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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Does it get better?

999 replies

Mambot · 18/08/2017 11:19

Is been seven weeks since my partner walked out on me and our nearly two year old son in the most horrible way. He blames me for everything, has turned mutual friends and his family against me and is all full of himself arguing 'its time to concentrate on me'.

I don't really get any sleep, am working full time to try and get some money together and my poor mum is looking after my son while I'm there and is also exhausted.

I have nightmares every night about whatever trollop he has gone off with and him smugly telling me why she's better, I have huge amounts of anxiety and chest pain and am finding it very difficult to 'forgive and move on' as all the literature tells me to do. I spend a lot of time hoping he will suffer for the pain he caused all of us.

Please tell me it gets easier. Some days are so hard and I'm crying in work while writing this.

OP posts:
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Wellyboots86 · 04/01/2018 12:06

amaz24 welcome Flowers

It’s hard at the start for sure but it does get easier. I found my kids really got me through some dark times at the start (no exaggeration I genuinely think I’d have taken the final solution without them).

10-20 years seems to be a theme here, they obviously start to get wanderlust and wish they were teens again or something!

We’re all here for each other so don’t be afraid to reach out.

Amaz24 · 04/01/2018 14:15

Thank you wellyboots xxx

Amaz24 · 04/01/2018 14:27

How have people handled their children? We have a 6yo. We told him we are no longer her living together but we love him, we are a family always and not his fault. He keeps asking why it's happened and I don't know what to say.
He's up and down with emotions and it breaks my heart when he's crying.
OH meant to get child from school today but just put his mums getting him as he's busy!!!!! Is this how it is???? OH moans that he's lost everything and doesn't see little one as much and then this!! I'll have to deal with the tears as he thinks daddy is getting him!!!

scotgal2017 · 04/01/2018 15:03

@amaz24 sorry you are now joining us too, what is wrong with all of these people???? as you say Wellyboots it seems to be the 10-20 year mark and then their brains melt.....

the day he left to go to work after we returned from the UK for his mums surprise 60th (he told me 3 days before we left to go to the UK to see family and expected me to act like nothing had happened - how selfish can you be?) I asked him if he wanted to tell the kids, me to tell the kids or do it together. he said do what you think is best. i sat them down the next day and told them myself. I told them what he had said, that he loved me but he couldn't live with me (doubt that was ever true now with hindsight)....my daughter was 13 and was crying with me.....my son is 11 but wasn't that bothered (I thought at that time he wasn't sure of what was actually happening, he is seeing a psychologist for some things and it's hard to tell sometimes what he thinks/feels as he is not very expressive - however now I chuckle as his name for his dad is The Jerk!). i made sure that they knew it was not their fault.

5 months on and they seem okay. I got a message from one of my daughter's friends a while ago to say that he had been through similar (his parents are still together but were close to ending it) and so he was there for my daughter anytime she wanted to speak to him, so I'm glad she has someone she can talk to if she feels she can't talk to me. My son doesn't say much, he told the psychologist he hates his dad etc, so seems to be working through the anger stage. I'm glad mine are older because i would hate to think of how I would pick up the pieces and explain something as difficult as this to a young child so I take my hat off to you @amaz24

As for your OH moaning that he's lost everything, uh whose fault is that exactly??? I had a message during an argument from my STBXH that he moved out and I got everything I wanted!! really? Can't remember the conversation i had with him where i said i wanted him to leave me and our kids!! Think that must have been the conversation he was having with himself in his own head......muppet!!

Amaz24 · 04/01/2018 15:39

Thanks scottgal. Nice to know there is support on here to help all of us through this difficult time!
I'm told time helps! All I can think is roll in 2019 and hopefully that's enough time!!!!

Amaz24 · 04/01/2018 15:39

New to this and a lot of people use abbreviations and I have no idea what they mean lol 🙈
What are the common ones and what do the mean?
Thanks xx

BackInTheRoom · 04/01/2018 17:39

@Amaz24

My STBXH won't do any school runs. Said DD is my responsibility. He sent his mum once. The most hurtful part is that I've learned that family and love don't exist anymore. The children and I are isolated.

Amaz24 · 04/01/2018 18:48

STBH? What's that stand for? Sorry new to this!
I know what you mean by isolated and lonely. I have friends but it's not the same. Miss the general conversation, watching tele etc. It's little one and I and I don't begrudge that but it's hard. It's hard when there in bed and you're alone.
OH said he would continue as he would have picking up when not at work as usual and his Mum gets otherwise. Back at school 2 days and today he was busy!!!! So his mum got. And all I ever hear from him is how he's lost everything family, home, little one etc and he does that!!!! He moans he don't see him as much. Doesn't make sense to me. Seems to forget how it effects me as I've got little one and house. He thinks that's ok then! I don't even know if I can remortgage so may lose our home and have to move. But he doesn't have to worry about that!!! Ahhhhhhh

scotgal2017 · 04/01/2018 21:28

@Bibbidee, I'm totally appalled and shocked by that - how selfish can you get!! does he not have a daughter too, that is really awful and sick if that is the way that he is thinking. For all his faults my STBXH is at least trying to look like a good dad.

I had issue with MIL and SFIL as haven't contacted their grandkids in 5 months (not that STBXH has chased them to ask them to be in contact) surely this is the moment that they need that contact and love the most from their grandparents?? Not even a whatsapp to my daughters phone for her or DS to say happy birthday or happy Xmas. They didn't even need to go through me if they felt uncomfortable with the situation....i blew up to STBXH to say his MIL/SFIL were not getting to see my kids and why - cue the excuses, apologies and presents from them now to my kids!! Through STBXH leaving it has opened my eyes to what a dysfunctional family it is he comes from!! Of course I was overreacting and "punishing them because of my STBXH's actions!! No!! I'm punishing them because of their actions - or lack of it. Ignore me if you like but do not ignore my kids!!

I'm aware I probably sound like a complete psycho at this stage lol, but they just don;t get it. I stuck here in Spain with no family, a few close friends and that's it. I'm a strong woman but an inclination that someone gave a f* about me after 20 years with their son/brother/nephew etc without having to blow up and look like a real b!!!ch would be nice!!

@Amaz24 - best i can give you are ones i use or have seen and figured out for myself (although some could be wrong still lol)

STBXH - soon to be ex husband
STBXW - soon to be ex wife
OW- other woman
OM - other man
WAS - Walk away spouse
LBS - Left behind spouse
MIL - mother in law
FIL - father in Law
SMIL/SFIL - stepmother/father in law

Amaz24 · 04/01/2018 22:04

&scotgal thanks for the abbreviations. I needed them lol x

BackInTheRoom · 04/01/2018 22:28

My STBXH (Runaway Husband) hates my guts. Our DD has developed terrible anxiety about what happened, what he did. She found his sex messages. She would have panic attacks on the way to school and he said it was because I was with her in the car. Our DD misses so much school now, hardly sees her father, I have no one to talk to about her. Her father won't talk to me, his mother ignores me, honestly I feel so isolated now. Nobody cares.

Wellyboots86 · 04/01/2018 22:32

Well stbxw is obviously serious about om as she’s giving him a key to her place after less than a year!

She managed to get locked out yesterday (cue me having to climb her fence and try back door as she’s too short and she had the kids as I was working that evening. Now has key cut and she’s giving him one, in a world where karma exists she’ll come home one day and tv etc will be gone lol!

12 days to go until my decree nisi.

I wish my kids were a bit older as too young to explain what’s going on but then at least they are young enough that it can be their norm and easier to adjust to?

Wellyboots86 · 04/01/2018 22:37

bibbidee that’s terrible, I’m sorry.

Hope dd can come to terms with everything and get back to normal life soon.

Same for your two scotgal.

Amaz24 · 05/01/2018 06:40

So as the title says when does it start getting better????
I know I'm only a month in but god I'm still hurting sooooo much, cry randomly and feel sick constantly!

Amaz24 · 05/01/2018 06:41

It's hard not to fe lonely even tho friends around and little one. It's the times when you did nothing together

BackInTheRoom · 05/01/2018 07:30

Does it get better? I'm 16 months on and I have moments that are normal but for me it's like DDay was last week because my kids and home life are in such disarray. For others it might be different.

sunflowers4 · 05/01/2018 08:39

@Amaz24 I think it depends on circumstances - how old children are , how they are coping , if you are civil with ex. I am almost 6 months in now and I feel a lot better than I did the first couple of months! My DS has got me through some of the tough times he's like my little best friend! I feel I am lucky in a way as he is only very young so doesn't understand, and he will grow up with this being his norm! I still have times where I feel sad or days where I cry but they are becoming less! I still feel sad about the situation I have been put in as it's not what I ever thought or expected to happen (like everyone) but I am actually enjoying finding myself again! I feel I lost a lot of myself during the marriage and have only realised that since we split up! I think it all depends on the attitude you have towards it! Once I found out there was an OW I was devastated but then I made the decision to not let this define me or become bitter! So I have tried so hard to be positive - do things for myself, force myself out with friends (even when I haven't wanted to go) do things with DS that we both enjoy! I am also civil with STBXH - don't like him and hate him for what he has done - but for the sake of DS I want to be civil so he doesn't grow up with arguments etc! Also I felt the anger and bitterness inside me was so unhealthy and I hated that feeling!!

It's different for everyone but i found its taken a lot of effort and sacrifices and putting my own feelings aside in order to feel better! Xx

Wellyboots86 · 05/01/2018 10:31

I found I started feeling a bit more normal after about 4 months and now 9 months on I have maybe one or two really bad days a month.

On average from what I’ve read it’s a month per year you were together to completely move on. It is harder when you have kids and still need to see stbx for sure but it does get easier.

Agree with sunflowers about losing yourself during the marriage

sunflowers4 · 05/01/2018 10:44

Must also say I have amazing family and friends who have been so supportive! Also his family are good friends of mine and have been so supportive also! They don't agree with what he has done and I hope to remain good friends with them! Having that good support network has also been a big help to me

Bradybounce1 · 05/01/2018 13:54

Agree with the losing yourself comment...it's actually unreal how true it is.

I would stay in so she could go out drinking with the ladies.

scotgal2017 · 05/01/2018 14:13

I was feeling positive and fine after 4 months. he then sent me an email rehashing old ground and reiterating why he left (well, no mention of an OW at that time but the usual fluff). Brought me back down again as I thought why send that to me? You want nothing to do with me so why not just keep it to yourself! Started to pick up again and then he drops the OW bomb......now I've decided to file for divorce I'm beginning to feel more in control and positive again.....I think it generally comes in waves.

I think me and the kids are quite lucky in a sense as because of the nature of his job he works away for weeks at a time and so we are used to him not being here and having our own routine. He was sometimes away for birthdays, Xmas, NYE and so I think it's easier to handle these as perhaps we have just subconciously treated it as him being away working like normal. If he had been a 9-5 , 5 days a week worker i think I would have found it a lot harder to handle....

Hope we are all doing well today - one day at a time!!

PS Wellyboots, I need a TV, he took the 65 inch one on finance with hi when he left, didn't even buy a cheapo one to replace it for the kids so if you happen to find a "spare one".... Smile

Wellyboots86 · 05/01/2018 14:49

Next time I jump her fence scotgal

Layniboggs123 · 05/01/2018 17:47

Hi all hope this year is a better one for us all. I just don't get stbxh at all he's out feeding ducks with her dc's going on family walks all that I begged him to do and he would rather go to the pub! Ive stayed away from his Instagram don't know why I had the feeling to look (he's not private) and it's full of him her and her dcs not one of his own son .I'm do mad that he has changed his life for her but couldn't do it for us.

scotgal2017 · 05/01/2018 18:32

@layniboggs123 how awful for you and DS! These people really do not have a grasp of reality.

BackInTheRoom · 05/01/2018 19:37

@Layniboggs123

It's a front. His best behaviour. They cannot keep this up and it will crumble, eventually the badness will seep out!