Does it get better?

[Mambot]

Is been seven weeks since my partner walked out on me and our nearly two year old son in the most horrible way. He blames me for everything, has turned mutual friends and his family against me and is all full of himself arguing 'its time to concentrate on me'.

I don't really get any sleep, am working full time to try and get some money together and my poor mum is looking after my son while I'm there and is also exhausted.

I have nightmares every night about whatever trollop he has gone off with and him smugly telling me why she's better, I have huge amounts of anxiety and chest pain and am finding it very difficult to 'forgive and move on' as all the literature tells me to do. I spend a lot of time hoping he will suffer for the pain he caused all of us.

Please tell me it gets easier. Some days are so hard and I'm crying in work while writing this.

Hi all. Wishing you all a better 2018, new year is a strange one isn't it? I had a good time with friends BUT I had to make myself scarce a few times when certain songs came on and when I thought about him with OW . It made me sad. I know they don't deserve our energy or thoughts but it creeps up on you doesn't it. I'm with you wellyboots86 just wishing for a bit of karma to visit them . I've made resolutions to get things moving and start my new life and see it as an opportunity - that's how I feel now, let's hope it continues. Keep your chins up and we'll all get through this by supporting each other X x

There are some songs I can’t listen to anymore wintersnow also can’t listen to Heart fm anymore due to their ed sherhan obsession for the same reason.

On the flip side, I listen to lyrics closer as a result of her betrayal and every now and again I hear a song that really makes me feel stronger and we will get there in the end

i've decided that i am going to find out about filing divorce here. i had a look for my marriage certificate yesterday and it looks like he's taken it in a bundle of papers he took with him, so i've ordered a copy and will wait for it to arrive before I can go any further.

hope you are all having a good day today!!

Wellyboots, I've been trying to avoid the radio too, there was one song i liked in the charts recently called Havana.....until DD said dad's going on holiday to Havana!! Can't listen to it now!!

Good luck with it all scotgal. For me it’s “everything” by Michael buble as it’s our first dance song and “perfect” by ed Sheerhan because of the lyrics summing us up.

Pretty much any ed sheerhan actually as we’d had it on repeat whilst marriage died, Bruno mars and Michael buble in general as we used to always listen to them in the car, I could go on and on!

No what you mean about songs happened a few times New Years eve for me too! But tried not to dwell on them!

Anyway happy new year! Let's hope 2018 is better for us all! Hope everyone is feeling ok? Looking at starting divorce proceedings this month - been putting it off and really not looking forward to it but something that has to be done! I just want all of the legal stuff out the way so don't have to worry about it any more! X x

He announced he wanted out on Halloween and finally went on Friday. We had a lovely couple of months and a good Christmas - even though he filed.

It really should n't be happening. He said we had to pretend he was just going away for a couple of weeks to make it easier and has given me so many signs he was changing his mind. I just want him to come back. It is so incredibly sad and unnecessary.
If we had only talked things through and if the divorce system encouraged counselling (I'm not in the UK at the moment).

Meanwhile I have become so self-absorbed I am sure I am pushing my friends away.

I am totally broken. It is the first time in 30 years I haven't at least spoken to him everyday.

I am so sorry for everyone on here going through this. I have never known pain like it.

20thcenturygirl sorry you’re having such a difficult time, the emotional pain can seem unending but trust me it gets easier with time (despite the odd setback).

I know what you mean about not talking everyday, my stbxw was often the only person i spoke to!

Hear if you need to talk either om here or pm

Thank-you so very much Wellyboots86 , just writing it down sort of helps and knowing that there are other people out there in the same situation. I am spending all of my time reading a stupid website called Divorce Busters which tells you how to win them back.

20thcenturygirl and wellyboots- I'm the same, everything just stopped- the texts you would send and notes you leave for each other. Just knowing there was someone who cared for you all gone. You'd imagine they would miss it too, but I suppose they are too loved up with each other to notice. I wish mine could have talked to me instead of choosing to have an affair.
Anyway in the words of that most famous song' I will survive!' We all will X

20thcenturygirl the physical pain of having your heart broken feels as though you will never get through it but you will with time. I was married for 31 years, childhood sweethearts. One day I thought I had a good marriage then someone told me he was having an affair and the next day he was gone - that was 5 months ago. It was like walking your way through a dense fog but getting nowhere. I wanted him back so much, missed our daily chats, felt lonely in bed but he didn’t feel the same. Despite him telling me he was leaving to get his head straight he lied and continued to see the b*h. They are still together now. I guess what I’m trying to say is that with time it gets easier but it’s not without its downs. It’s like being on an emotional rollercoaster. I found writing my feelings down helped, writing him a letter but not sending it just to get it out of my head. Use those close around you to support you, you will need good friends and family. I’ve also had counselling which helped and just finished reading the book Runaway Husbands by Vikki Stark which is written as if it were about my life, a very eye opener book. We are here for you. Don’t be frightened to let your feelings out, they are better out than in.

@20thCenturyGirl so very sorry you are also going through this! As others have said the pain is at times unbearable but we have been through it and it will get easier I promise! It's not going to be easy and there will be little knock backs but the saying time is a great healer actually rings true! If you look back through the posts all our stories are very similar! The Lies, cheating, the same stories told etc!
There are times I forced myself out the house when I didn't feel like it, dragged myself to the gym etc I have cried and just let myself feel the emotions and it's really helped! I've also written everything down in a letter to him and never sent it and this really helped relieve some of the anger and resentment I was holding on to which was really unhealthy! Big hugs and it will get easier! If you need to talk we are all here! Pm me if you need too xxxx

Now I don't normally watch loose women but it's on. They are talking about destiny- having trouble believing in it. I think a cheater might try and convince themselves and others that it's their destiny to be with the other person (ie 'I couldn't help it, it just felt right', yeah yeah- ) but is it our destiny to be left on our own, broken hearted, devastated and worried about finances and the future. Sorry feeling down today after highs of Christmas and new year.

Sorry you have had to come and join us 20thcenturygirl but it does get better....of course there are ups and downs but we are all strong people who can get through anything we put our mind to! Find what helps and do it: journalling, keeping busy, a kickboxing class, a night out with friends, a hike with your dog......there are so many things to fill the time. I've also been looking at the Divorce Busting website but I've been reading more of the posts about Mid Life Crisis. Not sure if he is having one or is just the selfish, self-centred type just because...

As a general question, does anyone believe that after a long marriage the partner can leave without anyone else being in the picture? STBXH has physically been gone from the home since September but said he wanted to leave end of July......3 days after Xmas he says he has met someone recently and they have met a couple of times.....since I've read 95% of men don't leave unless they have someone else in the wings I'm not sure i believe him! Even if he had her as a friend to lean on before/during the split (i.e emotional affair) is that classed as cheating?? I feel sick thinking he could have been leaning on someone else instead of trying to fix what he had with me......what a coward.

You're right20thcenturygirl, the system should have something in place to say counselling for a month or something should be mandatory.......

Forgot to add to last post, newtonml, if he didn't cheat before he left, is it still worth reading Runaway husbands?

My stbxw started out havin an emotional affair online and it very quickly escalated to sex and now a relationship scotgal*

I’d be very surprised if he isn’t minimising

I don't doubt it. This is the man who 3 years ago decided whilst working in Singapore to randomly tell me he had been to strip clubs and lap dance clubs throughout the whole time we'd been together (17 years that point14 married!!)....just blurted it out because some of the guys he works with were discussing whether they tell their partners about it or not and he just decided he would at that point!! Now to me if it is all innocent you tell your partner the day after, a couple of days after, yes? I nearly walked then but he did the grovelling. I told him it was more him not telling me than actually going. He PROMISED he would always then tell me if he ever went again. It took us a while to get over and for me to build trust again. You guessed it...... late 2016 I see 200 bucks spent at a bar with a dodgy name in Sicily......I did my research as something felt off and guess what kind of establishment it was?? he confessed when confronted with a barrage of anger....his excuse - I knew it would end in an argument so I didn;t tell you!!! FFS!! And this man wonders why to this day I don;t trust what he says......

Scotgal17 I suppose they could leave without any other involvement, however I think it's unlikely.
My Stbxh had an emotional affair for 7 months before he told me, he wouldn't have had the guts to end our relationship or even discuss anything if there wasn't someone waiting to massage his ego. I agree with you- why not try to fix what you have, or at least give it chance? That way you both feel like you have control. It does make you suck thinking they have been sharing intimate thoughts, that's worse than physical in my mind. Mine said they couldn't help it- they are all self delusion narcissists. X X

@scotgal2017 I agree with @Wintersnow17 my stbxh swore blind there was no one else! Even when I found messages still swore they were innocent! He was so convincing I actually believed him! I actually started thinking he had had some sort of breakdown and was encouraging him to go the doctors and he actually played along with that also!! In our whole relationship I had never had any reason to not trust him or doubt him! Then one day I caught him and the OW together! And everything started to make sense all the lies etc! He still to this day says he never had an affair and he met the ow when we split up!! Even though they work together! Unbelievable even now he still lies! His plan was to not get caught and after a few months introduce her as someone he has just met! But that plan back fired big time. There's loads more to it but I can't believe the man I married was even capable of this he's completely different person to the man I married!! X x

@sunflowers4 how awful, they really are a$$holes!! Mine probably found it quite easy as he works away in different countries as part of his job, and for weeks at a time. i don't think I can catch him out but when I think about it, he has a second sim card for his phone....he ran up a huge bill whilst abroad one time (trusted him that much didn't even check it) and so said it would be best to get a second sim...so of course i now wonder if this was so it was easier to not get caught communicating with the OW!! I've been thinking about it tonight since i read posts on this thread, we did argue a lot the last few years....but I wonder if he initiated those arguments to justify leaving...think that is probably the case.

For instance I have 5 tattoos...i have always told him when i am getting them bar one (we split up for a while 2009 and i got it whilst separated) but i always consulted him about them....he said he liked women with tattoos, never had one himself as he couldn't decide what he wanted a design enough to have on him forever (according to friends he now has one within 4 months of leaving me, go figure!!). The week before he said he wanted to leave, i was talking to DD about tattoos and STBXH pipes up "tattoos are horrible".....he said he said it in a jokey way.....no he didn't!!! More ammo to leave it would seem. Seems to me he's been creating more arguments now so he has a justification for leaving....

I'm not a perfect wife by any means, I have my own issues but as I said to him what angers me most is that he agreed to marriage counselling in march last year but it never happened ( he never chased it up saying when is this counselling happening, I'll organise it if you are busy, he just let it fall by the wayside, another sign he didn't want to try), so did he not want to try because he was already involved with the OW??

I can't wait to hand him that bit of paper that says I'm done and F U!!!

Newtonml64 having read your post again it's so similar. Mine said he wanted to sort himself out etc next thing he was seeing her as often as possible. I too miss the chat and companionship- which he has thrown away for a quick thrill. Like a lot of you it smacks of mid life crisis- ticks all the boxes, but doesn't change anything. Like you sunflowers4, I can not believe he is the same man, he was always a bit selfish but this is a complete change, it doesn't make sense. Scotgal2017- they find things to justify their actions- things they won't have said before are suddenly reasons.
Hope you are all ok, I'm finding the highs high and the lows really low at the moment. Probably because of the holiday season. I'm finding keeping busy is one of the best things e. g. cleaning, sorting, tidying, boring but active.
x

Thank-you so much for your kind thoughts.
I am not sure my DH has someone else. He has created a whole new life for himself which didn't involve me. We just stopped communicating properly, wanted the same things but didn't tell each other until it was too late. Just a couple of months ago he said he was content and still admits there is more good than bad in our relationship.

I am so sad that my dogs are missing him dreadfully..

@scotgal2017 yeah horrible to say but there will be things he's not being honest with! My stbxh is exactly the same! I noticed a good few months before he left that there was something not right and I spoke to him about it and asked him out right if there was something wrong and now is the time to discuss it - again he swore nothing wrong he was happy in our relationship and he swore that if he felt there were any issues that he would let me know! Then out of the blue one day I found messages and it all stemmed from there! He didn't have the balls to discuss any issues he had with me and now looking back, it's because he was trying to hide her so he was putting on a front to me that he was happy so I wouldn't suspect! Looking back when I mentioned I felt there was something not right he panicked and was saying anything to throw me off course! Like you I wasn't the perfect wife I had issues aswell - but he didn't even have the decency or any respect for me to sit me down and talk to me! Instead he just lied and lied and I'll never forgive for that! In the couple of weeks when I didn't no there was an OW I was asking him to go to counselling and just try in the marriage and he said no the marriage is over! And then I found the OW and it all made sense! Anyway they are just cowards with no balls to just be honest. They aren't capable of being honest! We are better off without people like that in our lives x x

@20thCenturyGirl

I read all about how to win them back. My findings were that they would never have left if they weren't sure. So when they do leave, it's for good. Hey your situation might be different but that's what I read.

So glad I have found this, thanks for telling me bibbidee!!!

So 1 month ago I found out my husband was having an affair ( the girl put a letter through my letterbox telling me all). I kicked him out that night. He had done this once before and I forgave him but not again so it's def over. We have been together 15 years married 7. We have a 6yo. Brought our 1 st house 1 1/2 years ago. His affair started 1-1 1/2 years ago I'm told.
I'm in the house but scared I can't remortgage on my own!
I'm so sad 😞
Can't eat, sleep or feel I'm functioning properly! Cry constantly at everything 😪
Going on for my 6yo. He knows as we told him we are no longer together. He's up and down understandably. He still sees his dad.
Feel so lost. Love this man!!! Wanted to grow old etc together. Never imagined this.