Does it get better?

[Mambot]

Is been seven weeks since my partner walked out on me and our nearly two year old son in the most horrible way. He blames me for everything, has turned mutual friends and his family against me and is all full of himself arguing 'its time to concentrate on me'.

I don't really get any sleep, am working full time to try and get some money together and my poor mum is looking after my son while I'm there and is also exhausted.

I have nightmares every night about whatever trollop he has gone off with and him smugly telling me why she's better, I have huge amounts of anxiety and chest pain and am finding it very difficult to 'forgive and move on' as all the literature tells me to do. I spend a lot of time hoping he will suffer for the pain he caused all of us.

Please tell me it gets easier. Some days are so hard and I'm crying in work while writing this.

My in laws have no interest in om whatsoever so I don’t have that worry.

Stbxw came over to go through Christmas decorations 5e other day and also wanted her stocking (but not sack) so I’m guessing her and om will be doing stockings for each other - her money to waste!

I’ve moved firmly into the pitying and sneering phase now rather than being upset about their relationship, the fact she’s won’t tell anyone anything about him or acknowledge the relationship to anyone tells you all you need to know there!

sunflowers I’m waiting on my decree nisi atm - taking ages. I started the process very early as the idea of her having a boyfriend and a husband at the same time was too hard for me.

Tbh it’s not made a huge difference in terms of making me feel better or worse, just something that I know needs to happen, the marriage is dead and the divorce is just to legally make it so is how I’m looking at it.

Finances were relatively straightforward as not had much to argue over mainly it’s then house sale and that will be after divorce is done.

I’m guessing the New Year will bring the next phase - divorce. It’s just something I don’t want to think about yet. This may sound stupid but I feel that makes it all do final, even though I know there is no going back. The thought of me starting over on my own fills me with dread but also a little excitement.
@sunflowers I have had legal advice so I know what to expect. I was hoping to settle things amicably but not sure that’s possible now but time will tell. It’s good to get some legal advice sooner rather than later so you are prepared and can think about what you would like from the settlement and how you can negotiate that with your stbxh. The other reason I did it was because I wasn’t sure what influence the b*h has over him and what she will be expecting him to come away with. 2018 will be another crap year but hopefully we will come out if it stronger and a better person they will ever be! X

My original hope was that I’d start 2018 as a newly divorced parent but due to slowness of the courts it won’t happen, ah well.

When I said the words “yes, go ahead” to my solicitor I felt a huge wave of sadness immediately followed by the feeling that it was the start of a new beginning, for the better.

Ups and downs are always a part of it but I no longer feel jealousy towards them as I’ve seen how secret she’s keeping things which makes me think she knows it’s wrong and ultimately doomed to fail whereas when I move onto someone else it’ll be for the right reasons.

@newtonml64 I know what you mean about the divorce making it more final. That's how I feel even though I know there is absolutely no going back and whatever we had has gone! I am hoping the thought of divorce is actually worse that the reality! To be totally honest part of me is also holding off on the divorce because that little part of me is hoping he will say he regrets everything he has done .... and then I can start the divorce process and hit him where it hurts (like a pay back)! I no that will probably never happen but a girl can only hope 

@Wellyboots86 I honk we are at a similar point I no longer feel jealousy towards them at all! Pity them more than anything. You are right the whole thing does come with its ups and downs but I am just glad I no longer feel that jealousy and bitter feeling as I felt that totally consumed me and I hated feeling that way!! Xx

Sunflowers, I think you are right when you say they are searching for something that doesn't exist. I have known for a few months and it has got better then I'm hit like a ten ton truck and cry all day. It's 1 step forward , 2 back, but I suppose it's the small steps that count. I do focus on what I can do to make it better for myself.
Newton - I think you're right- I need to look at his behaviour and what he has said on the last couple of months to remind me how he's changed and what a b*h she must be to involve herself in this. Christmas is good and bad- loads to do , but should have been doing them together.
Has anyone spoken to a counsellor- I spoke to one today- she said lots of things that made sense and discussed how cruel and insensitive he sounded from my description- she was able to untangle my thought and let me see how manipulative he is, validated my own thoughts. I never thought I'd be the sort of person to seek counselling.
Today was a better day for me, hope it was for youx

Finances- I think if you could wave a magic wand and just solve the finance issues etc it would get rid of a lot of angst. I think actually that's what a lot of the heart ache and head in the sand stuff is , not wanting to sort out the nitty gritty, but I suppose when that's done it makes it easier to live on .

Move on not live

Struggling a bit!

Have gotten past the anger and do pity them. I do feel protective of her - I feel I know what she is walking in to better than she does.

She forgets I know when she is lying to me so have ignored her minimising it.

I have forgiven but my feelings towards her are a complete mess.

Got to take a page out of Elsa's book..."Let it go"

Hi Mambot, just re reading the posts again. I'm further on than you and thought the pain would never go away but it receded and sorry to say but different pains emerge then they start to pass. That boot in the stomach, physical pain, physical sickness, lack of sleep, not eating, always crying is the most awful , gut wrenching pain anyone can imagine and I feel for you. The only people you would wish it on is them! That pain has gone, now it's the mental anguish of them getting off Scott free and people accepting them - people here are really good and assuring that will pass too X
Hope you are ok x

I'm 16 months along from Dday (Runaway Husband). The excruciating pain has gone but the mental torture continues. Every day. He won't communicate with me about anything not even the children. What I've come to realise is that he didn't suddenly change and become indifferent, cold, unsympathetic, cruel, he was always like this but because I was so busy looking after the home, kids, working, the Mental Load, I just didn't see who he was? I knew unconsciously he was like this? So when we discussed things before he left, I had to keep justifying things to him and kept trying to get him to see and understand things? Not necessarily my way, but how I was feeling or how the kids were feeling? Does this make sense? He had no empathy but I just didn't 'see' it? Now I understand why he dumped me so cruelly that day. He'd had enough! They say it's 'Narcissistic Rage' but I think he was so angry for having to 'compromise' for years it was 'his time now'. He had a younger OW hiding in the background and now him and her are living the dream. No kids, disposable income and peace and quiet. I have two traumatised kids, the bills, a divorce to finalise, the house to sell and one to buy but I am looking forward to no man to look after (no offence to men on here honest). I don't think I want a relationship anymore because I don't believe I can trust my judgement? Anyway I've massively rambled sorry!

bibbidee ultimately he made his choice you didn’t make it for him. Don’t let his actions affect your confidence in finding someone else and don’t worry about trusting your judgement. If he was as bad on day one as he was on dday then you wouldn’t have chosen to be with him so there’s not an issue with your judgement he just changed from the person you loved.

Thank you @sunflowers for recommending Runaway Husbands by Vikki Stark. My copy arrived yesterday and I can’t put it down! It is such an insightful book that I feel will be another tool to get me through this dark tunnel. Highly recommended 😊

@newtonml64 so glad it has helped! I've found it really helpful too!! Xxx

@sunflower is there an alternative/something similar for men?

@Bradybounce1 I've had a quick look and can't seem to find anything about wives! If I come across anything I'll let you know! Hope you are doing ok? Xx

Think I need to invest in this book.im doing really well at minute but sometimes just feel a bit deflated. Stbxh parents are ok with everything now! having him n ow for dinner today and buying her kids a small gift for xmas it just feels after 16 years I have been so easily replaced . I know he's their son but just thought it would take a bit longer for them to accept.i don't know how he's keeping it up been this perfect family man and wonder when he will reveal his true self . He's already showing 2 different people to ds with her he's best dad in world to been worse dad when it's just them 2 and no one there to impress..

Runaway Hubands/Wife

How many of you on this thread are victims of this?

When I say victim, time will tell if we are or if we rise from it... 💐

layni I know it’s tough when everyone seems to be accepting the new relationship like yours didn’t matter! I’m waiting for day stbxw introduces om to family. She’s seeing her sister and parents on Saturday (first time she’s seen sister since we split) so will be curious to know if anything is mentioned or if they just play happy families.

I’m getting more and more suspicious about whether om has met the boys, she messaged me at work yesterday saying she’s going to bring boys over to mine rather than me pick them up as usual. When I asked why she said “going out”. Now I know that’s a lie as she was home all night so now I’m thinking did she pick om up earlier and therefore he’s been in the car with the boys at the very least? Not the first time I’ve thought this either....if he is there now then potentially he’s spending the night when the boys are there as I have to work tonight so unless she’s going to dash home after work and take him home before picking up the boys....

It’s been an intense day today. I had to work last night to avoid working Christmas Eve so stbxw had the boys overnight.

Ds1 said something this morning when I met to pick them up that sparked my suspicions and after a drive over to her house I have finally met om! He wasn’t what I expected (tbh she seems to be slumming it a bit) but it’s good to finally have closure. He told me when they first got together so that removes doubt there too. Apparently this is first time he’s seen the boys and it’s only because of the change in me working last night as normally he’s there on a Monday anyway. He said he has no interest in being a replacement Dad and has his own life to lead...

Wasn’t best pleased with stbxw for not telling me he would be there when kids were, which she has apologised for and I do believe them that it’s the first time he’s been there when the boys are (I think).

Just got letter in the post confirming 16th January for my decree nisi as well, bittersweet again.

Just don’t know whether I’m happy or sad, really don’t see a future with them or me and her but still mixed emotions.

@Layniboggs123 you should invest In the book. I would recommend it. It's helped me a lot! It's made me realise that actually I wasn't as happy as I thought I was in the marriage! And I feel like a weight has been lifted. I feel like my life is less complicated and hectic like it was before which feels good!

It must be so hard for you seeing that his family have accepted her knowing what they have done, I am dreading the day that happens! But I suppose at the end of the day it's their son and there is going to come a point where thy are going to have to accept it! But chin up at the end of the day he can't keep this act up forever- it's already slipping when she's not there so give it time! They won't be as happy as they are making out! In the mean time focus all your energy on you and the kids! Do things that make you happy 

@Wellyboots86 that must have been so awkward! Do you feel better or worse for meeting him? Couldn't imagine having a conversation with the OW to be honest!
Things have become really amicable with the stbxh now- it's made me feel a little sad as sometimes I see a hint of the person I married and I suppose I miss him still- but saying that I do feel a lot happier in my life now without him but still sad if that makes any sense at all xxxx

Sunflowers glad things are amicable for you now but I know what you mean about seeing the hint of the person, I get that quite often when it’s me, her and kids together.

It was weird and it helped in the sense that I had this image of some muscly tall sex god type and he in reality he’s about her height (5’2ish), scruffy looking, tramping beard, bad smokers teeth and generally just not the type I’d think she’d go for - made me feel better about myself physically at least!

Time will tell how I feel about it as I am choosing to believe them that it wasn’t planned and not a regular thing so I’m chalking it up to a one off atm. Think I’ll feel differently if he’s around them a lot more.

The irony is that, as much as I hate him and her for the situation, he was quite polite, apologetic and open when I spoke to him, whether that’s trying to avoid a punch or just who he is I don’t know but it definitely helped that he wasn’t confrontational

@sunflowers it’s so good to hear you are doing well and that things are amicable with your stbxh. I hope I get to that point one day. But I can’t seem to get past the sadness of him living his life without me but with the bh. I’m sure I’ll get there with time and the book is definitely helping.
@Wellyboots what an achievement to have met OM and you are being so gracious. He doesn’t sound much of a catch so you can hold your head up high with a big smile on your face 😉 It sounds as if 2018 could be the start of your new life. The decree Nisi must be so difficult but you have made a massive step forward.
I had my in laws over at the weekend which was quite awkward and I got upset, which set me back a little. It was like the elephant in the room as they didn’t talk about him until I raised it. I can’t tell if they have met the bh and I didn’t want to ask. But I’m glad they came and I had the opportunity to tell them my side. It’s another thing I had hanging over my head which I have tackled and can take another step forward. From the set back I wrote all my feelings down in a letter to stbxh and posted it to him today. I don’t want a reply but needed him to know what I am going through after his abandonment. Who knows whether he will care but it certainly helped me take another step forward.

As Xmas looms this will be a difficult time, I hope we all get through it with some happy memories to remember xx

Weird few days. We have talked more than we have spoken in months. Each day like clockwork we have had a phone conversation.

I have decided it needs to stop and will be asking for space next time she calls.

@Bradybounce1 I’ve cut all contact with my stbxh which has helped. It gives you chance to have a bit of mind space of wondering when the next call, message will come. Knowing that when it does it will set you back. Not everyone can do that if you have children that you still need to discuss so I guess I’m lucky in that respect that mine are young adults. Bite the bullet and talk on your terms if you have to not hers... good luck x