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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

In law threats

305 replies

Imafreeelf · 28/11/2017 13:00

Hi everyone,

I've nc and new shiny thread to help me get through this divorce.

For those that didn't see my last one (it's been removed for my protection) I'm at the start of a divorce because my 'd'h couldn't stand up to his bullying and threatening parents.

Please let me know that you have found me!

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Original poster
Imafreeelf · 07/12/2017 20:58

Oh I see! No, me and mum eat together and he has his later when he gets home. It's in front of the telly so very low key. I am cooking for him but he's paying my bills so wings and roundabouts. I can't afford to pay half of bills on this house so I feel I have to contribute something.

Thank you, that has made me feel better. I am a worrier and will always imagine the worst! My mind gets so carried away with scenarios, I should probably write books (if only I had the writing skills!)

I don't know why I can't cope with people thinking badly of me. I'm probably never going to see this friend again so why do I care so much? My gut still lurches at these thoughts so I do care - way too much!

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Original poster
Imafreeelf · 07/12/2017 20:59

Swings

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bluebell34567 · 07/12/2017 21:01

would it be difficult for you to stay friends even you divorce. you don't need to make enemy of him. that would be the bigger picture maybe.

DistanceCall · 07/12/2017 21:08

People know what you're like, Elf (even if superficially). I very much doubt that your STBXH is painting you as a she-devil, but even if he was, people would take it with a pinch of salt.

And I'm sure that many people won't be surprised at all by the divorce - because, even though they may like him, they also think that STBXH is a bit of a milksop. These things do come across.

Gemini69 · 07/12/2017 21:17

AAhhh there you are Lady... Hmm I wondered where you'd gone...

okay.. let's recap.. he's still a DICK Grin

I believe for your own sanity and peace of mind.. you must stop trying to read his mind.. stop trying to work out what he's thinking.. because the reality is.. stop analysing him..... whatever he's thinking changes nothing... You are Leaving Him.. he has no control over any of your decisions feelings or emotions anymore ... You have taken control back... he is a weak shallow smug spineless pathetic coward of a man... who only reacted when he realised this will cost him way more than he originally anticipated.... THAT is who he really is Lady.... He is not lying to you when he shows you his true self...

Yip.. he's still a Dick Flowers

AcrossthePond55 · 07/12/2017 21:58

As far as what others think remember 'them that mind don't matter, and them that matter don't mind'. In other words, those who care about you will know the truth because they know you. Those who listen to his lies don't know you very well or care about you very much. And right now you don't need them in your life anyway.

As far as Xmas, you have to do what feels 'right' to you. But you do need to keep in mind that, as far as what he does and says on the day, it means nothing. So you'll have to steel yourself for not trying to second guess his thoughts or give headspace to what he may or may not be thinking during dinner, gifts, whatever else you do on Xmas Day.

But why isn't he going to his parents for Xmas? I don't get it. That's what this whole shitstorm was about. His parents wanting 'more of him'.

Original poster
Imafreeelf · 07/12/2017 22:46

Bluebell - despite everything that has happened I don't hate him but staying friends would be a step too far for me. Friends don't hurt you and dump you when times get tough. He wants to be friends (or so he says) but in the near future that is impossible for me.

Distance - I truly hope people will see that. He is so charming though. One of our mutual friends once said that she couldn't imagine him ever doing anything to offend anyone! Ha! He is very convincing and this friend isn't an idiot, she's a smart level headed woman.

Gemini - I'm glad you've found me! Your post made me laugh! Yep, he's still behaving badly. Yep, I'm still trying to work him out. It's like a bloody addiction- I just can't stop!

Across - thank you, that's a good saying! He just said he didn't want to go to Scotland with his parents. He said he'd rather be alone than go with them. I think it's just because then it would be so obvious that mummy comes first. He has to keep up appearances after all.

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hamptonhangingpork · 07/12/2017 23:26

I've lurked on both of your threads. I'm glad you didn't back down in the face of his games.

I second the others who are urging you to consider moving out and dealing with him through your solicitors.

Once the financials start getting hammered out, I would be concerned about your stbxfil turning up to frighten or attack you. He wanted to "destroy" you in the first place, didn't he?

Original poster
Imafreeelf · 08/12/2017 09:57

Thanks Hampton. I will be out before finances are sorted. Solicitor is so slow, she hasn't even drafted my petition yet!

I had a horrible dream last night. Stbxh was with another woman. I was distraught in the dream and now feeling awful in rl. It's his birthday today too. This is horrible.

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hamptonhangingpork · 08/12/2017 10:23

You'll get through this Ima. That bad feeling will come in waves but you're strong and will see it out.

And your subconscious is totally right, there is an OW. It just happens to be your stbxmil.

Original poster
Imafreeelf · 08/12/2017 18:40

I wish my subconscious would shut up. This is painful enough without throwing hideous dreams at me too!

Feeling low today. I'm dreading the weekend. Nothing planned except counsellor on Sunday and house valuations tomorrow morning. It's all a bit shit.

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hamptonhangingpork · 09/12/2017 12:13

A slice of cake in a Costa and a good book might take your mind of things for a few hours.

Someone mentioned cross stitching too before. It's great to keep the fingers busy while binge watching Netflix. You can pick up sewing kits cheap.

Either that or Google geocaching. That is fun too if you're looking to get out and about.

Original poster
Imafreeelf · 09/12/2017 16:19

Thanks Hampton. I'm making a divorce book at the moment with quotes and activities to help me cope.

House valuations went well today so that's a bit of a relief. Stbxh went to view a flat today. He thinks because he's nice they are going to wait for him until Feb!!! I don't know what planet he's on but it's not earth.

Can't help but feel that he can't wait to be rid of me. I thought going to see it would give him a wake up call but nope, he's still excited. I'm heartbroken and he's excited. It's all so great

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Slaylormoon · 09/12/2017 16:56

Hiya OP, lurked on both your threads and just wanted to chime in and say I'm so glad to hear you're still keeping your head above water.

I know it seems almost impossible currently to imagine an existence where you feel better, especially when he's being such a cold hearted twat about everything, but the bubble will burst one day. I highly doubt ANY woman would be enough for their precious son, so as much as he's enjoying nodding along to mummy and daddy trashing the disobedient wife at the moment he's going to live the rest of his existence clinging to his mum's skirts while she fends off any potential relationship he enters with a broom.

And where will you be in all of this? Well, I don't know, but you won't be involved in that sad little pantomime, and I promise you it will be so so so sweet.

Flowers
Original poster
Imafreeelf · 09/12/2017 17:14

Thank you slay, I'm glad you have posted. This is a very lonely time and to hear from people makes me feel comforted.

I hope you're right in everything you say. I'm still struggling to cope with the fact that the man I married has gone. I don't know who this man is anymore. I really hope things improve soon, I can't take much more of this Sad

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Slaylormoon · 09/12/2017 17:27

I'll keep you company! (:

Perhaps separating the version of him you married from the sheep you have before you now can help you process it a little better eventually? I imagine when you married him things were a lot more hopeful, but if you can recognise that he's not at all what you signed up for, you're on the right track.

Eventually, this stranger who doesn't have your best interests at heart will lose his hold on you. It's not him you're grieving for really, it's the lost time and life you had together, the house and the promises and the potential that you saw in him. He is not that person, perhaps he never was. When the time is right though, you absolutely will be able to have all of that and more with someone actually worthy of you! And you can look back on this thread and think,

Wow. I am so strong and so brave.

Imagine if the estate agent had told you your beautiful home was worth 20% less than you knew it should be. Would you have accepted that? 50% less? Of course not! So neither should this big idiot be able to convince you to accept any offer for yourself less than 100% of what you deserve.

Original poster
Imafreeelf · 09/12/2017 17:34

Thank you so much slay Flowers

That is a good analogy with the house. Part of me feels stupid too for putting up with his family's bullying for so long just for him to choose them eventually. You are right that I'm grieving for the time I've lost as well. I'm 32 so my biological clock is ticking loudly too.

I hope I do find someone else nice but I think I will have trust issues for a while. The thought of the rest of my life alone fills me with fear. I'm no oil painting so it's not going to be easy!

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Original poster
Imafreeelf · 09/12/2017 17:36

He's just asked my mum fashion advice. He would normally ask me but I was blanked Sad it hurts

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Slaylormoon · 09/12/2017 17:49

Oil paintings are nice, but not everyone's cup of tea. You could be a literal brick and someone somewhere would still think you were born to be in a gallery! Halo

You put up with it because when you took your vows you meant them. You obviously love him, because you were willing to drag yourself over the coals for him, and that just hits home that you are a kind, decent person. Nobody can take that away from you, not ever.

Be unapologetic about who you want to be now. This is YOUR fresh start, to do with what you will. I know there seems like so much road ahead till the destination, but every day is another step along that road, and if you need another friend to shout some words of encouragement/cheerlead from the sideline, I can get my pom poms Xmas Smile

Slaylormoon · 09/12/2017 17:50

(And I hope your mum told him that double denim was making a comeback!)

Original poster
Imafreeelf · 09/12/2017 18:44

I love your posts slay! Shout them loud with your Pom Poms!

Thank you so much for your kind words. I need people like you around! I really appreciate your support Flowers

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Gemini69 · 09/12/2017 18:46

he's so needy of approval its embarrassing... Hmm

Slaylormoon · 09/12/2017 18:50

2, 4, 6, 8,

You can do this, you are great! Grin

Original poster
Imafreeelf · 09/12/2017 19:11

Gemini - he drove my mums convertible BMW to the viewing to impress them! Embarrassing indeed! ( he was only allowed it because he got it serviced for mum)

Slay - thanks! You're a Star

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Original poster
Imafreeelf · 10/12/2017 09:29

Woken up feeling really stupid. I cried my eyes out on him last night. I wanted to know what I'd done that made him fall out of love with me. He said it was lots of little things like hardly any hobbies in common. It was like that from day 1!
He said it was too much effort to be happy with me.
It really hurts and I feel so pathetic Sad

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