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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Does it get better?

999 replies

Mambot · 18/08/2017 11:19

Is been seven weeks since my partner walked out on me and our nearly two year old son in the most horrible way. He blames me for everything, has turned mutual friends and his family against me and is all full of himself arguing 'its time to concentrate on me'.

I don't really get any sleep, am working full time to try and get some money together and my poor mum is looking after my son while I'm there and is also exhausted.

I have nightmares every night about whatever trollop he has gone off with and him smugly telling me why she's better, I have huge amounts of anxiety and chest pain and am finding it very difficult to 'forgive and move on' as all the literature tells me to do. I spend a lot of time hoping he will suffer for the pain he caused all of us.

Please tell me it gets easier. Some days are so hard and I'm crying in work while writing this.

OP posts:
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Amaz24 · 08/01/2018 19:28

I'm so pleased for you moomin and it gives me hope!!!
My husband keeps going on how awful it is for him and what he has lost and no money etc! It's his fault. He said we would be In the same situation eventually affair or not but we're here with you having an affair!! Makes me angry, how dare he say what he's lost, I have no say. Yes I'm in the home that I may not get a mortgage on my own so may have to sell the family home, move child etc , yes I have our child which he does see whenever he wants, money is ok for us at the min ( I was always the bigger earner and paid a lot anyway) so that's ok!!Angry

MoominCake · 08/01/2018 19:43

How stressful for you Amaz24, I really feel your pain. I know full well I will have to sell our family home this year and clearly that is no small undertaking with kids and it's so unsettling for everyone. What I can tell you is that all the rage I felt has disappeared. At one point it was actually propelling me forward. I was absolutely furious when I went for my job interview! It must have helped focus the mind! But now, without me really realising it, it has all gone away. I don't know whether that is just my body's survival instinct, perhaps yes because I couldn't carry that around with me and function properly in my job which is senior and demanding, or as a mum and so on. I'm not ready to forgive, but my energy is devoted to my new life and becoming strong again and happy with who I am. DD is thriving at a new nursery too and very happy.

Amaz24 · 08/01/2018 20:08

My child is 6 so he is up and down! I dread if I have to sell the home and how he would be with it. I don't think I can afford anywhere where I live and get a mortgage. But if I moved back to where my family are I could own at least 1/3 of a home due to the deposit that was mine in the first place, wouldn't have to rent, we would be financially secure as long as I got a job, shouldn't be a prob as I'm a senior nurse.

Ilovecrumpets · 08/01/2018 20:11

Moomin that is lovely to hear, you must feel a million times lighter now the anger has gone ( as well as the two stone!). That’s where I hope to end up too, living my own life not looking at his.

MoominCake · 08/01/2018 21:10

That's really tough Amaz24. With my DD so young, she doesn't really know any difference, but I've often wondered how it would have been if she'd been 5 or 6. That said, I think as long as kids know they're secure and loved, they will adapt. I was terrified of putting her into nursery full time, having been a sahm when he left, but she has surprised us all and loves it! And every morning she chats to me about going off to do her job at nursery while mummy does her special job lol! Take some advice from a solicitor if you haven't already. I suspect that with a child, you'll find you're entitled to more of a share of the sale of your home that merely the initial deposit. And I agree, you'll have no issue finding a job as a nurse!

Amaz24 · 08/01/2018 21:17

I have the solicitor and mortgage advisors Wednesday as due to remortgage in a few months!

sunflowers4 · 08/01/2018 21:42

@MoominCake so glad to hear you are doing really well!! Just shows that we can all come out the other side! How long has it been for you now? I feel I am on a similar road to you although not completely at your stage yet! X x

Wellyboots86 · 08/01/2018 21:53

amaz it might be worth looking at an independent mortgage advisor too. When I went to the bank it’s with now they wouldn’t lend to me at all despite being with them 8 years but an independent will lend me enough to get a new place

Amaz24 · 08/01/2018 22:11

Thanks I will book in with an independent one Wednesday as well. Fingers crossed it will work out but I'm not hopeful but trying not to think too far ahead!

newtonml64 · 09/01/2018 06:46

Moomincake it’s lovely to hear your news and your life has taken a positive and happy path. I’m back down in a dip 😥. My DS and DD received a message from their Dad yesterday to say he has moved away to live his life but he’s only an hour away if they need him!! In other words he’s now admitted he’s living with the b*h and moved out of his parents. I’ve found out from his brother that he moved out before Xmas and my mother in law lied to my daughter when she asked if her Dad was still living with them and she said Yes. Now my DS wants nothing to do with her Nanna. Why do I feel like I’ve lost him again, jealous that they have a future together? I’m feeling the physical pain of heartache again, I wish it would stop. My DS mental health is in crisis as he had s relapse last week, which I’m trying to support him with along with his counsellor. My stbxh has no idea what his DS is going through and I feel angry that he can walk away and not even question what’s happening with his sons health. I need to get some fire in my belly and start moving on.. I feel that this is just the start of what he’s gonna throw at me and I need to get my strength to fight. I can’t believe after 31 years of marriage it has to come to this. It’s so sad 😥

BackInTheRoom · 09/01/2018 07:07

@newtonml64

My STBX moved in with his DM and she lied about his whereabouts too. He was going out in the evenings meeting his OW. Then he moved in with her and nobody told me or the kids.

My DS has MH problems and is housebound. Not once has his DF asked how he is. He's effectively an alcoholic now since his DF left. My DD now suffers from anxiety and is effectively going off the rails. I cannot share any info about their issues with STBX because he won't communicate with me. He hates me. All my friends and family think it's because of his guilt. I believe this too. It's awful. I am surviving not living.

Wellyboots86 · 09/01/2018 09:33

newton and bibidee sounds like both of your ds are better off without their dad around!

amaz I would’ve been able to buy my current house through an independent but would’ve needed the money from selling it to do so! But at least I know is should be able to get a similar sized place

scotgal2017 · 09/01/2018 14:18

Just an update to say that the copy of my marriage certificate arrived today! i have already messaged one solicitor to ask of I can have a (free if possible lol) consultation about divorce.....I've been thinking about it a lot up til now, going through mixed emotions but i want to move on as hard as it is. I think I know what arrangements I want so as i'm not being greedy (although he earns a very good wage even after tax!) but i will wait and see what the solicitor recommends......

Have just caught up on recent comments, STBX's are just the worst!!! hope everyone's day is going well and stay strong & positive xx

Amaz24 · 09/01/2018 21:33

So it's tomorrow I'm off to see the solicitor and I dependent mortgage advisor for the first time. I'm nervous for some reason. Scared they are going to tell me I have to sell the house as my wage isn't enough to remortgage! Deep breaths, I can do this ..........

Wellyboots86 · 09/01/2018 22:45

Good luck amaz hope it goes well

scotgal2017 · 10/01/2018 13:56

Hope it all went/goes well today amaz x

And hope everyone else has had a positive day today! xx

IrritatedUser1960 · 11/01/2018 10:56

I've said it does get better in a previous post but there are still "those days" even when it is better.
I've been on holiday this week, it's cold, lonely and the lodger is at work and I've been thinking about growing old alone with all my retirement plans turned upside down and it's been really shit.
I realised my mortgage won't be paid off until I'm 66 and I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life.
It's been a really crap and depressing day, I'm heading into work because I can't stand being alone today.
Next week will be different I'm sure but today meh.
Somebody will love you properly one day alittlepiece of me.

sunflowers4 · 11/01/2018 10:59

Hope everyone is doing ok?

Just need to get something off my chest!

STBXH left social media when we split up (so I couldn't find out name of OW) he is back on it now and I now know her full name and have seen more pics! Made me feel abit shit. Feeling angry towards them both again now - feel like messaging her and giving her what for (but I won't).! Just hate what the pair of them have done! Feeling angry and abit sad but not jealous of them she's welcome to him and all his shit! Just don't no why they had to do it the way they did AngryEnvy

Wellyboots86 · 11/01/2018 12:34

That must be so hard to see sunflowers. I keep catching myself looking at her Facebook profile to see if she’s sharing pics of her and om yet (don’t ask me why, sadomasochism maybe)!

Next Tuesday my decree nisi gets read and I don’t know how to feel really, I’m finding life ok with the current balance but the idea of holidays without my old family are still hard to imagine.

newtonml64 · 11/01/2018 12:57

Sunflowers4 I sympathise with you. My stbxh and his bh began their relationship on Facebook and continue to "flaunt" their love and life over it. I have now blocked him, her and anyone associated with them as he began "spying" on our lives and making comments to the children. I feel better now that he is blocked as I am not tempted to look at anything and it doesn't upset me. In his words "he is living his life and is happy with *" so let them get on with it. If they need to advertise and justify their "happy" relationship on social media, whilst hurting those left behind then it doesn't say much about them does it. Hopefully you'll get the strength to block them and remove them from your thoughts.

sunflowers4 · 11/01/2018 13:06

@newtonml64 thanks for the reply Smilehers is private so don't no what she's posted much! And he has quickly deleted a pic he had put up, and removed her from his, as obviously realised people could see, but too late I already did!! Obviously Still hiding her! I have blocked them both as don't want them snooping on me! Smile just knocked me abit really as she's younger and in my opinion prettier so made me feel abit shit! But I'll get through it! Just another hurdle to overcome x x

sunflowers4 · 11/01/2018 13:10

@Wellyboots86 thanks for the reply! They haven't posted of anything together but I have now found out name etc and they were things I didn't no! He is still making a secret of her.

I have booked a holiday this year and so looking forward to it! I think sometimes the thought of something is actually worse than the doing? Maybe you might surprise yourself and enjoy a holiday without her!

I cannot wait to file for divorce and get it done! It will bring a whole lot of new feelings but I just want it done! Has it cost you a lot? I keep putting it off due to solicitor fees being potentially really expensive Confused

scotgal2017 · 11/01/2018 15:35

I unfriended the STBXH a week after he left. he still kept saying things that he could only have known if he had been looking at my Fb page but i still kept him just as unfriended. After he said he had OW I have unfriended all mutual friends and his family (some aren't bothered, some are, one of his uncles even said it's about time you got out of there lol). i then proceeded to ask STBXH why he kept looking at my FB page if I was no longer part of his life - his answer - just nosy! Well now he's blocked!! None of his business is it?? And I certainly am not going to put myself through the torture of seeing who this OW is by looking at his page (although i think he is trying to hide her still as he wants to appear to be the good guy), I don't want to know about them (plus my mindset now is that it's none of my business unless it comes to a point where my kids are involved). Onwards and upwards!

I've just prepared a lot of bank statements and docs as I have an appointment with a solicitor in half an hour....wish me luck!!

Hope everyone is having a good day!! x

sunflowers4 · 11/01/2018 16:16

@scotgal2017 goodluck!! Let us know how you get on!

Yep it's none of my business also! Shouldn't have gone snooping but couldn't help myself! Both blocked now anyway!! X x