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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

In law threats

305 replies

Imafreeelf · 28/11/2017 13:00

Hi everyone,

I've nc and new shiny thread to help me get through this divorce.

For those that didn't see my last one (it's been removed for my protection) I'm at the start of a divorce because my 'd'h couldn't stand up to his bullying and threatening parents.

Please let me know that you have found me!

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Original poster
Imafreeelf · 03/12/2017 17:04

Anyone? Sad

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petalsandstars · 03/12/2017 17:05

He doesn’t love you enough to go against his parents. I’m so sorry, it’s time to stop trying to be his friend. Flowers

Original poster
Imafreeelf · 03/12/2017 17:10

Thank you petals. No, I knew that part but Ronnie go around telling people that basically I wasn't good enough is killing me.

He said his feelings have declined over the last few years! I've been lied to that long. I've put up with all his parents crap for nothing. Just to be abandoned

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Original poster
Imafreeelf · 03/12/2017 17:10

Ronnie?! That should say - to go around

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HashiAsLarry · 03/12/2017 17:31

You know the truth. He will say whatever doesn't paint him in a bad light. Remember you don't have to play his game. Tell the people you care about the truth, sod what the crazy af ILS think.

Tbh if someone told me their feelings for someone declined over the years but they hadn't tried salvaging their relationship I'd be hmm

Original poster
Imafreeelf · 03/12/2017 17:36

Thanks hashi, that's reassuring. I did say to him that by not telling me this earlier didn't give me a chance to fix it. He was surprised Hmm
Stupidly I thought you worked at a marriage, not just end it when things got tough.
He's never tried to fix anything. I guess he's never had to. Mummy and daddy promised him a perfect life and I'm not it. In the bin I go...

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HashiAsLarry · 03/12/2017 17:40

It's because it's not the truth though. It's an excuse he's using, and the problem with covering things with a lie is there are holes all over it. He probably does feel anger towards you that you wouldn't roll over and accept the crap. But this is being done so his life is easier, probably because that's the only route he knows. If he admits that as the truth though, his being falls apart.

RandomMess · 03/12/2017 18:02

He never tells the truth though does he. The people who count will see though the bullshit!

Original poster
Imafreeelf · 03/12/2017 18:11

People don't see the bullshit though. Him and his family are such good liars and good at manipulating the truth to suit them. Even my family have taken a while to see the truth!
I shouldn't care what others think but it's the injustice of it all that I can't get past.
In laws behave dreadfully - husband doesn't defend - wife gets dumped - people believe I'm to blame.

How do I live with that? Or better still, how do I get over that?

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DistanceCall · 03/12/2017 18:21

I very much doubt that his love "diminished" over the last few years. If this was the case, why on earth did he put up with you?

What he means is, over the last few years, he gradually realised that you weren't going to tolerate the crap he wanted you to tolerate. He realised that you weren't going to be the fellow minion he was hoping for.

I really don't think he's able to love - truly love - any woman other than his mother. He wants a little friend who can cater to his Mum's whims along with him, and produce children to please his Mum. That's it.

Nobody will think you're to blame. Intelligent people don't go around thinking of divorce in those terms, and stupid people don't matter.

BUT - I do think you should tell your version of the story whenever you are asked. There is nothing to hide and you have nothing to be ashamed of. HE has.

Original poster
Imafreeelf · 03/12/2017 18:39

I'm feeling so alone in rl. Mum and my sister are just saying fuck him. Move on. Mum says this isn't as bad as her losing dad. That hurts to hear. Friends are already getting bored of listening.

No one I know in rl has gone through divorce. They don't have a clue. I just feel so angry when they all try and minimise my feelings and my situation.

I just want someone to understand and to talk to and to hold me and tell me it's going to be ok. It feels so far from that right now. I'm alone in my room crying and that's all I have or how it feels I have

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DistanceCall · 03/12/2017 19:07

Oh Elf. It is unfortunately true that people - even people who love you -
can only listen that much (to anyone talking about anything, it's not about you personally). I know it's not remotely the same thing, but we're here for you. And a professional is the right person to listen to you in person as much as you need - can you see your counsellor more often for a while?

I'm sure your mother means well, but she certainly isn't the most tactful or emotionally knife in the drawer. She loves you, but don't take all she says literally. Pain is not a competition.

It IS going to be OK. It's not as far as it seems now, it really isn't. Your STBXH is being a complete bastard, and I think living with him under the same roof is making things so much more painful. At the very least, stop talking to him properly. You don't need to know that he has spoken to his parents, much less what he has told them. If he tries to initiate that kind of conversation with you, stop him or go away.

You need to self-protect now, Elf. Vent and rant here, talk to your counsellor, cut your husband off, try to go on normally (or as normally as you can) with your friends and family. It will get better, it really will.

Original poster
Imafreeelf · 03/12/2017 19:20

You always know what to say distance, if you're not already a counsellor I feel you would be amazing at it.

I didn't mean to sound ungrateful for the support you and so many others have given me on here. I really do appreciate it and rely on it!

I will try my best to do the things you suggest as they make a lot of sense. Unfortunately I can't afford to see my counsellor more frequently and I guess I shouldn't get too reliant on her as one day I'll have to manage without her.

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DistanceCall · 03/12/2017 19:32

I have had plenty of therapy, Elf. I would hope that some of it rubbed off! Grin

And you did't sound remotely ungrateful! I know that online support has its limits, and it's only normal to wish that the people who are actually around you could be more understanding. But, however well-meaning they are, they are just no equipped for it, or don't really understand, or have their own concerns which they project onto you.

If your counsellor is any good, overreliance shouldn't be a problem. You're going through a very rough patch - it's now that you need the most help and support. It won't be like this forever. It's a bit like antibiotics - you take them as needed when you have an infection, but that doesn't mean you will have to take them forever or will become dependent on them.

Protect yourself. And don't be angry or sad if other people around you can't understand or say the wrong things - they are just doing what they can, and often being clumsy. It's not because there is anything wrong with you or with them, not at all.

bluebell34567 · 03/12/2017 19:34

is it possible for you to focus on something you love atm?
because you really have to detach from him now, otherwise it will continue hurting.
or can you leave the house something? being there wont help you to detach.

bluebell34567 · 03/12/2017 19:37

he says he doesn't love you because you don't take the bad behaviour from the ils.
it doesn't matter what he says to other people, don't stress yourself with it atm. people will see the truth in the future when he has new partner that will be behaved the same.

DistanceCall · 03/12/2017 19:41

IF he ever has a new partner...

Original poster
Imafreeelf · 03/12/2017 20:30

He's exercising more so I think he's gearing up for girl number 2. Good luck to her. He will probably love her enough to defend her though.

Weekends are harder because he is around more. I need to plan more for next weekend to avoid this happening again. Any ideas? Xmas is done, I don't have much money and it's freezing outside! Mum can't walk so we have a wheelchair to consider too!

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TwoDrifters · 03/12/2017 20:39

He’s rewriting history so that he can live with the weak choices he’s made. Don’t forget he sent his parents an email not long ago asking them to back off and give you both space for a month. That wasn’t the action of someone who had decided he didn’t love his wife anymore.

Original poster
Imafreeelf · 03/12/2017 20:47

Good point drifters but he'll probably just say he felt pushed into it by nasty old me!

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DistanceCall · 03/12/2017 20:58

He's exercising more so I think he's gearing up for girl number 2. Good luck to her. He will probably love her enough to defend her though.

He's exercising more because he's also in turmoil, but he's so emotionally damaged that he's unable to recognise that even to himself. So the best way not to think is to keep himself busy. He's let you down because he couldn't face the pressure of standing up to his mother - he's not about to get himself in the same situation again.

He didn't defend you not because he didn't love you enough, as he claims. He didn't defend you because he's incapable of genuinely loving anyone (which means, yes, standing up to people who abuse her, even if they are his parents). He's never going to have a true partner, because he can't accept what that entails - detaching from Mummy. He may end up with a floormat who is similarly damaged or so desperate to be married/have children that she will put up with ANYTHING (though I doubt it). He's never going to become a complete human being, with a fulfilling emotional life, because he doesn't want to. It's easier to ALWAYS STAY WITH MUMMY (think Norman Bates without the psychosis to justify him).

Please stop thinking that any of this is in any way because you were not good enough. HE was not good enough. HE is not man enough to acknowledge how much you are hurting and give you space and time to breather. HE is the one not giving a shit about your feelings.

I know this is really, really tough to accept because it happened to me, but the man you used to be in love never really existed. You have been brave enough to recognise it and act consequently, and have plenty of time to start a good, fulfilling, loving life.

You're the best thing that every happened to him, and on some level he knows it. That's why he's punishing you.

Original poster
Imafreeelf · 03/12/2017 21:07

I'm sorry you've been through this too distance but I have to say, you sound so strong! Everything you say makes sense. You are very level headed. You are so lovely and supportive. I can't thank you enough. Flowers

I think keeping busy would help me more but I don't know what to do! The website you recommended is brilliant, do you have anymore great ideas? Smile

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DistanceCall · 03/12/2017 21:10

It's always much easier to see things from the outside, Elf. It's different when you are the one going through the mess. Believe me, I can often be quite the emotional wreck!

What sorts of thing do you enjoy or are interested in? Is there anything that intrigues and you would like to find out more about?

Original poster
Imafreeelf · 03/12/2017 21:34

I love organising, crafty activities, self help (ha!), shopping! I'm not sure what else

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DistanceCall · 03/12/2017 22:04

I'll take a better look tomorrow, but, on the crafts front, these look good:

Take a look - I'm sure other MNetters will be able to give you more suggestions (and I'll try to come up with more suggestions).