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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

In law threats

305 replies

Imafreeelf · 28/11/2017 13:00

Hi everyone,

I've nc and new shiny thread to help me get through this divorce.

For those that didn't see my last one (it's been removed for my protection) I'm at the start of a divorce because my 'd'h couldn't stand up to his bullying and threatening parents.

Please let me know that you have found me!

OP posts:
Original poster
Imafreeelf · 03/12/2017 22:19

Thank you, it's very kind of you to look for me Smile

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Original poster
Imafreeelf · 04/12/2017 17:49

This might sound strange but does anyone know how I can find someone to meet up with in rl that has been in similar boat to mine?
No one I know has gone through a divorce. It's hard not having anyone that really understands and to be an inspiration

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Original poster
Imafreeelf · 04/12/2017 21:37

Heard from my solicitor earlier. She hasn't done anything in the week since I saw her. Is this normal? I don't know what to expect but to me that seems quite slow. I know they are very busy people though

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bluebell34567 · 04/12/2017 21:39

its hard to meet someone like that in real life sometimes.
but internet is under your hand, everything is there. and some people here posted their relevant experiences.
I hope you are better now. Cake

Original poster
Imafreeelf · 04/12/2017 21:46

Thanks, I do appreciate everyone here of course.
I'm not much better but I guess that's to be expected

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DistanceCall · 04/12/2017 22:18

I think solicitors can be a bit slow, particularly at this time of year (there are things that need to be completed before the year ends and so on).

I'm not really sure about how to meet people who are going through a divorce in real life - the thing is, most people who are going through a divorce tend to want to meet socially to be distracted from their divorce rather than go over it again. I agree with bluebell that the Internet is probably a better option - perhaps you could start a thread here to share experiences?

There are also Divorce Groups on Meetup. Perhaps you could take a look there (and also for other interests).

Original poster
Imafreeelf · 04/12/2017 22:52

I've missed you today distance! (I hope that doesn't sound too weird!)

That's reassuring with regards to solicitors. I totally understand they are busy people so I wasn't sure if I was being impatient!

I hadn't thought of it that way (avoiding more talk of divorce). I found a thread on here about things getting better after divorce that has helped.

I will look at your link too, thank you. Smile

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Original poster
Imafreeelf · 04/12/2017 23:15

That link was great, I've joined 2 local groups to go out and meet new people! It's quite exciting - scary but nice to have something to look forward to.

Thank you so much 😊

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DistanceCall · 04/12/2017 23:27

Hey! Glad I could be of help, Elf. Smile

Keep posting here. We're all here to support you!

Original poster
Imafreeelf · 04/12/2017 23:40

Thanks distance, that means a lot to me Flowers

I've just seen an email from him with a link to a BBC news article - about recycling plastic! Is he having a bloody go at me now?! I have no idea. I just replied 'did you mean to send that to me?'

Random Hmm

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DistanceCall · 04/12/2017 23:54

Oh, FFS.

He's trying to get a reaction out of you, because he is realising that, yes, things have changed.

Your reply was very good. But I would ignore any future messages. Don't give him what he wants. It's going to drive him BONKERS.

Original poster
Imafreeelf · 05/12/2017 10:15

I think you're right because whilst I was getting mum's tablets last night I said to her that my hip was hurting. He bloody pipes up and says (with a smirk on his face) 'that's too much sitting in it!'
I raised my eyebrows and ignored. Fucking cheek!
He bought me and mum some gingerbread men on his way home from work too. Mum said to me wtf? I said he's trying to appear nice! Manipulation manipulation manipulation.
Sick of his mind games

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Original poster
Imafreeelf · 05/12/2017 10:16

Sitting ON it!

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DistanceCall · 05/12/2017 10:37

Ah, now he's inching towards the insulting. There's a surprise.

Ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore. Raised eyebrow is good.

And I would leave the gingerbread men (and anything he chooses to bring to you) lying around, forgotten. Don't acknowledge it, just don't take it.

HashiAsLarry · 05/12/2017 10:46

When all else fails, try blatant insults. Remember your agreeing his sharing of Xmas eith you was on account of him being nice? Next time he insults you I'd be inclined to ask if he's made alternative plans seeing as he can't behave in a civil manner.

HashiAsLarry · 05/12/2017 10:46

Though distance is probably right!

Original poster
Imafreeelf · 05/12/2017 10:57

Ooh we've now reverted to being nice. It's dads anniversary today and me and mum have just received a bunch of flowers in the post from him to mark the occasion.
He's never done this before Hmm

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DistanceCall · 05/12/2017 11:03

He's panicking.

Original poster
Imafreeelf · 05/12/2017 11:13

What about though? All of this was his choice, I don't get it

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DistanceCall · 05/12/2017 11:32

He lives in denial, Elf. In denial about the nature of his relationship with his parents, in denial about his relationship with you, in denial that this is happening. When he is confronted with reality (as we all are at some point or another, unless you are Kim Jong Un), he panics and tried to make everything right just by "being nice" (the same as he behaves with his family - notice any pattern here?)

Original poster
Imafreeelf · 05/12/2017 11:40

You have good insights, what is he trying to achieve? If he's trying to maintain his image, does he think we're that stupid. He's divorcing me! He's saying he doesn't love me. He's put his mother first. Does he honestly think a bunch of flowers and some biscuits makes up for all of that?!
My mind is completely boggled!

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DistanceCall · 05/12/2017 11:52

Well, that's what he's always done with his parents. He placates them by seeing them and "being a good boy". Perhaps he still hopes that if he is nice enough, you will change your mind and not go through with the divorce. Perhaps it's just his reflex reaction - when things go wrong, be a good boy and bring chocolates.

It's what he's been trained to do all his life, but he sometimes he's able to see that there is something wrong with that (that's why he told you that he knows he's got issues). However, he also knows that it's much more emotionally comfortable (if shitty) for him to stay in the same position forever (that's why he told you that he is unwilling to work through his issues).

So yes, he does think that a bunch of flowers and some biscuits will make you stop the divorce, because he doesn't want to face the truth that what you want is for him to be a man, not a Mummy's little body.

It would be sad, really, if it wasn't so pathetic.

DistanceCall · 05/12/2017 11:52

Mummy's little boy! (although body is not bad either, seeing that he is little more than an extension of his mother's will).

Original poster
Imafreeelf · 05/12/2017 12:10

He wants the divorce though and has said he doesn't love me now. He doesn't want me to stop the divorce, he doesn't want me anymore.
Trying to work him out is like trying to learn Chinese by studying German! It's confusing and probably pointless but it's bloody annoying!!

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DistanceCall · 05/12/2017 12:14

Yep, annoying as hell. And as I said, it may be that this is just his reflex reaction. I wouldn't give any thought to his motivations. But it's clear that things are not going the way he wants to, whatever that is.