Feeling sad....but will get there!

[Moocow72]

Hi All

Well dc's now know about the separation - it was as awful as I thought it would be and there were tears from all four of us but I think we handled it as well as we could and made it clear that none of it was their fault and that we would always be a family, just couldn't live together anymore.

Initially it was a relief, but must admit I'm struggling now (I guess part of the grieving process). Not helped by how easily dh seems to be moving on with his life. When he first talked about separation many weeks ago I knew there was someone else in the shadows for him. He was honest and told me he was friends with someone and he thought it may develop in the future.

So part of me is fuming that despite him saying he's been unhappy for many years and in his words he "gave up" with the marriage a year ago he could only end it when he knew he had someone else on the sidelines.

I'm not an idiot and to be honest don't really want to beat myself up about what may or may not have happened between them but it's obvious that something will and I guess that's something I've got to get my head around. As far as anyone else is concerned (kids, family) we've told them there is no one else involved which does smart a bit for me as even if nothing happened between them when we were still together it's obvious that this is a factor.

But I guess that's his problem and he has to tell kids/family in due course about her and they can draw their own conclusion.

Just desperately trying to keep positive - in hindsight perhaps it would have been better if this had all happened when we were working/at school as finding it hard having so much spare time for the next few days. Grateful that we've got a dog as she's been fantastic company for me and her poor little legs must be tired as she's getting plenty of walks

Love and happy thoughts to all for the year to come xx

Hi eve

So sorry your ex messed you around with the kids this weekend - that must make it even harder to try and plan ‘me time’ and also to start to get used to it. I’ve got this lurking feeling mine is going to try for 50/50 - tonight he mentioned he is still intending to move nearer so he can have them during the week. Coincidentally after I tried to assert a boundary!

I admire how you are standing your ground with your ex - it’s hard to take back ground when you have a difficult ex and thesynamic of a marriage sitting behind you. I think you are right it is important though.

The clean sheets made me smile - I actually treated myself to some new bedding this weekend. Can’t really afford it but just didn’t like still sleeping in the bedding I shared with him ( I know it sounds a bit bonkers!). Can’t wait to get in it this evening.

Have a good week everyone xx

I love I bought new bedding after he left. Think it is an instinct thing. Enjoy!

He has gone from wanting the kids all weekend (but wasn't expecting that to include over night). To maybe a few hours Sunday afternoon. Told him he either gives me a time or not to bother. The children and I are not going to sit around on a maybe.

Also trying to get him to commit to eow. He said isn't practical right now. Told him it isn't fair. I need free time too. And he has a place now so can start having them.

Dd came back without her jumper. I'm sick of them coming back with something missing. He said she didn't have it. But in his defence. When he found it. He did apologies. Remains to be see. If it comes back to me though.

He is also finally coming for his stuff tomorrow. Bit sad but more pleased to be able to get things where I want them to be.

I just want to get into a routine and move on. I hate him for all this and don't ever want to lay eyes on him again.

I wanted peoples thoughts on dc birthday. I book something bit special and is a little expensive. The charitable side of me knows I should give him the opportunity to be there. Not that he has done before. But the bigger part of me doesn't want him there. I have arranged it and paid for it. And I want to enjoy the event. And if he is there he will spoil it for me. And I know it isn't about me and I should think of dc. But I am not sure I am able to be that charitable.

eve I think you should go with your instinct re the birthday. If you aren’t comfortable with him being there then that is OK. It isn’t as if he is bending over backwards to see them.

Will he get to see the DC at some point on the day? A compromise might be to ensure that is offered if possible or the next day I’d not ( I don’t mean at your house!)

Thank you for the reply. Party is a few days before. And it is in a weekend which is mine. But was happy for him to have them in the afternoon in the day and take them for tea. I just don't want him taking all the glory. And I really can't stand the sight of the man.

Then don’t invite him. Do what you feel comfortable with. This is what he has chosen.

Eve if the activity means that the dc would be free in the afternoon offer that to their dad, I like to think I'll be able to rise above it when it comes to these situations but until it happens to me personally who knows if I can or can't

I don't know if I'm further in journey or am just performing self preservation at the moment or not dealing with reality of situation I'm in

My dm came to stay, she could easily have slept in with me or in my bed & I stay with dc but no the martyr changed his bedclothes and slept on the couch, more drama & to make dm feel sorry for him I guess

She wanted to know who I've told and was concerned that my cousin might have told dm's side of the family, she won't have but I couldn't give a flying fuck if she has

Morning everyone

Hope everyone is having an ok or even good time!

Was musing this morning - if people don’t mind me asking! - but what, if anything, is everyone doing to move the separation/divorce forward?

I often feel like I’m in a bit of a limbo but don’t know if I should do anything tomoush things, as in some ways current situation works for me. My ex- despite his other behaviour - is still contributing fully. I’m wondering though if I should do something more to sort out the finances a bit more - I could pay the mortgage myself, definitely from September when childcare costs drop. I’m not sure how I’d work out other contributions though. Also thinking whether should try and formalise stuff around the kids. Or is it ok to just stay as is for the moment.

Sorry rambling!

Morning I love. If what you are doing suits you both then there is no reason to make any changes.

We weren't married. And I owed the house before he moved in. We remortgaged over the years because of his debts. So I saw a solicitor and we worked out at this time the equity he is owed isn't a lot. I am looking to sell the garage to raise the funds rather than increase the mortgage.

We agreed an amount he pays to support the children. I got first payment finally at the beginning of April. It is less than the cms calculator. But it's enough to provide for kids.

I took my mortgage back to 24 years so we aren't struggling. Quality of life now is more important to me. And who knows. What is further down the line.

I have taken his name off my pensions. And Life insurances. And I have rewritten my will. Everything goes to the kids.

I'm hoping once garage sells he will sign himself off the deeds. And when mortgage comes round to fixing again I can hopefully get it in just my name.

I am pushing him to have kids eow. And I am sure once settled in his flat that will become the routine. We will have to see on that on. Currently a wedding puss up was more important than having his kids this weekend even though I said they were available.

Think it was still unnecessary. He shouldn't of let us get to the point he wanted to walk. But he has always been a selfish man. And someone else caught his eye. And anyone who does that and is happy to walk away from their children is not someone I want in my life. I plan to stay no contact. I want nothing to do with the man moving forward. He is of as much interest to me than a stranger on the street. And I do not plan to waste any more of my time on him. He doesn't deserve it. And I am sure that makes me sound bitter. Which maybe I am. It is not that. It is that he means nothing to me now so I don't have to give him my time or energy.

Ilove if it's working for you both and you're confident that it'll continue there's no need to change anything right now

Eve you seem much stronger now than you were even a week ago

eve thanks - you seem like you have really organised things which I think must help going forwards.

I think I would like to sort things a bit more - as ideally he would move to a flat nearby. I don’t know if this is still partly him making me feel bad though. Ideally I’d sit down with him but that doesn’t seem to work. Have tried emailing and he doesn’t respond!

I think I’d like to get a bit more of a formal interim position both financially and for the kids ( if that makes any sense!). Again though at the moment I have the kids most of the time which I like and he is still paying the same as when he lived here - so I don’t k ow where my motivation to change things comes from. Plus he will get his bonus and can use that for a flat if he isn’t sharing it. And I guess it has only been a couple of months.

Hi everyone hope you are all ok. Wouldn’t say I’m having a good time exactly but managing most of the time to look to the future. Have been nc for almost a month now (as much as possible but obviously in touch to sort out times for ds) and it’s really helping put everything in the past. No new information from her or her life, I couldn’t care less. Am realising things about her character that were pretty selfish and unpleasant now I pull back from it all.

Once ds finishes this academic year I will hopefully be moving back in. Money to buy her out is coming from several places and not quite 100% but getting there. I’ve told her to take every last thing from the house, apart from stuff that’s always been mine which is very little. All the stuff we bought together, or I bought for our home must go. I need a clean break. All this talk of clean sheets- im getting rid of the whole bed! Am going to redecorate top to bottom too.

mammy I don’t think he would change atm but can never 100% trust him.

I think my problem is I have always hated feeling like I owe anyone anything, or that I am not 100% honest and fair with money. I think the current situation makes me feel uncomfortable because of that.

Having said that if he keeps his bonus I maybe feel a bit better about it. Plus come September childcare will drop so much things become much more manageable (although again I will cover way more).

If in really honest I suppose I like how it works re the children and don’t really want to move to him having them during the week ( is rather he came here and did bath and bed). I’d also like to stay in the house as long as possible whilst I try to decide what to do long term. So there is a part of me that thinks if I make it seem more ‘fair’ and sustainable to him he won’t push things? Maybe if I suggest he uses the bonus for the flat for the moment and then we try and work out a position for September onwards for both childcare and finances.

Sorry I’m thinking out loud here!

New bed is even better lonely!

New bed is next on my list.

I have good days and bad days. Just like us all. But I am always practical. And felt a little smug thinking if the worst happened to me. He would have to pay the children rent to live in the house with them. And besides he is a financial car crash so the sooner I can get financially separated the better.

Think in your situation I love I would sit tight until September. Maybe get some legal advice so you know what to expect.

Evening all. How did everyone's weekend go? I was ticking along ok till last few hours. Kids went off with their dad and ow. For few hours this afternoon and the over whelming emotion I feel is like I am back at day one. I'm a mess all over again. How does he think playing happy families with her is affecting the kids. He has had the children on his own once maybe twice since he left. He won't be giving it any thought I know and even if it was pointed out he wouldn't give a shit.

I really want this to stop hurting now. I want to get to the point I don't care. It can't come fast enough.

Hi eve, sorry you are feeling low. The kids and the OW is really hard - my ex had my kids today and the OW was there. I just genuinely don’t get why. Even if the kids don’t mind her they’d rather just be with him ( and my eldest is uncomfortable with it). Ironic given the ex always used to go on to me about how easy it was to look after the kids on your own and how much he enjoyed it, when I was struggling with PND!

Was feeling down myself today and just though I’m getting so bored with feeling sad now. I just want to move on ( and not have to deal with the ex!).

Hope the kids are back with you now and all settling in for the night

I love. Thank you for taking the time to reply. I am sorry you are struggling too. I am reassured that it does get easier. We have just got to keep our heads down. Smile and keep pushing through. There will be a time it won't feel so bad. Like child birth I guess.

The children have returned home very emotional and upset. So have told him this. I am sick of having to deal with the fall out. He can't do anything and I don't want him to. But I want him to know this is having an impact upon them. And it isn't all roses.

eve sorry that the DC are finding it hard, I find with mine they are particularly emotional at handover points and just afterwards ( my eldest DS has been so much more settled the last few days just the three of us). I know what you mean about wanting them to understand there is an impact - my ex just completely refuses to acknowledge there is any at all and insists the kids are ‘fine’. I suspect they will only see what they want to see.

And yes we just have to keep going and trust it will start to get easier. Apart from anything else it just feels so hard at the moment.

I love. Yes those bloody blinkers need knocking off. We will all be ok. Because there isn't any other bloody option. But the blood sweat and tears it takes to get there are ours and the children. They just get to swan off to their happy new lives. Without giving us a second thought.

I have two weeks of no contact now and will try to keep it that way. We are off to see family on Wednesday. So hoping to see some sunshine.

Then need to confirm full weekend contact. And chase up for some outstanding money. So need to send an email. But other than that I am hoping for radio silence. If I can

Hope everyone has a good week to look forward too and maybe some dry weather.

Have a lovely holiday eve and enjoy the kids

Hi everyone hope you all well. Am enjoying the first of three full days with my ds and it’s great! Had along journey down yesterday and he was fine. Last bit was double decker bus, we were up top and he loved it! Still waiting on what’s happening with me buying out ex before I get a car- need to see how much cash I’ve got left before I splurge.

Suddenly not looking so great on the buy out front. Got my mortgage approved but needing extra funds from family and that’s the tricky bit. Will be sad if it doesn’t come off but in other ways will be easier; fresh start and all that.

Meeting a friend tmro at a local activity farm. Looking forward to that. And then for bike rides with my son on the forest on Wednesday as it’s gonna be sunny. Apparently.

Hi all

Crab - have a fantastic few days with your boy ! Sounds like it will be a great “lad n dad” experience !

Had to laugh when you were talking about changing beds/linen etc. I have always been keen on buying bedding - not expensive stuff but liked getting new duvet sets quite often. Had one in airing cupboard ready to change at Christmas so once I knew when ex was leaving I waited until he’d gone before changing it!

I’ve now got my bedroom just how I want it - treat myself to an internet/dab radio for my birthday as I always grew up listening to music/radio when I went to sleep and then when I moved in with ex that obviously stopped as it would disturb him. So I have that set up on one bedside table, and my iPad on the other ! I have really fallen in love with my bed again since the split ! Just me and the dog (she’s non shedding!) in a super king ! it’s bliss !!!

Hope everyone is managing a good week xx

Ha Moo I’m also in a super king but not even with a dog ( although sometimes small children in the mornings!). Am slowly starting to make some changes - intending to paint it. Bought some bright cushions for the living room as had to always fight with ex to get some colour in the house - he always just wanted beige! Figure will need to spruce it up to sell so may as well do bits that make me feel good now.

Saw my counsellor today - still really pushing me to see that making decisions to give me a good life can also be seen as good decisions for the kids and not just selfish. Don’t know why I find this so difficult - I guess I’ve absorbed the ‘ put yourself last when you have kids’ message ( which I don’t see as a good or admirable thing btw). I’m not sure how I became this person.

lonely hope you are having a lovely time with DS!

Paint the bedroom not the actual bed

Evening all

Lonely hope you have lovely time with ds over next few days. And the sun comes out for you.

I love. Good you are making small changes. It can make all the difference. My counsellor is trying to make me think more positively about myself and encourage me to make good use of free time for myself. But like you I have had years of putting the children first and not giving myself any thought. It is a difficult adjustment to make. But an important one I know.

Hope everyone is making good use of their beds. I love having it all to myself although usually have one or the other of the children with me. Or the cat.

Holidays on Wednesday. 🌞