Feeling sad....but will get there!

[Moocow72]

Hi All

Well dc's now know about the separation - it was as awful as I thought it would be and there were tears from all four of us but I think we handled it as well as we could and made it clear that none of it was their fault and that we would always be a family, just couldn't live together anymore.

Initially it was a relief, but must admit I'm struggling now (I guess part of the grieving process). Not helped by how easily dh seems to be moving on with his life. When he first talked about separation many weeks ago I knew there was someone else in the shadows for him. He was honest and told me he was friends with someone and he thought it may develop in the future.

So part of me is fuming that despite him saying he's been unhappy for many years and in his words he "gave up" with the marriage a year ago he could only end it when he knew he had someone else on the sidelines.

I'm not an idiot and to be honest don't really want to beat myself up about what may or may not have happened between them but it's obvious that something will and I guess that's something I've got to get my head around. As far as anyone else is concerned (kids, family) we've told them there is no one else involved which does smart a bit for me as even if nothing happened between them when we were still together it's obvious that this is a factor.

But I guess that's his problem and he has to tell kids/family in due course about her and they can draw their own conclusion.

Just desperately trying to keep positive - in hindsight perhaps it would have been better if this had all happened when we were working/at school as finding it hard having so much spare time for the next few days. Grateful that we've got a dog as she's been fantastic company for me and her poor little legs must be tired as she's getting plenty of walks

Love and happy thoughts to all for the year to come xx

Hi crumps completely understand where you’re coming from. I’d want to know every last detail of how things have been set up too. My ex and ds had being staying only at parents afaik so it’s easy for me to say. It’s early days for all of us and it’s difficult but I guess in the scheme of all the (emotional) turmoil that they are going through, sleeping together in a strange place might but with their dad about might not be so bad if it’s just temporary.
It is important for your dcs to see dad as you say.

Thanks lonely and you are right - this is what I try to keep telling myself, it isn’t the worst thing that can happen. I need to keep perspective. If he wants them to go there e/o weekend then I do think he needs to think where they will sleep etc ( and at least tell me where they are). I genuinely want to have a good co parenting relationship and for them to see their dad a significant amount of their time. But now I feel I can’t trust him as a co parent.

It also didn’t need to happen as I had gone away precisely so he can be in the house with them. He could have spent the whole day with her and just gone back to sleep at the house.

Also - and this is silly and I don’t know why it upsets me! - that he didn’t bother with the Easter decorations the kids had got and made with me to put up and that they weren’t at home Easter morning. It was the first thing my eldest mentioned.

I should add it’s not that he took them somewhere else to stay ( oh he had his own flat I’d be more than happy for him to have them there) it’s that he took them to the flat he lives at with his girlfriend ( who was there) without even telling me.

Thank you Moscow and lovecrumpets.

Lovecrumpets: I have had a funny day today too, just thinking that 2 years have gone past and I am still living with him in the same house! I am allowing myself to waste the best years of my life. I know you are finding it hard the whole situation with the kids meeting the girlfriend, staying over there etc. In case on my DH I know that another woman would make my life a bliss. He would be happy and I would be able to move on, instead he keeps thinking that I am having affairs, I keep finding recording equipment round the house. It is very tiring. Try to put your mind at peace by thinking that he wants (even if it is just a show) to show the kids that he is the best dad ever and his woman is so fantastic as he wants kids to return home to you happy. You will find it easier and easier every time. Think of this peaceful, argument free time you can spend with yourself. You deserve it. The worst is behind you. I cannot think of anything more liberating that returning that one victorious day home and there will be silence. I will switch the telly on and have a glass of wine ON MY OWN! My DH is home almost 24 h a day- driving me crazy!!!! I have lost drive for life, ambition and passion in the last few years. I want my old me back!

Morning all

Welcome mona. Sorry you are finding yourself in this situation. You are handling your circumstances really well. It sounds like a very stressful situation. Have you been and had some legal advice? I'm sorry you don't have family here for support. You can off load here and we will all listen.

I love. I am sorry your weekend has ended in such stress. It was unfair of him to take the children and not let you know of his plans and who they will be spending time with. He like my ex. Is very keen to set up their new 'family' unit. I think in my ex's situation it means someone else gets to do the parenting. He hasn't once had the kids on his own. I don't ask. He tried to tell me where he was going to live and I stopped him dead. I don't want or need to know. I told his very clearly how and what he does when he has the children is none of my business. I have to trust he parents as well as I do. (Fat chance). And in the same vain he has no right to ask me questions are challenge who is in my life. It is hard. My children are old enough to tell me things and we have mutual friends who sometimes tell me things.
I'm not happy about the sleeping arrangements at his. But I can't dictate to him what he does. The children will be on the floor in his room. There is no room for them. I just have to hope that they behave appropriately. And see what happens further down the line. Although I do think the children will both vote with their feet and refuse to sleep over when the excitement has worn off.

Hope the week brings everyone some peace.

Eve I think your approach is actually the best( actually the only practical one given he won’t tell me anyway ). Our exes sound very similar - yes keen to have the new, perfect ‘family’ unit but also I suspect to as he has never had the kids on his own and doesn’t want to now ( not even sure he conciously realises that). Mine also sleeping on the floor ( although I assume they have to sort something proper out at some point if they have them regularly?). Unfortunately no mutual friends so I have to get used to knowing nothing about their time with him ( also have little confidence in his parenting tbh - he doesn’t watch the littlest near roads etc).

It can’t be good for the kids though - I just don’t get why they don’t think about how to handle things well for their kids? But I guess that is who they are unfortunately.

It’s so depressing to think about being stuck having to deal with this for the years to come.

Anyway hope everyone is getting a bit of dry weather!

Evening all. Having what is becoming my normal mid week slump. Finding it really hard whenever I have time to myself to not get sucked into a pit of self loathing and depression. I’m alright when I’m working but as soon as I stop it just comes flooding back. I know this will ease and I’ll get a handle on it as time passes.

Reading back my post from last night I’m sorry if I sounded flippant crumps. I wouldn’t be happy in your situation either. Stability is really needed by your dcs right now and kipping on a near strangers floor is not it.

I’ve not instigated any FaceTime this week, I thought I’d leave it to ds/ex. Nothing, not a peep and just feeling a bit lonely and unloved now. They’re up at her parents with loads of family. We went up many times for Easter and this year I’m alone with my mum and dad and I’m not coping too good. Trying to shield this all from my poor parents as they’ve had to deal with all this and they’re in their 70s.

Was feeling quite good yesterday I guess this is the flip side. Will focus on Sunday when I have ds for a few days. Sorry for the rant and self pity and hope you all doing ok.

Hi lonely no you didn’t sound flippant - genuinely it was helpful because you were right, I can’t control it and it isn’t the worst thing that could happen. I shouldn’t project my worries and concerns onto the boys.

Sorry to hear you are now in a down place, it must be so hard being away from your DS so much. As Moo said earlier it does make me think - however idiotic my ex is being - how important the relationship with a Dad is ( if they are a caring, decent dad of course!). I know what you mean about when there is the structure of work, the interaction life seems much more manageable. These down times are so much harder as there is. I distraction. I hope you start to lift again xxx

I got home to a few other things ex had kept from me/not done what we agreed. They had however done an Easter party for me and bought me an egg. Ex was being my reasonable and cheery. D.C. going on about how nice it was of daddy to have thought of doing the party for me and getting me an egg when I hadn’t got him one. Plus how sad it was that daddy was made homeless (!) and had to live in a really small flat.

Somehow I ended up feeling like the bad one and guilty and saying he could come round on Thursday when we had agreed I would have a couple of days I was taking as holiday just me and the kids. I don’t know how to move on from letting him get to me so I feel like I’m the unreasonable one who overreacts like this. It is a pattern from my marriage and I can’t seem to break it.

I also had to listen to the kids going on about everything they’d done with ex’s ow and staying with her and the Easter stuff she had bought them. Most of the time it doesn’t get to me but tonight I just feel so alone - far away from my family and friends, replaced by the woman he had an affair with.

Aww crumps hugs to you.

That must be so hard hearing about OW from the kids, they are at the age where they just take things at face value and don’t see the bigger picture. But they will always love you more than anyone else in the world - and let’s face it, OW could just be a passing phase and may disappear from their lives as quickly as she appeared.

But fair play to you for rising above the situation with ex, but please make sure you take care of yourself and don’t bend over backwards too much for ex at the expense of what you want/need.

But I am not really one to talk as I am exactly the same, always end up feeling like the bad guy in situations where to be honest I have acted reasonably ! But people can take advantage of this, as ex is doing with you really. But you are the bigger person as despite how nicey nicey he is behaving, he is basically a little $hit and he knows it !

Take care xx

Sorry to hear you are both struggling. Lonely hope tomorrow is a better day for you

I love. I know it isn't easy trying to not engage. Kids have said I few things that I haven't agreed with. And I try to say something neutral. I have kept boundaries very clear his time is his and the rest is Home. He made the choice and has to live with the consequences. When he left he said he would done one tea time a week and take the kids out. That hasn't happened once. So he will see the children eow. I know your circumstance are a bit more complicated. But he has taken the children to his place now. So there is no reason for him to have contact in your home. Time to get tough with him. Although I know your children are younger. And you have gone above and beyond to ensure they continue to have a relationship with their dad. It might be time to step back and see what happens.

I had a sad thought today. My mum remarried twice after my dad. The second time was a blended family and it was awful. And it occurred to me that I couldn't put my children in that situation and that the chance of me being with someone else was even more remote than I first thought it might be. I will be an. Old lady with many cats instead.

Thanks Moo and eve

moo yes it’s trying to not let the whole thing change who you are fundamentally but at the same time being able to draw a boundary I guess. Definitely something to work on!

eve yes I am going to say that at the weekends now he will take the kids to his when he has them on a Saturday night ( and also to try and persuade him to have some stuff there for them). Much better for me! He can’t have them there during the week as too far but him coming here to do bedtime in the week doesn’t bother me so much ( actually allows me to work later) so I can let that continue until we get less childcare costs in September.

I know what you mean about blended families, must be very difficult to get one that works. And yes it does lessen the chance of meeting someone. It’s hard.

On the plus side ex agreed to go to mediation about the kids this evening - to try to agree on an approach to parenting and taking decisions around the kids and formalise it a bit more. I hope it might help having a third party there - although whether he would actually stick to anything is another question!

Eve I'm not even fond of cats and was thinking in shakedown of us separating and dividing up pets I'd take the cat and half the hens dogs are too much for me to take on on my own and I definitely don't need all the hens

You could meet someone who doesn't want their own children or whose children are grown up, don't rule it in or out

Hope he didn't tell dc he would take them to tea one day a week and then not do it

Crumpets sorry to hear you're having such a sad time

Lonely if you don't instigate FaceTime your ex won't and is ds old enough to look for it himself?

Hi mammy I know I could have asked but I guess I was hoping she’d prompt it for once. My son is 6 so understands what FaceTime is but not how to dial etc.

My dd is almost 8 but probably wouldn't think of asking to FaceTime and definitely wouldn't have the concept of it having been a while since she last did it.
It would be lovely if your ex could be generous and kind enough to prompt this but it doesn't sound like she is.

Hi mammy how are you doing?

We have some brief sun here this morning. Feeling much brighter for a sleep in my own bed and waking up with the kids. Hope everyone has a lovely day and thank you all for your support the last few days

Rant alert.

Apparently. The e mail I sent wasn't clear enough. And he was not expecting to have the children sleeping over. And doesn't have anything for them. So back to square one this weekend. I'm not surprised. My poor kids don't know weather they are coming or going. On his head be it.

That really is truly crap. Sorry you’ve got to deal with such a self absorbed muppet. Anyway it’s only Wednesday can’t he sort his life out? Probably not tbh. Hugs to you and you dcs x

I'm good H is shopping for a van with three seats, first acknowledgement of things changing.

Have had a wonderful couple of days off work with dc and feeling strong still and positive about the future too

Eve wtaf he wasn't expecting to have the dc sleeping over?

Hi all, mind if I jump on-board?

I left ea & sa husband in November last year, tried to leave earlier but he told me I wasn't allowed. Anyway I had a solictor send him a letter outlining the marriage was over and requesting mediation. He decided he'd "convince" me to stay by forcing himself on me. I had good friends who I confided in and they convinced me to report him. I did and now have a barring order. It was horrific but he was caugjt out lying on the stand.

We have 2 DS, 6 and 1, the eldest is taking it quite hard. He's still trying to gain control and I'm waiting to go to court to have access and mediation set by a judge. Stop him deciding when/if he's taking the boys or if he'll be paying this week.

It's been constant mind games and manipulation since I told him it was over. Although he did tell a mutual friend the other week that he would forgive me and take me back if I apologised and agreed to drop the barring order. He's nothing if not generous!

I know I've done the right thing, but he does have a way of making me doubt myself, sometimes I wonder if I really have wronged him, if it is all my fault, if DS's will be badly affected. I need to find a way to deal with this bacause there's another 18years of this at least!!!

@Dozenmorewonthurt wow well done you on making a stand and seeing it through, and you're truly blessed to have such great friends.

Hopefully you won't be waiting too much longer for court to decide on access and maintenance rights.

Are you getting counselling to help you become emotionally stronger after all you've been through?

Thanks mammy, I feel like I'm on autopilot. It doesn't feel like I've done these things, it seems like it's someone else.
I've started counselling, it's slow, I've a lot more to go through than I thought. I'm very lucky to have my friends, I honestly thought I'd none left. He had me convinced that I was a terrible person and any of the friends that did stay I pushed away. They "weren't nice", he used to start rumours, I see now he was cutting me off from any type of support, but I called and they were there, something I will forever be grateful for.

dozen you've got to build yourself back up to the person you once were, at least that's how I feel. I feel like I'm a shadow of my former self even though others might disagree, obviously 13 years on with 2 dc I'm not the fun loving girl I once was, but I was that person 7 years ago so she disappeared in that time frame and hopefully I can nourish her and bring her to the fore once more.

Oh I know how you feel! We've been together since I was 17, I'm 30 now and I've no idea who I am. Our kids deserve a happy confident mum! And we deserve to be that person, I just need to stop letting him dictate and control everything and take time for me. I feel like that's easier said than done
How have you started? If that's not too forward!

I'm making more time for my friends, have taken up an old hobby, taken control of my eating habits to shed excess weight and I've done the freedom programme online too.

Evening all. Sorry to hear you have found yourself here. But you sound like you are handling things very well.

My counsellor said for me to look at how I carve out time for me. So you are much further along the self care thing than I am mammy. The closest thing I could come up with is I love a clean bed and see it as a treat. Not that I don't change the bed every week. I know I need to make the most of the child free time I will have. But it is not through choice.

Life continues to be a roller coaster. Have locked horns with kids Dad over few things the past few days. It sucks. But I'm not going to be pushed around any more.

Hope everyone has a good weekend and the sun continues to shine.