Does it get better?

[Mambot]

Is been seven weeks since my partner walked out on me and our nearly two year old son in the most horrible way. He blames me for everything, has turned mutual friends and his family against me and is all full of himself arguing 'its time to concentrate on me'.

I don't really get any sleep, am working full time to try and get some money together and my poor mum is looking after my son while I'm there and is also exhausted.

I have nightmares every night about whatever trollop he has gone off with and him smugly telling me why she's better, I have huge amounts of anxiety and chest pain and am finding it very difficult to 'forgive and move on' as all the literature tells me to do. I spend a lot of time hoping he will suffer for the pain he caused all of us.

Please tell me it gets easier. Some days are so hard and I'm crying in work while writing this.

I think what I've got the most out of this thread is that I've discovered that I am kind and I have go feelings towards other people going through a bad time.my wife always said I was hard and had no feelings so I guess she was wrong.

I've been thinking a lot about your recent thread Sunflower4 and that you are beginning to see the cracks that were there.. I don't know whether it's me in denial but I couldn't and still can't see where our cracks were. For me I was happy, content and making plans for the future.. him on the other hand, which now I see, was a very good actor as he seemed to want and feel the same but in reality was living a complete lie! The one thing I do know is I can't change what he has done but I can take back control of my life!! Yes I miss him like hell but this will go with time as some days I don't feel it as bad. I'm getting out more and even experiencing new things in life all thanks to wonderful friends and family. Yes I am still angry, confused, sad and lonely but some days are better than others so I can see progress. Weekends are worst for me .. what about the rest of you? Knowing you are all there to listen helps .. so thank you all.. I hope this weekend is a better one for us all.. we've made it through another week and we can get through the next.. hope you all have a good day

Hi @Newtonml64 - To be honest the cracks in my opinion were fixable, they were due to circumstances and life, we were going through a hard time and he used that as an excuse to go - as soon as things got a bit tough he went when we needed him the most. Marriage vows obviously didn't mean anything to him.

I no what you mean about him being a really good actor - as I sat my STBXH down several times to talk about how things were and his response was he hadn't noticed anything was wrong!!! I was still planning for the future and so was he! Talking about having more children etc and he was so so convincing also! Only now am i seeing things more clearly and realizing that I think he panicked when i had noticed something wasn't right as i think that is the point things were going on with the OW!! so he was trying to throw me off!! I never thought he would lie to me in the way that he has and he kept on lying swearing that there was no one else involved until i caught him!! And even now he is still lying!!

Its natural to feel all of those emotions and they are like a roller coaster - but like you have said you can't control him leaving so focus on the things you can control to make a better life for yourself. I find the weekends harder but i make sure i have plans even if its just taking my DS to the park or visiting family - i make sure i get out of the house! I have the most supportive family and friends which is a big help too! So this weekend make sure you have plans and force yourself to get out of the house even ifits just to go shopping - i find that really helps.

This thread really helps me too! Its good having people there who no how you feel! I honestly believe that we will all come out of this better off - we will make sure we have happy fulfilling lives. I feel you have a choice in how you react to situations in life - you either let them destroy you or you fight to overcome them - and i am a fighter and will make sure i make an amazing life for me and my DS! We can do this!!!!

Have a good day everyone :) xxx

newton I don't think there were any major issues in my marriage, just fell into that monotony of being an adult and parent I think. Social media killed the marriage I think as my stbxw was always looking at what people she did her teacher training with were up to and seeing them on holiday etc when she was "stuck at home". Nevermind that they are all about 10+ years older or have no kids but hey, grass is greener elsewhere right?

Weekends aren't too bad for me as I work 10 hour days sat/sun, my hardest bit is during school hols as that's when she sees the boys more than me due to work.

sunflowers my stbxw's sister (older than her by 2 years) split up with her long term bf about a year before me and stbxw split. Can't help thinking that this added to things as she was seeing them both happy in new lives (they have no kids although were just about to start trying).

viking I'm glad you can see how kind you are to others. I think that part of their justification for their actions is to make out that we've been some kind of emotional ogre etc and that we deserved it rather than them take responsibility for their choices.

They get so wrapped up in the lies that it becomes their truth I think! I've told a lot of people the reasons my stbxw gave as to why she left and their reaction tends to boil down to "well that's just part of being a parent/adult" and "not really a good reason to abandon your kids though".

Hope you all have a nice weekend!

@Wellyboots86 totally agree with the social media thing killing it! But what people fail to see is social media is not a true representation of a persons life! It is what they choose to show people - and a lot of people big their lives up to make everyone thing everything is good! but it really isn't - I always find the people who flaunt their lives all over social media - are the ones who are most unhappy.

I also agree with getting wrapped up in their lies. I think they lie that much that they convince themselves its the truth! I also tell people the reasons and get the same reaction! plus when i tell them what has happened in our lives recently they just can't believe that someone would make such a life changing decision during such a difficult time! All of his family can't believe him and are really supportive of me which is nice as i get along with them really well. They all say they don't recognise the person he has become, so for them to notice shows how much he has changed!

Like you have said previously - they will probably never truly be happy (but obviously convince themselves that they are).Once these new and exciting relationships that are the "love of their lives", hit bumps in the road due to circumstances and life they will realise that life and relationships are not always perfect and need work sometimes. The butterflies in the tummy feeling will fade!!

Have a brilliant weekend everyone xxxx

Sunflowers I think the common thread here is that none of us recognised the person who left us.I find it amazing that all of our stories are identical.I truly believe this thread will run forever and there was I thinking this has only ever happened to me.when cold reality bites then they too will be left in a state of despair that we were in but will no longer be . What a reversal of fortunes that will be.I will show as much sympathy as I was shown .

sunflowers I have the same relationship with her family! Her parents said to me that they consider me like a son and don't want to lose contact. Her sister hasn't spoken to stbxw since I told her about the affair!

@Viking64 - its something that you hear about happening to other people but something you never think will happen to you! I certainly didn't think i would ever be in this situation! I trusted 100% more fool me!

Yep we are not the first this has happened to and sadly we certainly won't be the last. When it first happens to you - you feel all alone and that you are the only person in the world feeling the way you do! So when you find a thread like this its almost like a relief that other people are in a similar situations - and suddenly you no longer feel alone! I can't describe how helpful this thread has been.

@Wellyboots86 - same here! I just hope I can keep a good relationship going with the family even though we are no longer together. I will certainly make the effort for the sake of my son aswell they are such lovely people i am almost more upset that i will no longer be a part of all of their family things than i am losing him haha
All of our mutual friends have also turned their back on him aswell which i find really sad for his sake, as they are really good friends i even tried to persuade them to try and be friends with him still - he can't understand why they are acting the way they are unbelievably!!! I don't think he thought everything through and thought his life would just carry on the same with this OW - he didn't plan on being caught out, i believe his plan was to lie anyone else was involved and then a few months later - miraculously he would have met this OW and she would be accepted into the family and circle of friends and all would be amazing! Well that plan certainly back fired big time!!

sunflowers what gets me with my stbxw is the fact that she's been so callous towards my pain and also how reckless she's been sexually - 2 pregnancy tests since meeting this guy .

Considering she and ds2 nearly died in childbirth I'm amazed she's so stupid. Part of me wants to see her saddled with another child (that I will have nothing to do with raising) and screwing her life up because of all the pain she's caused everyone but at the same time I don't want her dead and my boys without a mum.

@wellyboots86 that sounds awful! It baffles me how quickly these people change and how you don't recognize them from the person you married! Also shocking and heartbreaking how selfish she is that she can put herself in that position knowing how awful her previous birthing experience was, and knowing she could leave 2 boys without a mum. As a woman and a mum i find that really hard to comprehend!

Keep your chin up by the sounds of it you will come out as the better person in this! xx

I get so much comfort from this thread too.

2 things - The sadness does "mug" you doesnt it? I find if I let myself really cry it out, it passes quicker.

Also, weekends are hellish. I used to look forward to coming home to him and our DDs every Friday. I miss that feeling.

BUT for those who need comfort, I have had a few good days too. I know the sad feeling will come again but I feel stronger for knowing that there is life without the cheating barsteward.

for everyone x

New leaf, my ex used to come home on Fridays too. I have found them the worst. Then Saturday mornings, remembering family days out etc I used to be so happy for those days.

Luckily (or not) I worked until 8pm tonight and back in tomorrow at 9 so not a lot of time left to miss him.

X

Ah I misread your post sorry, I thought you meant he came home on Fridays. Same thing though, weekends are tough.

for you Mambot

Sunflower4 we are not the fools they are for not realising what they have lost. I sincerely hope their happiness will be short lived. My friends and family keep telling me once the reality of day to day life kicks in and he is having to parent the OW 13 year old boy he will wake one morning and realise what a fool he has been. By then I hope I have moved on to a happier place... Glad we are all here for each other ... let the tears fall if it helps .. shout out your anger.. don't bottle it up and stay strong... we will get through this nightmare

Hi @newtonml64 you are right they are the fools! My friends and family are saying the same but I really can't see that he will ever regret his actions! He is so sure about what he is doing I'm starting to think maybe him and this OW are meant to be together! Who knows!! I think even if he does end up regretting it he would never mention it - he would be too proud! But I do also hope their happiness will be short lived! Sad thing is I can't imagine ever trusting someone else ever again!!

But we will get through this - I second that!!! Hope you all have a good and positive weekend xx

Hi sunflowers the truth is if they regret it or not if their life is great if it's crap it will have no impact on us going forward.what happened will not determine me and I'm sure once I'm ready if it happens I will trust again .We have to life's short and I wouldn't deny myself possible happiness because of the actions of my long gone selfish wife.Anyway I'll be beating them off soon I'm a very handsome man.....according to my old mum bless her.

I was having a good day until she texted me asking when someone can come around and value the house as "I can't afford to wait any longer".

Ignoring it until I finish work but I won't be agreeing to any sale until I am good and ready!

Good for you wellyboots I'm not going anywhere for at least 2 years that's how long you have to be separated before you have to sell.you wouldn't think it was her children's home

I'm going down the quickie divorce route as I want the records to cite her adultery as the reason for all to see. Might be petty but oh well!

@Viking64 when the time comes I do hope I can trust again. To be honest no matter if he regrets or not doesn't make a difference to me really but I do secretly hope he regrets it in the end so he can experience just a fraction of the pain I have felt!

And mums are always right!! 👍🏻

@Wellyboots86 don't let her rush you. You owe her nothing! Don't let it get you down!

Wellyboots I've decided to drag it out and make her wait this is her sons and my home .she's had it all her own way upto now so I am happy to let it drag on because it suits me but I can understand your course of action though

Sunflowers I know exactly what you are saying. Would they cope as well as we have probably not is my guess

viking I went quick route as hate her having a husband and boyfriend at the same time plus if the kids or anyone ever does a family search I want them to see that she wrecked the family not me!

Me letting her put it on the market doesn't mean I have to say yes to a sale!

Absolutely correct wellyboots. I'd keep that bit a surprise and tell her your not selling after she's put it on the market