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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Feeling sad....but will get there!

999 replies

Moocow72 · 31/12/2017 09:18

Hi All

Well dc's now know about the separation - it was as awful as I thought it would be and there were tears from all four of us but I think we handled it as well as we could and made it clear that none of it was their fault and that we would always be a family, just couldn't live together anymore.

Initially it was a relief, but must admit I'm struggling now (I guess part of the grieving process). Not helped by how easily dh seems to be moving on with his life. When he first talked about separation many weeks ago I knew there was someone else in the shadows for him. He was honest and told me he was friends with someone and he thought it may develop in the future.

So part of me is fuming that despite him saying he's been unhappy for many years and in his words he "gave up" with the marriage a year ago he could only end it when he knew he had someone else on the sidelines.

I'm not an idiot and to be honest don't really want to beat myself up about what may or may not have happened between them but it's obvious that something will and I guess that's something I've got to get my head around. As far as anyone else is concerned (kids, family) we've told them there is no one else involved which does smart a bit for me as even if nothing happened between them when we were still together it's obvious that this is a factor.

But I guess that's his problem and he has to tell kids/family in due course about her and they can draw their own conclusion.

Just desperately trying to keep positive - in hindsight perhaps it would have been better if this had all happened when we were working/at school as finding it hard having so much spare time for the next few days. Grateful that we've got a dog as she's been fantastic company for me and her poor little legs must be tired as she's getting plenty of walks SmileSmile

Love and happy thoughts to all for the year to come xx

OP posts:
eve34 · 15/02/2018 21:04

Evening all. I love and amaz. I can only see positives to moving. And biggest one being further away from them. But that aside I do understand you want your children to have good relationship with their dad. So can see the dilemma.

I'm a bit down. As days go by I know we won't be getting back together. I also know that this pain will pass. And we will adjust to a new routine.

Still think it sucks. And that he is being the ultimate selfish arse. But then why do I want that so badly in my life?

I read somewhere on here I'm not grieving for that man. I am grieving for the man I loved when we met. And he was long gone.

I hope everyone is doing ok.

Amaz24 · 15/02/2018 21:14

I feel exactly the same @Ilovecrumpets and the dilemma is the same.
My ex deleted all numbers related to my family and friends so as he says 'can start a new life'. I don't see how I can do that now where I live. His mum helps a lot with child care so I will always be directly involved. Does that stop me moving on?

Ilovecrumpets · 15/02/2018 21:20

eve I do agree I also am sad for the relationship we once had and what I thought we would have. But, as you say, that went a long time ago and could it could never be got back now. Also for the person they were. It does hurt though - particularly when it feels like you lose so much else as well, for me my home, time with my DCs that I now am not with every day, friends that have to divide localities and being poorer. It can all feel very unfair.

I do hope and believe though that in the end we will be happier than being with the person our exes had become.

Amaz yes it seems so unfair that we end up trapped by something that wasn’t our choice. And I genuinely don’t know if that would be best for the kids.

Ilovecrumpets · 15/02/2018 21:22

I saw a counsellor today who actually said to me that if I move my kids away from their dad I’d need to be prepared for them blaming me and then choosing to live with him instead when they are older.

Can’t work out if this was someone effectively telling me the truth or if I need to look for another counsellor ( it was my first session as I’m having trouble finding someone decent!)

Amaz24 · 15/02/2018 21:33

OMG I couldn't live if that's what the kids did. I don't think I'd want a counsellor to say that to me! I have new thinking about seeing one? How old are your kids @Ilovecrumpets ? Wonder if that makes a difference? That is a scary thought!!!!!

Ilovecrumpets · 15/02/2018 21:42

Don’t let it put you off seeing a counsellor Amaz or moving! I was a bit surprised myself, having seen counsellors before.

My kids are only 3 and 6 - I’m assuming she meant when they are older. She also said particularly because they are boys ?!?

Ilovecrumpets · 15/02/2018 21:43

A good counsellor can be a brilliant help - so I really don’t want to put you off with my experience today.

Amaz24 · 15/02/2018 21:59

I know. My job we can deal with counsellors for patients so I know what a help a good counsellor can be.
My boy is 6. How's yours @Ilovecrumpets been handling it? Mine has surprisingly well. Even with his dad having a gf. Do t think he fully understands as some of the questions he asks tho. Just sometimes he says he misses daddy but then next breath he's on about something else. He sees his dad quite a lot in the week as he picks up from school if not working and weekends he doesn't work. Don't know how 6yo would be if I moved him????

Amaz24 · 15/02/2018 22:00

Through work I've been offered counselling just haven't had the courage to accept it yet. I think it would help.

Ilovecrumpets · 15/02/2018 22:04

Both of mine have handled it better than I thought they would - although my 6 year old ( well nearly 6) often gets angry and upset the nights his dad is coming - not specifically about what has happened but think that must be underneath it. My youngest is getting better but gets upset that I’m not there as much, which I find very hard.

We are still at such an early stage though and they are still in their home, so I think that helps. I don’t know what it will be like when we have to sell the house - which is why I’m hoping that won’t be for a while.

I also can see how important it is to them to see their dad - whatever I think of him! So I also worry about what it would mean to them to take them further away so they see him a lot less. It’s hard isn’t it

Amaz24 · 15/02/2018 22:32

It is so hard! But we also have to be happy I think.
I have to sell the house as ex wants his share! I've told little one we have to sell. He was ok but when it happens who knows! We will pick up all the pieces tho.

Ilovecrumpets · 16/02/2018 06:17

Moo

Only just saw your reply for some reason! You are definitely right re the being civil only. I also don’t really want to know about the OW. In a way my main concern is really how having someone else affects how he acts re the house etc. It does hurt though how quickly he moved on.

Ilovecrumpets · 16/02/2018 07:24

PS I just wanted to add a big thank you again to everyone on this thread. I truly think it has made a massive difference to me getting through these last few months. It means I never really feel alone and is the only place I feel I can really be honest about my feelings.

So thank you to all you lovely strong, kind people! Reading this thread really does make me think it is our exes losses and it may take time but we will all be happy again.

Amaz24 · 16/02/2018 11:48

Yes I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't found this thread!

We are here, just ask, Moan etc xx

Amaz24 · 16/02/2018 12:36

Why do I keep thinking about what I thought we had, what I wanted etc and making myself sad. I'm tearful today!

Sosog00d · 16/02/2018 15:38

Amaz I think that's completely normal. Accept you're currently feeling low and that it WILL pass.

It's so important to me to be understood, to have my hurt acknowledged. To not have to analyse, explain or justify my views or decisions.
My parents have a lot to answer for (only in theory, in practice I've moved past that thinking)

Time I celebrated me, my good heart, my quick mind, my generosity, my wit, my lovely green eyes, my innate empathy, my femininity.

So what if he couldn't see past his own inadequacies? That doesn't need to be my problem anymore... Stupid twat

GrinGrinGrin

Amaz24 · 16/02/2018 16:03

I agree @Sosog00d .
He rang and spoke to little one. He says to me I can still talk to him as after all we were best friends also for 15 years!!! How dare he! A best friend would never have treated me like he did never mind husband have an affair!!!!
Why would he think i would want to? I'm not his concern anymore! Makes me so angry. He seems to think I should Be over what he did. As he says how long can he be punished for! Errrr FOREVER. I hate him for what he did and will never forgive him! I only speak to him for little one. He doesn't seem to understand the pain it causes me talking to him. That's cause he's moved on I think.

Ilovecrumpets · 16/02/2018 18:14

Yes it is because they left the marriage a while ago so are farfurther along the road than we are.

I came back to the house after my ex had the kids all day to pick up my bag as decide dto stay away 2 nights. He informed me he had cleaned my electric tooothbrush and charged it for me and commented how dirty it was?!? I resisted the urge to tell him to leave my stuff alone and just smiled and said thanks. Seriously though wtf?

Ilovecrumpets · 16/02/2018 18:16

Btw I read a tip in the breaking upwards book that whenever you start to think about ex and the OW to visualise the work STOP or a red traffic light then change your thoughts to something else positive. Just doing that starts to re wire your thought process. I’ve found it quite effective to stop me dwelling etc.

Sosog00d · 16/02/2018 18:50

I love. ewwww!!!

I remember ex being upstairs in our home long after he left...I COULD NOT believe his brass neck.

I felt very uncomfortable with him outside my room. To me, he should have shouted up or asked to come up.

I guess it's undoing all the routines and habits...takes time

Original poster
Moocow72 · 16/02/2018 21:02

Hi all - hope you’re having a good evening.

Crumpets - that toothbrush thing made me laugh out loud initially then think “wtf?” - it’s like he knows he doesn’t have any control anymore so is picking something he can do. Very bizarre! But at least you have a clean toothbrush ! Smile

You also reminded me I have that book that I need to start to read - been binge watching on my iPad lately in bed then falling asleep so need to replace it with that book as I’m sure it will help me.

Hugs to all xxx

OP posts:
Amaz24 · 16/02/2018 21:16

It feels like the toothbrush is still them having a say, being involved, trying to have some control still???

eve34 · 16/02/2018 22:50

Amaz you have repeated the words I keep using. He keeps asking how I am. And I say not good. And he then says I'm here for you I want to help.

And I used your exact words my well being is no longer your concern.
He wants us to be friends. Sorry but no. A friend. Or a person you tells me they love me. Would never of treated me the way he has. They would of done anything to put us right.
And I will also never forgive him. But on a positive note I have been given an opportunity to hopefully show the children how relationships should work. And not being bullied or tip toe around a person etc.

Ilovecrumpets · 16/02/2018 23:57

Moo the book is very quick to read

I think you are both right that it was something about control over me and the house maybe - hence the put down about it being dirty as well. Although given he has someone else why would he care?

Ilovecrumpets · 16/02/2018 23:58

I don’t mean care as in care about me but care about whether he has control.

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