Feeling sad....but will get there!

[Moocow72]

Hi All

Well dc's now know about the separation - it was as awful as I thought it would be and there were tears from all four of us but I think we handled it as well as we could and made it clear that none of it was their fault and that we would always be a family, just couldn't live together anymore.

Initially it was a relief, but must admit I'm struggling now (I guess part of the grieving process). Not helped by how easily dh seems to be moving on with his life. When he first talked about separation many weeks ago I knew there was someone else in the shadows for him. He was honest and told me he was friends with someone and he thought it may develop in the future.

So part of me is fuming that despite him saying he's been unhappy for many years and in his words he "gave up" with the marriage a year ago he could only end it when he knew he had someone else on the sidelines.

I'm not an idiot and to be honest don't really want to beat myself up about what may or may not have happened between them but it's obvious that something will and I guess that's something I've got to get my head around. As far as anyone else is concerned (kids, family) we've told them there is no one else involved which does smart a bit for me as even if nothing happened between them when we were still together it's obvious that this is a factor.

But I guess that's his problem and he has to tell kids/family in due course about her and they can draw their own conclusion.

Just desperately trying to keep positive - in hindsight perhaps it would have been better if this had all happened when we were working/at school as finding it hard having so much spare time for the next few days. Grateful that we've got a dog as she's been fantastic company for me and her poor little legs must be tired as she's getting plenty of walks

Love and happy thoughts to all for the year to come xx

Aww thanks cafe and crumps for those kind words - they really cheered me up on a dull day !

I figured that I just need to give myself a bit of a kick and make plans for this weekend rather than just sit here dreading it.

So I booked a table at a local Italian bistro that we’ve never been to yet for Friday teatime, just me and kids. Saturday I think eldest is playing football but youngest and dog will come with us so we can take her for a long walk which always cheers me up.

Then watch a film with kids Saturday evening. Sunday I’ll visit my parents and in laws (feel a bit strange about what to do this year as I always used to get the Mothers Day card for her as well) so I decided to get a Nana card from the kids and we will take some chocolates round. Presume ex will sort his own stuff out for her this year, but not my concern if he doesn’t.

So hopefully all good - also made plans with a couple of friends for a meal the following Friday and one of the friends is off on holiday next week for a few days and has asked if I can get some time off then we could make some daytime plans too.

So feeling a lot more optimistic and thinking less about ex and OW.

lonelycrab - Good to hear your visit went well. It’s a rollercoaster but when we have a good day it makes us realise that we have a lot to still look forward to in the future. Kids are so amazingly resilient and adaptable.

I am still struggling at the though of ex with someone else, even though I have admitted to not loving him anymore, it’s still very hard to come to terms with (especially so soon - but like I’ve said previously he ended it with me when he did because he knew he had someone else so it’s not as if he’s had any time to be single before going looking). I guess I’m still in love with who he used to be (and what we used to have many moons ago) so I will just have to be patient and try and put them out of my mind as much as possible.

Happy Monday to all xx

I was thinking about you all and hoping things are ok.
I left my marriage. There wasn't anyone else. I couldn't handle/manage the abusive behaviour any more and my kids deserve better.
I can relate to feeling betrayed though because he married me and absolutely intended to make a mockery of the whole thing. I've spent too long looking for external validation that I did the right thing (narc mother)that the doubt became overwhelming.

I stopped trusting myself. Funnily though, most out of the blue, things are slotting in to place and the validation is coming from within.

Takes so long though. I reckon that's probably for the best though, because the recovery is solid and real and from within

Best xx

Feel very fed up. People and their good advice about looking for positives and now having the time to do things just for me

What I wanted to answer is see how you enjoy having enforced weekend on your own every other week and see how much you look forward to it.

When you have 1 friend who is single as happy families suck when you are on your own.

And you don't have the funds to do anything because other parent is not contributing.

And you have to suffer hearing all about the fun stuff your kids did with him and ow. And you smile through gritted teeth.

And have the joy of looking forward to waking up Christmas morning without your kids. And miss birthdays and family holidays. Again ow gets to do that with my kids.

Then see how much you enjoy it.

Yes I will get use to it yes I will stop being very angry about it and no doubt in some magical universe I will meet someone new. But right now it is shot and I hate it.

And breath.

Hi eve

Sending hugs - sometimes people just want to help but there are some things in life that can’t be fixed with anything but time, and I think this is one of those situations.

Just hang in there and take each day a time,
It’s horrible when we find ourselves in a situation where we can’t see any positives, but there will be some and in time you will start and see them.

But for now just feel free to vent and look after yourself as much as you can. Xx

Sorry you’re feeling so down eve. Couldn’t have put it any better than moo did. Although not in exact same position, I’ve got all this to come, seeing the ex with new p, and I know it’s gonna be hard to take knowing my ds is growing up with them. With time it will get easier for both of us you’re right but it’s so hard sometimes. Hug to you

Thank you for your kind replies. I know further down the line it will just be the new normal. I don't think I will ever forgive him for doing this to me.

But as some other helpful person pointed out. He shouldn't stay if he was unhappy I can argue this point as we weren't in a good place. Stuck in a rut etc. If he had wanted to and valued his family more highly I think we could of turned things around. But it is pointless now. I need to except the situation and adjust. As you say it is going to take time.

How's everyone week going. I have been feeling ok and getting by. Only to thrown a curve ball today kids Dad and ow are looking at house few roads away near School. That is too close for comfort but I don't have any choice in it do I. Just have to hope and pray they don't get it.

Hope everyone has a peaceful. Stress free weekend.

Hello everyone

Hope everyone has good stuff to look forward to this weekend - particularly those of us who were mums.

I had a really sad moment today. Went to a talk at my sons’s school - arrived and sat separately from ex. Both left separately but saw him ( I think he probably saw me too) going to wait for the train afterwards. We both did that pretending not to see avoiding. I was liking st him from afar almost like a stranger.

Felt so very sad on the train that it had come to this - the person who I had deeply loved, been open and vulnerable with in a way I hadn’t with anyone else and shared my life with for 18 years - and now we are avoiding each other on train platforms. For a moment the loss felt overwhelming. I can’t explain it but like I said in that moment I could see we really were strangers in any way that matters. It was heartbreaking.

Anyway got on with the day and back home now after a really horrendous week at work that has made me feel quite alone and also just been exhausting. Am off to bed now!

are mums that should read

Hi all and glad you feeling a bit better eve. Having your ex moving so close must be a hard one to swallow. But in the future you may well meet someone who truly loves and respects you and then he will be the uncomfortable one. Getting together with someone else is probably the last thing on your mind at the moment, it is for me anyway. And you said the other day you’d never forgive your ex for what he’s done, that’s ok I reckon and I don’t think I’ll ever forgive mine either. I will try not to let bitterness get the better of me but what she did was shit, and I won’t be forgetting that.

I had a text from ex today crumps about school stuff, parents evening and a class assembly on two different days. Obviously I want to go but not sure I can handle it, it seems so strange that my soulmate of 12 years is ice cold towards me. It’s not like I actually did anything wrong yet she hates me. I’m not sure I’ll go right now. The parents evening ex can relay the details but the class assembly might make me really sad. Don’t want to lose it while I’m watching☹️

Busy burying myself in work tmro and Saturday, keeps my mind off everything. Hugs all x

I love. Big hugs. Yes it is amazing how quickly they feel like strangers. And so sad too. I felt that the last few weeks. I hope he just disappears as he means nothing to me now.

Lonely. You are doing so well. These occasions are bitter sweet. As you so badly want to be part of these events but know ex will be there.

I am afraid I am being the cold one. I want as little to do with the man as possible. There are moments I mellow. But he does not deserve my kindness. He has treated me and the children very badly. Lied and stolen. Etc. As has been said previously. They want to be made to feel that they aren't doing a bad thing.
I have my first counselling session this afternoon. Really hope it brings me some peace.

As for moving on I don't know. Part of me want to rub his face in it. But I know his response will be. See I was right. We are all so happy now. Regardless that the children lives are split in two and all that entails. He is just focused on his own happiness. Always has been. Not able to is the impact it has on everyone else.

Hope everyone has a good weekend

Hi eve I’m not sure it’s not that they can’t see the impact on everyone else - I think they don’t want to so don’t iyswim. Because to acknowledge that would mean actually looking at how selfish their actions are. I remember when my ex was away for so much of the year doing his thing ( not even a job!). My eldest found it really hard - ex just wouldn’t acknowledge that at all and his answer was always ‘ I’ve got 18 years to be a parent doesn’t matter if I’m not here now’. Completely justifies it to himself. I’m guessing that is how having an affair is also justified and ensuring that he is happy.

Lonely that is such a shame you can’t face the school events. Maybe try the parents evening, it will probably be more manageable than you think? I wouldn’t want your ex to be able to show you weren’t engaged in your son’s everyday life? And if you cry in the assembly people will just think it’s because you are moved by the performance. Having said that my ex has just told me he is away all next week and I’m relieved it means he will be missing parents evening! And I’m also not going to go to the school pub quiz as just can’t face it so I’m not one to talk!

Baby steps. We will all get there.

Yes it is the selfishness of their behaviour they don't like having to reflect on. Before he went we had a conversation and he said we should always put ourselves first as if we are happy individuals we can make other people happy. Anyone who puts themselves before the happiness and security of their children is a waste of space to me. Of course there are relationships that can not function long term. But we weren't In That situation. He just got bored with me and thought fuck this.

The first time we talked after left he said. I know I am being a selfish bastard. Says it all.

Sorry I have dominated this thread it is good to off load.

Hi eve

Your ex does indeed sound incredibly selfish - but it’s good that you can see this and like you say anyone that puts themselves before their kids clearly has their perspective all wrong. From the second I found out I was pregnant with both of mine all I could think about was looking after them and doing my best no matter what happens - putting my own interests ahead of them could never enter my mind even though I can’t claim to be a perfect parent in any way.

It also sounds incredibly quick that he and OW are looking for a place together - can only end one way when he or she realises they have rushed into it or get bored.

Crumps - it is hard when we feel like ex is now a stranger. I look at him sometimes and can’t believe he is he same person I’ve known since I was 17. It feels like a defence mechanism for me though, if I separate who is he now from who he was then it seems to make it easier for me.

One thing that has caught me by surprise though is how inadequate I feel being single now. I guess from always being in a relationship for 30 years it feels so weird now not being in one - like I’m missing something and I’m not quite a whole person anymore.

This is strange as I look at other single people and I don’t feel in any way they are inferior or missing out on anything. And the reality of my marriage was that I was largely unhappy for the last few years and it wasn’t a healthy relationship - but at times it feels like that is more “socially acceptable” at my point in life to be in a bad relationship rather than no relationship at all.

Had quite a turbulent week with eldest and arguments with him re exams and revision. Trouble is me and ds1 are very similar so we clash when we argue - ex got involved and aside from being a bit patronising and condescending he was helpful and I think we’ve got over it, ds1 attitude has improved massively and in turn I’ve agreed to nag less and be more positive. Been doing some reading about best way to support children going through a stressful time and realised some mistakes I’ve been making.

But I did get a glimpse of what ex is still like when he was being patronising and trying to push it onto me because I should handle ds1 differently. Let’s just say he got a few home truths about why we are in this situation and how it was insulting how quickly he’d moved on, and also how him only leaving an unhappy marriage allegedly after years of misery because he had someone else said more about him than it did about me. He largely didn’t acknowledge my rant (as I expected) but did admit to deserving what I said to him.

But hopefully all good now and onto better things. Looking forward to the weekend, lovely day out there - tea with the kids tonight and then hopefully some more family time tomorrow and with the parents/in laws Sunday.

Hugs to all xx

Hope you had a lovely tea out Moo and get a lie in tomorrow!

Hope everyone else is doing OK. My ex told me tonight he is interviewing for a job with more flexible hours. For the DC I know this is better but it really brings back my deep fear about how it will be if he really does ask for 50:50 care. I would of course do whatever is best for them but it is just so hard imagining not seeing them most mornings. And tbh just so unfair!

I’m starting seeing a counsellor regularly from next week so am resisting my urge to ask my ex exactly what his thoughts are about the kids once we each have our own places. I need to work through my feelings, what is best for them ( I don’t even know don 50:50 is best?) and not for me etc before even having the conversation . It’s hard though!

Other than that life ticks on. Took some small pleasure in changing several light bulbs that had gone this evening. Ex always claimed the bulbs were too hard to find so it would go months without lightbulbs ( although tba I could have just changed them!). Anyway got the right ones from amazon within 24 hours and now all changed! He really did lie to get out of doing anything he didn’t want to I’m discovering!!

Hi everyone have been feeling fairly positive the last few days before today, but this morning was a right angry bile filled mess. I feel sometimes I need to get across what she has done. Didn’t send anything and just calmed down a bit a work which I’m glad of. In the back of my mind I know if I really tell some home truths in a spiteful way then it could impact on my relationship with ds. Will bide my time and pick my words carefully. The unsent email therapy.
I’m with you totally eve with the fuck this I’m bored thing. You don’t just give up because you fancy a change when you start a family. Yes sometimes it just can’t work but that wasn’t the case for us at all either. Maybe it’s just as well she gave up this easy as life would soon throw something that was a real problem at us, and if that’s how easy you give up then there would have been no point anyway, it wouldn’t have lasted the test of time.

With school I am thinking of going but after this summer she’ll be at least an hour away so any sort of day to day stuff is going to be limited. It’s not like they’ll be round the corner. That’s her choice but once she moves that sort of thing is going to be impossible. Got a meet with ds Sunday, hoping to meet early and get longer than a couple of hours. In two weeks time I have him for two nights at my parents I can’t wait! Hope you all have a good weekend

@Moocow72

Happy Birthday Moo hope you have the lovely day you deserve! The start of many x

Morning all.

Moo hope you have a lovely weekend. And manage to enjoy your birthday.

I love. I hope you find a solution to shared care that you are happy with. Kids Dad told me yesterday he is looking at house around the corner. I don't want him that close. And so near to school etc. Means he can take more of an active role with the kids than I'm happy with. But it isn't about me. It would be good for the kids. And I don't doubt once the novelty wears off his work and social life will take a higher priority. Have to wait and see.

Lonely. So pleased you are getting your ds for the weekend. Hope you guys have a lovely time And keep writing those e mails. I have loads. I'm embrassed by the old ones so they get cleared out every so often.

Hope everyone enjoys their weekend.

Me again. In bits over this waste of space man.

He text a long text this morning about how I was an inspiration and amazing Mum and he is sorry for the situation but hopes I will understand one day. Blah blah.

He got it both barrels so now I am narrow minded and mean and I'm trying not to be upset in front of the kids.

Hope everyone is having a better day

Hi eve. So much of an inspiration that he just had to be unfaithful. It’s really insensitive of him to send that imo. Good on you for giving it to him. He’s just trying to make himself feel better.

I had a text yesterday that she ended with a x (kiss) for the first time since we split. Obviously a mistake from years of habit but it did get to me. Was it a mistake? Could she be having second thoughts? No of course not but it played on my mind all fecking day so I know how these things can get to you. Happy mother’s day to all you amazing mums xx

Thank you lonely. It has completely ruined the day. I was struggling anyway.

And I know he will now tell anyone who will listen ( no one who counts) that look I made this great gesture and she has thrown it in my face. It will be all about him being this great man and I'm the bitter ex.

I should of ignored it
It was the bit that said I would 'get it one day'. When's that. When I spend the next ten years sharing my kids with another woman who wants to play happy families with my kids. So much I want to say. Long e mails are being written and not sent.

Hello everyone

Just thought I’d pop in and say hi and see how everyone is doing this week?

Ex is away with work so just me and the kids which is nice in some ways. Hoping for a peaceful week

Morning I love. Hope you are enjoying a peaceful week. And everyone else is getting by. I guess people are slowly getting use to the new reality.

I have to say I am still struggling. Although early days. I think it is because he has skipped off and set up a new life so easily. Without a care or thought for the kids. I don't know how anyone can walk out of their children's lives. It is the ultimate selfish thing a person can do. I wish I could move on as easily.

Morning all. Not having a very good week tbh. Finding it really hard not to get everwhelmed with bitterness and resentment. I guess I’m just bouncing around between the different stages and I’m stuck in the anger phase right now. Had an email from ex about solicitors stuff and she put hope you’re ok at the end. I replied about the boring stuff and added that no, I am not fucking ok, I’m homeless and having to cope without my son in my life.

I know dwelling is doing me no good but on my days off I’m just finding myself so lonely and hopeless. This will pass so have to be strong. Feel better to have let her know how much she’s hurt me, and my ds. Having a little cry now, thanks everyone for letting me vent.

Have been trying to fix my mind on a newish car. I’ve never had anything decent in my life. Currently swinging between getting something very practical and going full on mid life crisis sports car...

Hi eve

I’ve also been in a bit of a low - it would have been my dad’s birthday last weekend ( he died 18 months ago) then Mother’s Day so quite a hard weekend. I also felt quite isolated as my mum ( and Dad) have always given my sister who is a single parent loads of support ( although she lives near), always worried about her on Mother’s Day so sent her flowers etc etc. I know it’s selfish and self pitying as my mum is no doubt dealing with my dad’s death but all I heard about was how her and my sister had ordered food in as neither of them should cook, how she’s got her gifts from my niece and so on. There didn’t seem to be any thought as to how hard the weekend might be for me. Plus my ex still just lies all the time which I find so draining - just little lies about everything. And always late, never does things he needs to do until the very last minute and because of the kids and the house I annoyingly still have to deal with it.

My eldest is also being quite challenging as he is obviously finding it difficult.

But I’m sure things will pick up soon. I’m learning that this has a lot of ups and downs but it does get better - even if it doesn’t feel like it sometimes!