Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Flip

1 2 ··· 8 9 10 11 12 13

Original poster

In law threats

305 replies

Imafreeelf · 28/11/2017 13:00

Hi everyone,

I've nc and new shiny thread to help me get through this divorce.

For those that didn't see my last one (it's been removed for my protection) I'm at the start of a divorce because my 'd'h couldn't stand up to his bullying and threatening parents.

Please let me know that you have found me!

OP posts:

bluebell34567 · 11/12/2017 08:21

if you done it physically then you are divorcing him. there is no point him saying he is divorcing you.

Original poster

Imafreeelf · 11/12/2017 21:51

Thank you everyone.

Feeling angry again today. Struggled with migraines and toothache today so hasn't put me in a good mood. Even the sight of him is making me angry! I can see his mum in his face now too which is making me worse!

I'm trying to aim for that indifference but I'm raging inside. I don't know how to calm it. I'm trying not to let him see it but I'm a bit of an open book and not good at hiding/ lying. When he speaks to me, it's quite harsh or maybe cold is a better word, than he used to be. I'm finding that painful.

Eurgh I just feel a complete mess! Sorry, rant over

OP posts:

DistanceCall · 11/12/2017 22:15

Indifference is the ultimate goal, but for the time being allow yourself to get angry - you need to get rid of all that pent-up rage before you are able to truly feel nothing for him. If he sees your anger - good. He should see it. You're completely justified in feeling it. Time for him to realise that what he has done (and failed to do) has consequences.

He's turning nastier as he realises that what he says or does no longer has much of an impact on you, and he's punishing you, because he sees that as you betraying him (when the one who has betrayed you for years and years is him).

Try to get to a dentist tomorrow - toothache is awful (and your migraine is probably connected to it, or at least is not helped by it).

Gemini69 · 11/12/2017 22:46

get an elastic band around your wrist.. and every time you feel anything remotely like sympathy for this man... TWANG IT

Original poster

Imafreeelf · 12/12/2017 19:09

My toothache is a stress thing. It started 2 years ago when mil was really vamping up the bullying. I had 2 root canal fillings for nothing! It flares up whenever I feel stressed now.

Estate agent took photos today and I've had to cancel a holiday we had booked for June. Not been a nice day. Is one nice day too much to ask for?!

He's waltzed in wearing his best jeans and a shirt. His dress code at work has changed to casual now but he looks like he's made effort. Hmm who for I wonder?! Maybe that's why he's full of the joys of spring lately. I've got no evidence and he said there was no one else but he'd hardly admit it would he!

OP posts:

RandomMess · 12/12/2017 19:33

Tried everything and alas nothing worked, even worse as peri menopause has kicked in

RandomMess · 12/12/2017 19:33

Oops posted on wrong thread!!!

MsPavlichenko · 12/12/2017 20:06

Sorry it's not been a good day. Sadly you won't have many nice ones atm! I know you don't do change easily. But you are having this forced upon you. If you were to take some control of the situation, and not see him every day I do think you would feel better (not good necessarily!)

I expect that (quite understandably) you are hoping that even at this late stage he will come to his senses, and that being there together might increase the chances of that happening. In fact the reverse is more likely the case. You actually being gone might shock him. He is acting as if he doesn't care. And perhaps he doesn't. But he is almost certainly putting on some sort of act. The reality of you going hasn't hit him. If he was so keen to go he'd have gone somewhere/anywhere to get away.

Do keep thinking about your options.

DistanceCall · 12/12/2017 21:05

It's good that the estate agent came over - things are moving.

Your STBXH is desperate for you to take notice of what he's doing. Don't give it any thought. I bet that if you started getting a bit more dolled up in the morning he would go ballistic (give it a try if you feel like it).

Any woman who starts a relationship with him will, sooner rather than later, come up against his Mummy. I don't envy them.

Original poster

Imafreeelf · 12/12/2017 21:21

He definitely seems to want to get to me. He's just announced he's got Friday off work to play golf with his best mate. He also said he's going to apply for that flat - even though our house isn't even on the bloody market yet!!!
I didn't say anything but I'm seething inside! Indifference is a hard emotion to feel but I wish it would come quickly.

Perhaps I should parade around in my glad rags to piss him off! Don't think he would notice me though so I'd probably be worse off.

OP posts:

gingergenius · 12/12/2017 22:02

@Imafreeelf am I right in thinking that your stbx is the man who said he'd rather be divorced than confront his mother about her abusive behaviour towards you? Sorry to ask, just making sure I'm not confusing different posters/threads.

So sorry you're going through all this op x

RandomMess · 12/12/2017 22:12

He would absolutely notice, he is completely faking his attitude he is focusing on getting out there and shagging around!!

AcrossthePond55 · 12/12/2017 22:12

Just hang in there. Soon it will be out of sight, out of mind and you won't have to watch him strut about trying to get to you.

Don't react. Don't act back at him. That only feeds him. You're right in that indifference is hard and takes time, but you can act indifferent even if you aren't feeling it. And acting wins half the battle. At this point it's about him thinking that you are indifferent in hopes that he'll ramp down his theatrics. So just practice a small smirk and shrug of the shoulders for the next time he parades around in front of you or makes a comment. Add a subtle eyeroll if you want. Soon you won't have to deal with him anymore. That's when the real healing will begin.

Original poster

Imafreeelf · 12/12/2017 22:25

Yes ginger that's my lovely stbxh!

I'm trying so hard not to react but this seems to make him try harder! After not reacting to the golf day and flat appointment, he then announces he's going upstairs to weight lift again! He's never done it more than once in a blue moon, now it's nearly everyday. I don't want to care and I tried my best not to show that I give a shit. I do want to shout at him 'so fucking what!!!'

When will he get bored of this?! I never thought he would be so cruel. I'm glad I'm getting rid of him now but it still hurts. It doesn't make sense, why does my body punish me! Bloody move on woman!!

OP posts:

DistanceCall · 12/12/2017 22:35

He will get bored, Elf. Every single time you fail to react, he is disappointed and moves closer to stopping it. Every time you react, you reward him, and encourage him to do it again.

Do you have any books or DVDs you want to catch up with? I would just immerse myself in them, and barely look up when he says something.

Original poster

Imafreeelf · 12/12/2017 22:38

I'm watching Stella at the moment. Never saw it on to but it's quite good. I don't look at him when he talks. I can't without scowling! I hate the sight of him and sound for that matter!

That rage isn't settling is it?!

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 12/12/2017 22:39

You'll begin to move on more rapidly when he's not so 'in your face' trying to get a rise out of you.

He's punishing you and 'proving' to himself that he's the one who's ending the relationship. The only way he knows how to do this is to 'rub your nose in it'. Dickish behaviour of the first degree.

Smirk, shrug, eyeroll. Keep repeating.

DistanceCall · 12/12/2017 22:41

Keep watching Stella, Elf! Binge watching box sets (or Netflix, or whatever) is a great idea in situations like these, which are going to end soon, but you have to put up with it for a while.

Rage now is good! (And no, it's not going to last forever, don't worry )

gingergenius · 13/12/2017 09:03

Yep. He's posturing to show you what you're missing. And to show himself how awesome and fun he is, 'look at me and my fun fulfilling life I am having without you' kind of thing / mainly because deep down he knows he's been a shit and it's a way of diverting his attention away from his guilt.

Original poster

Imafreeelf · 13/12/2017 22:52

Hi everyone! Feeling a bit more positive today - have booked Las Vegas trip for Easter! It's nice to have something good to look forward to. Mum is excited too and it has motivated her to push through her physio, bless her!

Haven't told stbxh as for some reason I don't want to! I thought I'd want to run his nose in it the way he has with me but apparently not. I guess I'm not as heartless as him.

Saw my counsellor today too. She's going to help me express my anger in a healthy way to save my jaw! Toothache still pretty bad - only in the evenings though which is interesting.

I'm so lucky to have such great support in rl and on here, thank you 😊

OP posts:

Original poster

Imafreeelf · 13/12/2017 22:52

Rub - stupid phone!!

OP posts:

ohfourfoxache · 13/12/2017 23:09

Don’t say a word to him about Vegas - he can strut around all he wants, but you can have the smugness of keeping news of such a fabulous holiday from him.

You’re doing so well

bluebell34567 · 14/12/2017 08:02

say about Vegas when he asks like a normal thing .

Gemini69 · 14/12/2017 09:35

Well done Lady.. you're planning without him.. you're thinking independently of him now.. this is definitely progress ... if he moves into a Flat.. could you consider staying in the house... x

Original poster

Imafreeelf · 14/12/2017 10:28

Thank you! I hope it lasts!

I won't be able to stay in the house because he's taking most of the furniture. He's giving me money for them but I don't want it all because of the memories. I think it would be too painful to stay here alone as well.

Off to mum's I'll be going, I feel like a child again! Never mind, it could be worse I could be homeless.

Think he might come home in a strop tomorrow when he learns they won't promise to hold the flat for him until Feb! He lives in a bloody fantasy land where he is the centre of the universe and all must obey - because he's 'nice '!!!

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 ··· 8 9 10 11 12 13