Feeling sad....but will get there!

[Moocow72]

Hi All

Well dc's now know about the separation - it was as awful as I thought it would be and there were tears from all four of us but I think we handled it as well as we could and made it clear that none of it was their fault and that we would always be a family, just couldn't live together anymore.

Initially it was a relief, but must admit I'm struggling now (I guess part of the grieving process). Not helped by how easily dh seems to be moving on with his life. When he first talked about separation many weeks ago I knew there was someone else in the shadows for him. He was honest and told me he was friends with someone and he thought it may develop in the future.

So part of me is fuming that despite him saying he's been unhappy for many years and in his words he "gave up" with the marriage a year ago he could only end it when he knew he had someone else on the sidelines.

I'm not an idiot and to be honest don't really want to beat myself up about what may or may not have happened between them but it's obvious that something will and I guess that's something I've got to get my head around. As far as anyone else is concerned (kids, family) we've told them there is no one else involved which does smart a bit for me as even if nothing happened between them when we were still together it's obvious that this is a factor.

But I guess that's his problem and he has to tell kids/family in due course about her and they can draw their own conclusion.

Just desperately trying to keep positive - in hindsight perhaps it would have been better if this had all happened when we were working/at school as finding it hard having so much spare time for the next few days. Grateful that we've got a dog as she's been fantastic company for me and her poor little legs must be tired as she's getting plenty of walks

Love and happy thoughts to all for the year to come xx

I love. That is fab advice about focusing on the love for children instead of rage at them.

Another weekend looms. He is apparently coming to take them out for tea tonight. Wants half day tomorrow and Saturday. So I'm in for quiet few days. I have his wardrobe to sort out. I have stored his shit long enough I'm bagging it up and putting it in the attic. He won't be happy.

Hope everyone is making the most of the snow and has a good weekend.

Hi crumps again yes solid advice there- let go of the hate and focus on the love instead. Less hate for ex = more love for ds. Spot on.

Your right about no regrets too. If we hadn’t of met, I wouldn’t have my son so despite all the pain it was worth it completely.

I sent another sobbing email yesterday. I know I know somebody slap me! Wasn’t really pleading for her back, more a “I miss you so much you were my best friend” type thing (sickbag anyone?) I know must go nc NOW. Anyway what I got back was perfect! Such a seething mass of bile and resentment and half truths thrown back at me! Even had capitals like a proper rant. She hardly ever emailed me with her feelings- it was almost always verbal, but now I have the perfect summary of her character in print. Next time I feel weak and want to reminisce, I can get that email out to remind me what she became. Feeling quite good today because of this- feels like moving forward but I know not to get complacent.

It’s strange the leaving someone but still having to see them every week thing. For us who were left, at least we have the opportunity to show them exactly how wrong they were, which is exactly what I intend to do

Hi everyone hope your all well.
I've been brave and seen a solicitor yesterday so now I've got to and speak to ex about his demands and how it's actually going to be. He can't have his cake and eat it as they say. I'm nervous about talking to him because he just gets personal as he knows how to hurt me!

Your right with how you could be higher earner and they are the ones who cheated but it doesn't matter!!!!!

Lonely. You are doing really well. Hang on in there. I have written many e mails but not sent them. I want to beg and plead. But I want the old person back. Not this selfish idiot who thinks having fun life free of responsibility is a better place to be than with his kids.

They aren't going to change their minds. It has gone to far now. We just have to sit back and hope karma catches up with them.

Yes eve and thankyou. I’m constructing a draft email in retaliation that makes war and peace look like a quick read! Will not send it though and putting it all down definitely helps. The email she sent me really helps me see the real her and not the one I am remembering. Hugs to you and everyone x

Hi All

I'm sorry for not posting last few days - I need to catch up on everyone's messages as it seems like a few of us are having such a hard time. I know it's a cliche but hang in there and we will get through this. Some of you have such difficult decisions and such horrible practical situations to deal with that I want to send you all my strength. In particular Lonelycrab - it sounds like you've really been through the wringer and your ex doesn't deserve someone who is that caring and considerate. It will come back to bite her, I know it.

I have been on a plateau recently, no major dramas but no real highs either.

However, today I did something stupid. As I posted a while back, I told ex I was unfriending him from FB as I just thought it was easier, even though we had both agreed we would never post anything nasty about each other (as our kids are also on FB) or flaunt our "new life" (basically this is aimed at him as my new life is very similar to my old one except without him in it).

But our youngest obviously still has him on FB - today I was fixing his phone for him and I wondered about ex on Facebook so I opened the app - and lo and behold his latest update came up which was just a change of his profile picture to a selfie of him in the snow.

I then looked at his "likes" and saw a "love" from a woman whose full name I didn't recognise - but I know it was the same first name as the OW.

So, I then looked at her page etc. etc. in true "crazy ex stalking mentality". There was nothing on there to be honest - no pictures of the two of them, nothing between them at all except the "love" on his profile picture.

To cut a long story short, she is a singing teacher who my husband started going to about a year ago. When he told me he wanted a separation he said that he had been talking to her about the situation and she was a friend only (but obviously he's bound to say that) but he did think she had feelings for him and it would develop once he was single.

He even used to go round hers to "talk" whilst we were living in the same house and come back in the early hours (he would tell me where he was going) and it broke my heart as even if they weren't doing anything physical at that point it was clearly obvious what his motives were.

So all I knew about her (before today) was she was a singing teacher who also sang in a band with three young kids and she lives in the same town. But she has a public facebook page for her music which I looked at.

She is lovely. Simple as. Pretty, clearly talented, obviously looks after herself and I can totally get now why ex did what he did. He's always been a bit of a frustrated musician and recently started learning to play guitar (played drums when he was younger) - took singing lessons so he could be able to sing enough to write music.

She does everything - writes music, plays guitar, sings. In fact, his perfect woman. I never did any of that. I can totally see him ending up following her to watch her gigs and help with technical stuff - would be his perfect life.

I want to message him now to say I know who his OW woman is and I totally get it now and can see why he made the decision to separate once he knew she was there for him but I don't know whether anything positive can come from that, or whether it would make me feel worse. But I really, really, want him to know that I now see the situation more clearly. Yes, we had problems in our relationship and realistically our marriage was probably over before she came on the scene - but there is no way he would have ended it unless he had someone like that waiting for him ( i can imagine him sitting there thinking about it, if he knew she was keen on him then he'll have been thinking that he had to end it with me as he may miss out on his perfect woman if he didn't - and after all, the relationship was dead in his eyes so apart from the kids, he had nothing to lose).

There's no way I could ever compete with someone like that (not that I want to tbh) - a little part of me though does wonder how he will be if he is in a relationship with her, he was always a bit strange to some of my friends when we were younger - got the impression he liked being the centre of attention for me and didn't like it when I spent time on others. Yet with her, she will clearly have "fans" and lots of people around her - especially at gigs and things and I'm not sure how easily he will handle that. But that's not my concern of course.

Just feel so sad, and inadequate.

xx

Sorry guys, before anyone tells me that I shouldn't message him as it's not worth it. I did.

I feel a bit annoyed, but to be honest sometimes you just have to get these things off your chest otherwise they fester.

I just messaged him and said "By the way, your next Mrs looks lovely. I totally get it now. Why stay with me and make us both miserable when you can have your perfect, musically talented woman ? Good on you"

Childish - yes. Petty - yes. Do I feel a bit better for it ? Yes!

Hug to you moo

Please don’t feel like that. It’s hard but never feel like you’re not good enough or compare yourself to others like that. You will have many many good attributes and you come across as a really kind hearted person. I almost wish my ex had someone else, maybe she has and I just don’t know. Would make things easier in some ways to accept. How people can cultivate a relationship while still in one is beyond me, it shows them as a pretty self centred, weak and impulsive person imo.

FWIW before my ex I was in a relationship with an old friend-she was the singer of our band at the time. Absolutely stunning girl and I thought my dreams had come true when we finally got together. It went sour after 9 months. She’d been having an ea online and spent another 3 months dismantling our relationship. I’d known her 10 years at that point, it all didn’t matter as she’d spotted something better. Looking back she was needy, clingy and like an emotional robot- she would become whatever her partner at the time wanted them to be. On the inside she was hollow, and depressed. Bit like my ex is now. I do pick em! Looks and appearances really really are not everything moo.

And she’s probably a crap musician too. Vast majority are. I should know, I run a studio and my job is to record that crap!

Haha lonelycrab - the comment about crap musician made me laugh out loud!! Fair play to you for listening to some of the drivel that bands put out !!

I know what you mean though, sometimes artistic people who look so outwardly perfect and are talented are often the most troubled souls and difficult to be with.

I didn’t get a response from ex (surprise surprise) but I was either expecting nothing or some sort of patronising or passive-aggressive message. But I feel a bit better that he is aware that I fully understand why he did what he did and there’s no beating around the bush about it - he didn’t cheat but he did set it all up knowing what would happen which, as you say, makes him self centred and weak as if our relationship was so awful (and I’ve never denied there were massive problems) then he would have had the strength to walk away before he’d identified his next “victim”.

I hope you have a good day - thanks for cheering me up

Mm. I'm sure what you are going through is only natural. I have face book stalked ow. She is very young. Pretty and fun. As we all were when we were 23. Without the commitments of kids and mortgages.

I am mainly heart broken that he went looking. He should of never done that. But there is a very small part of me that says she is welcome to him. His mess his shit money management and constant pawing. He had no respect for boundaries.

Have to hang onto those thoughts.

Feeling bit fed up. We should of all been out playing in the snow. Kids and I have been out. He is coming this afternoon to take them out so I can have some time to myself he said. He hasn't ever bothered in the last 11 years. Felt like saying not to dress up His contact like he is doing me some sort of massive favour. But just said they will be ready. Which he hates. Twice now he has replied with 'nice chat'. When I have just given required replies. I have no intention of doing small talk with the idiot.

Still waiting on money. I know I should go through cms. I have told myself if he messes me about this month I will put in claim from 1st April.

Hi eve

Yeah you’re absolutely right - I am focusing on her and how pretty and lovely she looks and how she must have such an interesting life and how much fun she must be to be around. And I’m sure ex is picking up his game being Mr Interesting himself but will she still put up with him when he drinks too much and starts being horrible ? How will he react to her wonderful life that may not mean he is at the centre of it - what about all her male friends and what if ex starts feeling threatened ?

I know I shouldn’t be thinking of these things as it’s their business. But he could be a horrible, moody, argumentative person and although he would blame that on being in an unhappy marriage all the time, I very much doubt it is that straightforward and I’m sure those traits in him are still there and will come out in due course.

If she didn’t have any kids I could totally see how he would be latching onto her life as a chance to re-live his youth but as she had three then I’m sure that will make a difference to the time they have as a new couple.

But I just need to try and focus on mine and the kids future and try to be happy and just let ex do what he wants. If she turns out to be his soul mate and they are blissfully happy then I have to accept that.

Hugs - try to enjoy your time to yourself today xx

Moo. It is so hard. They have skipped off into happy new life whilst we are stuck doing the same old routine. Keeping it together for the kids. Struggling to see how we were start to move forward on our own. Bit difficult with limited child care and limited funds. But we will get there x

Absolutely - I feel so guilty because I think I should be doing more, especially with the kids but it is so difficult when I’m being cautious with money.

Feels like I have the practical stuff of sorting the kids out at school, homework etc and ex just does the carefree stuff. I know it’s not completely like that as my kids are older (11 and 16) and the eldest doesn’t really go round his dads, but ex gives him lifts to football a few times a week to keep up communication with him. Youngest is round there more and I had to laugh the other day when we were walking the dog and I said to youngest “Is it good just having a boys house ?” And he replied “Yes, standards are lower” which made me smile.

I am lucky that my kids are older and more self sufficient but in a way that makes it harder as I desperately want to build a strong relationship with just the three of us and sometimes it’s difficult.

I think also I’m stressed about next weekend. Saturday is my birthday and Sunday is Mother’s Day so obviously going to be a strange one. Ex is already away all weekend with his mates (which was planned before we separated so I should have guessed the writing was on the wall when he wanted to spend my birthday weekend away from me). So I initially was going to arrange the three of us to go away for a couple of days but with money being tight and eldest have football all weekend I’m not sure. Just don’t want it being awkward for me or the kids.

Xx

That sounds hard moo. Time for you to start a new tradition. Something you and the children can do that you may of not done before. Posh lunch somewhere. Or take away together.

Think both age groups have the advantages and disadvantages. With the younger ones you actually have to have the contact.

Although he finally turned up few hours later than planned and just took them. Rather than trying to make small talk. Part of me is glad, I have nothing to say to him. But I know I have to be more friendly for the kids sake. But still early days.

Thanks eve - that’s exactly what I need to do - make some plans, even if small but just something I’m doing with them because it’s my birthday.

It will be hard/strange but I know I’ll get through it, and I guess it’s a bonus because I get to tick another two “firsts” off my list !

Xx

Yes that is a step in the right direction.

Kids Dad worked away on and off for 3 years so I am use to being on my own. Not having them around is more difficult. They have always been with me.

But I think he will soon get bored. He would much rather be out with his mates then being stuck in with the kids.

He came into the house for something on his return. I said I have moved your belongings to the air cupboard. You don't need to go in my bedroom. Apparently I'm being 'pathetic' So clearly hit a nerve. Then kept the kids till our late. His usual passive aggressive way.

Right now it just makes me laugh. Although I know how quickly that changes.

Kids said ow was with them today. That hasn't bothered me too much. Because at least I know he will be trying to pull out all the stops and show her what a great dad he is. 😂

Another day in the roll coaster of Life tomorrow. Bring it on.

How is everyone weekend going. Another contact day. And another realisation what a twat the men is. Feels like a ton Weight has been lifted from me.

Apparently I am pathetic to of moved his belongings out of my bedroom and selfish for wanting to paint Dd bedroom.

Long may this last. Hope everyone else is having a good day.

eve

Ha I logged on to say exactly the same! Deliberately late despite knowing I needed to get to my friends before she went out - which I now can’t do so
Will have to hang around waiting for hours. Despite the fact that in my view I’m being pretty reasonable moving out overnight so he can stay, given he decided to move out before we can afford somewhere where he can have the kids. He also was away the majority of the time since they were born, so I’m similar in that being without the kids is the weird but for me. I hate the fact that he is in the house and feel like I have nowhere that is mine, no space that is safe and just for me. On the plus side it is helpful having regular reminders of exactly who he is.

Moo so sorry to hear you’ve been having a hard time. Please don’t in any way think you weren’t good enough for your ex or that his behaviour is understandable. I may be wrong but it sounds like you had some years of him slowly hopping away at your confidence - you’ve behaved so well towards him. I also think re your DH and his relationship with new woman that whether something was physical or not is kind of irrelevant. It is a betrayal even if it wasn’t physical. And waiting to leave until he had someone else when not engaging in the marriage are the actions of a weak man. Hope you are enjoying a peaceful evening xx

‘chipping away’ should have been! And yes something new for your birthday, although it will be hard.

Hi crumps

It’s bizarre isn’t it that we all seem to be behaving so reasonably and going out of our way to make things as easy as possible for them when it was them who decided to leave ? I think you are being so good leaving the house for him so he can have his overnights with the kids.

I guess we can all see the bigger picture and where we want to be in the long term and what’s best for our kids, rather than what they have done.

It is annoying though. I must admit I’ve been feeling a bit down, back to thinking about whether ex is out with ow and what he’s doing - whereas a few days I could go for long periods of time without it entering my head. I guess it’s just a response to discovering OW is actually real and putting a face to her name.

It also does annoy me a bit as we agreed we would tell family that the split was a joInt decision and no one else was involved. Sometimes I want to tell my parents and in laws that although the marriage failure wasn’t a result of someone else, the timing definitely had a lot to do with there being another party involved.

But I guess that won’t really help as it will just lead to more questions from them so perhaps best just to leave as-is but I guess sooner or later he will have to tell at least his parents and our kids.

He is weak and I told him as much when we first separated. It’s all well and good him going on about the marriage having problems and the fact that he felt like I wasn’t a real partner to him, but the bottom line is that he was at the very least planning a new relationship before we’d even separated.

And yes you’re right crumps about him chipping away at my confidence - I just constantly felt like I was failing at being a wife and even at times he criticised my parenting. The way he used to wallow in self-pity really irritated me and everything was always my fault, or I wasn’t doing enough, or I was dumping stuff on him (which was ridiculous as by far I did the majority of the practical stuff to with with the house, cars, kids etc and he did very little).

I admitted something to myself a couple of days ago that I hadn’t dared to - and that was that I fell out of love with him a long time ago. Yes, he is the father of my children and I will always care about him deeply and value what we had. But I know that it isn’t love - and I realised that when we separated but even then wouldn’t admit it. I would look at him and as much as being apart was upsetting - I genuinely couldn’t say that I loved him and wanted him back.

It’s sad and i find it very hard dealing with him movIng on to another relationship but I know I need to keep strong as what would have been more sad would have been us carrying on how we were.

Hugs xx

Moo I don’t have much to say except that I really like you. You are very forgiving and come across so kind and strong. I hope better times await you. Spring will be here soon, you are doing so well. Lots of love.

Hi all

Moo I really get what you are saying about admitting to not having been in love with ex at the end. This is starting to dawn on me too - it’s as if now I can see him more clearly I also can tell I was chasing a dream that last year at least. And I second Cafe’s lovely words about you .

I had a lovely evening yesterday at my friends - people round for dinner who I have been getting to know, mainly strong, funny women. It reminds me how much I enjoy female company and how - a bit of a generalisation - a lot of women really seem to find themselves late 30s/early 40s onwards. At least 3 of us in similar situations as well.

Am having a bit of a difficult time with my eldest at the moment. He is really struggling with not seeing his dad at much and really blaming me - as I’m in the house still. The ususalmstuff I’d blame, saying he doesn’t want me there, telling me to go away. Ex is going to come next sat instead of sun because of mother’s day and DS is really upset, says he doesn’t want to spend mother’s day with me, would rather see his dad on the Sunday etc etc. I know he is only about to be 6 but sometimes it does hurt - which is silly. Am also in two kids as to what to do for the best for him? I don’t want to force him to spend the day with me - seems to kind of defeat the point - but should I go along with his wishes?

I’d think it is just him testing boundaries with me ( as in will I move out too if he pushes me), but against that he has always been very much a daddy’s boy. I sometimes wonder if he genuinely would be happier living with my ex.

Morning all. I’ve also been having a bit of a realisation like moo and crumps about not being in love with my ex. I miss dearly the life we had, we were on the surface of it a happy family unit and got on ok. I cared about her deeply and we had a real connection, but there was something missing, we could have been brother and sister for all the intimacy between us. I spose I thought it was just what happens after 12 years but maybe not. I know there will be times i’ll miss her like crazy and want her back, but that’s me just yearning for what’s comfortable and familiar, rather than me actually loving her.

Had a really good meet up with ds yesterday. After the previous weekends nightmare it was all very civil and ds seems to be coping well with the situation, we had a really good laugh together. I went away afterwards feeling like maybe this is for the best. I don’t miss the feeling of never quite being good enough that i always had in the back of mind when we were together. Monday to all xx

*monday hugs to all