Feeling sad....but will get there!

[Moocow72]

Hi All

Well dc's now know about the separation - it was as awful as I thought it would be and there were tears from all four of us but I think we handled it as well as we could and made it clear that none of it was their fault and that we would always be a family, just couldn't live together anymore.

Initially it was a relief, but must admit I'm struggling now (I guess part of the grieving process). Not helped by how easily dh seems to be moving on with his life. When he first talked about separation many weeks ago I knew there was someone else in the shadows for him. He was honest and told me he was friends with someone and he thought it may develop in the future.

So part of me is fuming that despite him saying he's been unhappy for many years and in his words he "gave up" with the marriage a year ago he could only end it when he knew he had someone else on the sidelines.

I'm not an idiot and to be honest don't really want to beat myself up about what may or may not have happened between them but it's obvious that something will and I guess that's something I've got to get my head around. As far as anyone else is concerned (kids, family) we've told them there is no one else involved which does smart a bit for me as even if nothing happened between them when we were still together it's obvious that this is a factor.

But I guess that's his problem and he has to tell kids/family in due course about her and they can draw their own conclusion.

Just desperately trying to keep positive - in hindsight perhaps it would have been better if this had all happened when we were working/at school as finding it hard having so much spare time for the next few days. Grateful that we've got a dog as she's been fantastic company for me and her poor little legs must be tired as she's getting plenty of walks

Love and happy thoughts to all for the year to come xx

Sure you are doing a great job I love. It is a balancing act.

I'm sorry that your family don't appear to be very supportive. How far away are they. Can they help in practical ways? I hope they would if they knew you needed them?

Yes it is very much up and down. Just the enormity of it all. I'm in the mists of sorting mortgages. My sister is going to be named on mine so I can get him off. I am still stunned I am having to do all this and although I don't want the selfish arse in my life. I'm so very sad for what the future brings for the kids.

I can't believe he has been so selfish to put his need for 'some fun' before the security of the children. But I have gone over and over it. It won't ever make sense to me.

Lonely. Sorry I missed your post. Sounds like you are going through it. My ex keeps asking how I am. Don't know why they do it. They know we are having a shit time.

New car sounds like a fabulous idea. Going wild I say. Hope your day got better.

Hey cheers eve thanks for your kind words. Sounds like we’re both in the same kind of place. Feeling bit better now sometimes it just helps to post on here and let it out. Hugs to all x

Going to read and be an active poster on this thread I feel.

On Friday it will be two weeks since I told 'd'H that our marriage was over. We have two dc, he has abused me emotionally mainly but also physically occasionally for years and I'm done with it.

My priorities are our children and being fair to each other financially.

His are to ensure I 'get nothing and don't have the children' and 'pay for what I've done'
After an argument last night, it transpires that he thought mediation we've applied for was relationship counselling

He doesn't seem to be accepting that we are separating, seems to think it's just like all the other times where we had a period of not speaking and then it was brushed under the carpet until the next row.

Mammy. You sound very strong. Hope you have lots of real life support around you. He sounds like a right arse. Onwards and upwards

Hi mammy sorry to hear what you’re going through. When one partner gets physically abusive there are no excuses. You’ve done the right thing and you’re in good company here, I’ve had so much support. Hope you and your dcs are doing as well as possible, this is an awful time for you I’m sure. Hugs and

Hi all

Thanks for the birthday wishes - very kind of you

I had a good weekend, in a way it was better than my previous few birthdays just because I took control and sorted things to do and plans, rather than how it was before where I would sort of hold off making plans as I wanted to see if ex had arranged anything and of course he usually hadn’t (other than the minimum of making sure I had cards and present from kids etc). That probably makes me sound ungrateful, but the fact that I knew it was down to me this year made me arrange things in advance and I enjoyed it a lot.

Ex was a bit strange though as he was supposed to be away all weekend - but I got a text 8am Saturday to say he’d cancelled it and did youngest want to come overnight ? I just replied and said I’d like to leave things as they were as I wanted to do something with them on my birthday evening (obviously!). He said fine and told me to enjoy my birthday with them. Then later I got another text to say he was bored and he was now going away again.

I know I shouldn’t think about it but the way he has been last couple of weeks, available for kids a lot more and him seemingly at a loose end more makes me wonder if things are as wonderful as he expected them to be with OW - or even if they are actually having a relationship at all anymore ? But I know that it doesn’t matter either way as even if it didn’t work out with her then it doesn’t make any difference to the situation. Obviously a small part of me is hoping that it fizzled into nothing once he was available but I know that is just me still being a bit raw about it all.

Got a text from him Sunday am wishing me Happy Mother’s Day and thanking me for being a great mother to our kids. To be honest i think that’s probably the only time I remember him ever complementing me about my parenting and it was probably out of guilt but I just accepted it and replied and said thanks.

lonelycrab - go for the midlife crisis car definitely, you need to get it out of your system! Plenty of time to switch to the practical option later (says she who drives a Kia )

Sorry to hear a couple of you are struggling, I went through the phase last week where I just felt so much bitterness and resentment each day. It helped when I vented to ex and told him how I felt about what he’d done and I must admit since then I’ve felt much better. But I think it’s one of those things that builds up over a period of time - but hopefully as time goes by then it builds up much slower than it does now and then before we know it the resentment has disappeared (probably unlikely but hopefully it will decrease a lot).

Take care all
Xx

Mammy - Sorry just seen your message. Welcome to the thread, I hope it helps you.

I’m not an expert in this area but if violence is involved then you have 100% done the right thing for yourself and your children. And it will hopefully ensure that you get what you are entitled to during the separation and that you are all safe and looked after.

Feel free to vent on here anytime, I’m sure some of the other posters will be able to help more with practical stuff.

Xx

Thanks for the welcome @Moocow72 @Lonelycrab @eve34

Tonight I've got a free legal advice session
I rang Women's Aid last night, I found that she was not able to tell me anything & I seemed to have more knowledge of process than her

Must make a list of questions
Going to apply for a safety/protection order.

Hi crumps

Sorry just seen your message about your Dad. That’s so tough to deal with and I’m surprised you didn’t have more empathy from your mum and sister as things are tough on you.

Would you describe yourself as the most stable one between you and your sister ? I don’t mean that in a nasty way but sometimes if someone is quite independent and has always managed then they get neglected a bit when they hit tough times. I know between me and my brother I was always the “sensible, level headed one” and he needed more support and help as he went through various life crises.

But good on you for getting through it, the more “firsts” you can tick off then hopefully the easier it gets. I hope your eldest isn’t causing you too much upset either, unfortunately he’s just at that age where they start testing boundaries but this phase will pass soon xx

moo do you know me in real life ? Yes you are very much right about me and my sister - and to be fair I have always pushed being the independent one!

The weekend was definitely a rough one - we also were right behind a very serious road accident when we were heading out on Mother’s day.

As per the course though I am feeling much lighter and brighter this week - sometimes I think the ‘big’ events play on my mind in the run up, then once over it all feels much better again. And it is never as bad as I think it will be. Plus ex is away this week - even though I am beyond stretched at work it’s been nice just me and the kids. Also had the eldest parents evening which is always a ‘who knows what it will be like’ but it was really good, and his teacher says they haven’t seen a difference in him at school so I’m very happy about that.

So glad your weekend went well. I completely get the how it feels better not to be waiting for someone else and then feeling disappointed/frustrated but taking control. I guess that hopefully sums up how it ends up feeling about separating/divorcing.

Hope everyone has a good night xx

When did ye tell the school what was going on?
Just wondering about the practicalities going forward

I told my son’s teacher before I told the children - she has been fantastic, keeping an eye out for him. It meant if he started to act out they’d know why and also meant they were aware and could offer extra support if needed.

She has been very kind and rung me a couple of times just to let me know he is still doing well and she has been giving him a bit of extra attention and has made sure he can talk to her about it if he needs to ( but in a low key way).

Obviously it depends on the teacher - but schools are used to dealing with this and often have extra support the kids can access if/when they need it.

Thanks for coming back to me, dd is a completely anxious worrier at the best of times so I think the school knowing would be a good course of action too. She will need all the support she can get.

My eldest is a worrier too. My sotuation isn’t as difficult as yours but I’ve found being as clear as I can about what is happening has seemed to help.

I also think if they like school that also helps - my eldest seems to take a lot of comfort from school and the structure it gives him.

Take care

Also if your DC are old enough to write a worry book can help - they can write things down and then you can have a set time each day to talk it through. Or - again depending on age - just a book where you write messages to each other, for things they might find hard to say.

Another week in the bag. Hope everyone is keeping ok.

Moo that does sound like he is at a loose end more. Bet your heart bleeds for him.

Mammy. Hope you got the information you needed. I would give School the heads up. As I love said. They will keep an eye on things and let you know if they have any concerns. My eldest had some Elsa support and is having 12 weeks of play therapy sessions to give him some support.

Another roller coaster of a week. But feeling ok today. Tomorrow is another day though.

It is a really difficult time. Ill try and post again later. Keep it together one day at a time.

ilovecrumpets I actually bought her a worry workbook which is guided a few weeks ago and we've only looked at the pictures yet but a book for writing it down sounds like a great idea

eve I didn't really actually turns out that there'll have to be provisions for his older children too who are grown up and married with children themselves wasn't expecting that one

Mammy. That would of taken me by surprise too. As they are self sufficient. Complicated stuff this separating/divorce.

I had second counselling session. Felt more in control today although I know if that was just down the circumstances. So less emotional. I seem to of moved to practical mode. So just communicate about money. And seeing the children. I was expecting a call at 5. But not heard a thing so still no idea of his plans for the weekend.

@eve34 I was completely taken by surprise so mediation is the starting point & if we could come up with a solution there, get a solicitor to review them, that bit mightn't come up at all!

Glad you'd a good counselling session

My friend just told me last night her marriage is over as her husband no longer loves her, no kids, we can handhold each other.

Mammy. Sorry that your friend is going through this too. But good that you have each other for support. Having people who understand really what you are going through is invaluable I find. X

Eve she so badly wanted children so she's looking at me and saying well at least you have them & then I'm saying to her at least your separation will be more straightforward and it's only the two of you getting hurt

Long weekend here, extra long when he is acting like this isn't happening.
We have a night away booked with dc tomorrow night, a voucher given by his family. He's not mentioned it thankfully & I won't be bringing it up.
He's stepping into role of fun dad with gusto, and participating more with them than ever before. Acting like the perfect husband I guess hoping I'll change my mind. I won't. Took dc to parade today, taking them to cinema on his own tomo. All previous cinema trips have been organised by me. All under the guise of Mammy is sick, let you have a rest, you deserve it and need it, you've had this flu for ages now, same flu that he said was in my head a few weeks ago.

How long before this is thrown back in my face I wonder?!

Hi mammy sounds like a pretty tricky situation him not accepting it. I hope for you that he can give you and the kids the space you need when you get it through to him. Me and my ex decided that it was best I moved out as we were constantly arguing to the point our ds was getting pretty upset. I’m not thrilled at being gone but accept she is not the person I loved anymore and it would be best for our son, so he could adapt more easily to mum and dad being apart. Not sure that helps but that’s my situation. She decided to end it with us btw.

Been mostly ok the last couple of days but getting sudden waves of sadness hitting me at random times- the realisation that for 90% of the time my son will be a long way away😢 We were so close, he is my best friend, I’ve never loved someone so much in all my life and we had so many happy times together. We still will in the future but not seeing him everyday is breaking my heart. Hugs all x