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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Does it get better?

999 replies

Mambot · 18/08/2017 11:19

Is been seven weeks since my partner walked out on me and our nearly two year old son in the most horrible way. He blames me for everything, has turned mutual friends and his family against me and is all full of himself arguing 'its time to concentrate on me'.

I don't really get any sleep, am working full time to try and get some money together and my poor mum is looking after my son while I'm there and is also exhausted.

I have nightmares every night about whatever trollop he has gone off with and him smugly telling me why she's better, I have huge amounts of anxiety and chest pain and am finding it very difficult to 'forgive and move on' as all the literature tells me to do. I spend a lot of time hoping he will suffer for the pain he caused all of us.

Please tell me it gets easier. Some days are so hard and I'm crying in work while writing this.

OP posts:
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Viking64 · 30/09/2017 10:19

Hi mambot well here we are again.the only positive thing at the moment is that you've been here before and regardless of how dreadful you felt you came through didn't you.you should probably consider this pain as necessary because every day you feel it is one day nearer feeling pity for him and what he's lost and not upset as to what you've lost.there's no time scale on our grieving but it will hang around for a while.please message me if you want to chat

Viking64 · 30/09/2017 19:21

Bibbidee I don't think they are disordered .I think given the right set of circumstances everyone of us is capable of doing what our partners done regardless of what we say. People drift apart but there are ways and means of ending a relationship and all of us on here have been on the receiving end of the wrong way

Wellyboots86 · 30/09/2017 20:31

There is a big difference between drifting apart and betraying your partner though Viking. I've had the offer from a few women over the years and never ever considered it as loved my wife too much to ever cheat on her.

Viking64 · 30/09/2017 21:34

I know wellyboots my wife was the last person I would ever think would do such a thing.I too have done a stack of reading up since she left and the one thing that I got from it is you can't really ever know someone and I totally agree with you I would never do such a thing but the so called experts in this behaviour insist that given the right set of circumstances anyone can act in a way that even they wouldn't think possible. Knowing my wife for 30 years and how loving and loyal she was made me think they might be right.now don't get me wrong I'm not implying you or anyone else on here would act like that my point was I don't think there is a disorder more of a selfish self centred need .

newtonml64 · 01/10/2017 10:13

Well I feel as though I've been snowballed right back to the beginning!! Last night was a bad night, no sleep from thinking of him being with her, why doesn't he love me, why her, what's wrong with me and the list can go on and on.. reading your conversation Vikibg64 and Wellyboots86 you both make sense to me. It's the "old" him im missing and want back not the man he is now! He says he hasn't changed but we all know that our partners have changed beyond recognition! He doesn't deserve me and I certainly deserve better .. I'm ok saying the words it's finding the strength to move on but listening to you all helps me realise I'm not on my own..

Original poster
Mambot · 01/10/2017 10:26

Thanks so much Bibbidee. I read through those and wish I could convince myself it's him not me. I feel like I'm just trying to convince myself that there's something wrong with him because I can't face the idea that 'we aren't right for each other' but someone else is right for him and he could potentially be happy with that person forever.

Mine was a literal runaway as well. Would be good to PM sounds like there are a few similarities in our situations.

Hope everyone is doing OK.

Newtonml, big hug, sorry I can't offer any support-I'm right where you are, my night went pretty much the same as yours!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mambot · 01/10/2017 10:44

Bibbidee this is something I found by following links you put up by Lisa arendt. Describes how I feel /what I'm going through perfectly, might be useful to a few of us :

www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-arends/the-blame-game_5_b_2809856.html?ncid=engmodushpmg00000009

Sunflower your positivity is great, a real achievement after 8 weeks!

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 01/10/2017 16:42

Viking, regarding the disordered, it's a spectrum so the 'Neurotics' are at one end of the scale and the Narcissists/Psychopaths are at the other end. So we're all on there IYSWIM?

BackInTheRoom · 01/10/2017 16:44

I found this interesting:

www.marriage-success-secrets.com

BackInTheRoom · 01/10/2017 16:45

THIS!

m.huffpost.com/us/entry/805510

Viking64 · 01/10/2017 17:29

Bibbidee that's interesting I'm not sure where I'd fit in

sunflowers4 · 01/10/2017 18:03

@Mambot to be honest My positivity has really shocked me aswell! But I just think the alternative is to let his actions destroy me but there is no chance in hell I will let that happen! I am determined to come out as the better person in this 😊. (Although I am scared one day it will all come down on me like a tonne of bricks and I may not be as strong then!) Don't get me wrong I still have bad days and only last night I felt rubbish and missed the person I married! He was so caring and lovely! And I still find it hard to believe that same person has done this to me! I never in a million years thought he would ever do this, but this is the reality so got to deal with it. It's so sad!

Anyway hope you are all doing ok! It's comforting to know I am not the only one in this horrendous situation! Hugs to you all xxxxx

sunflowers4 · 01/10/2017 18:08

@newtonml64 I can really understand were you are coming from! Only last night I was thinking I really miss the person I married! Was thinking of all the good times we had. But It is the old person we are missing and sadly that person does not exist any more! Which is hard to come to terms with! Hope you are feeling ok as you can see we are not alone in this sadly! But we will get through it 💪🏻💪🏻

I'll leave you with an inspirational quote:

"The greatest strengths are gained when we experience the worst life has to offer"

Viking64 · 01/10/2017 19:07

Absolutely right sunflowers I bet none of us recognised the person who left compared to the loving partner.but all I remember is the one who left that's my coping mechanism

sunflowers4 · 01/10/2017 19:23

@Viking64 that's my coping mechanism too! Scary how someone you have known and loved for so long can just change like that!

Viking64 · 01/10/2017 19:31

Yes it is.I don't hate her more pity I think.she acted in haste. Let her get on with it my life's going on

sunflowers4 · 01/10/2017 19:46

Good attitude to have! Although I still go through different emotions! At the moment I find my self feeling sorry for him- but I wish I never!! And I dot. No why I feel sorry for him because he is with this other woman and feels it's the right thing to do and the best thing for him 🤷🏻‍♀️

Viking64 · 01/10/2017 20:23

My son said my wife came around last week when I was at work and was upset.I showed concern for his sake that's all he's worried about her of course and I felt sorry for her..Oh hold on that's right I didn't,would have a little while ago mind you.

Wellyboots86 · 01/10/2017 21:35

Picked my boys up from her this evening after work and first thing she did was try and discreetly turn her phone screen side down without me noticing which of course immediately got my suspicions up.

Had a look at it when she was out of the room and there were a few brief messages from her boyfriend including a topless picture message (face covered but could tell he is younger than her).

What surprised me is that rather than feeling sad or hurt by it I just felt pity for her as she clearly sees it as something to feel guilty about! Happy to let that guilt fester away as well tbh

newtonml64 · 01/10/2017 22:05

Thank you sunflowers4 your positivity and inspiration is so uplifting. I'm getting tired of talking about him and his betrayal in the hope I can make sense if it ., but I find myself doing it slightly less than I did 8 weeks ago so that's good... a little step further towards the end of the very long tunnel. Keep strong everyone and hope we all sleep well tonight

Viking64 · 01/10/2017 22:14

You will feel the need to talk about them less and less which is a good thing. I didn't even realise I wasn't talking about her until I actually thought about it .onwards and upwards troops

sunflowers4 · 02/10/2017 08:08

I find myself trying to make sense of it all and understand why he has done it! I've asked him the questions I feel I want answers to and he is still lying to me! So I have come to the point where I have thought I am not asking anymore as I am going around in circles and he is not telling the truth so what's the point! As hard as it is I have to stop myself asking anymore questions and try and come to terms with the fact that I may never get all the answers I'm looking for, as I don't think he even knows himself! Plus I think even if I did get answers would that make me feel any better about the whole situation? Probably not! I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I will never understand why he has done what he has done and changes as a person!

Anyway hope you all have a good Monday! It's the start of a new week- let's make it a good one!! X x

Wellyboots86 · 02/10/2017 11:09

Sunflowers I don't think you'll ever get the answers you want/need (none of us will). I doubt they know themselves 100% why they did what they did just went with the passion of it all.

Just remind yourself that knowing 20% or 100% makes no difference to the end result so why waste the energy?

sunflowers4 · 02/10/2017 12:59

Yeah that's what i keep trying to tell myself! No point in wasting my energy on someone who didn't want to put time and effort into a marriage! you are right it makes absolutely no difference at all!! Thanks

I think he has a very unrealistic view of relationships and thinks you should feel in love 100% of the time. Doesn't realise life gets in the way and a marriage takes work!! O well i am sure he will come to figure that out soon enough! Whether that is 6 months or 6 years down the line!! i can't help but think i hope 1 day he regrets what he has done - not that it would make any difference anyway! (but i doubt i would ever know even if he did - he would be too stubborn to admit it)

Hope you are doing ok today? and the boys are doing good!

newtonml64 · 02/10/2017 13:24

Sunflowers4 I'm convinced they don't tell us the answers as they have no idea of the answers. I stopped asking as it was torturing me and why should I let him win? I firmly believe that their betrayal and announcement of finding the love of their Life" is down to pure lust and the butterfly feeling of a new relationship. But that will eventually burn away when reality kicks in. It's at that point the regret and realisation of the pain they have caused and what they have lost will begin to come to the forefront. I hope I'm around to see that and the pain he goes through but who knows. In the meantime I now need to start planning for the future and that means speaking to him to sort out finances etc... but how do I do that? He's cold and arrogant when he messages me and he can prepare what he says so I feel I need to speak/see him and try and get the upper hand.. I need to take back control of my life and not let him win!!!