Does it get better?

[Mambot]

Is been seven weeks since my partner walked out on me and our nearly two year old son in the most horrible way. He blames me for everything, has turned mutual friends and his family against me and is all full of himself arguing 'its time to concentrate on me'.

I don't really get any sleep, am working full time to try and get some money together and my poor mum is looking after my son while I'm there and is also exhausted.

I have nightmares every night about whatever trollop he has gone off with and him smugly telling me why she's better, I have huge amounts of anxiety and chest pain and am finding it very difficult to 'forgive and move on' as all the literature tells me to do. I spend a lot of time hoping he will suffer for the pain he caused all of us.

Please tell me it gets easier. Some days are so hard and I'm crying in work while writing this.

Whatnow - my kids are 9 and 15. Both are rays of light and def the reason I get out of bed at the moment. They miss him too though and that adds to my sadness.

Viking - I def gets lots of reassurance from folks on here. I hope one day to help others going through this too!

Wellyboots - yes I totally know what you mean. I had 2 good days and then was devastated to find myself low again. He gets into my head so easily. I need to find a way to keep him out!

NewLeaf74 if you find a way of keeping him out of your head let me know your secret. One minute I'm fine and feeling strong and then wham he's there back in my thoughts. Just when you think you're having a fairly good day

Newleaf you said you had 2 good days bet you didn't think you'd even have them.soon it will be 4 days and so on. Of course you will take backward steps so be prepared for those unavoidable really.my son is 24 and he misses his mum like crazy.I've got friendly with a woman as friends but my son said oh I've lost mum now I'll lose you as well. His feelings are my priority. I think my wife can do that to us and that exclude me from having female friends.seems fair doesn't it.

Newton and Viking -

Viking64 I hope that one day we will find our happiness once we get through this thick fog. It doesn't matter how old our children are they still feel the hurt and betrayal we feel. We are there for them as they are there for us. My children are 21 and 22 and want nothing to do with their father and say never will but I'm sure with time that will change. I would never stop them from seeing their dad if that's what they want but I no longer encourage this , I keep quiet. His words were that the kids are adults and expected them to take the news better!!! The only contact he makes is the odd message no phone call or ask to meet them but I am here to pick up the pieces and always will. As you are there for your son. Strength will come from our children to keep us going and one day we will find that happiness.

Newton and Viking, I envy you both in a way. At least your kids are old enough to be able to talk to you about what's happening and share their feelings. I'm constantly looking at my toddler thinking "is he happy? Does he understand what's happening?" Etc. At least the baby has got a clue!

I really hope we all come out of this better and happier people (and secretly hope all the cheaters bounce from unhappy relationship to unhappy relationship)

Hi

I am going through a similar thing. My husband left me almost 8 weeks ago, saying the classic "I love you but I am not longer in love with you" line. Denied there was anyone else involved to everyone, 2 weeks later caught him with someone else! Says he's sorry, that what he's done is unforgivable blah blah blah all the usual rubbish! Now a few weeks later he is saying he has only met this woman after he left 🙄😳 which I no is a total lie. He is still carrying on the lies so I'm just leaving him to it! We too only had our first child just over a year ago!

I am the same as you mambot - we had a good relationship had a laugh thought we had a really strong marriage etc we have got some tough times this year but thought we were a good team and we could get through it - how wrong I was!!! He is like a totally different person/ someone I don't even recognise it's really sad!

Anyway now 8 weeks on I am doing better than I thought - still have crappy days but also have more good days 😄

Chin up girls we can do so much better than these so called men, we deserve so much more!! Who wants to be with a cheat and a liar?? Certainly not me 🤷🏻‍♀️

If any one wants to private message me to support each other through this tough time feel free! But I am positive we will all get through this - as difficult as that seems now xxxx

I was with my wife 16 years sunflowers and thought she was my soulmate - scary how much a person can change isn't it?

Health visitor said to me the other week that childbirth can massively change someone's personality due to the hormones and that definitely feels like a factor in my case.

I hope you continue to have more good days than bad and we're all here for you if you need a chat

@Wellyboots - Thats a similar amount of time i was with my XH.

It is really scary how a person can just flip like that. I do wonder whether its some sort of midlife crisis - but who knows - we are best off without these people in our lives!!

Hope you are doing ok? We will all get through this , 1 year from now we will all be in much happier and healthier places!! :) I truly believe that! We just need to get through this rubbish time first

Lots of hugs xxxxx

Finding out about the pregnancy test threw me for a loop for a couple of days as can't fathom how she'd cope with another child especially as I wouldn't be helping raise someone else's kid!

Feels like she wants to be a carefree teenager again tbh.

Doing ok again now, just need more sleep! Both boys have colds so aren't sleeping well at the moment

Good Morning.
Just came on here for some comfort really. So glad I found this thread.
My husband of 11 months (we couldn't even make it a year!) and partner of 7 years before that, ended things with me almost 2 weeks ago.
I knew it was coming, things have been bad for ages now. I think we only got married to paper over the cracks. To be honest if he hadn't have ended it when he did then I probably would have not long after.
We have a beautiful 2 year old dd together, who we both adore.
As we lived with his Mum, (nightmare! And probably just another thing to add to our list of problems) I have had to be the one to move out. DD has come with me. So it's not just me whose life has completely changed, it's hers too. The guilt I feel is horrendous. Although she takes everything in her stride. We now live with my amazing twin sister and my DD loves her Aunty and Uncle.
So far things between my ex and I have been amicable. We have sorted access between ourselves and financial issues too.
But this doesn't take away from the fact that I miss him so damn much! That person you knew every single thing about, who you shared a bed with and spoke to all the time is now basically a stranger.
And I don't really know what I'm missing about him really. He wasn't really a hands on dad, he always put his mates a little before us and he was so god damn lazy! He treated me like crap most of the time!
I can't stop thinking about who he is with or what's he doing. I busy myself with work, in so lucky I have an amazing family and my daughter has been my survival! But he is still there, no matter how many times I try to not think of him.
Time is a great healer apparently! It's just a shame it's dragging at the moment

Morning lizajane. Sorry things didn't work out for you. Sounds like you have a great family to help you through it all which will make a big difference when you're having a crappy day.

You're probably not missing him but the nostalgic relationship you had before the issues started (same for us all here I think).

Time genuinely does help but don't try to rush things, nothing wrong with putting your needs first sometimes!

Thanks Wellyboots!
Yes, I do think it's the idea of being in a relationship and the daily habits that have changed are really the things that I miss.
My family are amazing, they have all rallied round and made my sisters spare room into such a lovely space for me and my DD.
DD is at her dads this weekend for the first time since it happened so I'm probably a bit emotional about that.
I'm going to try and have a day for me though! I'm picking up my new car soon ( my ex and I shared his car so I wanted my own, had help with that from my rents) and I'm gonna get my hair cut. It's in desperate need! I'll get there

Hi all . Mine was a 'Runaway Husband' or 'Wife Abandonment', he basically discarded me in a cafe one day out of the blue. 20 years and 2 kids cast aside. It's been hell but it has got better. Since he left, I realise what my part was in the marriage. I basically was give, give, give and he was take take take. Although I'm lonely, I don't feel so frazzled? The only thing I want now is for there to be less arguments with the DC. Because my STBX won't communicate with me about the kids, it causes massive rows. Eg they don't tell me what plans he's made on his every other weekend with them or he just won't have them overnight but I'm not told this. It's making our home life so unhappy and tbh he's getting away with his nice life, no stress, no kids, younger OW but I have the teens giving me shit and him not communicating.

Hi LizaJane85 I'm sorry to hear things didn't work out but it sounds like you have massive support and that is so crucial right now. Having a loving family who care and even having a couple of close friends who care and want to help is amazing! U will also find that the joy your DC will bring everyday will help keep a smile on your face.

When my husband of 4 years together 6 told me he wasn't in love with me 5 weeks after our 2nd son was born I literally broke, I mean our marriage was by no means perfect but no ones is right? He has suffered from performance anxiety from the day and hour we began a sexual relationship & it never got better & I was willing to stick at but he's the one that got fed up & said he couldn't live like this anymore & since we had kids he said I had changed and there was no fun anymore. I left for 11/12 weeks and cried and cried & thought about the way we were etc it killed me thinking about the good times! Then I moved back in with him been back roughly 12 weeks now & i suppose it was never really on again but it's completely dead in the water now, we have been like friends. He said he doesn't know how to fix it. What I'm trying to say is I have realised since I have come back what I'm not missing anymore. I came back with an open heart but seeing how he is and how much he doesn't want to try for me and the kids has really opened my eyes. I cry far less & I look at him most days and say yeah you aren't the man I feel in love with, in fact I don't really know who u r anymore. I'm looking for someone to live now back in my hometown and of course I'll be taking my 2 boys age 3 & 7 months. I think this time it'll be easier to leave and I won't walk away thinking I'm missing something cause I've experienced now living with the 'him' that doesn't love me.

Not even sure if that made sense. But chin up LizaJane85, if u have your family, your DC & your hopefully your health your winning!! Don't think about what he's doing focus on yourself and your DC, you's r the important ones xx

Hi Bibbidee, I'm so sorry to hear that, it shocks me to think a husband could do that after all that time together, just discard you like that, no respect whatsoever. I mean I feel terrible after only 6 years with my husband but 20? He sounds like he was selfish so and so in the marriage and also now even still out of it! Sounds like you are well rid of him! I'm glad you are not feeling as frazzled about it all & that your days are getting a bit better without him.

I can't even imagine what it would be like dealing with teenagers through all of this as mine 2 r 3 and under so I don't have any advice for u there. I just hope he wises up and gives you the respect u deserve and starts communicating better about the children it's the least he can do.

It really is a mans world!! My husband was my security, he has the great job, I was made to give mines up to stay at home with the kids & he gets to walk away now with no responsibility, is free to date again (if there isn't already someone else) & has lots of money. Me I have to find somewhere to rent, go on benefits for the first time in my life & struggle being a single mother everyday & I can forget about dating not that I would want to of course but I would never have the time anyway xx

Hi everyone, it's good to know so many of us are going through this together. At the same time as I said before it's a pretty rubbish club to be part of.

I've taken a massive step backward this past few weeks. Every day I've been in tears, crying in the way to work in public, crying as soon as my son goes to bed. I want some help desperately to deal with my feelings but I don't have time or money to see a counselor again.

Can anyone give me a bit of reassurance and hope? I'm eaten up by thoughts of him with the ow, how he convinces himself that he was right to leave and that I'm not good enough.

He doesn't even email now (not that I replied to his last one as I'm sick of them). He asked for all these dates that he could see our son so that he could get the time off work and spend extra time with him, then do you now what he did? He took those days mid week and had them instead of the weekend, presumably so he could have weekends free with the ow.

I feel so bitter and angry all the time, and just worthless. If I wasn't good enough for someone as horrible as him to miss out have any regrets, what hope do I have of finding someone decent.

What now, when men leave, they usually have someone waiting in the wings....😕

Mambot, this was never about you, you are good enough, they are disordered people. I'll post some links to show you what I found on my journey of abandonment.

Here's your first link. This lady really helped me. I read her book too:

www.chumplady.com

Thanks whatnowat! Your post has really helped. The way I look at it is he's missing out. He was never really there when we were together, so I'm not missing anything really! I'm so lucky to have my family and friends and a daughter I adore. Trying to focus on the good things

Mambot:

www.guystuffcounseling.com/counseling-men-blog/bid/84686/How-Do-Men-Cheat-Here-s-How

Lisa Arends is the owner of this website and author of a book. She's also on Facebook and replies to messages:

lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com

This guy explains Character Disorder' on a spectrum. I found his explanation very helpful:

www.drgeorgesimon.com/the-character-disturbance-spectrum/