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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

In law threats

305 replies

Imafreeelf · 28/11/2017 13:00

Hi everyone,

I've nc and new shiny thread to help me get through this divorce.

For those that didn't see my last one (it's been removed for my protection) I'm at the start of a divorce because my 'd'h couldn't stand up to his bullying and threatening parents.

Please let me know that you have found me!

OP posts:
Original poster
Imafreeelf · 29/11/2017 20:00

Good for you hashi! I'm not rave enough to go it alone. I'd be left with nothing! TBH I think he would love that. I haven't felt cherished in our marriage at all but hearing and seeing his attitude to money now, he can't give a flying monkeys about me.

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Original poster
Imafreeelf · 29/11/2017 20:01

Brave! Stupid phone!

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DistanceCall · 29/11/2017 20:53

I'm afraid he's probably going to get nasty, Elf. That's why you need to leave (if your solicitor doesn't have any objections to that) and conduct ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING through your lawyer. Don't talk to him in person or via email, don't answer his messages. This is a legal process, and the professionals can deal with it.

I can't believe you had relationship problems because you have recurring cystitis - he obviously didn't care that you were in pain, all the matter was/is his own satisfaction. He's a wipearse of the first water.

nicenewdusters · 29/11/2017 22:26

I agree with Distance. You have to physically and emotionally detach. He wants to paint you as the bad guy ? Fine. Give it to him with both barrels. Be hard and unemotional, and wrong foot him at every opportunity. Think of it as untangling yourself from a business deal that's gone wrong. Think money, property etc. Not emotions. And never consider his feelings - I'm afraid he won't be considering yours.

You'll have time later on to look back and reflect.

Original poster
Imafreeelf · 29/11/2017 23:30

He has apologised for his behaviour earlier which is good. I'm aware it doesn't make up for everything that has happened but it has made my living situation a bit more bearable thank goodness.

Thank you for being there when I needed you. It was horrendous earlier, I was frightened. He's breaking the news to his parents next Saturday which I'm also terrified about. He's said he isn't giving them details and won't tolerate any involvement from them but I said to him, forgive me but I find that hard to believe! He understood my apprehension!
What could they do to me? I need to be prepared!

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DistanceCall · 30/11/2017 09:08

Don't try to anticipate your PILs. Just block them everywhere: on your phone, your email, everywhere. Tell your family, in case they try to contact them, so that they are ready.

Will you be still living in your current home by then?

Original poster
Imafreeelf · 30/11/2017 09:36

My family wouldn't contact them, they hate them and don't trust themselves not to say something they might regret!

Yes I'll still be in my home. I'm moving out after Boxing Day. It's probably a bit ridiculous but I want one last xmas in my home.

It's the anniversary of my dads death on Tuesday and we haven't had xmas in my childhood home (mum's) since then. It's painful staying here but even more painful having xmas there just me and mum.

My sister and her family are with her in laws on xmas day.

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DistanceCall · 30/11/2017 09:48

It's not your family contacting them that worries me. It's them trying to get in touch with your relatives to tell them what a bitch you are. They probably won't do that, but they're bonkers, so I think you should warn your family just in case.

I think you mentioned that your STBXILs would be abroad - or somewhere distant - for Christmas? Is your STBXH going with them?

If not - because I think he's capable of staying and hanging around, god knows whatever for - I would book a table at a nice Chinese / Indian restaurant and have Xmas dinner / lunch with your Mum there. Without your ex, of course.

Original poster
Imafreeelf · 30/11/2017 10:16

I don't think in laws would dare phone my family! My mum is a feisty woman! (Not violent!) there is only her and my sister. My brother in law wouldn't stand for in laws approaching them.

In laws are going Scotland for xmas so stbxh is staying here. He offered to go out but I said as long as he is nice he can stay. I'm probably too nice! He doesn't want to go with his dps, he said he'd rather be alone.

That makes no sense to me when he's divorcing me to keep them sweet. Any ideas?!

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DistanceCall · 30/11/2017 11:45

His parents are unbearable, Elf. No wonder he doesn't want to stay with them. BUT - he is too much of a coward to confront them and defend you too. It's a bit like the minions of evil witches in Disney films (I was thinking of Maleficent in Sleeping Beauty - of course her minions know she is evil and dangerous, but they daren't go against her).

In any case, his mental processes are no longer any of your concern, so don't go there.

I also think he is trying to edge his way into spending Xmas with your mother and you. Even though you are divorcing, I think he probably still thinks that you can be "nice" to him and pretend nothing's happening. He's incredibly infantile.

Again: plan something with your mother and your mother alone. Don't include him in your Xmas plans. Don't give him any presents, Don't pity him. He's counting on that.

ferrier · 30/11/2017 11:54

Despite his tantrums he's still hoping you change your mind.
Agree with pp he is reacting in a childlike way. Be strong. He will probably shoot himself in the foot anyway but if he doesn't, hold firm against niceness.

Original poster
Imafreeelf · 30/11/2017 18:24

He said last night that he still wants to be friends. He said he understands if I don't but it was like he was holding his breath.
I don't think I can be friends with him, at least to start with as I need a clean break from all the hurt.
I'm not sure you can be friends with an ex, especially not when he has chosen his twisted evil family over me.

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HashiAsLarry · 30/11/2017 18:51

You can't be friends with him, at least not at the moment, because he's not been particularly friendly to you. Friends have your back, he doesn't.

ptumbi · 30/11/2017 18:58

Hi Elf - glad you've have some Legal advice.

I'm quite surprised you can claim Spousal Maint tho. No kids, no ties, no reason why you can#t support yourself in future...?? But if the sol reckons you can, go for it.

And everyone goes for Unreasonable Behaviour - it's the least expensive option. If he wants to try for anything else, he'll need proof.

Anyway, as I said before, make sure you have your back to the wall - MIL will find a way to stab you, through him, otherwise. She won't like the financial arrangements (any finanical arrangements)

DistanceCall · 30/11/2017 19:30

He's trying to have his cake and eat it.

He refuses to defend you against his abusive parents, but wants to "remain friends" with you. He doesn't want to face anything that he finds remotely unpleasant, and has been trying to force you into compliance with his idea of an "easy life" throughout your relationship.

(Oh, and he wants you and your mother to include him in your Christmas plans. Don't.)

Original poster
Imafreeelf · 30/11/2017 21:14

Solicitor said as we've had a long relationship, everything financial has to be equal - capital, income and pension. I don't have the same earning capacity as him. I've looked after him and the home as well as worked. My migraine prevents me from having a full time job too so that's a factor too.
He doesn't have to pay monthly, it can be offset in capital. A financial clean break is best.
I didn't cause this so I don't deserve to be left to financially drown while he swans off to his rich, easy bachelor lifestyle.

I still can't believe this is happening. Waves of panic, fear and sickness keep coming over me. It's uncontrollable and I don't know what to do to help myself.

Going to mum's to clear my new bedroom tomorrow and I'm dreading it. The lump in my throat is back Sad

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DistanceCall · 30/11/2017 21:18

Your feelings are all completely normal, Elf. You've gone through so much. Are you talking to a counsellor or a therapist?

Original poster
Imafreeelf · 30/11/2017 21:35

Yes, I see my counsellor on Sundays. They don't really advise on what to do though. She is lovely and I'm glad I have her to talk to.

14 years of memories, it's all hard to swallow

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bluebell34567 · 30/11/2017 21:40

has he become better behaving after he learnt that he has to pay you maintenance?

bluebell34567 · 30/11/2017 21:41

you have to be careful when he is nice Grin
why is he nice? Grin

AcrossthePond55 · 30/11/2017 21:56

Wondered where you'd gone!

It's time to start to disengage. My advice at this point is to stop talking to him about anything other than the weather. Don't discuss the divorce, don't discuss his past behaviour. It's not going to change anything and certainly won't change him! You don't need to defend yourself and you certainly don't need to hear his litany of your 'shortcomings'. Fuck him and the horse he rode in on!!

As far as his parents threatening you, if it's simply that they will bad mouth you to all and sundry, remember that the people who know you will realize it's bullshit, and the ones who don't know you don't matter.

If you feel they would do you real harm, then speak to your solicitor.

bluebell34567 · 30/11/2017 21:59

I just found her here as well AcrossthePond55 Grin

Original poster
Imafreeelf · 30/11/2017 22:14

Sorry! I did put a message at the end of the last thread but perhaps the thread was removed before you saw it.

He has been a bit nicer since finding out about money. I think he was worried I would take everything, shows how much he knows me. I'm not a bitch!

He asked what I was doing tomorrow. I shouldn't have said anything but I told him I was clearing out my room. He didn't look bothered. I feel so alone

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Traffig · 30/11/2017 22:31

Hello you! Flowers

DistanceCall · 30/11/2017 22:32

I'm glad you have someone to talk to in real life. Being listened to really helps.

Do you have any local friends or relatives you can spend time with? Any hobbies or interests? I know it's really, really hard right now, but making the effort to become involved in things that have nothing to do with your divorce really helps. Even if it's just going out or having coffee with someone or watching a film.