been keeping an eye on the thread and it has helped me even though I've not felt like posting up till now.

Still ups and downs but keeping the faith that things will turn out ok in the end. I spent a bit of time with my ex today and he was in such a bad mood it really brought me down too. But at least it reminded me of all the times he would take his bad mood out on me and why I made the right decision. My situation differs to many of yours as I instigated our split, and I expect him to feel animosity towards me, and be in a foul mood, but when I think about it, it's actually no worse than it was during the marriage.

I think the stress of splitting up has crept up on me. I've spent a long time trying to be strong and hold it together for DC (who shows anger & stress), along with the worry of finances and other practical things of life alone.

I'm trying to just strip back my life to just the essentials and not add in any way to my current stresses (i.e not over-commit or stretch myself). Just trying to be kind to myself I suppose.

Sending positive thoughts to you all