Does it get better?

[Mambot]

Is been seven weeks since my partner walked out on me and our nearly two year old son in the most horrible way. He blames me for everything, has turned mutual friends and his family against me and is all full of himself arguing 'its time to concentrate on me'.

I don't really get any sleep, am working full time to try and get some money together and my poor mum is looking after my son while I'm there and is also exhausted.

I have nightmares every night about whatever trollop he has gone off with and him smugly telling me why she's better, I have huge amounts of anxiety and chest pain and am finding it very difficult to 'forgive and move on' as all the literature tells me to do. I spend a lot of time hoping he will suffer for the pain he caused all of us.

Please tell me it gets easier. Some days are so hard and I'm crying in work while writing this.

I'm on the up again thanks, it was a rough week but decided today is the start of a new one! Boys are good but youngest is teething still which is causing some sleepless nights!

Like you I seriously doubt my stbxw would ever admit to making a mistake etc but I'm hoping that if she ever does I'm able to be strong and not take her back (even if part of me still wants that).

It is nice seeing her house/listening to her complaints about work etc from time to time as it makes me feel that I am coping better than her but just wish she'd stop acting as if we are still a couple but living apart!

newton write down what you want to say/questions you need to ask about finances. That way you won't forget anything and have to go back later to ask again.

Regardless of how horrible he is/awkward the conversation is just remember that when it's all done you can choose to never speak again!

@newtonml64 - Yes i totally agree with you! It is the butterfly feelings and emotions and excitement that have drawn them in! I hope you are right and reality does kick in and they do realise and regret what they have done. But at the moment i am finding that hard to imagine. my ex is showing no signs of regret - and is so adamant he has done the right thing. He has chosen to be with someone who has no responsibilities i.e. no kids or marriage - its like he has tried the whole marriage, kids etc realized actually this isn't how i imagined! And he has upped and left without even wanting to try and fix it! makes me so angry sometimes but thy are welcome to each other!! Don't want to be with someone who runs away from responsibility when things get tough!!

Yeah i still need to sort finances out to - wellyboots is right - write down a list of what you want to say. Also look at your finances and see what you can afford realistically. Maybe come up with ideas of what you think is fair for both of you financially so when you are in discussion you have an idea of what you want to get out of it! These discussions are never easy and are something we throught we would never have to do but they are neccessary unfortunately. Hope it all goes ok! We are all here for support xx

@wellyboots I have no doubt you will stay strong if that was to happen! Its the worst betrayal they could have done. For me personally - its the worst thing he could have done i would never trust him again! plus he is still lying now so would never believe a word he says. I just no i trusted him 100% and that would never come back. I don't want to live my life worried he is going to do it again and stepping on egg shells i deserve so much more. I just remain hopeful i will eventually find some who i can trust again and i am happy with again (obviously not any time soon want to spend time just focusing on me and my little one). - as these people not only ruin their marriages they also have an impact on how the betrayed partners view potential partners and future relationships - sadly. But i know we will all get through this and eventually find happiness :)

sunflowers ultimately he'll bounce from shallow relationship to shallow relationship looking for whatever he thinks he was missing each time whereas you will find the right person once you are ready.

My parents stayed together for the sake of my happiness despite my mum's affair and they ultimately divorced when I was 16. My dad is so much happier with his new wife now and it gives me hope that there's someone else out there for me too (when I'm ready that is)

@Wellyboots86 Thats just what i needed to hear right now thank you :)

When this all first happened i was so worried about my little one being from a broken family unit - i really wanted nothing more than for him to have the family unit and happy childhood i had when i was little. But i don't believe staying together for the sake of your children -
as this can create a unhappy and unhealthy atmosphere.
But i am slowly coming to terms with the fact that i can't control what Has happened. I suppose he will be fine as he has 2 parents who love him very much - even though they are living apart, and also 2 families who adore him so he is lucky in so many ways:)

I am sorry to hear about your mum and dad - but its lovely to hear that your dad is now happily married to someone else - its gives me hope
also :)

My parents split 15 years ago sunflowers so came to terms a long time ago!

Ironically my stbxw put it best a few months ago, our boys are better having two parents that are happy but apart than the "ideal family" together but miserable.

She said it as justification for her actions but actually she's right - why should I have to accept her actions and play happy families when there will be someone better out there who will treat me (and kids) with respect we all deserve!

How is everyone doing? Hope everyone is doing ok 🙂

Hey morning sunflowers. Not too bad here thanks.I wake up a bit sad somedays but I think the dark mornings don't help.or would be nice if we all moved along together wouldn't it. I never realised how common this situation was until I joined here and to anyone starting out please believe it does get easier to cope with time.

Hi I've been lurking for a bit and the comments have helped me when I'm feeling low. My stbxh left on our 10 year wedding annerversary of all days, which is 3 months ago now . There's no ow or so he says he just wants the single life with no 1 to answer to. I've been coping so well considering he left after 16 years together with out trying to work at the marriage . I've also got a beautiful son and my crazy dog as well as fantastic family and friends. We have been trying the whole friends still thing but can't see it working cos it's driving me insane . He recently went on a lads weekend n last night was talking with his mates n me how "fit the birds were" I'm not sure if he's trying to make me think he's loving his decision even tho he's not or what just wish I could be in his head for an hour to see what he's thinking!! After he went his mate said he is all talk. I know I'm better off financially as he was always at pub and his priority are all wrong. I know I deserve better and deep down I don't want him back and glad he ended things cos I never would. I feel sometimes I'm just too nice for my own good.

Hi layniboggs. Glad we've been able to help in some small way, that's the whole point of this group really!

As far as his bragging about how fit others are, it probably is all talk out of guilt/self pity as I found with my stbxw that she started making comments like that shortly before I discovered her affair and a few comments afterwards make it seem that she wants the world (or at least me) to think she's much happier and life is perfect now and yet she still talks to me like her dh at times and confides how tough life is now.

No point trying to work out what's in their heads as chances are they don't know themselves half the time!

Layinboggs123 welcome to the Group. Wellyboots86 is spot on, don't try and understand him as you never will. I'm 8 weeks in and I gave up on trying to understand a couple of weeks ago. Let's not torture ourselves with their weak choices, lies and betrayal we all deserve better and they definite don't deserve us. My day has started off OK this morning, always helps to know we are here for each other. Stay strong and I keep this quote in my mind that my friend sent me "the best views come after the hardest climb"

Morning everybody :)

Glad to hear you are doing good!

Viking - the dark mornings definitely don't help! I no i can't believe how common it is either! As horrible a situation it is its nice to have somewhere to go to speak to people in a similar situation! It really does help! And it definitely does get easier - as they say time is a great healer!

@Layniboggs123 - I feel i'm also too nice sometimes - but i don't like feeling bitter and angry so being nice is the better alternative! but you no what - that just shows what kind of people we are and we are the better person in all of this! Keep Smiling :)

I have also thought i would love to get into my STBXH's head also to see what he is thinking and to try and understand why he has done what he has done - but you no what - i don't think even they know, and like Wellyboots has said previously - i don't think we will ever get all the answers we want so no point in going aroubnd in circles and even trying to understand it.

And as for the bragging - i Agree with Wellyboots - if he was so happy he wouldn't feel the need to say anything like that - its like he is trying to justify it to himself and make himself feel better! Rise above it xx

Thank all yes think your defiantly right sometimes you just need someone else to remind you what u all ready know . I think that deep down he his shocked how well I'm coping and in a way wants to bring me down. Well no chance I've sorted my finances and booked an holiday abroad with family . It's been 10 years for me and first time for my son x lots to look forward to need to remember that when i have a bad day x glad I found this group xx

Hiya hope everyone is well, been meaning to message every day too, then something comes up I have to close out and lose it all!

Basically its good to see so much positivity. I've had a bit of a shift in thinking myself these past few days, I'm on a two steps forward section this week I think. I've got some queries about my exes current behavior as he's become very chummy so of a sudden by email. I'm suspicious.

My anger at him is starting to move full time towards pity. He is a big kid, I can see that now. I have had some wobbly moments while looking back through photos but most of the time now I just think he was a massive mistake and that his childishness was evident throughout of I'm honest. His bizarre emails that jump from suddenly hostile, to businesslike, to incredibly friendly unnerve me though. Never want to reply, but I know I have to xxx

Hiya layniboggs x welcome, enjoy the holiday! When are you going?

Hi Mambot
It's not while next August next year to Cyprus gives me time to save and something to look forward to xxx

So spoke to my stbxh regarding finances and it is all very amicable. I feel like I am being too amicable considering what he has done but I can't be bothered feeling bitter and angry as it doesn't get me any where! My main priority is my DS and In my eyes - Ive got no control over him having 2 parents that are together - but what I have got control of is ensuring he has 2 parents who co parent him amicably as possible! I don't want him to be in the middle of rowing parents and don't want him feeling any kind of horrible atmosphere! Hence the reason I am being amicable! I want all of this to have as little impact on him as possible so will do everything in my power to make sure of that!

Also it's been over 2 months since we split and I feel like I have coped a lot better than I ever thought I could. Strange how you don't realise your own strength! I've also realised how much things haven't been good for a while and how I haven't been myself for a long time!! I'm only just realising this now as I feel like a weights been lifted and feel happier! However I do feel sad as I do believe that if this OW wasn't involved that we could have worked through the issues and come out stronger! However he said he doesn't believe that and he feels he's done the right thing - which makes me sad ☹️ think my emotions and thoughts are abit everywhere today!

Don't no why I really posted this just felt like I needed to tell someone how I felt so thought I would put it up! In conclusion I feel happy and sad! And wished we could have worked things out! Does anyone else feel the same?

I know exactly how you feel sunflowers, although my split has only been for 2 and a half weeks. I’m so sad things have ended with my stbxh but looking back things weren’t right for ages! We only got married 11 months ago so I feel such a failure not even making it to a year! (We were together 8 years in total). I’m told it gets easier though! Here’s hoping

@LizaJane85 I'm glad I'm not the only one ! We only married couple of years ago but together over 10! Things haven't been right for the past year but that was due to circumstances and life! I guess I just thought he would try a lot harder to save our marriage - but it is what it is and I do believe things happen for a reason! I just miss us being the way we were before everything happened!

I also feel my future feels so uncertain now. I wanted more children and now I may never get that chance! But then other days I feel excited about what the future could hold!

Anyway I'm rambling sorry just having one of those days xx

I know how you feel sunflowers. I coped better than I thought and that must be because we weren't truly happy for years but I still miss her not sure if I miss her or companionship. The sadness creeps up on you sort of mugs you and then it's gone again that's how it feels to me.deep down I think we both knew it wasn't right but I wouldn't have left her the way she did me but it's done now .you can't control the past but you can the future. So I've decided to win the lottery Saturday. I'll buy you all a McDonald's 😊

Viking and Sunflowers, couldn’t agree with you both more!!

Sunflowers it's really good that you can see how far you've come already. It's amazing the things we can do that we thought would be a major hurdle but you just get on with it don't you?

I miss the lack of someone to chat to at night and the little loving monents we had but to be fair they were getting fewer and further apart before all this anyway. It is nice to be able to test out new meals that I think me and the boys will like etc which I never had the chance to before.

To be honest I was very under her thumb for years I think and that's why my confidence took such a hammering at the start as always saw me as me and her not as an individual person, started to find me again though now which is great!

It's rewarding seeing how far I've come/how things seem to be unraveling for her

Hi @Viking64 yeah to be honest I do miss him but I miss the person I thought he was and when we were happy! Not the person he has become! Looking back over the past few months I can see he wasn't very nice and any affection there was between us felt forced! I just didn't want to admit it to myself at the time! But I do still think we could have worked through it but he is obviously never so need to just focus on that and stop going over it in my head!

@Wellyboots86 it's amazingly when you look back and think - I have actually done so well!!

I no what you mean about the lovey moments - same for me also- it's amazing what you don't want to see or admit to yourself in the moment but now when you look back you can see things weren't as great as you thought they were!

It's good that you are trying new things that you want to do that you wouldn't have done before! And also finding yourself again- that's how I feel now! I'm starting to become the person I once was that I actually missed! But didn't realise it at the time! I'm making loads of plans to do things with my DS and also plans with friends! It's lovely to just concentrate on myself and my DS now and not have to worry about him!! I now realise how much I used to put him first and make sure he was ok - and not really think of myself so finding it nice to focus on me

I'm so glad I found this group it has helped so much! Thanks to everyone for sharing their stories! It's such a rubbish position to be in and one that we never thought we would be in - but we are and we are handling it! Wish I could give you all a hug but I can't so here's a big virtual one!!
Xxxx