Feeling sad....but will get there!

[Moocow72]

Hi All

Well dc's now know about the separation - it was as awful as I thought it would be and there were tears from all four of us but I think we handled it as well as we could and made it clear that none of it was their fault and that we would always be a family, just couldn't live together anymore.

Initially it was a relief, but must admit I'm struggling now (I guess part of the grieving process). Not helped by how easily dh seems to be moving on with his life. When he first talked about separation many weeks ago I knew there was someone else in the shadows for him. He was honest and told me he was friends with someone and he thought it may develop in the future.

So part of me is fuming that despite him saying he's been unhappy for many years and in his words he "gave up" with the marriage a year ago he could only end it when he knew he had someone else on the sidelines.

I'm not an idiot and to be honest don't really want to beat myself up about what may or may not have happened between them but it's obvious that something will and I guess that's something I've got to get my head around. As far as anyone else is concerned (kids, family) we've told them there is no one else involved which does smart a bit for me as even if nothing happened between them when we were still together it's obvious that this is a factor.

But I guess that's his problem and he has to tell kids/family in due course about her and they can draw their own conclusion.

Just desperately trying to keep positive - in hindsight perhaps it would have been better if this had all happened when we were working/at school as finding it hard having so much spare time for the next few days. Grateful that we've got a dog as she's been fantastic company for me and her poor little legs must be tired as she's getting plenty of walks

Love and happy thoughts to all for the year to come xx

I love. They still want to have some sort of power over us. So we know our place. And we are suppose to feel we need them in some capacity.

Yes think your right eve.

I’m at my friends and we are throwing a party tonight - so having a lovely day. Good reminder of what I used to do before kids, that I had a happy life then and was fine being by myself and that is is just about finding a new way to be now.

Plus the sun is out and it feels like a peek of spring with all its associations of new beginning which always lifts me.

Hope everyone is having a lovely day and has some sunshine too xxx

So I think my ex took my kids to lunch with his new girlfriend today! When they phoned my eldest was telling me all about how they went for pizza with x - a woman’s name who I’ve never heard of. Either that or my ex wants me to think he has as he won’t have liked me saying it isn’t a good idea to introduce new partners so soon and asking him to let me know before he did. Just another example of how he always just does want he wants I guess. I was angry at first but now think - what’s the point, I can’t change anything or control what he does.

I did manage to still go on to have a great time at the party though - which a few weeks ago I wouldn’t have been able to.

I love. Glad you enjoyed the party.

I felt strongly about the kids not meeting the new girlfriend. But I'm a bit more meh about it now.
Kids don't make it easy to be romantic and will hopefully ask awkward questions. Also the new girlfriend will get to see his brilliant parenting. So will bring their relationship on leaps and bounds.
I'm looking forward to them sharing their valuable days off with the kids. Hopefully not all roses like they expect it to be.

You are doing really well getting your life back on track. Small changes.

Having rubbish day today. Super Dad has the kids. And was meant to bring them back at 4. But it keeps changing. Now going to be 6. I wish he would just disappear. Can't believe I have to have contact with him for the rest of my life. Hate him so much.

Hi eve sorry you are having a crap day too. I feel a bit like that today as well - although it’s best for the DC for me I wish I never had to see or speak to him again. Got back and the DC keep going on about their day with x ( woman’s name). I did send ex a text last night saying ‘ could he let me know who x is’ which I sort of regret. He didn’t respond. So now I’m left with the kids going on about this woman who I’ve no idea if she is his new gf or not. Part of me thinks she probably isn’t and he wants me to ask about it so then he can make me look paranoid and jealous. I just think it is unnecessarily unkind of him - again I would never behave like that. It’s bad enough he has left and has someone else but then why try and play games like this? Or even tbh why is he hanging out with either a friend or his g/f during his time with the kids?

I’m finding it really hard not to text him - I know it wouldn’t achieve anything other than give him satisfaction. It’s a horrible feeling though

@Ilovecrumpets don't text him as I think it will give him satisfaction. Your still wondering. , it affects you etc. Vent on here! There's a women does it matter either way who she is? How was she introduced to the kids? Are they ok?
My ex has OW and introduced to 6yo as gf! I thought he shouldn't say but he did. He's been with her a month but it's a different one to who he had the affair with! I think it's been going on longer and again he's just lying! 6yo ok with it but didn't fully understand. I hate when 6yo talking about her, all having fun, how she's nice etc. Of course i want that but not so soon and I secretly wanted him to hate her and be unhappy about his dad saying. I dont mean this horribly at all!

Amaz thanks and yes you are right!

I think the thing that annoys me is that all the professional advice is not to introduce the new g/f etc. for a long time, and that it should be handled carefully. That’s what I would have done! Also it’s just so unnecessarily unkind to me - why not just tell me, at least show me that decency and respect. My eldest also then mentioned x was the person him and daddy had met up with at bonfire night.

You are right though it doesn’t make any difference now as it’s happened. And I don’t really know why I’m surprised either. It’s like I never learn to truly see him as he is.

Thanks for listening to the rant . I won’t text. Will just have to let it go.

Oh yes and I’d come back and he’d done my washing. Got it out my laundry basket. He did at least mention it so had some awareness it wasn’t appropriate, I said thank you but Id rather he didn’t to do that again and please just leave my things. Which again I hate as it makes me sound so prickly and like he is getting to me.

Ivyholly, i was married to my x husband for 22 years and he had an affair that I found out about and started to divorce him but he kept blocking it by refusing to accept it was over. In the end I ended up divorcing him and then sorting out finances after divorce as he refused to discuss them before. At times I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown he made me so frustrated and it was awful telling the children because he kept denying he had had an affair despite a friend seeing him with ow and me then searching and finding receipts etc. and telling children I was breaking his heart and would not give him a second chance. I was so very angry he made it so tough for children. Eventually I found someone else and remarried but it did leave me with a few trust issues for a while. Don't let them grind you down, if they try to play games pass on any correspondence to your solicitor to deal with.

Hi crumps

Sorry to hear about your ex introducing dc’s to possibly his new gf - I would be livid as i can’t see what the rush would be. It seems unnecessarily cruel to you and there’s no need for it - he should at least have given you a heads up.

To be honest though it does sound like your ex really loves trying to control you. Even the washing - I mean yes it’s a kind gesture but not at all appropriate in the circumstances - so was he doing it out of guilt or is it just another way of him showing he has control ?

I guess it will be easier once he has his own place as I guess him coming over to stay at yours when he has dc’s is not ideal really. Is he likely to get his own place soon ? I guess until he does you are stuck with him encroaching in your space (and your smalls).

But hang in there and resist texting as like you say (and we both know from experience) that you won’t get the sort of response that you want or deserve.

He’s twisting the knife in my opinion, so the best thing to do (if you can) is bite your lip and try not to acknowledge it. Difficult I know as if dc’s are mentioning her then it makes it extra hard.

Hugs xx

Thanks Moo your comment about the smalls made me smile .

I do suspect it is about control - he has always done things like this but then made me feel like I was a bit crazy to think that. I am angry as you say because it is unnecessary. I honestly really wonder if it is because he knew I was throwing this party with my friend.

Sadly doubt he will get his own place until September - even then not sure he will be able to afford a two bed. I think I just need to work on setting my own boundaries and not letting him get to me. Easier said than done .

Hope you are doing ok too and had a good weekend.

I love. It doesn't sit right that he did your washing and I agree with others that he Is controlling. Is there any alternative to him being in your house?

I think it is very accommodating of you. My ex hasn't anywhere to take the kids and I would not be at all comfortable with him here. He has them for the day at the weekend. But I hope it is resolved for you.

Ex and I have come to a stand off. He came this morning and was making small talk. I was answering but not excepting his offers of help etc. So he left saying he clearly wasn't welcome.

He has text about the time changing at drop off so replied ok. And fine. He said lovely exchange.

And just dropped the kids off so now we are both just polite. Which I am pleased about I don't want to be pretending we are friends

But know it will get thrown in my face about the affect this will have on the children. I don't want them to feel awkward. But I don't actually want to have to talk to him at all if I had a choice.

@eve34 I get what you mean about small talk. That is all I want. Why does he feel now he wants a full blown conversation about everything? How I am, what he's doing etc etc. I don't care. I will be civil because of 6yo but that's it. He always says you know I'm here if you want to talk. Why would I. I don't need him, I'm not his concern now, he chose that not me.
They are a different planet!

eve I think the ‘being friends’ is a way of them pretending to themselves that what they have done isn’t really that awful/serious and everything can work out ok. Presumably to stop any tiny bit of guilt they may have - or perhaps even that is too generous and it’s just because they want an easy life. He has no right to expect anything of you though and to be frank should be grateful you are being civil!

Re my ex I am mainly letting him come here for my eldest DS. Also because I think it helps me stay in the house longer and I just can’t cope with making the decision re where to move and then selling at this point. Although I do understand that there will come a point where I want to push things forward.

@Ilovecrumpets I think you've hit the nail on the head as they say about the ex trying to act like what they've done isn't so bad and acting normal. You are soooooo right!!!!

So I haven’t texted him but I really want to say when he is next at the house that’s could he just Give me the heads up if the kids are going to be spending time with someone I haven’t met. I shouldn’t though right? I guess it isn’t any of my business. It just feels when I am working so hard to be reasonable and amicable he should give me the heads up when they are spending the whole weekend with someone I have no idea who she is? Just out of politeness.

Separately I was up for hours with my little one as turns out he has worms . Is it very wrong of me to secretly hope the ex has it and passes it on to the new g/f

Hi crumps

It’s a tricky one - as a mother I would say you are well within your rights to have some info on other adults that your kids may be spending time with when they’re with ex. But on the other hand, like you say you don’t want it to look as if you are asking for info for you.

Maybe you could message him something along the lines of “I don’t have any interest in who you spend time with but when you have the children could you please give me a heads up if theyre going to be spending time with anyone else ?”

Like I say it’s a tricky one.

Had to laugh out loud on the worms comment, if he does get it then that will be a small dose of karma for him !!

Hugs xx

Worms spreads like wild fire. I would be most happy with that result.

My thoughts are what would you be happy to share about any new person in your life with ex. When the time comes. Although as it is your home it is a very different situation. And I would feel very strongly that other 'friends' should not be in the house.

A difficult situation for you. I do feel for you.

Well ex turned up at the house today for some stuff and it ended in a bit of a show down. Not sure how I feel about things but I fucking hate all of this. At least I got to clear the air. My parting words were I am not your sweetheart or your friend. You are the father of my children and nothing more.

Rather proud of that.

Hope everyone is having a good Monday.

Hi eve

Fair play to you - that’s a quality line and it will have really struck a nerve with him. The fact that you see him as nothing more than dc’s father and told him so means that the power and control he felt he previously had has just disappeared.

It reminded me of my brother in law when he split with his wife (he found incriminating evidence on her phone) and he said she was stood at the door after a showdown and he just shouted something along the lines of “You’re my son’s mother which is a shame and I can do nothing about that but that’s all you are”

eve sometimes it is cathartic to get it off your chest! I also feel like saying that to my ex - that sadly for both of us we we have to interact because of the DC, but he we are co-parents not friends.

moo thanks - I think I will wait until he is next here and just say that I think it would be good if We agree that we will give the other a heads up if someone we don’t know will be spending time with the kids, particularly at this early stage. Then just leave it. I genuinely would let him know if someone he had never heard of was spending time with the kids and certainly if it was a new boyfriend!

I’m crossing fingers for the worms . I’ve told him and that he needs to get treated but whether he does is another matter ( actually he sent me back a message asking if I was sure he had worms as he had seen fine with him the last few days. Could he be more patronising)

By he I mean the youngest not the ex!

So glad this threads here. I thought I was finally going mad. I have been doing ok , 6 months in but these last few weeks have been awful, I feel right on the edge of a nervous breakdown or something all the time. It helps to see what everyone else is going through . I've written about being stronger and it's true but it's hard isn't it? I wouldn't have believed he could become even more distant that he has. I hate that we are talking like we don't know each other and that he patronises me and trieto give me help and advice even though he is the one with the OW. He doesn't get it , I think , like all of them they somehow want to present to the world that it's not that bad and we're friends. Well we are not and he can f**k right off. Sorry really needed to get that off my chest x

Hi winter sorry you’re having a rough time the last few weeks. It must be frustrating to feel like you’re getting somewhere only to sink right back down. Guess I have this to look forward to as it’s only been a month for me. This site and the threads in this section have been a godsend for me too, just to get things off my chest.

I had a bad one yesterday probably not helped by it being the most miserable grey foggy day. I had a meet with xp and ds on Sunday and I although I felt fairly positive straight after, yesterday I just felt shit all day. Seems this might become a pattern, it’s almost like withdrawal.

I’ve been between parents and brothers house for 3 weeks whilst the dust settles and it’s doing my head in. We have agreed that I will go back to our house in a week or two as I can’t be a nomad forever. It’s on the market at the mo. It may be months until she and ds move out and I’m not sure if I can handle being there knowing they’re leaving.

I sent her an email telling her I still love her this morning. Stupid of me after how she’s treated me but hey ho. She was so distant when I saw her Sunday, almost like a complete stranger. Hugs to all x

Lonely. Stay strong. In time it will get easier. Is there nowhere you can stay. Or rent a room a know it is limbo for you but being back home is going to be very difficult for all of you. I hope you can find an alternative.

I find wiring e mails and notes but not sending them helps a great deal. I am embrassed by some of them now. But helps to get it off your chest.

Winter. You are doing well. I am sure it is just a blip. I guess it is one of those days when you know he this is your new reality. And it isn't going back.

The men we loved have long gone. They drifted away from us before we knew anything about it. I don't like the man I see now. He is cold and heartless. And not the man I use to know. That sometimes helps.