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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

In law threats

305 replies

Imafreeelf · 28/11/2017 13:00

Hi everyone,

I've nc and new shiny thread to help me get through this divorce.

For those that didn't see my last one (it's been removed for my protection) I'm at the start of a divorce because my 'd'h couldn't stand up to his bullying and threatening parents.

Please let me know that you have found me!

OP posts:
bluebell34567 · 02/12/2017 00:24

I think he feels like there is nothing else he can do.
he doesn't have the energy to feel sad.

Imafreeelf · 02/12/2017 09:05

He keeps saying 'you'll be fine'. He's convinced himself he's doing this for my benefit and that losing him is best!
When will he realise he is choosing mummy over me and that is not best!!

How does he know I'll be fine. I feel anything but fine. When is he going to realise this is happening? He's just going about life as usual while I'm in pieces.

It hurts too much Sad

OP posts:
Clutterbugsmum · 02/12/2017 10:20

Next time he tells you that you will be fine, tell him you know you will be fine but right now you are not and that you would appreciate it if he keeps his banal thoughts to himself as you do not want to hear it.

The reason he is coping better (for want of a better word) is that he either was never committed to you or he checked out of your marriage years ago and you just became some who looked after him.

DistanceCall · 02/12/2017 12:24

Next time he says you'll be fine, tell him that yes, you'll be fine as you will no longer have to put up with a partner who tolerates his wife being abused by his parents.

Or just tell him to fuck off.

He's not coping better. He's buying his head in the sand and telling himself that his fantasy of an "easy life" is going to work out. It isn't. He's going to end up as a pathetic, cowardly childman, and on some level he knows it. But he'll never say it out loud.

DistanceCall · 02/12/2017 12:24

*burying

bluebell34567 · 02/12/2017 12:46

men sometimes cant understand certain things that you can be so sensitive about. its like they are from another planet.

Taylor22 · 02/12/2017 12:59

I'd tell him you know you will eventually be fine now that his cunt of a mother is dead to you.

What an absolute shitbag OP. I'm so so sorry.

Imafreeelf · 02/12/2017 14:24

Thank you for your replies. They do make me feel better!

Done a spot of retail therapy this morning but why do you notice couples more when your own relationship is shit?! Talk about rub your nose in it!

House valuation happened. Once again he didn't seem bothered. I wish I could turn off my feelings like a light switch. It's wierd that the world is carrying on and I feel like I'm outside looking in.

I felt that way when dad died. I guess a part of me has died now too. There's going to be nothing left of me!

Can we have more bad words for my pig of a husband please? It's childish but cheers me up! I hate what he's doing to me

OP posts:
Taylor22 · 02/12/2017 17:33

Your feelings are perfectly normal. But it's still shit and I'm sorry your suffering.

Your twat of an Ex should've just dribbled down his mothers leg.

Imafreeelf · 02/12/2017 22:29

Cried my eyes out while putting up the xmas tree. He wanted to leave to go to the tip Hmm

Why do I keep expecting him to give a shit?!

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 02/12/2017 22:46

Elf, stop being nice to him. You need to spend as little time as possible with him. He said that he could leave the house at Xmas - accept his offer.

He's not been good to you, and he isn't behaving decently. Don't torture yourself.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/12/2017 22:54

TBH, I probably wouldn't have put up the tree. In fact, I probably would have just shit-canned any display of Xmas in the house this year and do my celebrating elsewhere (without him around). I'm sure anyone you usually entertain would understand.

But that's just me.

Imafreeelf · 02/12/2017 23:01

It's all completely selfish. I love decorating my house and I adore my tree. It takes me 2 hours to do the tree. I want to be with my things around me. It's not for his benefit. He doesn't give a toss about any of it and I'm sure none of you will be surprised to learn he is a Scrooge!

I'm upset too that it's my last xmas here in my home.

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 02/12/2017 23:21

Oh, he's stingy too? Why doesn't it surprise me?

If you feel like putting up Xmas decorations, by all mean, decorate away. But - I insist - don't include him in any celebrations: no presents, no dinner, no nothing. Xmas is for you and your family. He's not part of your family any more, and this needs to be made clear.

I am sorry you're suffering. It's crap to see that someone you cared about seems not to give a shit. You will feel a huge relief eventually, promised.

Imafreeelf · 02/12/2017 23:47

I'm having a panic attack. Please help. I don't think I can do this alone

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 02/12/2017 23:51

We're all here for you, Elf. You CAN do this. You already are!

Take a few deep breaths. What is going through your mind?

Imafreeelf · 02/12/2017 23:54

I feel really sick and shaky.
What if I'm ill and there is no one to look after me?
If my mum dies, I'm alone in the world (my sister is too wrapped up in her own life).
I can't work full time so how am I ever going to look after myself?

My brain is fuzzy and I can't make sense of it

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 03/12/2017 00:03

You're going through the worst bits now, and all you can see ahead of you is dark. But it's a tunnel, I promise - there's a light at the end.

You have friends, and you have a family - I'm sure if anything happened, your sister and her husband would be there for you. But your mother isn't going to die any time soon!

You said you had migraines, and that's why you are unable to work full time. I don't know if you've been properly seen by doctors, but migraines most often have a significant stress component. My mother used to have horrendous migraines for years, and they were related to large extent to her own personal problems (she also had a toxic MIL, although my father stood up for my mother against her). Things got better, and her migraines are much much better now.

I strongly suspect that once you are out of the woods you will find that your migraines get better, or at least are more under control. You'll also make more, and much better, relationships, including (if you want) a relationship with a man who actually loves you.

As for work - as I said, let's see how your migraines go once you get your divorce and move on. But I have no doubt that you can take care of yourself. You can find more students, perhaps you can freelance - there are many options, but this is not the time to think about that. Now's the time to think about your half of the assets and make a clean break. There'll be plenty of time to think about your career then.

I think you are beginning to realise the extent of the suffering you have been through. It's a bit like a boiling frog - you don't realise how hot the water you've been in was until you're out. And it's frightening - change is frightening.

This is all completely normal, Elf. And yes, it's completely crap. But you should be very proud of yourself. It's not easy AT ALL, and you're doing so well. ((((((((HUGS)))))))) Flowers

Imafreeelf · 03/12/2017 00:08

Oh distance thank you so much. Reading all of your post has calmed me down. That's exactly what I need and what dh used to do. I'm such an anxious person and frequently need talking down! (No wonder he's relieved to be rid of me!)

The frog analogy is spot on. The enormity of it all is flooding my brain. My body is then suffering.

I can't say thank you enough, I genuinely don't know what state I'd be in without this thread and especially you distance Flowers

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 03/12/2017 00:12

Many, many of us have been there, Elf. I know what being anxious and on your own is like. I'm very happy if I can be of any help - you are wonderful person, and deserve so much better than being a boiling frog!

Just keep venting here when you need it - there's so many people who can get good advice. I've said this often, but be kind to yourself. If you feel like doing something, do it. If you don't, don't. Create your own space, both physically and in your mind, and try to do things you enjoy, either on your own or with the people you want to be with.

Things are going to be fine, they really are. For now, take it on a day to day basis. You're doing great, really. And as I said, we're here when you need us. ((((MORE HUGS))))

Imafreeelf · 03/12/2017 00:17

You make me feel so much better distance. I'm glad I have you to turn to, you are wonderful too!

I'm going to try and sleep now but again, thank you for being here for me. Those words don't seem enough so I'm sending you virtual hugs back and Cake!

OP posts:
bluebell34567 · 03/12/2017 01:33

don't expect then any nice, emotional behaviour from him then you wont get disappointed and upset.
if he shows any such behaviour don't take it on board so much.
you will have many opportunities in the future.
don't panic.

bluebell34567 · 03/12/2017 01:36

and the couples you see outside they are not all happy.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/12/2017 13:51

I'm upset too that it's my last xmas here in my home

I know you can't see it now, but this is NOT the last Xmas in 'your home'. Because you will make another home when this is over. A better home. A home you will love just as much. But that home will be filled with love, laughter, and light.

Imafreeelf · 03/12/2017 16:37

He's told his parents. He told them he doesn't love me enough anymore. She cried and fil didn't say much. Wtf?! Trying to make it all about her already.
I bet they're celebrating right now. I feel shaky again.

I'm so sorry but I need you all again!

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