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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

In law threats

305 replies

Imafreeelf · 28/11/2017 13:00

Hi everyone,

I've nc and new shiny thread to help me get through this divorce.

For those that didn't see my last one (it's been removed for my protection) I'm at the start of a divorce because my 'd'h couldn't stand up to his bullying and threatening parents.

Please let me know that you have found me!

OP posts:
ItsNachoCheese · 30/11/2017 22:33

Here is to the start of the rest of your new free life 💜😘

Original poster
Imafreeelf · 30/11/2017 22:53

Hello traffig! Flowers

Distance, thank you. I have seen an old uni friend and she's been lovely. I'm still working and my student is the daughter of my best friend so I have great support there. I'm doing colouring books as they don't take much brain but keep me busy. My brain has gone to mush lately! I also have mum here all the time so looking after her keeps me busy!

Nacho, thank you! I try to keep reminding myself of that but today it's hurting a lot. I keep crying in private (and on poor mums shoulder!)

How do you cope leaving your home?! I'm dreading that come end of December. I love my house so much. I know it's just a house but it's my life, I spend so much time here and have spent so long making it mine (ours). I think I'm grieving for my house as well as my marriage. How ridiculous is that?!

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 30/11/2017 23:26

I would suggest thinking ahead to the home that you will be getting with your part of the sale. Fantasise about it, what kind of home you would like to have, how you will decorate it.

(I don't know if it's your cup of tea, but I can waste hours on end on Apartment Therapy).

Original poster
Imafreeelf · 30/11/2017 23:44

Thank you distance, I've clicked your link. There is a lot on there! I'm a bit confused, what do you do on there?
I love this sort of thing - I spend hours on Pinterest!!

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 01/12/2017 00:19

Well, I just browse and drool, mainly Grin

It's good for small spaces (I live in a very small flat), and I particularly recommend the house tours because I'm nosy and like seeing where other people live.

It's like Pinterest only with more words, I'd say. (And with a very good section on organising and cleaning which I love because I'm weird that way).

Original poster
Imafreeelf · 01/12/2017 08:30

It sounds just my cup of tea, thanks!

I will need some new furniture so I think fantasy shopping is in order too! Anyone know of any good cheap websites? I don't want second hand stuff (bloody snob!)

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HildasStockings · 01/12/2017 08:46

Leaving a house is difficult but there are huge benefits too.

When I got divorced I worried so much about selling the FMH and moving somewhere smaller but do you know what? I have never looked back!

I love my smaller house. It's MINE and free of ties / memories from my marriage. I have taken time to do it up exactly as I want it. It's such a fantastic feeling and was the best thing for me.

One word of caution - solicitors are out to make money. They don't make much money from couples who sort out the finances themselves - they make most money when there is a fight.

Mine was ok, but I had to tell her to back off at one point when she was egging me on to go for more than what we had agreed. My ex's definitely stirred things up right when we were at the point of agreeing finances. It set us back 8 months and expensive mediation sessions until we agreed pretty much the same deal we had had before!

I have heard good and bad things and know personally two women who ended up with huge legal bills (one was £100k between her and her ex) and a much worse settlement than the one originally offered because they took their solicitors advice and fought for more.

Original poster
Imafreeelf · 01/12/2017 12:08

Thank you Hilda, good points about solicitor! I'm too quick to trust people, think that's been half my trouble.

A small house will be nice, I've got to get through a few months at mum's first. I don't mean to sound ungrateful but it's going to be hard when I'm used to my own space. I'm sure she feels the same too.

OP posts:
PhuntSox · 01/12/2017 13:15

You could get some Ercol from ebay, very on trend!

notapizzaeater · 01/12/2017 13:20

I had my mum move in for a few months this, I was dreading it but tbh we bubbled along nicely.

AcrossthePond55 · 01/12/2017 14:48

It's always hard to move back home after we've had our independence. But you'll be fine and probably do need a bit of peace and caring for that I'm sure your DM will provide!

Listen to your solicitor, but as with all advice, think it through yourself and bounce it off someone if you need to. Remember the phrase "I need to think about that. Let me get back to you". A good solicitor should be willing to give you time to digest their suggestions (within court time limits, of course).

Traffig · 01/12/2017 16:57

Just take it a little bit by little bit. I think Distance's online virtual therapy sounds like a lot of fun and a good distraction.
Just to say I am still lurking about. You are getting great advice here and wishing you good things to come Smile

Original poster
Imafreeelf · 01/12/2017 20:36

Thank you everyone.

It was hard today. Think I've been a bit snappy with mum as she's now crying in the loo. I don't have the capacity for being understanding right now. This is the third lot of crying in a week. God I sound like a bitch but I don't have anything left to give.
Help!

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 01/12/2017 20:41

It's a hard time for both of you (although, obviously, much harder for you than for your mother). You're not a bitch at all!

Why is she crying (and why did she cry the two other times)?

Original poster
Imafreeelf · 01/12/2017 20:46

I know it's hard for her too but I can't cope with her tears too! It's because I'm not being overly nice and I'm quite short tempered. I'm trying my best not to be but I think because she's in pain a lot she's being extra sensitive too.
It's awful but I'm angry when she cries. I just want to shout 'I'm getting a bloody divorce, of course I'm feeling shitty!'

I feel guilty too though because she's going to be helping me A LOT! I told her how I felt last time and she said she'd try not to take it so personally but here we are again. I don't want another relationship to end! What can I do?!

OP posts:
PhuntSox · 01/12/2017 20:52

Give her a hug, tell her you love her and that you will get through this together. She may have been downplaying her pain to save you from it so she is more sensitive than usual. Tough time for you both.

DistanceCall · 01/12/2017 20:55

Don't worry about it too much. You're both on tenterhooks, understandably, but your mother should really try to be less sensitive. It sounds like she's probably projecting her own experiences losing her husband onto you. It's understandable that she's upset because no one likes to see their child going through a rough time, but she's not helping you by being so sensitive.

I think the best thing to do is to be open about it. If you are (understandably) grumpy and she starts crying, perhaps you can say something like: "Mum, I know you're upset, but this is a rough time for me. I'm the one getting divorced. I'm not feeling particularly sunny now, but it's got nothing to do with you. I love you and I'm very grateful for your support, but there's no need for you to cry, and it doesn't help".

And then just ignore her a bit if she keeps crying (by ignore a bit I don't mean that you stop talking to her, I just mean that you should treat her normally, not ramp up the drama).

Original poster
Imafreeelf · 01/12/2017 21:27

Thanks both. I'm in tears now! (It's going well isn't it?!) she's not feeling well so she's gone to bed. It's the anniversary of dads death on Tuesday so that's making emotions run higher than normal too.

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DistanceCall · 01/12/2017 21:46

It is going well, Elf, definitely. It's tough, and even tougher because it's the anniversary of your Dad's death and Xmas is coming and it's shit.

You are both going to be fine, really. Give your Mum a hug in the morning, and don't worry too much about it.

Original poster
Imafreeelf · 01/12/2017 22:00

You're right distance. I just want to run away though on my own and be allowed to have my feelings.

People are nice and understanding to start with but then they seem to expect me to just be over it! Back to their problems instead.

I'm probably just in a foul mood but that's what it feels like today. My sister told me off for being sad in front of my nephew! It's just all too much Sad

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 01/12/2017 22:11

People can be really stupid sometimes when it comes to other people's feelings, even if they really love you and mean well.

If this keeps happening, I think you should just say, very calmly something: "I'm sorry if I'm not at my best, but, you know, I'm going through a divorce and it's tough. I'm doing my best".

Also, pay attention to your feelings. If you're feeling sad or don't feel particularly like talking to other people, it's perfectly OK to go to your room or go for a walk or whatever. And if people complain or ask, just tell them. It's perfectly possible to be polite but also protect your own boundaries (and your boundaries are a bit, well, spiky right now).

You're doing great in a very shit situation, Elf. Really.

HashiAsLarry · 01/12/2017 22:18

I was going to say that given the anniversary both you emotions are probably heightened at the moment. Your DM may say something again about not throwing marriages away but remember hers was a happy one so she is lucky that she doesn't get what a bad !marriage is like. And shes in pain physically. However you are also suffering a double mourning. For some reason shitty things always seem to clump together.

Original poster
Imafreeelf · 01/12/2017 22:37

Thank you hashi and distance, you both really understand. I'm so glad you're both here for me. I need you!

I'm just feeling very sorry for myself tonight. It's been a tricky day. The house is being valued tomorrow so I'm not hopeful that tomorrow will be better either. I want to fast forward the next year and be settled in my own new home and start living again.

I feel like I'm hanging over the edge of a cliff! He looks totally relaxed in his iPad here! Why doesn't this hurt him like it is me?! I probably already know the answer don't I ...

OP posts:
HashiAsLarry · 01/12/2017 23:04

In all honesty I think he thinks you're going to cave. Carry on as if this doesn't bother him when he knows it bothers you. Treat em mean etc. He will realise far too late he overplayed his hand.

AcrossthePond55 · 01/12/2017 23:33

I agree, he thinks you're going to back down. Plus he knows that Mummy and Daddy will take care of him. I'm sure they've already told him how mean, nasty you (eyeroll) is being so unfair to poor Diddums!

Remember that you have a right to your feelings. And it's only natural to feel sorry for yourself. It's not the loss of the man, himself. It's the loss of the dream you had of what you felt your life would be. Why shouldn't you mourn that loss? Go ahead, mourn for that lost dream. Just remember that someday you will have new dreams, better dreams. Dreams that will come true.