Feeling sad....but will get there!

[Moocow72]

Hi All

Well dc's now know about the separation - it was as awful as I thought it would be and there were tears from all four of us but I think we handled it as well as we could and made it clear that none of it was their fault and that we would always be a family, just couldn't live together anymore.

Initially it was a relief, but must admit I'm struggling now (I guess part of the grieving process). Not helped by how easily dh seems to be moving on with his life. When he first talked about separation many weeks ago I knew there was someone else in the shadows for him. He was honest and told me he was friends with someone and he thought it may develop in the future.

So part of me is fuming that despite him saying he's been unhappy for many years and in his words he "gave up" with the marriage a year ago he could only end it when he knew he had someone else on the sidelines.

I'm not an idiot and to be honest don't really want to beat myself up about what may or may not have happened between them but it's obvious that something will and I guess that's something I've got to get my head around. As far as anyone else is concerned (kids, family) we've told them there is no one else involved which does smart a bit for me as even if nothing happened between them when we were still together it's obvious that this is a factor.

But I guess that's his problem and he has to tell kids/family in due course about her and they can draw their own conclusion.

Just desperately trying to keep positive - in hindsight perhaps it would have been better if this had all happened when we were working/at school as finding it hard having so much spare time for the next few days. Grateful that we've got a dog as she's been fantastic company for me and her poor little legs must be tired as she's getting plenty of walks

Love and happy thoughts to all for the year to come xx

Hello everyone

Thank you for your kind words re the party. It was hard but I’m glad it is over and done and my son enjoyed it. Just the actual birthday to get through now where he has asked for his dad to stay the night and then for us all to go out for the day. Am sure I can manage it - somehow

Re the anger tbh it is mainly motivated by the fact I won’t give him the pleasure of seeing his actions have made me angry! So not exactly motivated from a good place! And because I spent so much of the last year of our marriage feeling frustrated and angry I’m done with it. Plus I know it doesn’t affect him in anyway. Also I think you are right Lonely if you let the sadness come and not be afraid it does seem to take the anger away? I am certainly trying that approach of accepting the situation and going with it even when the sadness and hurt feel like they might overwhelm me. I think everyone finds the way through that works for them though.

Having said that I have felt pretty angry today! Discovered he has been taking OW out with the kids every weekend and has been using my membership of the sports club I pay for through work for her. I only kept him on it so he could take the kids - but he has basically been pretending she is me!

Even worse though he has at no point told me he is seeing the kids with her, that she comes on most outings. He’s told the kids not to mention it. I just find that so disrespectful and not a good indicator for future co-parenting. Am also 99% sure now he has lied about lodging with someone and has moved in with her ( whilst guilt tripping me into getting a lodger ...). I just don’t get the point of the lies - why lie about all this? How cannwebcreateba new parenting relationship if he lies all the time.

Hope you have had a lovely weekend with your DS Lonely and that everyone else is doing well xx

Hi all

Quite a few posts to catch up on but seems as if we are all making the best out of our individual situations and doing all we can to move on with our lives and do the best for the children. For that I think we deserve a huge hug and a massive slice of cake !

Crumps - that is out of line him taking OW and asking the kids to lie. Sounds to me from other things you’ve said that he seems to make a habit of lying, be it about minor or major things. Like you say not good for future co-parenting and what sort of message is he sending his kids by telling them not to mention it. That really makes me mad - especially when you’ve gone out of your way to keep him involved and making sure he has plenty of time with the kids by sacrificing your own personal arrangements by letting him stay at the house.

I guess I’m fortunate that ex keeps himself and OW completely separate from his life with the kids. Of course mine are older so it’s a different situation, I would like to think when the day comes that he wants kids to meet OW that he is open about it to me - but to be honest I’m not sure how kids would feel about it. I guess youngest would just go with it as he is closer to his dad and spends more time round there with him. I suspect eldest just wouldn’t be interested at all to be honest about a “stepmom” being introduced.

But I will deal with that as and when. Must admit at the moment I’m feeling very calm about things and gradually accepting this is my new life. As far as financially, I am managing well and could see me keeping this up for a few years to be honest. I am paying lions share of the joint debt and not taking much from ex at all for kids but I am managing - have made some temporary adjustments to my pension plan which is helping and I am lucky my parents are able to help out a bit. And obviously as time goes on, equity is house is growing and joint debt is reducing. So my thinking is if I make it financially beneficial to ex for things to stay as they are then it means I’m likely to not have to sell house for a while. Of course this could all change if he announces he wants to buy another place with OW. But again, trying hard not to think too far ahead.

Lovely bit of sunshine today, managed to spend a bit of time in the garden tidying things up. Got a bit over excited as ordered some new garden furniture to be delivered next week (and by then the forecast is rainy!). So maybe summer is still a little way off but here’s hoping !!

Xx

Thanks Moo

Yes I am now realising he lies about everything - for an easy way out. I feel bad as when the D.C. started telling me about the OW coming with them I was so shocked I didn’t handle it that well. So said no I don’t think she could have come as she isn’t on the membership and that it was my membership and not DHs and I can choose whether he can continue to use the club. Which upset my eldest - I did reassure him straight away that I wouldn’t stop daddy swimming with him but it wasn’t great on my part. Also meant as soon as ex walked in the kids mentioned it. And then he tried to lie again about her having her own membership ( which is impossible)!

I feel a bit defeated by him atm. I’ve really tried to rise above everything ( him having an affair, the fact that I can now see how deeply unkind and unpleasant he was to me for at least the last year and when my dad was dying) to do the best for the kids. And because I hoped we could have a decent parenting relationship. And I just feel he has behaved really badly and hasn’t been at all honest. I don’t understand why he lies about living with her, why he did t tell me the kids were spending so much time with her ( although given the separation is so recent why could t he just spend time with just the kids?).

I’m suspicious now he has brought her to the house, plus from other things the kids have mentioned he is using other family memberships we are both paying for her and taking her under my name. All the while messing the kids around chopping and changing when he is here to suit himself.

I think I need to redraw some boundaries and am going to discuss with my psychotherapist tomorrow. The funny thing is after any session I always feel like I have been unreasonable about ex and made him out to be too bad and feel guilty. I even do it in the session a bit - highlight my own faults. And yet really I’m just telling what happened and the counsellor draws his own views.

It’s like I can’t accept that my ex hasn’t and isn’t behaving well and maybe isn’t always a very kind or decent person. It’s really starting to trouble me that I put up with certain behaviours for so long and always blamed myself. It doesnt ‘fit’ with how I see myself if that makes sense.

Sorry this is such a long post! Needed to put it down someowhere

ilovecrumpets
It was your ex that had the affair not you, it is he that is abusing your memberships of places not you, it is he that's lying about the ow again not you. The therapy is for you to build you up and learn to deal with your situation, you're not there to put a brave face on it or make excuses for your ex's behaviour to the therapist, starting putting yourself first. You were the victim, don't continue to be, I mean that with the best of intentions, not to get at you by the way.

Thank you mammy

I’m finding it strangely hard to accept i might have been a victim when I am used to putting on a brave face. But I feel like that realisation is slowly dawning ( along with a deeper question as to why I am so ready to always think that I am the ‘selfish/bad’ one).

I can see that I need to though - to protect myself ( and maybe the kids to an extent) as we separate. My counsellor is, I think, pushing me to see that - that I need to ensure I get the best deal out of the separation ( otherwise I will end up resentful and I really have just repeated the mistakes of my marriage then).

Thank you again for replying. I feel like I am entering another phase of this process at the moment.

Have you looked at the Freedom Programme?

I'm reading through it online this week, whether your ex was abusing or not, it's insightful and not overly expensive

Hi all thanks for you thoughts about my sons first sleepover. It was lovely and so nice to spend a bit of downtime together. Next one is 3 nights, weekend after next. Can’t wait.

Having a bit of a realisation about ex’s lies too. Bit different because although afaik there was no affair (may well be wrong though) so many of the things she said just a few short weeks before she left were just empty hollow words.

She told me I was her soulmate, best friend and made her so happy. She said she thought we had a lovely home as we returned from October half term break. We talked about getting married and where would be a good venue. And she said she wanted a second child although it was not what I wanted. Maybe that’s what did it😔

How can you say all that stuff and then just walk away? There’s only 3 explanations as far as I can see. Either fickle, lying all along or slightly losing the plot. I don’t think it’s the first but a combination of the last 2.

Was up till about 5am trying to work it out. I feel so stupid for letting this happen. It’s like the whole thing was a lie, or at least the past five years or so. I thought she was happy but really she was always disappointed with it all. I tried so hard to be a good partner.

My son did something a bit strange when we went out for lunch that was unlike him. He had a proper strop with me but not the usual “I want that chocolate bar” type thing that obviously happens all the time. I asked him to not play on a steep bank next to the cafe as I was worried he might fall. I wasn’t even stern, just asked him to be careful and to come down. I’ve never seen him so upset in quite that way- he was inconsolable for about 15 minutes. Properly upset and pushing me away like I’d done something truly awful. Maybe I was being too protective but the reaction was so strong. I think maybe he is finding this much harder than first glance would suggest. Later on as we did handover at Waterloo station, I hugged and kissed him goodbye. He tried to get me and his mum to hug and kiss too and I had to look at his sad little face and say, no, I can’t anymore. So upset right now typing this. Hugs x

Well reading that back it’s probably the fourth explanation. I want a second child and must have one. I don’t care if I destroy my partner, or my child’s happiness and stability, I must have a second child at all cost.

Morning all. Hope everyone is ok on this horrible day. Can't believe it is nearly April.

I love you are being so accommodating with your ex. Co parenting and joint effort for birthdays. I really do admire you. I don't want to be in the same room as mine. I know I need to get over it for the children's well being but I can't look at the man. I hope the counselling is helping. Can't say mine as brought me any peace. But it is a safe place to vent.

Moo. It is good you are getting organised financially. I need to raise funds and get ex off mortgage. I am not sure how but will be glad to be financially separated from him. But seems so final. Which I know deep down it is.

Lonely. Glad to hear you and Dad had good weekend. They lie to make themselves feel better. Sorry to hear da plays you up. My two are really struggling. My youngest is kicking off over everything. But is ok at school. My eldest is the other way round. Fab at home but struggling at school. The impact on them breaks my heart. I never wished this for them. Nor did any of us I know. Just going to take time.

I text ex about selling the garage to raise money for him and my debts. He said I couldn't do that so we had brief exchange in text. It apparently kills him that I hate him and can't look or speak to him. And he is hating all this. I assume by that. The fact that I didn't play nicely and be his friend. He thought we would just carry on as we were but live in different houses. Trying not to give it head space but this is awful for me and the kids. But as he keeps telling me. He is happy. So that's always good to hear.

Hope everyone has something nice planned for the weekend. And it stops raining.

Hi eve yes that is my ex too - really does appear to think that everything would continue almost as before but in different houses and him with his girlfriend. Because the main thing is he is happy.

It’s sort of breathtaking in its arrogance/delusion/selfishness. But I guess it says a lot about who they are as a person.

I know it is hard seeing him and interacting. I don’t know if it is a good strategy but I just try and go somewhere else in my head when he is there. I even do this slightly bonkers visualisation before I see him where I imagine a protective layer all around me that he can’t get through. And I like I say - not very noble - but my determination not to let him see any vulnerability in me or that he can get to me in any way also kicks in. My aim is for him not to be able to lay any criticism at my door. Possibly not a healthy approach but gets me through!!

I love that sounds a good strategy. And I know I have to get over it. But I don't want him to think that I'm ok with this. Because I'm not and won't ever be. I'm besides myself at the thought of the kids being away eow. I know it is the right thing to do. And the right thing for them. But I don't want to miss out on any part of their growing up. It's not fair. I didn't want this but I'm paying a price. And I hate it.

Hi All

Lonely - It must be so difficult for your handling how your ex has been seemingly blissfully happy and then to switch from that to ending things so soon. It seems like she must be quite immature and rather than stay and figure out any difficulties in the relationship she'd just rather not bother and walk away. Her loss though! Good that you had a nice weekend with your son - it's hard when they're young as sometimes their frustrations come out in strange ways, and they are more volatile than they were before. I know my brother in law had this issue with his son when he went through a separation (he was 6 at the time) but by brother in law was just patient and calm with him and got him through it. I think all you can do is just be consistent in these situations and make sure they know that you will always love and be there for them but may not always agree with things they do when they behave badly.

Eve - I don't think you should feel any pressure to get to a civil situation with your ex. You have to do what you can to protect yourself as each situation is different and some take more time than others. It doesn't help when your ex is being such an ar$e ! He doesn't deserve you to be civil with him when he can't even be a responsible adult and recognise how you feel.

Crumps - I love your attitude and how you can adapt to every situation and keep calm and maintain dignity. Again, like eve, it isn't helped by your ex making things more difficult than they need to be (taking OW on trips with kids, her using your membership etc and not being up front with you about it) - but it says more about him as a person than it does about you that he does these things. Just goes to prove that he doesn't deserve you !

I had a weird dream the other night that me an ex got back together and I was blissfully happy and in love again. I even dreamt about coming on here and posting that we'd got back together and I hope that people didn't judge me (I pride myself in the level of detail in my dreams )

It made me a bit sad when I woke up and thought about it, as it would be lovely to think that would be possible, but I know in reality it isn't, and I also wouldn't fall back in love and be happy with him anymore anyway. Just quite sad that our only options seem to be to be together and unhappy/resentful or apart and practical strangers. It's like I want to be his friend as we've shared so much but don't think it'll be possible (but who knows, maybe in time I'll be able to look at him as a person that I like and not who he was/what he turned into).

Hope you've all got some nice plans for the weekend, be it out and about or just vegging on the couch ! It's lovely and sunny here today but sadly the forecast for the weekend looks like rain !

Take care all xx

Hi all hope you all ok. Not having the best of times tbh. Went and did some shopping today to try and cheer myself up and it took most of my strength to not break down in the middle of town. Got back to parents where I’m staying and let it all out. I guess thus is the depression stage hitting me so on the plus side that means I’m working my way through it. What a bundle of laughs.

I get the same kind of thing moo with dreams. For me it’s like a day dream- I imagine us meeting up, her telling me she can’t live without me and us getting back together, and our son is blissfully happy! And then it’s like the Tom and Jerry claws on the blackboard screeching violin sound as reality kicks in.

I must get to some kind of normality with relations with ex. Like eve, I struggle to even look her in the face. I know this comes across as childish but I can’t help it right now. What’s so hard is knowing that I’ve got to see her every bloody week or so for the next ten years at least, when she’s just branded me a failure. Normally in life you can just walk away from those that treat you like that, we all can’t and that’s hard to take. Time to try and get a grip on it for my sons sake.

Lonely. It is still early days for all of us. I have done nothing but cry this week. I can't bear the thought of the kids not being here. And I have them 90% of the time. We will get to a place when seeing them will not cause us so much upset.

I have those day dreams too. That he realises that he has made a terrible mistake and we piece our lives back together. I just want the 'happy ever after'. But that isn't going to happen. I know that.
Part of me thinks I need to start to try and move on. But a bigger part of me can't imagine being with anyone else.

Eve & lonely

Hugs to you both - you’re doing so well in the circumstances, and it is still very early days for you both. I know it’s a cliche but just stick with it and you will find your new “normal” in time.

Whether it be with someone else, or just feeling content being on your own - it will come eventually, but until then - cry, rant, scream, strop, daydream and do whatever you have to as it’s all part of the process of acceptance, even though it doesn’t feel like it.

I think i said this very early on in this thread but make sure you reward yourself every day. Be it a nice food treat, a relaxing bath, a drink or two. Each day that goes by is a step in the right direction even though sometimes it feels like you’re going backwards.

Xx

Evening everyone

So sorry you are both having a tough time lonely and eve. I don’t have any wise advice other than I am thinking of you and Moo is right - it will eventually start to become less raw.

I do know what you mean lonely about being stuck having to deal with someone because of the kids - and how that makes the situation so much harder.

I had a great session with my counsellor today - in summary his advice is if you’ve tried be generous in your response to someone and they haven’t responded generously back then change your approach. Basically telling me to get more boundaries and harder re the ex! It’s good advice but hard to do as it’s changing quite an ingrained approach.

I’m currently hiding out in my room as he is staying over at the request of my son. It’s interesting how much I dislike being in the same house as him now - whereas at first there was almost a part of me that wanted him to stay. I did ( calmly by some miracle ) raise the girlfriend and not telling me issue and also the swimming. Hilariously he tried to claim he took her swimming for safety reasons incase he needs to get out of the pool with one of the kids. Got to give him credit for inventiveness ...

Moo - hope you are good. The dreams are weird aren’t they. Reminds me of how I sometimes dream of my dad and for a second when I wake up I forget he has died. It can be quite hard coming round from it as it feels so real. I guess it is our subconscious dealing with things. I like to think it means moving to a new phase of being able to deal with it iyswim.

Take care everyone and wish me luck having to spend tomorrow and Friday with the ex

Sorry for using this as a personal brain dump/moan- I’m finding my son’s birthday and having my ex around very hard. I guess it’s another first - one of the kids birthdays. Plus I will be going away for Easter and not seeing the kids.

Feel deeply sad at what we have become. I don’t want him back but equally it is difficult knowing he has this new life that the kids are also part of. Just like that.

Hi crumps

Feel free to vent anytime - that’s what this is here for !

For what it’s worth, I think you’re doing amazingly well having ex overnight in house with you. I would find it very hard to do that if I’m honest (although like we all do, if our kids wanted it we would just have to find a way to get through it).

But don’t underestimate how much guts it took from you to agree to that. I hope the days away from the kids over Easter aren’t too hard for you.

Xx

Second what moo says, crumps. Agreeing to have him round and having to keep all the feelings you have towards your him is very very brave. I don’t think I’ll be able to do that anytime soon certainly not in a few months or so. You have a really good, strong outlook and I wish I could be half as together as you.

Try and use the time away from your dc’s to spoil yourself. Trip to a spa? Fancy restaurant with a friend/family? Try and remember it’s just a few days. Hug to you and well done for being such a good mum x

Thank you both for your kind words - and lonely I bet you would be able to do it, from your posts it is clear you put your DS first too. I guess we all can dig deep when it comes to the kids, like Moo says.

I was talking to my kids nanny this morning - apparently the DC have spoken to her about the OW. My youngest has told her that my eldest hates the OW and doesn’t want her there but my youngest says he quite likes her. I don’t want my eldest to feel like that, but part of me was touched by his loyalty ( particularly as he is very much a daddy’s boy and tends to take his anger out on me - which I try and see as a positive sign he trusts me to hang around whatever ).

I think I will most likely enjoy the time away once I’m back at my mums, seeing all my old friends etc. Also a good check in to think about whether I could move back there long term. Post Easter I am going to start gardening my boundaries re ex. When he was making one of his points to me this morning I did say to him that he doesn’t get to speak to me like that anymore. Which felt good.

Morning all.

I love i second and third what everyone else has said you have behaved with nothing but integrity. You should be very proud of yourself.

I am afraid I am of the camp of very clear boundaries. My time is mine. His time is his. My youngest birthday is first. And it is my weekend. But I will offer him the afternoon. So he can come and take her out for tea.

I don't see it changing anytime soon. I have found out after begging me to pay his phone bill as it got cut off. He found money for a stag do. I am just stunned. His kids are going without and he has money for drinking. I have no idea what is going on in his head. How does he justify it to himself?

That was of course ‘strengthening’ my boundaries - although gardeningthem might work

eve - who knows what they think. It’s baffling and probably not worth even trying to work out. I used to think that deep down my ex must know how he has behaved is pretty bad but now I think he probably doesn’t and truly believes his own lies/justification? I suspect your ex is the same.

Morning all and hope everyone has some plans for a lovely weekend - whether with the kids or not.

My lodger is away at the moment and ex went back to his last night ( sadly to return today) so it was just me in the house once the kids were in bed - which was lovely!

I decided a bit randomly to read this thread back from the beginning - it’s amazing to see how far everyone posting has come. What was really clear is that even though things are still hard as I read you can see everyone moving from a place of shock and disbelief to acceptance that marriages are over and working on the difficulties of a new reality. The sadness and anger is still there obviously but you can read the difference. It actually made me feel quite hopeful, as eventhough things are obviously very difficult, people seem to have moved to looking forwards. I’m not explaining it very well but it really is quite striking!

Anyway a big hug to everyone and I think we can all take comfort from the fact we have had the strength just to even keep going through all this. Also as I read all the lovely and kind supportive comments, people really trying to help others at difficult moments I though what absolute idiots are collective exes are. And how it really is their losses.

Morning all. So long bank holiday weekend to look forward too. And I'm in tears as family stuff isn't as much fun on your own. I can't believe he is ok with this. I know I have to deal with it and this is it now. But this is not ok. And what happens when I don't have the kids to fill my time. I can't even imagine how I begin to deal with that. They have been by my side for nearly 12 years.
I keep trying to rationalise it. That it is only 48 hours in a fortnight. 50 odd days in the year. But I just see pain and conflict.
The kids will be sleeping on his bedroom floor. With strangers around them.
I was that child and I hated it. I want them to feel wanted and loved and not split and growing up with people who aren't their Mum and Dad.

I want to get to the place that this is ok. But I don't ever see that happening. I can't visualise that this will ever be ok.
Sorry. Going to have big cry in the shower and put my brave face on.

eve I’m sorry you having such a hard time today. Bank holidays and other ‘family’ holidays are hard as it brings home what has happened and also it feels like everyone else is having a happy ‘family’ time.

I know what you mean about being apart from the kids - I too find that the hardest and most unfair part of this. I think that is probably a bit why I am ‘playing nice’ with the ex as I don’t want him to push having the kids more. But I know that day will come.

Im not sure there is much that can make it better, other than trying to do the best for the kids and make the time with them as positive as possible.

Good luck - soon we will be back in the routine of everyday life xxx