Hi, have been lurking this evening, unfortunately i haven't read all 30 pages but I think i got about a 3rd of the way there!!
My background and very long story, sorry in advance!!: Met H when i was 17 and a half, married at 21, so married for 17 years, together 20 in total. Two kids, 14 and 11, 11 year old has issues with self esteem and is seeing a psychologist. moved to spain 6 years ago from UK. Turbulent marriage, good and bad, towards end very bad. i had a meltdown at him in March and said we should go to marriage counselling as we had reached a point where we could not try and fix things ourselves - he agreed. Life was busy for various reasons, we had small arguments that led to big arguments, silent treatments etc. and counselling had not been arranged. 1 week after 17th anniversary in July and 3 days before we were flying to UK for his mum's surprise 60th do, he tells me he is leaving. My immediate response if me and kids will move to UK (I'm not the type to beg!). We've had mind games and allsorts before but there was something in his voice that told me this time was serious.
A week spent in UK, I'm expected to out on a fake smile - don't think so! Couldn't he have waited until after instead of trying to make me look like a complete b^^??
He works away for 3 - 5 weeks at a time, has done for 10 years or so and is well paid. he leaves for work day after we return. he sends me messages ( we can't communicate face to face, we've always been very bad communicators) saying he still loves me but can't stay with me. I said i would be willing to try and that he had agreed to go to counselling. Now it's pointless he says and he is leaving.
He finds and apartment in September moves out. Had the cheek to take the only telly in the house (65 inch on payment, but he couldn't buy even a cheap replacement for the kids??) - he even had the cheek to ask me to help him carry the Tv up 4 flights to his new apartment!!
he said he wanted to be friends. In the first week after he left i said okay but changed my mind a week later, it was too hard to contemplate. He kept trying to engage, how are you etc. I told him I was focussing on me and all we needed to communicate about was kids and bills. I started seeing a counsellor on October as i have realised I have issues from childhood (mum left when I was 9) that have never been dealt with and I didn't know it had affected my adult relationships. I wanted to see a counsellor for me. i had to change counsellor as she was rubbish and have now found a good one.
I was feeling fine and one week when he had the kids, about 4 months in he sent an email going over all of the old ground. Why did he do that, it just made me feel worse again!! There was always a hope in the back of my mind that we could work it out. indeed, I had asked him in July what he thought needed change to make the relationship better. he told me 3 things which to me are all fixable with some counselling!!!
Which is now really strange as my counsellor said it is better if he comes to my sessions as we can do separation counselling. I said he wouldn't agree (because counselling is pointless he said) and she asked if she could invite him on my behalf. i agreed and he has said yes!! Only because it's separation counselling and it's to help me!! This was arranged for the end of Jan as he left 3rd december and said he is not back until end of Jan ( so around 8 weeks). before he left we had an argument as he wanted to leave his motorbike in my garage and I said no. he said, i thought we had an agreement I could leave it there for extended periods of time when away. I said no there was no such arrangement! i said he could use MY garage until he had his own, which he does have at his new apartment. A case of trying to have his cake and eat it I'm thinking?? Some of his stuff is still here too and he's been told to get it out asap. Even after all this he has agreed to the separation counselling to go ahead.
have been okay and am now 5 months ish in. Xmas day was hard but me and the kids had fun. There is no family here so it's hard but i'm used to being on my own so often with them anyway. Yesterday morning I got a message from him which said that he wanted to tell me before we went for the counselling in january that he has been seeing someone else....he says they have only met a couple of times and that they only started seeing each other recently.
I'm not sure whether this is true or not as we have had trust issues due to things he hasn;t been honest about in the past but it has made me make up my mind that he is a selfish coward who has deserted his family and i'm moving on regardless!! i also have an issue with his family at the moment too and also his selfishness is showing as it transpires that he is working for 6 weeks and then going on holiday for 2 weeks straight after!! Not even coming home to see his kids beforehand, even though he is then off for 5 weeks. this man is unbelievable!!
Sorry for this rambling mess of a post, to me quite a lot has happened since July lol.