Feeling sad....but will get there!

[Moocow72]

Hi All

Well dc's now know about the separation - it was as awful as I thought it would be and there were tears from all four of us but I think we handled it as well as we could and made it clear that none of it was their fault and that we would always be a family, just couldn't live together anymore.

Initially it was a relief, but must admit I'm struggling now (I guess part of the grieving process). Not helped by how easily dh seems to be moving on with his life. When he first talked about separation many weeks ago I knew there was someone else in the shadows for him. He was honest and told me he was friends with someone and he thought it may develop in the future.

So part of me is fuming that despite him saying he's been unhappy for many years and in his words he "gave up" with the marriage a year ago he could only end it when he knew he had someone else on the sidelines.

I'm not an idiot and to be honest don't really want to beat myself up about what may or may not have happened between them but it's obvious that something will and I guess that's something I've got to get my head around. As far as anyone else is concerned (kids, family) we've told them there is no one else involved which does smart a bit for me as even if nothing happened between them when we were still together it's obvious that this is a factor.

But I guess that's his problem and he has to tell kids/family in due course about her and they can draw their own conclusion.

Just desperately trying to keep positive - in hindsight perhaps it would have been better if this had all happened when we were working/at school as finding it hard having so much spare time for the next few days. Grateful that we've got a dog as she's been fantastic company for me and her poor little legs must be tired as she's getting plenty of walks

Love and happy thoughts to all for the year to come xx

Hope everyone has a better day today xxx

Morning all.

Another day in the fun factory. Think the weekends are harder as you should be doing family things together and other families are off doing things. And that just makes the hurts worse.

It is the hardest thing I have ever experienced. And I think that is what upsets me the most. Is that I would never of done this to him. I would never cause this hurt to him. I would of done everything in my power to make it right.

I don't know if it is a control thing that he makes me wait for times etc. Or the fact that he just doesn't care. Has no idea how I feel sat here waiting.

I know In Time it will pass. I long for the day it isn't so raw. But then I have excepted he is never coming back. And that just devastate me all over again. That I will get to a point that us not being us is normal.

@eve34 I understand totally how you are feeling , I feel like that too. Take it day by day, and as people say it will get easier. This time next year!! It's all well and good saying these things but i understand it doesn't help at the time!
I know I need to listen to my own advice lol.

Morning everyone. It’s a lovely day in London. Clear blue skies. On my way for my weekly meet up with ds can’t wait to see him.

Have been quite tearful this morning. Trying to work out if there’s anyway back to the family life I loved so dearly. Xp issued an ultimatum that I refused to go with and that’s the reason she left. Was thinking last night that I should just do as she says (even though it’s a bad, pointless ideai imo) as I woul do anything to not be so alone right now. In my heart I know it’s probably clutching at straws but that’s the rollercoaster we’re all on I guess.

Lonely. I would grab any straw to have the family Life I want. I know I put up with a lot that wasn't really expectable. Ex is a very selfish man. And I tolerated his behaviour for the family.

I know in time that I will look back and see that this is the right thing to do. I hope I meet someone who treats me right and respects me.

But I will also hate that ex has done this to the family. That I have my kids on a pet time basis and he has done this to them. Just because we had lost our spark. I won't ever forgive him.

Hope everyone is making the most of the sunshine. X

Well after meeting her I’m not so sure. So much has been twisted in her mind: the good things that i did never existed, I never gave her support and apparently I work a two day week. Blatantly not true. I’m thinking that if she can twist things in this way there is no point. The issues run deep and really I think she is angry at herself that she started a family with me. I was never a high achiever wage wise, my goals are very different but that is the way I am-she should have realised this at the start. My head says I can’t just turn into the person she really needs although my heart says try anything.

On lonely. I do feel for you. They change history to fit their needs. Apparently I was terrible to take out awkward and anti social. Along with a list of other crimes that just weren't true.

Many have followed this path before us and have come out the other side. We will too. But I know I will always hold a grudge for this. And right now still praying for a Miracle . I know it isn't going to happen.

Good luck to all on this thread
I know things will get better in time

Anyway Eve would you want to be with such a selfish person? You deserve better. And should you have to tolerate it just for the sake of family life? I’m not so sure and think if I try to appease her it will ultimately still fail, and I’ll be logging back onto this thread in six months or so.

When all this kicked off for me a month ago, I told myself the only way out of this is if she changed her shitty ungrateful attitude. Feels like the right way to look at things now. Probly feel different tmro....

Lonely. You are absolutely right. I know fundamentally we both needed to make changes. And I was prepared to do that. He wasn't. He was never wrong and I could write a. Long list of things I won't miss. As well as a long list of what I will miss.

I need to work through this shit bit to get to the other side.

Well that was a disaster of a day. I said that I was prepared to do anything to give us one last shot but she just launched into me. A barrage of things that I’ve always done wrong coupled with a seething hatred of me. The person I loved is well and truly gone and I must stop pretending things can go back.

I want to go back to our house as living out of a bag whilst trying to run my business is killing me. Have been away for sake of ds but I don’t think it’s right I should live like this when it was her choice to end it. She wants to wait until end of school year before moving, fair enough but I can’t last till July like this. Will construct an email over the coming days saying I realise (despite telling her I love her and want her back just a few days ago) that whatever we had is gone for good, and that I need to live at our house like a lodger until she leaves. She says she couldnt handle it but that’s her problem. Its so hard because I will always put my son first, but If she can’t stand the sight of me, why should I give her all the easy options? If she has to rent a flat with ds then so be it, that’s her choice. Welcome to the real world.

So sick of this and I need to put it all behind me. I said goodbye to my son till next week. He was crying his eyes out

Oh lonely. I can't imagine being in your position. I am blessed I have my children 90% of the time and I dread the 10% I don't so you have my utmost sympathy.

You are very brave and sound strong with your decision. And you know all the advice. That time will heal. And you will see this as a good thing one day.

Although right now I am Sharing your pain. I don't see how I will ever move on but the only person who suffers then is me. It won't bring him back. He know I'm in pain. But doesn't give a shit. Ow has filled my shoes very nicely so why should he even give me another thought. And doesn't anyway. And why do I want to be with a man who can replace me so easily.

We just need to wait it out. And mend x

Hugs to @eve34 and @Lonelycrab . We will be stronger one day and look back at all of this and realise how much better we are now xxx
Here's to a positive week I hope xxx

Hello everyone

So sorry for everyone who has had a rubbish weekend and are struggling. Hopefully as we move into the week it will make things a little easier.

I had a dream last night that ex and I got back together. It was really unsettling and I was upset after waking. Then he turned up at the house to see the boys and it was a very good reminder as to what he can really be like. Some of the thing she said also makes me think he is going to start getting nasty about money soon as well.

I was upset and cried for a bit this afternoon, but for the first time I could really feel/understand it was for what I had lost, who he had become and for myself that I gave him my trust. It wasn’t about wanting him back.

Moo re box sets - I’m a bit of a box set virgin. Atm I have the Crown but not sure I’d say it was that great, it does pass the time though and is better than quite a lot on TV! Have you seen Mad Men? If not I would definitely recommend that, I loved that series once I was into it. Also the first few series of Orange is the New Black.

Thanks for the box sets tips Crumps - I had “Orange Is the new black” on my shortlist to watch so will definitely look that one up next!

Hope everyone is doing ok today and looking forward to “The Beast from the East” - I swear if there’s anything less than 6ft of snow tomorrow morning I’m going to be bitterly disappointed !

Hugs xx

@Moocow72 you will have to let me know good box sets or anyone else so I can stock up for the weekends little one is away!

I’d recommend “Big Little Lies” which is still available on Sky - really enjoyed it and it’s all about dysfunctional relationships so right up our street !!!

I’ve also been getting back into “Ashes to Ashes” which I watched years ago but found the box set DVD when I was sorting through some stuff so have been giving it a re-watch as forgot how good it was !

Xx

Afternoon everyone. How's we doing with the snow.

Hope we are all having a better day. Kids Dad has asked me for the third time if I'm ok.

So he got a rather lengthy answer. Which in summary was no. And you caused all this.

His answer was there is t anything I can say.

Hope him and ow are having a good giggle at my expense. Hope she was worth the upset that this has caused me and the kids.

Good to let it out. Roll on Friday counselling.

Hi eve doing a bit better today. Yesterday had the post meet up blues big time. Decided to go for a ten mile walk in the icy wind and it was strangely comforting - perhaps it matched the desolation I’m feeling inside. I’m on the south coast at the mo (parents) and it’s only just started snowing.

Feel for you with your ex asking you how you are. What a twat. How does he expect you to be? I think when people destroy a relationship in the way that’s happened to us, they lose the right to ask us how we feel. They have done one of the worst things, split up a family for their own selfish gains. He’s trying to relieve himself of the blame nothing more. Doesn’t surprise me.

Hugs to you and everyone xx

Hi lonely.

Brisk cold walk sounds very therapeutic.

Yes some said further down the thread. They want to be relieved of their guilt and made to feel that the situation isn't that bad. Well I most certainly am not going to pretend I'm ok. To make him feel better

No snow here so far but there was some in Bracknell when I left. So might be on its way further down.

Hang in there.

Hi there everyone

Hope you are all surviving the beast from the east! Looks so pretty here today as we only have a manageable level of snow.

I’ve been struggling the last few days thinking about finances. It is really starting to get to me that I will have to give ex half my pension - so in effect will get less from the house sale and be able to afford somewhere far less nice than him ( or maybe not even be able to afford somewhere where the kids can stay in school).

I just can’t get past the fact that he gave up his job to follow his dream hobby for 8 years, as a result got a very small grant whilst i worked to support the family plus did all the childcare ( as he was away 5 1/2 mo the in total and doing this 7 days a week). And now I have to give him half my pension - which as I spent my savings during this period means some of my bit of the equity - and will end up worse off. I even told him to set up a private pension during this period which he never bothered with.

It just feels so unfair and I’m struggling to find a way to make peace with it.

Hi crumpets the unfairness of it all gets to me too. I seem to be holding the very shitty end of the stick whilst me ex gets to carry on pretty much unhindered, and it was her who needlessly gave up on our family, over stuff most couples would see as the ups and downs of life. She was so weak and gave so little to our relationship yet I seem to be the one carrying the can. The pension thing must be really frustrating, esp as it sounds like you had done most of the heavy lifting in your relationship. I’m hopefully buying my ex out of the house, but due to ds schooling she won’t be leaving until late July. So I’ve got almost six months living out of a bag while she gets to stay in our house. I put nine months of blood sweat and tears getting the house ready for us as a family whilst she stopped work and lived an easy life with her m+d. I too have spent my savings supporting her when she needed it and I just wish she’d reached her conclusion before spending most of what I had in the bank.

It’s life I spose, but I do believe in karma, and perhaps in the long run things will turn out better for you than it might seem possible right now. That’s what I’m trying to tell myself anyway. Right I’m going to build a snowman now.

Sorry to hear you guys are struggling. I hope you have both had sound legal advice before anything is finalised.

I have to say at the moment the odds are stacked in my favour as the house was mine before we got together and we weren't married. But I now have to stop paying into my pension as I need the funds for the bills. And have stretched the mortgage back to 25 years so I can afford the bills. So sadly until I inherit (if) I will be working until I'm 70.

He on the other hands has a small payout to start again so unlikely to get a mortgage for a few more years and will be starting all over again and working longer. As we had both planned to retire at 55.

It is a bitter pill to swallow as I guess we all had it mapped out.

I'm sitting with a colossal joint mortgage. Neither of us can afford to buy the other, the equity in the house is negligible. Interest at 4.75% because affordability criteria had changed so much when we came out of our fixed rate.

So, 144k mortgage payments has barely dented the balance. 30 years still left. Definitely badly advised but also poor choices at our end I guess.

It's hard not to feel very unlucky, once in a while. He's financially incontinent too and resisted every attempt to come to agreement (mediation/financial advise) with me. He's been very careless with money, and loose tongued about his reduced circumstances (to the kids faces)

Honestly, I'm running out of brave faces to put on. The sheer PA personality he conveys is becoming clearer as time goes by.

I can't find and hold on to the consolations at the minute, so am just going to ride it out
Life is really quite shit, however I dress it up.

😕😕

Hi eve and lonely

Lonely - it must feel like forever at this point, but you will get there in the end. If you get to keep your house it will no doubt all be worth it. It must be hard to hold onto that at the moment. I also wish my ex had had the guts/honesty to have ended things years ago so I didn’t waste so much of my time waiting for him and for us to be a family. But there is no point in regret, it doesn’t change anything or make it better.

Yes I’ve had legal advice - my solicitor basically said unfortunately high earning spouses who also do majority of childcare are the losers in asset splits on divorce.

I do need to find a way to get ok with this otherwise it will eat me up and I won’t be able to move forwards or have a chance at an amicable relationship for the kids. My counsellor says a good guide is that ( if you have kids) you need to put more effort into the love you have for your children than the animosity you feel for your ex. I do agree with this and hope I manage to achieve that ( most) of the time .

Oh how I would like to just be able to completely walk away from him though. Although saying that maybe being forced to confront and deal with my ex and my feelings will mean I come out stronger and properly address and move on from it in the long term. Fingers crossed

Have a good night everyone!