Feeling sad....but will get there!

[Moocow72]

Hi All

Well dc's now know about the separation - it was as awful as I thought it would be and there were tears from all four of us but I think we handled it as well as we could and made it clear that none of it was their fault and that we would always be a family, just couldn't live together anymore.

Initially it was a relief, but must admit I'm struggling now (I guess part of the grieving process). Not helped by how easily dh seems to be moving on with his life. When he first talked about separation many weeks ago I knew there was someone else in the shadows for him. He was honest and told me he was friends with someone and he thought it may develop in the future.

So part of me is fuming that despite him saying he's been unhappy for many years and in his words he "gave up" with the marriage a year ago he could only end it when he knew he had someone else on the sidelines.

I'm not an idiot and to be honest don't really want to beat myself up about what may or may not have happened between them but it's obvious that something will and I guess that's something I've got to get my head around. As far as anyone else is concerned (kids, family) we've told them there is no one else involved which does smart a bit for me as even if nothing happened between them when we were still together it's obvious that this is a factor.

But I guess that's his problem and he has to tell kids/family in due course about her and they can draw their own conclusion.

Just desperately trying to keep positive - in hindsight perhaps it would have been better if this had all happened when we were working/at school as finding it hard having so much spare time for the next few days. Grateful that we've got a dog as she's been fantastic company for me and her poor little legs must be tired as she's getting plenty of walks

Love and happy thoughts to all for the year to come xx

Thanks eve I know it may be difficult to move back, I’ll have to see in a few weeks if I think it’s a good idea. I’m welcome in the places I’m staying so it’s not like I have nowhere to go.

I have to remember that she is long gone and the person I think I love has changed, possibly a long time ago and that “loving” them is futile. You can’t always tell your heart what to feel.

Yes lonely. Sadly it takes a while for the heart to catch up. I would do anything to put my family right. But he isn't on the same page. And I don't want to be with a man who can't put his family above his own selfish wants.

But my heart hasn't registered that yet either. Xx

Eve, you're right about the new reality and it's the different stages , 2 steps forward, 1(or 2) steps back each time another is reached. You are also right that they drifted off long before we even knew, we are still playing catch up and change with our emotions. I tend to forget that and still wonder how and why it happened. It kills to overthink it. I've now had a couple of weeks at a time of feeling relatively normal. Then the new situation or conversation with the unfeeling person he has become drags you down.
Anyway the worms story made me smile I love, l let's hope the worms are big juicy ones !

Well my new found confidence was shorted lived.

Clearly my words yesterday struck a cord. And now he has come out fighting.

Apparently we need to talk money and I need to help him set up again. And if I don't cooperate it won't end well.

Lucky I'm at the solicitors Thursday. Clearly this is not going to be the amicable settlement he said it would be.

Bring it on!

Hi everyone... Sorry things are so up and down.
In a similar boat this week. Ex has been a twerp of the highest order...reminding me who he is, and, sadly, who he'll never be.

The never bit is hard. It's daft to think in extremes either way, but the heart definitely takes longer to catch up. Yes we behave and act in certain ways, we're re-programming ourselves a new course, a new way for so many fundamentals in our lives.

I guess I'm consoling myself with the fact that forwards is still forwards. It's about moving towards the good as opposed to away from the bad. Subtle difference in meaning but way more stoic and renewing..

Thanks for indulging my wittering! We're doing great and must remind ourselves that it's our recovery, our renewal, not theirs. Blooming difficult but necessary. We can never give up x

Hello everyone

Sorry so many of us are in a dip at the moment. Am sure it being so cold doesn’t help - I’m definitely ready for spring!

Thanks to everyone on here I didn’t end up saying anything to my ex about mystery woman/g/f. I got back from work late which is crazily busy and stressful atm and just wanted ex out the house. And also thought it wouldn’t make any difference anyway!

I’m also starting to wonder just how much/how reliable he will be re the kids. It is really making me think about what childcare I need as it is dawning on me that most of the burden will still fall to me. He still doesn’t take any real responsibility for the kids, is now coming back late on his nights ( so the nanny we have complains to me). I may be wrong but I think he quite likes this arrangement where he effectively just drops in for bath and bed and a Sunday with every other Saturday night.

I’m thinking of moving to him coming every other Friday and Saturday - but wondering how the kids will take that. My eldest is really struggling with his dad not being there at the moment which is so sad to see, but then the youngest struggles with me being away.

Hugs to everyone xxx

Hi All

I'm a bit behind with messages this week so haven't caught up on the latest posts but I hope we're all doing OK.

I tried to think of a word to sum up my week and the best I could come up with was "calm". There's been no real highs or lows as such, just a general feeling of coming to terms with things.

My youngest has gone to his dad's for the night, eldest has just gone out for the evening with his mates and I've just returned from taking the dog for a walk. I was thinking of my plans for the rest of the evening which mainly consist of catching up on some TV, watching the football and then doing a couple of bits and pieces in the house. Admittedly, not the most exciting plans but I then asked myself would I swap with how a Friday was before we separated and I came back with a very emphatic "No!".

Basically Friday before we split would consist of me working for a while (I work from home Friday's) - eldest would go out, youngest would probably be on Xbox most of the evening and then ex would come home from work, usually via the supermarket, and I remember how I would feel when I heard the clank of the bottles in his carrier bags (ie alcohol) and know what was in store for the rest of the evening.

He would usually drink every night, but probably moreso on a Friday due to not having to be up early next day.

Then basically the rest of the evening would be him consuming his alcohol, probably complaining at me because I was watching TV or football or listening to a radio station that annoyed him, he would then usually snap at me saying it didn't matter as he'd be going out the room anyway for the rest of the night.

He plays guitar so he would then disappear into the dining room where all his stuff was for the rest of the evening. Then, eventually he'd come out after consuming most of his alcohol and admittedly then I really didn't want to spend any time with him as he'd be even more irritable after a drink and he would usually end up saying at some point about how he felt he didn't have a relationship and how he found it strange that I would never complain about him going into another room rather than spend time with me.

And yes, if I'm being honest, I would rather him be in the other room as when he was in the same room as me all he did was complain and pick at me, so I used to say to myself why would I want to spend time with someone who did nothing but criticise ? Sometimes I would make an effort and try and have some time together but it always felt like I was treading on eggshells and that he never really enjoyed my company anyway.

So really, a quiet evening watching some TV and doing bits and pieces is just fine !! I do worry that I'll become so comfortable with this though that in a few years when the kids have flown the nest I may feel very lonely. But I know I can't think that far ahead as no-one knows whats around the corner and to be honest, if I can get through the last few months then I'm sure I'll be fine even if I end up living alone.

On a practical note, I am really finding things much easier than I thought. I was always amazed that despite both of us having good wages, we'd never seem to have any spare money and used to manage to spend a huge amount and I couldn't really put my finger on what.

Obviously now, I control things very tightly - have a spreadsheet where I log what I spend each day and then average each week/month on how much I've spent on food, petrol etc. and then have a monthly spreadsheet with everything that's due to go out, what money comes in so I can see at any point how things are looking throughout the month.

All of a sudden I now realise who was spending the majority of the money and it wasn't me ! I think with ex he obviously spent quite a bit on alcohol (I worked out it must have been nearing £300 per month) and then he'd usually buy snacks and expensive food at same time so ended up being about £500 at least on alcohol and snack foods for the month.

Then when he'd had a drink there would come the eBay and Amazon purchases which were often considerable ! He had hobbies and he liked to throw money at them a bit too much in my opinion - but if I pulled him up on it he would just say "We both earn good money, I'm entitled to spend - where does the rest of it go ?" and then annoyingly he would pick on the fact I used to give to charities each month (because of course it's easier to criticise someone else spending £10 a month rather than look at what he would spend on an average weekend!!)

But of course you all don't want to hear the boring practical stuff and my annoyances with my ex as we all have that to worry about, but I've just found it very satisfying that I am budgeting so well and for the last two months have even had some money left before pay day !

I am very fortunate that I got a bonus for a project I worked on last year so have been able to put some money aside for emergencies, and also pay for a tutor for my eldest for a couple of subjects leading up to his exams and that's felt like a huge weight has been lifted.

It's just a shame that we have the joint debt (we have a bit too much for my liking but we bought a new build house 6 years ago so spent quite a bit on extras and the long term plan was always to pay off the debt in 10 years and then only have the mortgage which would be cleared before we retired).

Selling the house would clear the joint debt so we could both effectively start again without owing anything - but would mean I wouldn't have a deposit to buy so would likely have to rent and go through the upheaval of moving etc.

I would love to keep this house and at the moment I'm paying all the mortgage and could afford it in the long run - it's just I don't think I would officially be able to take over the mortgage due to still having the joint debt - at the moment ex isn't giving me any pressure to put the house on the market as we agreed we didn't want to uproot the kids before eldest has his exams this summer. But I do know realistically there will come a time when the subject of selling will come up. I know he is finding things tight at the moment (he's not as practical as me so I suspect he is still spending how he did before) so I'm doing everything I can to reduce the amount he gives me each month, not because I want to do him a favour but just because it is in my interests to keep things how they are as long as possible.

So unless I win the lottery it looks likely we'll have to sell, but I'm trying not to think too far ahead and just plan to get through the next few months.

I hope everyone has a nice evening and weekend planned, whether it be doing exciting things or just being a couch potato ! We have all earned the right to treat ourselves !!

Hugs xx

Hi Moo - glad you’ve had a good/normal week! Re the looking ahead and worrying about being lonely, I think the other thing to remember is all that matter is how you feel! Many people enjoy spending quite a bit of time on their own - I know I never used to mind before kids. I’m in a similar position re the house, I swing between moments of real panic/dread and then just thinking no point in worrying. If I could continue in the house then I think I would feel pretty good - but I know I can’t!

I’m havinf a bit of a week - my work has been very intense and exhausting, was up throughout the night two nights with my littlest and now eldest has a temperature and is unwell and has already woken once. He will no doubt pass to little DS. I’m starting to feel like I will never get any sleep again and worrying as next week is going to be even more full on at work ( if that is possible!). I’m having to work past midnight and wondering how I will do this with I’ll kids.

Also annoyed with myself and DS went to school today. I’d wanted to keep him off as could just tell he was unwell, but his temp wasn’t too high and ex ( here for pick up) did his usual thing of making out I was some paranoid, annoying mother. Of course for a call from the school in the afternoon. Annoyed with myself that I deferred to ex, let his comments make me question myself. Guess habits are hard to break

Hi crumps

Sorry to hear about your little ones being ill.
It’s so hard when they are young as they catch everything going round - I remember being exhausted for practically three years continuallly !

But you will get through it (somehow!) and as they get older then the illnesses gradually reduce.

Don’t feel too bad about sending your DS to school, we’ve all been there before so don’t beat yourself up about it. But you know not to feel bad about trusting your instinct in the future - as they always say, mothers know best !

Hope your house is lurgy free again soon and you manage to keep up with work - do you have any flexibility re wfh ? I know even that is difficult though when you have little ones that are ill.

Take care xx

Thanks Moo I’m lucky in that we have a nanny who we have agreed we will try and keep until summer and in that I can at least log on and do the late night working at home in the evenings. My eldest was an awful sleeper for a very long time so I am used to sleep deprivation! Although I think it’s the memories of that that make me so adverse to it now .

I’m almost more annoyed that I listened to ex re DS and school - it’s a reminder that I still at some level believe his view of me ( and defer to it) if that makes sense?

Have to say I do also love the calm evenings on my own, particularly during the week when the kids are in bed.

My lodger moves in next week - which will be another change. She seems lovely but I’m not looking forwards to sharing the house. Still it allows me to keep my childcare for a while!

Moo. Sounds like you are in a good place. And the changes are all positive. Still an adjustment for you all. But a good place to be.

I love. Hope your ds is soon feeling better. The adjustment to not making decision jointly will soon come I am sure.

I have ex Mum and Dad visiting this weekend. It is lovely they are here but bittersweet. It is all a bit disjointed. And they are the kids will be spending time with him today and I'm left on my own.

It is all wrong. I want my old life back. But know this is my reality now. Moo like you he was unbearable at times to be around and I don't want that. I want the good man I know he can be. I then feel sad he is pulling out the good man for the ow. Then I think that I made him so miserable he behaved badly. And I am sad all over again that I wasnt good enough for him. I would of done anything to make it right and not be doing this.

I know it isn't going to change and it is just going to take time. I start counselling next week so hoping that brings me some closure.

I never wanted this. I don't see how he thinks this is ok. But then he was never able to put anyone else before his own selfish needs.

Hi eve

So sorry for the way you feel - I can relate as in the first few weeks after ex announced he wanted to separate I used to wake up each day trying to figure out how to change his mind and how I could make all of it go away.

Please don’t blame yourself though, one thing I’ve learned from all of this is that one person is not responsible for someone else’s behaviour. You are not at fault for this and it’s hard to accept that you can’t force things into being the way you want them to be (god knows I tried and was in denial for long enough). Relationships are hard and do take a lot of work but sometimes (in my opinion) it gets to a point where things will never be right again and there is no other choice but to separate.

I think the counsellor will help you accept the situation and move on. I am fortunate that I managed to get to that position quite quickly and realise that things weren’t right how they were and that both of us made mistakes but perhaps that was just a sign that we were no longer right together and that each of us wanted something from the other person that they couldn’t give us anymore.

I hope you turn a corner soon but you have done so well so don’t lose faith that you will get through this xx

I've had a really bad couple of days. Ex being so cruel. I've told him the potential of me moving away 200 miles with 6yo to be with my family. I have a job interview. He took it as expected I suppose. He's now saying he won't mediate so all going to court. He says he's going to stop me moving. Also he's saying no one apart from us can pick our son up from school. Usually He either does depending on shifts or his mum does as I work 10-6 as drop little one at school. This is just another reason to move. I'm not being selfish as he thinks but I have to think of my happiness too. I understand both ex and child would be upset but would adjust. It's not an easy decision to make. I have to sell the family home also and can't buy where I live. I can if I move back to my family. I need someone to tell me I'd be doing the right thing but no one can. It breaks my heart. I don't want to hurt anyone and want my 6yo to be happy. I've been in tears for 2 days. I can't go on feeling like this.

Amaz. You are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Could you get legal advice? Can he stop you moving. I can see more positives for going. You will have support. And your child will have more quality time with his dad in school holidays and long weekends. It is a very difficult decision.

I'm seeking legal advice on Wednesday.

Yes @eve34 I feel I am stuck. Head and heart say different things at times . I don't want to upset or hurt anyone and I truly believe his relationship with his dad is so important. But I didn't choose or want this. I didn't have the affair. And I feel like I'm the bad person.

I've been crying so much my eyes are so swollen.

Amaz. It must be the day for it. I haven't stopped crying today. So much has to change because he couldn't see how we could put us right. Guess when distracted by new women that isn't so easy.

@eve34 I'm
So sorry to hear your having a bad day too. Sending hugs 🤗
I long for the day to say I'm over him, I'm better off, I deserve better, thank god I didn't stay, it gets better etc etc and I know the little one and I will be ok and the little one is happy with how we all are xx

Hang in there eve you’re not alone. The last 3 paragraphs from your post this morning could be word for word what I’m going through and yes it’s shit. Hugs to you we’ll get therexx

Sorry so many are having a hard time today. I think, sadly, it will take a long time to truly get over this and in a way will always be with us. After all most of us were with our exes for years, and significant years, of our lives. It will inevitably take time to understand and let go. But gradually the good days should start to come and the bad days get less and less.

Hugs to everyone and be gentle with yourselves. Xxx

I also always find the weekends hardest. Particularly the evenings. My ex just called the kids from where he is at the coast - it was the kind of day we would have usually done as a family, but he is now there with his girlfriend. It looked beautiful and it does hurt, but hopefully tomorrow will seem brighter!

Here's to tomorrow @Ilovecrumpets. My little one is back today but a text his dad this morning to ask what time and I have heard nothing. His way of control

Amaz my ex does exactly that too ( actually even when we were together). You are right it is a way of asserting control

So sorry that so many of you are struggling - hang in there.

This is by far the hardest thing I’ve had to go through in my life and my situation has been (relatively) amicable in the grand scheme of things. Yet it still hurts like hell at times so my heart goes out to those in difficult situations and who have to make some big decisions in the coming weeks.

Hugs x

Hi Moo, hope you are having a peaceful night.

It’s - not funny but you know what I mean - I just never realised quite how awful separating/getting divorced is and how it touches all your life, which seems so obvious now! I feel quite bad that I didn’t support more the few people I have known who have been through it.

It also makes me laugh that there was all that stuff about making divorce harder hence the 2 year wait now. I honestly don’t think any people would undertake it lightly!

I’m settled in with a box set now and the kids are hopefully asleep, I do enjoy that sense of peace in the evenings now. I look back and remember the constant underlying tension/ disappointment my ex was choosing to be in another room. I don’t miss that

Hey crumps

Yes it is truly horrific - a lot of people have likened it to grieving and I know exactly what they mean. It’s not a loss of a person in terms of their life but it’s the loss of the relationship and everything that goes with that.

But I guess like grieving for someone who has died, it takes time and there will be good and bad days.

Like you though I don’t miss the tension on an evening. Yes evenings are calm now, even boring sometimes but that is preferable to the constant feeling of failure - like I must be doing something wrong because ex would continually complain at me - and what was wrong with me because I couldn’t seem to keep him happy. Then it’s the self-doubt and trying to change for someone when I know deep down that I shouldn’t have to do that for someone who should genuinely love me as I am.

Looking at the weather forecast next week with a sense of excitement at the amount of snow it looks like we’re going to get ! I long for the nice weather and light nights but there is something quite cosy about getting “snowed in”. I am fortunate though that I can work from home if need be so I don’t need to stress about driving.

Hope you’re having a good evening - If you don’t mind me asking what box set are you watching ? I’ve never really been one for watching a lot of TV series but I’ve started to a bit more now that I have time on my hands. I watched “Big little lies” recently and loved it !

Xx