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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

In law threats

305 replies

Imafreeelf · 28/11/2017 13:00

Hi everyone,

I've nc and new shiny thread to help me get through this divorce.

For those that didn't see my last one (it's been removed for my protection) I'm at the start of a divorce because my 'd'h couldn't stand up to his bullying and threatening parents.

Please let me know that you have found me!

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 14/12/2017 13:15

Don't tell him about Vegas - he might try to sabotage it, consciously or unconsciously.

You're doing so so well, Elf! I understand feeling like a child when you go back to your Mum's, but you can also make it fun - remembering your childhood, doing things you enjoy with your Mum, basking in domesticity.

This is the beginning of a much, much better life for you. Really.

DistanceCall · 14/12/2017 13:17

Oh and I hate nice and everything it implies. Kind is the thing, and it's fantastic.

Your STBXH should be kind, not nice. He isn't. I don't think he understands what it means.

gingergenius · 14/12/2017 21:33

Think of going to your mum's as doing a 'phoenix'

Imafreeelf · 14/12/2017 22:22

That is very true distance! He hasn't been kind tonight. He asked me if I was still following him on Facebook. I said yes why? He said he didn't want to put anything on that would upset me.

He hasn't been active on there for yonks. I said stupidly - why, are you going to put a new woman on there?! He said no but he might get a new car one day!!! I just went back to my laptop and tried to ignore him.

Then he says to me about 5 mins ago - did I upset you earlier? I said no, you were just wierd. He agreed. What the hell is he playing at?!!

I'm trying so hard not to let my feelings show but he is not making it easy! Why is he doing this to me?! I'm not initiating any conversation with him unless it's absolutely necessary. Why is he trying to torment me with his future plans?!!

I'm so sick of it. Can't wait to move out and be rid of this mind game playing prick

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 14/12/2017 22:37

stop following him on Facebook... he could just have easily have blocked you.. so you block him.. get rid... don't play his 'Chase Me Chase Me' dance...

the when he actually notices... tell him.. you have your own privacy to protect... Xmas Grin

DistanceCall · 14/12/2017 23:32

Oh for God's sake. It's pathetic how he's desperately trying to attract your attention and show you how much more fun he is having than you. Just ignore him. Really, my seven-year-old nephew is more emotionally mature than him. You're doing just fine.

And I agree. Stop following him on Facebook or wherever.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/12/2017 01:32

He's getting his ego stroked when he sees that he's upset you. You've started to pull away and he's feeling the lack of 'strokes'. So now he has to actively seek them from you and the only way he can is to engage you directly.

He knew damn well that you were still following him on FB! If he was truly curious, the first thing he would have done would have been to check his FB himself. No, it was his way of being able to say 'oh, I don't want to put anything on there that will upset you' in hopes that you'd become emotional or start asking him questions. Even the fact that he had to come back later and try to get his ego stroke by asking 'did I upset you earlier?". He was hoping and praying it would lead to a 'scene' in which he would be able to feed his ego on your emotional upset. But you didn't let him. Good for you!

ohfourfoxache · 15/12/2017 02:17

He’s a manipulative fucker, isn’t he?

I really think that, the next time you know he’ll be in the house in the evening, you get glammed up and go out. You don’t even have to go anywhere special - see a film, have a coffee - but it will piss him right off.

Imafreeelf · 15/12/2017 09:43

He really is a manipulative fucker!

He doesn't even post on fb so it never crossed my mind to unfollow him, stupid arse.

He didn't like it when I got glammed up to meet that friendship group that time so perhaps it is time to do something like that again!
I'm so glad I'm seeing him for who he really is now, wish I'd seen it years ago but better late than never I guess.

I know he'll be expecting me to ask about his bachelor pad tonight, ha - I don't think so! I might just be busy tonight now Grin

OP posts:
gingergenius · 15/12/2017 09:46

Exactly what @AcrossthePond55 said. Totally nailed it.

You're nod feeding his ego so he's doing anything he can to tap you for an emotional response.
Wanker. You're doing well OP. I know it's hard but don't open any emotional veins for him. He just want to suck you dry.

DistanceCall · 16/12/2017 10:19

How're you doing, Elf?

Imafreeelf · 16/12/2017 10:53

Well all he did yesterday was pick up the application form for his flat. He made it sound like he was signing up there and then.

Today he's just asked me for a black pen whilst literally thrusting the form under my nose! I was too busy on mum's tinder app to bother! Ha! He is being a prize arse.

He's also changed his pics on fb so obviously considering becoming more active on social media. Erm why?! I've unfollowed, don't want him to be able to upset me even more.

I can't believe how low he is stooping to get to me. Why won't he leave me alone?!

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 16/12/2017 12:43

Because he's getting frightened by what he's allowed to happen. He sounds like the kind of person who gets reassurance from others feeling crap to feel good himself. He wants to think that you're going to be the one missing out with this divorce, that you're being so stupid letting go of such a catch.

And then you behave normally (i.e. not crying or begging for him to come back or rending your clothes as he would like you to). It's driving him bonkers (as I predicted it would Grin).

ohfourfoxache · 16/12/2017 13:57

Completely agree with Distance - this is new territory for you both, and because he knows deep down that he’s not the one in control he’s panicking. And he’s panicking even more because you’re not reacting emotionally.

BUT that doesn’t make his blatant abuse and nastiness acceptable.

Keep doing what you’re doing. He’s a prat Thanks

AcrossthePond55 · 16/12/2017 15:46

He can't leave you alone because he's been getting something out of what he's doing. Originally, it was ego strokes because you reacted to him. Now that you've determined to grit your teeth and ignore, he's redoubling his efforts in an attempt to break you. Not 'break you' to destroy you, but 'break you' to get what he needs, despite the pain it may cause you. So you see, he's just as narcissistic as his mother! It's all about him and what he needs. Heck, he probably doesn't even consciously realize he's doing it, not that that's any excuse.

I was hoping he was going to 'ramp it down', but on second thought this is probably going to continue until you leave and it may actually get worse as he realizes you really are serious. This is why it's very important to make your exit as soon as you possibly can. Or at the very least, try to arrange your life so that you spend the least amount possible at home.

For now, try to stop thinking 'when will he stop' and start thinking 'only X more days' when he pulls his shit. It's rather like any difficult or painful task. You can't focus on the pain, you have to focus on the 'end result'.

One other thing, try to focus the purpose of your actions on yourself. You are doing them for you. You shouldn't be doing them to 'show him' or 'sauce for the goose, etc'. So if you're going out, don't get gussied up and go out to 'show him what it feels like' or to prove anything to him. Do it because you want to expand your horizons. If you ignore him, do it because it's healthy for your recovery to mentally separate from his actions, not to show him you don't care. It's a subtle thing, but it's important.

DistanceCall · 16/12/2017 16:44

I agree with AcrossthePond. He won't stop. The only thing I think might work would be for you to say, very seriously, something like "Please stop telling me about your life. It's none of my business now, and I'm not interested. Do whatever you like and leave me alone".

He'll give you the hurt puppy face, but perhaps that'll make him draw back for a while.

Gemini69 · 16/12/2017 17:11

he's a KID that's slowly losing his unconditionally approving audience..... Xmas Grin

AcrossthePond55 · 16/12/2017 20:38

"Please stop telling me about your life. It's none of my business now, and I'm not interested. Do whatever you like and leave me alone".

That's perfect, Distance!

DistanceCall · 19/12/2017 11:46

How's it going, Elf?

Imafreeelf · 19/12/2017 17:55

Counting down the days until I move out! Was at a friends 18th family dinner last night and he was questioning mum while I was gone. Am I ok? Is there anything he can do to help? Usual crap.

Really don't know why he gives a shit but his fakeness (don't think thats a word!) is making me feel sick!

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 19/12/2017 18:03

1- Nicely ask Mum to NOT tell you things he says. And tell her to tell him "I'm not answering your questions nor am I telling Elf anything you say to me. So you may as well shut your pie hole."

I'll bet you're counting the days! Hey, maybe you could make yourself a 'Freedom Calendar'. Repurpose or make an Advent-style Calendar with a countdown and a choc behind every door!

DistanceCall · 19/12/2017 18:10

Oh for fuck's sake. He's trying to score a double whammy there, playing nicey-nice to your mother, and finding out stuff about you now that you aren't giving him any information.

In addition to asking your mother not to answer, I would tell him directly: "My Mum told me that you'd been asking about me. I'm fine. I don't need your help. So please stop asking".

And I agree, an Advent/Freedom calendar (with treats, of course) would be a great idea!

DistanceCall · 19/12/2017 18:14

And yes, nicely ask your Mum to stop relaying what he says. She means well, but it doesn't help either her or you.

gingergenius · 19/12/2017 18:38

Another vote for the freedom calendar. Preferably placed in a VERY visible location so he knows EXACTLY how keen you are to move on. He feels guilty. Tough shit. So he should.

Gemini69 · 19/12/2017 22:08

he's a pure Creep Xmas Hmm

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