Feeling sad....but will get there!

[Moocow72]

Hi All

Well dc's now know about the separation - it was as awful as I thought it would be and there were tears from all four of us but I think we handled it as well as we could and made it clear that none of it was their fault and that we would always be a family, just couldn't live together anymore.

Initially it was a relief, but must admit I'm struggling now (I guess part of the grieving process). Not helped by how easily dh seems to be moving on with his life. When he first talked about separation many weeks ago I knew there was someone else in the shadows for him. He was honest and told me he was friends with someone and he thought it may develop in the future.

So part of me is fuming that despite him saying he's been unhappy for many years and in his words he "gave up" with the marriage a year ago he could only end it when he knew he had someone else on the sidelines.

I'm not an idiot and to be honest don't really want to beat myself up about what may or may not have happened between them but it's obvious that something will and I guess that's something I've got to get my head around. As far as anyone else is concerned (kids, family) we've told them there is no one else involved which does smart a bit for me as even if nothing happened between them when we were still together it's obvious that this is a factor.

But I guess that's his problem and he has to tell kids/family in due course about her and they can draw their own conclusion.

Just desperately trying to keep positive - in hindsight perhaps it would have been better if this had all happened when we were working/at school as finding it hard having so much spare time for the next few days. Grateful that we've got a dog as she's been fantastic company for me and her poor little legs must be tired as she's getting plenty of walks

Love and happy thoughts to all for the year to come xx

Hugs Eve. Sorry you’re feeling so down, hey that makes two of us. I was having an up day on the rollercoaster yesterday but I think I’m about to have another dive bomb. Ds and ex have gone away for a week to her parents and I’ve got nothing but work to fill my holiday. 10 days till I see him again now.

Was realising yesterday what a truly bad person my ex was for doing this and it was making me feel ok. Or at least ok that I don’t have to ignore all the crap I’ve had to put up with for years now.

My son is gutted and I do worry that things are going to be really tough for him once he and ex move. Nothing has really changed for him yet (I’ve just “disappeared” from the family home) and he asked yesterday when I met him for a quick burger if I was coming away for Easter. I sadly said no and tried to explain why when he asked. None of us wanted this for our kids and yes, it’s truly heartbreaking that it has to be this way. At least we can hold our heads high knowing that we always had our dc’s best interest at heart. Such a shame others can’t put in that effort and just give up. Sorry if that’s not much help but just wanted to say you’re not alone.

And crumps I love the thought of gardening your boundaries! Nothing like a big sturdy hedge. One with big spiky thorns in it that my ex can’t get through....

Thank you for taking the time to reply. It is appreciated. Big pity party going on here. He just 'popped' in with Easter eggs. The first he has ever bought. But at least he made the effort. Although came to get some things. Thenleft.

Wish he would sod off to the far side off nowhere and stay there.

Lonely. I don't know how to pm. But I think you are local ish to me. If you want a cuppa and a rant I will happily join in and listen.

Got to get eldest to scout camp. Hope it is a dry weekend in the new forest. Fingers crossed.

Going to get my big girl pants on and face the world.

Sunnier days aren't far away.

Yeah eve a cuppa and a rant sounds good. Have pm’d u.

Hope you feeling a bit better. I was crying most of Tuesday and Wednesday and felt much better for it yesterday. I read on some cheesy American divorce website that tears are the ice that has been put around our hearts melting, and us becoming normal again. Pass the sick bag I know but it’s not a bad way to think about it I reckon.

I’ve got a feeling when the weather changes it’s gonna bypass spring and go straight to summer. Such a bloody long miserable winter this year but I actually don’t mind. It matches my life at the mo. Hugs all

Ha lonely the large spilt hedge is a good one!

I’m feeling much worse about going away tomorrow than I thought I would. I’m not really sure why - I wonder if it is because I’m going back home, and I only ever go there with the kids ( or previously as a family) apart from when I used to have to go up last year on my own when my dad was dying. I really feel quite tearful and anxious about it. It feels different or having planned a weekend away with a friend.

Made me also think how hard it will be when ex presumably takes them on holiday in the summer. At least this time they are at home.

Think I feel worse because my eldest - who in the loveliest way is my more ‘difficult’ child - got upset I was going away. It’s the longest I will have been away from them - and only 3 nights - which actually just makes me reflect how bonkers my life was. Because ex was away or doing his thing all the time and I don’t have family near I have never really been apart from the kids at all - not even for a day on a Saturday other than a handful of times. I don’t think it was really good for them and me but it makes now having to be away from them that much harder for us all ( and tbh makes me resent ex even more).

spiky not split

I love. You are in my thoughts. I hope you have a nice few days. You are very strong. And have but the children first. You are a better person than I am. He wanted to have kids here when this first kicked off but I couldn't play happy families. And still can't stand the sight of the man. It will soon be Monday. Hope they have nice few days with their dad. As I child the transition from each parent always made me sad. But I enjoyed being with my dad once I was there.

He will have them next weekend. I have filled every min of the weekend. Kids are excited. I fully expect after a few weekends it will be less fun. But just have to see how it goes. I also expect a few months in that he will be getting fed up of having his weekends dictated by the kids. But he might surprise me on that one.

Think we all need to harness our spiky hedges and protect ourselves.

Lonely. My two asked if Dad was coming away with us when we go. It is horrible having to explain it to them. They don't deserve this in anyway. It just breaks your heart doesn't it.

Today is the day he is coming for the rest of his stuff. I'm not as tearful as yesterday. I want to ask him to leave his keys. I know technically he has a right to entry. But he no longer needs them in my opinion. And he is now a guest here so should not let himself in. Not that he comes in to get kids. Just text to send them out. But apparently I am the one making everything awkward. 🙄

Right Iets see what today brings.

There’s no way I could handle playing happy families either right now eve, which is why I’m so impressed crumps can manage doing a birthday together. I spose in a few months time it might be different for us. I’m seeing her for who she really was/is now and the thought of being with her makes me feel a bit sick tbh. Doesn’t make it all go away though as my sadness is more about losing the family unit rather than her. If it was just her it would be a whole lot easier.

lonely and eve thank you for your kind thoughts. Am on the train now, big hugs from the kids before I went.

I think we are all doing our best muddling through. Tbh I’m not sure my approach has been the best one, perhaps it has just taken me longer to see my ex for who he really is whereas you both got there more quickly? I’m definitely going to put pressure on him now to find somewhere to have the kids e/o weekend.

He told me as I was leaving this morning that he is taking the kids to see where he lives this weekend. I replied you mean to spend the weekend there with your girlfriend - to which he said yes. So I think they are only really sleeping at the main house. He has also clearly forgotten he was pretending he was living with someone else not her!

I feel like an idiot for going away - clearly he doesn’t intend to spend much time at all just him and the kids. Feel sorry for the kids, I’m sure they’d prefer to spend the weekend just with their dad. I don’t get why he can’t just spend the time with them, I guess it is all about creating his new happy family.

I also wonder if he has no intention of renting somewhere nearby but thinks he will have the kids there. Which also would mean only at the weekends as it is too far from school to do during the week.

I’m so angry that it looks like he will make it difficult to have a decent co parenting relationship - that even having got what he wanted he still can’t take the decent approach. As my counsellor says look at the behaviour as that tells you a lot about who the person is.
Am also in a dilemma as know he has quite a large bonus coming ( well over 10 000 pre tax). I know he won’t share it even though it is joint money but was trying to be ok about it in my head if he was going to spend it renting. Now I know he isn’t paying rent that becomes more difficult as presumably he will use it to do nice things, take the kids on holidays I can’t afford etc etc.

Hi all

Hugs to everyone for this weekend as sounds like you all are dealing with some tough times.

I am just feeling really sad tonight. Not sure what’s brought it on, had a busy day doing stuff around the house but sat down tonight to watch TV tonight and have just been filling up constantly. Haven’t done that for a few weeks.

I guess it’s just the long weekend and I for the first time I actually am sat here wishing ex was here. I feel like I miss him so much at the moment. But I know what I miss is the thought of him, and who he was. Not the person who constantly criticised me as he did for the last few years.

I know it will get better and I’m just trying to go with it but sometimes it’s hard.

Take care all xx

Evening all.

So far all good here. After spending the whole day out of the house idiot boy decided that he would come for his stuff tomorrow. He is just playing game because he can. So have not let it get to me.

I love. Kids Dad has yet to do anything on his own with the kids. He is sharing with friends so they aren't going to get any Dad time but that is up to him now.

Moo sorry you are struggling. It comes and goes. As you say we are sad for the people they use to be. I just feel pity for the ow having to deal with him now. Although I am sure he is pulling out all the stops still.

His first full weekend to have the kids next weekend and I know it is a friends wedding. He has an evening invite too. So I am waiting for the excuses. What a dilemma for him. We are away the following weekend so can't swap a week. I wonder who will be sick?

Morning everyone I’m back in the new forest after a week bouncing between here and London. Managed to shuffle some work around and haven’t got to go back till Thursday.

Sorry to hear you struggling moo and crumps. Being away from your kids at Easter is sad, I know crumps. I spose it’s those quiet moments when you’re just chilling watching tv etc that you really miss you ex, just a companion to chat to and relax with. When I get back to my house (hopefully) it’s gonna be those moments when it’s gonna sink in, missing them. Because I’m not there it’s been perhaps a bit easier to put her to the back of my mind.

Had a horrible realisation on the train last night about my son being bought up by someone else. She will inevitably meet someone if she hasn’t already and I will become some bit part dad. Another man will take my place😞
I know I’ll always be his dad, but still it really hurts knowing my son may grow to think of whoever she finds as his dad too.

Idiot boy made me laugh Eve. Must think of a suitable name for my ex.

moo I’m sorry you were feeling so down last night, hope this morning feels a bit brighter. I do think these key events are really hard, the fact it seems like everyone else is with their family and also just that there is more spare, unstructured time. You are right though this time him you miss, and also you probably wouldn’t have been having a nice evening even if he’d been there.

It sounds very trite but I also think this horrible grey weather isn’t helping, it feels like a never ending winter at the moment.

lonely thinking about your son with another man must be very hard. I find my two spending time with ex’s gf hard but it must be more difficult for you as your DS is with your ex more. You sound such a lovely, kind Dad though and that will be what he will end up knowing. You will always be his dad, no one can replace that.

I’m hoping to FaceTime the kids to see them with their eggs but ex currently ignoring me ( they will have been up since 6;)). Went out with a friend last night and we ended up staying out very late and going dancing - so much fun and such a release. She is also separated, it was good to be with someone who understands and dance away our collective blues at least for a couple of hours!

eve you are right re not letting the games get to you.

My ex has now texted - they are with him and his girlfriend and at her flat hence won’t facetime me. Presume he only told me as the kids would. Then he is doing yet another extravagant activity with them. I guess lesson learnt - next time I will do Easter stuff with them or whatever on a different day when I’m there, rather than arranging it so that and his girlfriend give them all the nice stuff I’ve sorted.

I think idiot boy is too nice a name btw eve. I hope you secretly call him much worse!

Afternoon all.

Guess what idiot boy couldn't make it today either. 🙄

I love yes he is called a lot worse in appropriate company. Glad you got out and enjoyed yourself. But it is bitter sweet. People keep telling me to make sure I get out when he has the kids and I will. But it is not what I want to be doing.

Lonely. I'm sorry that you have to think about those sorts of things. I don't get that idiot boy walked away and said to me to move on make a life for myself and be happy. etc. He seem so comfortable with the idea of the children having someone else bringing them up - although that isn't on the cards in anyway shape or form.

If it is any comfort. My mother re married. Twice. And neither were 'replacement dads'. They were just my mums husbands. And I never saw them in that capacity.

Hope everyone has something nice to look forward to tomorrow.

Hi All

I am glad I have come across this site and like many of you I hope to find some help and support. I have been with my husband for over 20 y and we have 2 kids (5, 10). We were madly in love for the first 10 y, then slowly things started getting worse, especially when I found out he was cheating on me just before falling pregnant with my first. I forgave him as I loved him. We have had terrible last 5 years. He lost his job 3 y ago and hasn't been working since, lost a baby just before that, my mum passed away a month after he had lost his job. Two years ago I found out he spent months going out with another woman, claiming they were never intimate. I have still been managing with all of this going on, to work and take care of the house and the kids in a every spare minute. Well, ever since I have attempted several times to progress to divorce. He doesn't accept it that the marriage is finished, he keeps harassing me sexually. I have to sleep in the same bed as there is no other place in the house where I get rest before going to work the next day. When I mentioned to him before divorce- he would get very angry, storm out of the house, threatening to commit a suicide. I know many of you would say 'let him- who cares', but the fear that he might do that and the burden of living with it for the rest of my life used to paralise me. He is just simply blackmailing me emotionally. I have no family of my own in the UK and that's probably the reason I feel so powerless. I have so far been worrying so much about the kids, as he said it everytime that if he goes, he wont be seeing the kids etc. Two years down the line and I feel so drained, as I am looking after the whole family on my own, he has not been putting enough effort in finding a job. If he has a bad day, I have nowhere to go. I just cannot invade friends' homes and ask for shelter. I have been feeling for the past 2 months stronger, but it is taking me so so long to make this minute steps. I don't want anything from him- just want him to leave, to see kids regularly and allow me to move on. I cannot hope with the idea that I might need in a worse case scenario to change a job, move kids to different schools and move miles away to an unknown area (cheaper properties) where I have no support network. So far he and his mother have been looking after the kids when I am at work, but I don't think I would earn enough to pay for a nanny once I lose the help from them. Things are so much worse by the fact that he has no job, as I feel very guilty kicking him out, knowing he must be feeling depressed. At the same time, I have come to some understanding that I need to look after myself for my own sanity. I have all my friends behind me. They cannot believe it that I am still not divorced. He is very unreasonable- it is impossible to have a normal conversation with him, like adults. He behaves like a teenager. Said the other day at the dining table 'I know you are seeing other men'. kids heard that. This is an absolute nonsense. He thinks that since I am rejecting him, I must be seeing someone. That's the last thing on my mind. I know I can manage on my own as long as he can move out and allows me to stay in the house for a while, so kids lives are not disturbed and I am financially stable to pay for all the bills as HE is not going to provide anything for them!!!!! He cannot afford it!!!!!! I keep waiting, hoping that when he gets a job, I will make the move. I have even considered renting a room for myself and go them late at nigh when kids are already in bed, so he would get the message that I don't want to be with him anymore. Then I have another idea- leave him in our MH and going renting a house with kids as I would feel safer and stronger to make decisions about the divorce.

Fisrtly welcome to the site. I’m new here too but hopefully you will find some great support here, I certainly did. You might find you will get a lot more response if you move this or post in the relationship section as it’s much busier than here. Your post touched me as you have been through so much and you must be very strong. Being honest it sounds like you must leave this man but being in your situation with no family support must be incredibly tough and lonely. I feel for you. You do sound strong though so I know you will find a way through this. Hopefully someone will be along who is much better with words and advice than me, but in the meantime please vent on here. Hugs to you

Thank you for reading the post. I suppose I am quite a tough cookie, as I have not gone mad yet :) Whats in the post is only half of the story. On the other hand I just have too much empathy in me and have been for a long time putting other people's feelings first. I am still seeing him as that nice, carrying man I used to know and also the father of my kids. And he loves them so much, just not a very role model for them. I am more worried about what will happen to him afterwards than how I will cope!!! Laughable really!!!! You are right, I will move the post tot eh relationship question.

Evening everyone

mona sorry you are also in a difficult place. Hope you find this thread a helpful place to let off steam and get support.

I am feeling really distressed this evening. Finally managed to speak to my kids. Ex had taken them to the flat he shares with his girlfriend all weekend - sleeping there as well. He hadn’t told me this was happening - I have no idea where the flat is, who she is. Think they all shared a bed ( am assuming not the girlfriend as well). Is for the Easter decorations out and he didn’t put them up. Assume he gave them the Easter eggs I bought at his girlfriends.

I don’t know how to deal with him at all anymore. I feel really panicked as it is like he isnt playing by any of the ‘rules’ I expected around the kids. He just carts them round like things he does off. I feel like I don’t know him or how he will behave at all and - I know this sounds silly - but it makes me feel frightened, a bit like when I first found out.

It also makes me feel like I want to sell the house ASAP to get away from him.

didnt put the eggs up and things he shoes off -‘sorry for the typos!

Oh my goodness things he shows off! Third time lucky ...

Hi crumps

Good grief, your ex really is taking the
Pi$$ now isn’t he ? Major things like who he is sharing a flat with should have been communicated to you first.

Although one possible positive is that perhaps it makes it easier for you to decide re: moving away ? You need to think about yourself and the support you need in order to be able to bring the kids up in the best environment. Obviously their dad being part of their lives is important, but as you said he has spent a lot of time away when you were together following his dream. So, time for you to perhaps follow yours - and move somewhere that’s affordable and where you will have support in the coming years and the kids will have a nice environment ?

I know things aren’t always that black & white but perhaps ex clearly not thinking of your feelings when he’s setting up home with OW makes it easier for you to put your feelings first with this decision.

It must feel like a smack in the face for you, but a further reminder of the selfish person that he clearly is.

Xxx

Welcome mona

You sound like a remarkable person and very caring and considerate, even though your ex hasn’t treat you with the same respect that you’re showing him.

The fact that you are such a good role model for your kids will stand them in good stead in the future. I wish you luck with your difficult journey but feel free to vent on here whenever you want !

Xx

Thanks Moo and yes that was what I thought too.
I genuinely don’t know how he can think it ok to just fling them into his new life like this - is it so hard for him to just spend time with them? I can (not really) sort of understand introducing his girlfriend but spending the whole weekend in the flat, with no room set up for them and not telling me. Plus refusing to FaceTime the whole weekend. I had no idea where my kids were, the person they were with and I couldn’t talk to them. It was really disturbing. My youngest is only 3

But I guess he is still their dad. And there isn’t anything I can do about how he spends his time with them. And seeing him is important to them.

I’m trying not to just react and cause the kids to get caught in the middle. I don’t feel I trust him to put anyone but himself first though