Feeling sad....but will get there!

[Moocow72]

Hi All

Well dc's now know about the separation - it was as awful as I thought it would be and there were tears from all four of us but I think we handled it as well as we could and made it clear that none of it was their fault and that we would always be a family, just couldn't live together anymore.

Initially it was a relief, but must admit I'm struggling now (I guess part of the grieving process). Not helped by how easily dh seems to be moving on with his life. When he first talked about separation many weeks ago I knew there was someone else in the shadows for him. He was honest and told me he was friends with someone and he thought it may develop in the future.

So part of me is fuming that despite him saying he's been unhappy for many years and in his words he "gave up" with the marriage a year ago he could only end it when he knew he had someone else on the sidelines.

I'm not an idiot and to be honest don't really want to beat myself up about what may or may not have happened between them but it's obvious that something will and I guess that's something I've got to get my head around. As far as anyone else is concerned (kids, family) we've told them there is no one else involved which does smart a bit for me as even if nothing happened between them when we were still together it's obvious that this is a factor.

But I guess that's his problem and he has to tell kids/family in due course about her and they can draw their own conclusion.

Just desperately trying to keep positive - in hindsight perhaps it would have been better if this had all happened when we were working/at school as finding it hard having so much spare time for the next few days. Grateful that we've got a dog as she's been fantastic company for me and her poor little legs must be tired as she's getting plenty of walks

Love and happy thoughts to all for the year to come xx

Hi lonelycrab

Hugs to you. I hope this doesn’t sound patronising but I’ve found it really useful having a male perspective in situations like this.

I’ve always been aware of how hard it must be for ex not living with his kids anymore but when I read some of the things you say then it really hits home.

Obviously in my situation it was he who ended it so not much I can really do about it other than not allow the kids to become a weapon or pawn in the situation.

I hope you have a good Saturday evening and a relaxing Sunday. Any news on the midlife crisis car purchase yet ?!

Hope everyone else is doing ok today. Very cold outdoors here, wind is whipping up a storm and snowing on and off so feeling very content being tucked up warm in the house. A lot of football on the TV today so I’m a happy bunny (plus no ex whingeing about what I’m watching!)

Hugs to all xx

Hey cheers moo have decided an Audi TT is gonna get me too much attention at the traffic lights from boy racers etc and probably to much attention all round (plus I’m not a hairdresser) so looking at perhaps an a3 or something more normal (but almost as quick😎)

Not patronising at all, I appreciate I’m amongst mainly mums here, (the clues in the website name lol) but this is a really welcoming place and has been a godsend for me right now. Thanks all again.

If your ex has made the decision, then there’s not much more to say, it sadly seems for most of you the husband/partner has had an affair, so they’re the ones to blame imo. Once trust is gone it’s so hard to really get back, I know from previous. Their choice to ruin it so not much sympathy from me.

Have got a session tomorrow which has been booked for months, before we split so won’t be spending tmro all day with ds, just a few hours Monday after school. I’ve had to cancel thousands of pounds worth of work this last two months due to separating and have to keep things running now. Work is really helping me move forward and feel confident, but every second song I work on at the mo is a bloody break up ballad- art imitates life but it’s had me choking back tears at times. Got ds for 36 hours next weekend though. Will focus on that over the coming days.

@Lonelycrab it would be my hope that dc could continue to see both parents regularly even everyday once he wouldn't be involved in my life. Sorry that this isn't happening for you. Do you still love her?

Still love my ex? Well I spose I still love who I thought she was before all this happened. But she changed almost overnight and it’s almost like the mask has slipped and I see who she really is. It’s like she regrets the whole thing now. I’m a low earner (relatively speaking) and am self employed- good month bad month etc. The instability in her eyes became too much, but we almost owned our house and had enough coming in, zero debt plus plenty in the bank so plenty to be grateful for. Not a boast of course just telling how it is.

She’s earning ok now, slightly more than me and I gave her a lot of support to give her the time to work, school runs, all the cooking, lots of house stuff etc but the more I did the less she noticed.

She said some awful things about my success or lack of it and told me to get a 9-5. I’ve no qualifications past gcse’s so that would be stupid, I’ve been in music since school so no experience of much else either. Would be a big drop in wages more than likely plus giving up my business which I genuinely love. So there was no way forward. She just wanted me to “change” as she put it. She never gave me credit for any of the support I gave her (lots believe me) or work involved in our properties (absolutely tons of this) and only ever criticised. She became pretty unpleasant to live with.

So no, not what she has become. She has become impossible to love. And to take my son away from his happy home and dad with no actual real world problems i’ll never forgive. She didn’t want to even try- no trial separation, no counselling, just that’s it I’m off. She wants a more affluent life and has gone off to find it with my son.

She’s moving about an hour away so not much chance of day to day contact for me.

Morning all. We have snow. No doubt Disney Dad will make the most of it.

Lonely. Hope you are ok. Enjoy the new car and hope you have a great weekend next weekend

Mammy. Hope you enjoyed your few hours peace whilst they were all out. He will rewrite history so keep notes if you think it might be helpful.

My ex has excelled himself this weekend. No definite plans to see kids. A vague Sunday afternoon. Even asking directly four times. Then got a text at four this morning saying just going to bed will be late tomorrow. I need sleep. Good to see what his priorities are. as he cancelled last weekend as well. I see a pattern.

His icing on the cake is he hasn't set up dd for Car Insurance. And has missed a payment. So they want the years payment in full now. Fortunately I kept the e mail I sent saying I had taken him off my policy and he was covered for this month but needed to set up His own Dd for March.

Apparently he is in the shit and if he is in the shit so am I. And other such vailed threats. So not sure what reception I am going to get today.

Eve your poor dc coping with that disappointment & anxiety each weekend, will df show up or not, and then you having to console them & deal with their disappointment if he doesn't.

Work comes first for H, hopefully he will put dc first when we're living separately up to now he's always known I'll be there anyhow, and sure who am I kidding he'll know that's true now too because I'll always be there for them.

I'm keeping myself busy house hunting online, need to have some plan in place if/when Mediation doesn't work.

Lonely could you do your work closer to where they're moving to or are they likely to move again?

Mammy. Good you have a plan up your sleeve. I would love to move. But can't afford to. And stability is important for the kids right now.

I don't tell the children he is coming until I defiantly know. They are use to him being away. He worked away all their lives. But it is me he is messing about with I've no idea why as he regularly tells me I should get out more. I would consider it to be controlling but he is too lazy for that. Just can't be bothered

If it comes to house hunting the home we built will have to be sold. But I could afford one on my own if I continue to work full time. It just keeps me going I guess.

He's just selfish I guess eve

Feeling bit down now. My boy said I don't think this spending a day with Dad then a day with you is going to work for me ( me neither son). Said I know it is all a bit strange but we will soon get use to it. And once Dad has his own place you will have sleep overs to look forward too.

It fucking sucks. I don't want the man back. He has treated me and the kids really badly. But I would never of let us get to this. I would of done everything in my power to make us work and not put the kids through this.

Bet the kids don't say any of this to him. Not that it would make any difference. Just me having to deal with the tears this morning from my youngest who didn't want to go. And my eldest this evening. It's shit and I hate him for doing this to them.

Selfish. Selfish man.

Hugs Eve. I’m trying to not think about the damage being caused. I know it’s going to be very hard for my ds once he’s uprooted in a few months. He has mild asd so fitting in could be harder than normal. He was so happy and settled. I guess this is the worst bit for us just trying to get your head round it. If I think about what she’s done I just get angry so I’m trying to blank it out and fix on the day to day. Once things get established it will be better but right now that seems a long way off. Hang in there

Thank you lonely for taking the time to reply. My son also has asd. So it really doesn't help when ex tells him he still loves me. Poor kids is messed up enough without telling an 11 year old boy he loves me but isn't in love with me. That doesn't wash on me let alone ds.

Let's see what this week brings

Hi eve

Your ex really needs a slap doesn’t he ? If it was just with you then that would be bad enough but if he’s saying confusing things to the kids then that’s just unforgivable.

One day - it will sink in what he’s done and it will be too late.

I hope you’re all having a good week - I’m doing pretty good. Had a nice meal out with a couple of friends last Friday which has helped - didn’t really talk about my situation that much which was actually refreshing. My two friends have a lot going on in their lives at moment so it felt good to be able to listen to them and offer advice and support.

Things going a lot better with eldest - we seem to have got over the difficult time we had where I was always nagging at him about revision. He’s working really hard at moment - staying back at school a lot, working hard with his tutors and has cut back on his football quite a lot which I know was hard for him as he would play 24 x 7 if he could but he seems a lot less tired and more focussed which is good. Like I told him today, 3 months time it will all be over!

Things are fairly non eventful with ex, communicating about kids as needed but otherwise nothing much going on. He still seems to have a lot of time on his hands so no idea whether things are still on with OW and I genuinely don’t really care. It feels weird admittedly but she is welcome to him when he’s in his bad moods and he is argumentative !

Hugs to all x

Thank you moo. I dream of doing more than slapping him. Good to here you are adapting. I am beginning to be able to have more conversations that aren't around me/him. And don't need to talk about it all the time.

That is positive that your son is buckling down to his revision as you say only a matter of weeks and then it will be done and out of the way.

Ex turned up here Monday. His phone had been cut off and his car Insurance not paid. He was surprised that I had not carried on paying these bills. Bearing in mind he has given me very little money to support the children let alone the bills. So more words were had. Told him if there was no direct debit into my account on the first I am going to the cms. Sick of being messed about and struggling.

eve why did he think that you would continue to bankroll him?

Is he a minor who can't pay his own bills?

Mammy. I have no idea. I was just so gob smacked it didn't occur to me to ask him how or why he thought I would keep paying his bills. You just could t write this stuff.

At least you stood up for yourself and told him what was what.

Hi all having an almost warm day on the south coast which is nice after all these eastern beasts. Been managing to get on with stuff to keep my mind off things. Had my mortgage application today, two hours in the bank and it seems good to go. Will know in a few weeks. Having to involve my family too as I’m not able to borrow what I need on my own. Things could still fall through so not counting chickens yet.

Good to hear about your eldest moo, sinking himself into studies may be his way of getting his mind off the situation too? Good for him though, it could easily go the other way at times like this. And good that you don’t genuinely don’t care about what your ex is doing, I’m almost getting to that point. I haven’t even looked her in the eye the last couple of times we’ve met to handover, I just talk to the floor. Can’t stand the sight of her right now. Being conscious not to let ds see how much I despise who she has become though.

Can’t believe your ex with the bills eve, what planet is he on? And not sorting maintenance? And the old love you not in love with you chestnut! Ffs, what is he 15? Good that you don’t want him back. I’m the same but it doesn’t necessarily mean the anger at what they’ve done goes too.

Having a really good run at work, it may be the best months takings in five years or so, depending on how next week shapes up. That means lots to me right now. Hope you all have a good rest of week...

Evening lonely. Good you have had a good run with work. It is good to throw yourself into something I have been getting stuck in with work. It gives me a focus. Hopefully no more snow over easter. My son is camping with scouts.

How is everyone doing? Think we should be proud of how far we have all come. We all deserve so much better. Although I am still very angry about the situation. Not sure that will change anytime soon. I do not want weekends without my kids.

He is moving into his flat over easter so eow contact can start after then. I know I'm going to hate it. But it is the right things for the kids. Although we shall wait and see how long spending eow in with kids lasts for them. And there is no bedroom for the kids. So be bit crowded.

I am hoping to start some volunteering the weekends the kids are there. It will keep me busy and hopefully meet some new people.

Hope everyone has a good weekend coming up.

Hello everyone

Just thought I’d check in - hope everyone is having a good weekend.

I’ve been really busy at work recently, so feeling very stretched, as with the kids and work I have no slack at all. Also my ex has been moving his times around when he sees the kids - as he has restarted his ‘hobby’, so I haven’t had any real time ‘off’. I’m feeling properly exhausted. I am seeing a great psychologist now though who has made me question why I am - in effect- making the same mistake I did in my relationship of hoping/ believing my ex will start to put the kids first. Which is food for thought.

I’ve been generally ok but have this deep sadness about the end of my relationship at the moment. I’ve had my eldest birthday party which we did together which was very strange - we actually got on well, did a good job. I guess being hopeful this may be the start of a new co parenting relationship. It seems so strange though that I he goes back to his new girlfriend tonight and I’m here. Kept thinking back to last year at my son’s birthday and how, although things weren’t great, I had no idea really what was coming.

I love. Well done working together. Your children will benefit from you being able to get along and that shows great strength that you were able to do that.

You are a much better person than I am. I know I should be less harsh toward the kids Dad as it will benefit the kids. But I hate the man. And I don't think that will change anytime soon.

I don't want him to think I have mellowed in anyway ever. i know that isn't fair or right but that is how I feel.

I will never forgive him for this decision he has made and the less I have to see or deal with the man the better.

Guess the counselling isn't helping me find my inner peace just yet then.

Ilovecrumpets it's ok to feel sad that that part of your life is over, even to mourn the end of life as you imagined it would be, grief is part of the process I guess.

Your psychologist has a point, this is also something I will have to be mindful of going forward, because in the past plans & outings have been cancelled or changed based on his mood and when it comes to time with the dc that can't be allowed to continue.

I'm home alone tonight with dc, have been with them since 10.30 this morning when H went off doing stuff with a friend. Dd purchased him a little gift today & was waiting all evening to give it to him, he rang at six to ask if I'd plans for tonight, I didn't so he stayed doing what he was doing and didn't come home, poor little mite stayed up until almost 10 in the hope that she'd see him.
I, on the other hand, got an idea of what things will be like when I live alone with dc. We went to an activity & then did click & collect for groceries & spent some time in primark, then came home had lunch, children played, I did some laundry & put away shopping, then crafted for an hour, made two lots of dinner, looked after the animals, ate dinner & watched a movie with dc . A calm pleasant day with no tension, fuss or argument followed by early to bed with Mumsnet & maybe some Netflix or a book.

Eve once it's not visible to dc, hating their dad is allowed!

Need to master smiling through gritted teeth. I'm hoping that our contact will be minimal. He has a place as of next week. So can just pick up and drop off. I am happy to smile and say hi etc but there is no need for anything further in my opinion.

Morning all. Got my ds for sleepover this weekend for the first time and it’s been so good. So many laughs and his grandparents have loved seeing him. It’s only 36 hours or so and will be taking him on the train back to ex later. Think I’m gonna feel quite sad then but not thinking about that yet. I’ve been keeping ex updated with picture texts, sent about five yesterday, no words just a picture of what he’s doing. She’s been texting back thanking me and the last one was a smiley. Felt like texting back something like glad you can smile at least one of us is happy but resisted.

Really glad your birthday went well crumps, you are very strong to handle it so well. Maybe I’ll be able to be so mature in the future but feel like that’s a world away at the moment. Was struggling with sadness at times last night, she packed the iPad for my son and it was logged into her Facebook when I turned it on. Couldn’t resist a look and although she’s hasn’t posted anything since we split, just looking at it filled me with a deep deep sadness. Must try and move on but it’s so hard. I’m much closer to how eve feels thank crumps right now maybe that’s just a time thing. Feel so much anger, it was quite overwhelming on Friday. Read something online could have been on the relate site, that anger is the brains way of protecting us from hurt, and if you embrace the hurt ie let the pain do it’s thing, the anger will ease. Shut myself in my soundproofed booth (perks of the job) and had a shout and a cry for ten minutes and felt a lot better. What she did hurts more than anything ever. Hugs all

Lonely. Hope you had a great weekend with your son. It is really kind of you to keep ex up to date. I did in the beginning. But couldn't maintain the contact. I have to keep to completely about the kids/money. I don't engage with anything else.

He would like us to be mates. That would make him feel better and I am not going to do that anytime soon.

My counsellor said it's ok to be angry and to except it. I just want to be over it. It is just going to take time. And more mile stones to get through. I have the first weekend of him having full contact coming up. I will fill my time but only because I have to. Not because I want to.

Never wanted time away from my children. It sucks.