In law threats

[Imafreeelf]

Hi everyone,

I've nc and new shiny thread to help me get through this divorce.

For those that didn't see my last one (it's been removed for my protection) I'm at the start of a divorce because my 'd'h couldn't stand up to his bullying and threatening parents.

Please let me know that you have found me!

I'm sorry for what you're going through, it must be awful.

Re: "He said it was lots of little things like hardly any hobbies in common. It was like that from day 1!
He said it was too much effort to be happy with me."

IF what he said was true and things like shared hobbies were so important he wouldn't have proposed to you or even got married. basically, sounds like he is either lying to himself, or perhaps truly believes it as he can't face the real truth.

It must be awful living with him but you really need to try not to engage at all. It will stop you from moving. I'd also rescind the offer of him having Christmas with you. If you really have to cook for him, let him eat in his room.

Sorry to hear you're feeling low, I hope you find some happiness today, maybe a nice warm bath or a takeaway?

I'm worried about you OP, he seems to almost be relishing telling you all these little details, over and over dragging it out and painting himself as fantastic. He absolutely is an arse, and if he cared about you at all I'm sorry to say he wouldn't enjoy twisting the knife so much.

I really do not think it's healthy to keep muddling along in his shadow, you really really need to knock it on the head as soon as you can. You can't coexist with him, I know you said you didn't do Christmas at your Mums for the mentioned reasons but I would give it a serious think. Maybe it's time to reclaim Christmas at mums? I know you said you wanted one last Christmas at your house, but perhaps it would be nicer to remember it as a place where Christmas was good, rather than ending it on a sad note.

Elf, please stop hurting yourself. You know exactly why he has agreed to a divorce - it's not because he's fallen out of love with you. He would have been perfectly happy to stay married to you if only you had put up with his parents' shit and shut up about it.

You committed the one unforgivable sin: you questioned his parents. That's unbearable for him, because it forces him to reconsider his position, and he just won't do that (too uncomfortable).

As I said in a previous post, I don't think he's actually capable of real adult love, but, to the extent he is capable, I do think he loved you (as long as you didn't contradict his parents' will). All this crap about "not sharing hobbies" is just a story he has concocted to justify himself to others, and to himself.

He's just a pathetic coward who is unable to stand up for the woman he loves and prefers to allow his emotional life to be dictated by his mother.

So don't ask him for any insights, because he won't give you any. It's all stories to keep up the façade at all costs. And he's not really excited about moving out - if he was, do you think he'd expect the owners to wait until February? Just another excuse to justify his non-action.

Again - and please forgive me if I repeat myself - you need to cut your ties to him. Emotional, financial, and physical. You're too much in his company for your own good. Don't have any conversation with him beyond what's required for mere politeness. This man is not your friend.

Was your previous username a colour? Trying to be vague!

Either way you’re doing amazingly to unmesh yourself from this family of narcissistic arseholes

Don't feel 'stupid'. You had a moment of weakness, that's all. Most of us have done that in similar situations. Just remind yourself, if you're tempted again, that you've already poured your heart out and he basically stomped on it.

Many of us have what I call 'just the right words' syndrome. We keep wanting to talk and rehash and question. We think if we say 'just the right words' that the person we're talking to will suddenly say 'OMG, of course! How could I be so stupid not to SEE.....' and they will magically change and all will be fine. And so we're tempted to talk and talk and talk because eventually those 'just the right words' will come tumbling out, like one of Harry Potter's magic spells. That isn't going to happen.

So it's best to clench your teeth and bite your tongue. Not always easy, but in the long run you'll be happy you did. Remember that when this is all over you want to be able to say you kept your dignity. You didn't do anything to give him an ego boost. So pinch yourself or put a rubber band on your wrist and snap it when you want to 'talk'. Get up and leave the room. Or the house.

You'll get through this. I'd also give serious consideration to going to your mum's for Xmas Day (but I don't know how far she lives from you). I really think you need to consider whether or not your determination to have Xmas at home is really an attempt to 'prove' to him 'what he's giving up' (he doesn't care) or an exercise in self torture (spending the day thinking 'this is the last time I ever XYZ in this house').

I'm sorry if I sound a bit harsh. I don't want to hurt your feelings or make you feel bad and I hope I didn't do so.

Thank you to all of you. You've all been so kind when I've been so pathetic!

I'm not offended by anything that has been said. It all makes total sense. I need to face up to the fact that he's gone. It's just so damn hard.
My username was a colour previously!

He's told his extended family today and has once again come home beaming. I know he wants me to ask what they said but I'm not riding to that bait.
Mum's in the loo crying again. I just want to run away!!!!

Rising not riding!

You sound perky op. We're all behind you!

Oof, Elf, so sorry.

Re: your STBXH. Ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore. He's trying to lure you in. Use this as fuel for your anger. Who does he think he is? Conceited little Mummy's boy.

Re: your Mum. Sorry she's being emotional. I do need to ask: why are you the only one caring for her? Where is your sister? It really doesn't seem fair that you have to carry this burden on your own while going through a divorce.

Oh and Elf: YOU ARE NOT REMOTELY PATHETIC. You are brave and strong and kind and inteligent. So stop calling yourself names.

I'm doing better than yesterday ginger but not quite perky yet!

Thank you distance, once again your posts have made me feel better! My sister is as useful as a chocolate teapot. She's always wrapped up in her own world. You'd think she was the only woman to have a 3 year old sometimes!

My anger is bubbling again and I wish it would stay. It makes all this a bit easier. I'm hating him tonight. I can feel his smugness from the other side of the room, I bet he's feeling all powerful after my episode last night. His phone keeps tinging so I bet he's getting loads of messages of support from his family and friend now. That's making me feel shit and adding to his smugness

I hope he told them.. YOU are Divorcing HIM...

No he would have told them he is divorcing me because he doesn't love me anymore

well you can feel Smug in the knowledge that he has LIED to them... doesn't matter what he says... you know the truth... You are serving Him with papers.. not the other way around.. and should the opportunity ever arise.. tell them that wee fact

He's told them that he's divorced you because he doesn't love you anymore. And his parents and extended family will have said oh poor you she was always a difficult one wasn't she and so on.

They are all scum.

You said the other day that a friend of yours had said that she couldn't imagine your STBXH ever offending anyone. You took this as praise. I thought it's a terrible thing to say. There are some people whom it is right, and normal, and proper to offend in the right circumstances - like your parents in law and your STBXH.

There are offended by your wanting to be an independent person who deserved love and respect. They want you to be a doormat with no self-esteem or self-respect. You have refused to be one, so now you are evil.

My father has evil - truly evil - sisters. He used to feel terrible because he didn't want them to think badly of him. I told them that there is always some people who SHOULD think badly of you - that he should worry if his sisters didn't think badly of him, because that would mean that he was conforming to their twisted standards. He saw the point, eventually.

You are still the frog getting out of the boiling water - it's completely normal that you feel unsteady and things sometimes feel surreal. Just remember that there's nothing wrong with you - what was wrong was where you used to be.

well said DistanceCall

Also, I firmly believe that wickedness - or cowardice, or narcissism, or whatever form of mistreating others - is its own punishment. People who mistreat others are not happy, and can never be.

Your STBXH may be feeling smug and pleased with himself right now. That's not happiness. That's transitory, and he will soon wake up to the reality that he has lost the only woman who has genuinely cared for him and now he is left alone with Mummy and Daddy forever.

He's deluding himself that this is what he wanted all along, but it's a completely lie - to the world, and, most pathetically, to himself.

What he's told them doesn't mean shit. YOU know the truth.

As far as feeling hatred.....the emotion you need to be striving for is indifference. Indifference is the best revenge. It says "I don't care what you do/say and you have no power to hurt me". Hatred is built on pain. And that give that person power over you. Indifference is built on an inner calm and knowledge that what you are gaining is so much more than what you are losing. When you are indifferent, the power is all yours.

So indifference. Not hatred. Takes practice. Saying to yourself every time "I don't care, nothing XX does/says matters to me". Every. Single. Time. Fake it til you make it.

who started the divorce proceedings? you or him?

Every day you stay there is a day away from you starting to move forward. I know it is scary, but you need to leave, and soon.

Christmas in your house will be the next one. This is not your house, as it was, any more. If you feel like this now, Christmas will be a million times worse. And, you are both delaying the inevitable separation. He is the only person gaining from that. You are still cooking for him apart from anything else.

If he is ever, ever to start facing reality about his family (which is unlikely I'm afraid) it will only be with consequences. Alone in the house, no one to talk to, no dinners cooked or washing done, no nice cars to borrow and the prospect of Christmas alone.

But, and this is the crucial thing, you will be better off away from him. Because you will have taken control of your own situation as much as you can. Much of your misery atm is to do with you feeling powerless.

It will be difficult, at your DM's, without your DD. But still better than where you are. Why not do it. When he is at work, pack up, take your stuff, take the decorations if you want. And go. And don't tell him until you have down it! Make this a new start, both you and your DM.

I completely agree with MsPavlichenko.

You are all giving me the strength to go on. I can't thank you enough.

He was going on about how much carpets cost for his new bachelor pad right after mum and I were discussing our next Vegas trip! He's trying to drag me down all the time. I actually didn't let him for once though! I feel that's a baby step in the right direction. He buggered off upstairs to weight lift after he realised he hadn't got to me.

I totally hear what you're all saying about xmas. I'm not staying for him, it's all for me! I know being around him is hurting me but I know I will cope worse being in 'strange' surroundings at the moment. I really don't manage change well at all so I need to take it slowly for my anxiety. Besides my tree is stuffed with presents (wish I could post a pic!) it's obscene and would require an entire removal lorry just for them! I'm moving out the day after Boxing Day so I'm not hanging around any longer than that. He knows that and I think he can't wait actually!

He is able to pigeon hole his feelings so well - I think a pp said because he's been trained by his witch of a mother to do that- that he won't bother about lonely evenings etc. He will just get in the zone of his iPad or activity and that will be that. I will very quickly be a distant memory. He probably won't allow himself to think about me.

He chose divorce but I'm the one that's physically done it bluebell, why?

It is so comforting to read your replies and advice, please stay with me through this. People in rl are already getting tired of it. I don't blame them but I need to keep talking about it. It's my coping mechanism.

and for all you lovely people

We're all here and will stay here for you, Elf, don't worry about that.

Of course, you know best whether staying on for Xmas is best for you. Just remember that you don't have to do anything you don't feel like doing. You don't have to talk to your STBXH, or do anything special for him, or pretend to be friends. I get it that he's bought half the food, but you don't have to make dinner anything special. I think possibly making it as informal as possible would help (and that way it won't set your Mum off if she gets sentimental about it).

He was going on about how much carpets cost for his new bachelor pad right after mum and I were discussing our next Vegas trip! He's trying to drag me down all the time. I actually didn't let him for once though! I feel that's a baby step in the right direction. He buggered off upstairs to weight lift after he realised he hadn't got to me.

What a fucking asshole! You responded superbly. Indifference, that's the ticket!!! Once he realizes he can't get a rise out of you, he'll stop trying.

Of course, you know best whether staying on for Xmas is best for you. Just remember that you don't have to do anything you don't feel like doing. You don't have to talk to your STBXH, or do anything special for him, or pretend to be friends. I get it that he's bought half the food, but you don't have to make dinner anything special. I think possibly making it as informal as possible would help (and that way it won't set your Mum off if she gets sentimental about it).

This.