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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Does it get better?

999 replies

Mambot · 18/08/2017 11:19

Is been seven weeks since my partner walked out on me and our nearly two year old son in the most horrible way. He blames me for everything, has turned mutual friends and his family against me and is all full of himself arguing 'its time to concentrate on me'.

I don't really get any sleep, am working full time to try and get some money together and my poor mum is looking after my son while I'm there and is also exhausted.

I have nightmares every night about whatever trollop he has gone off with and him smugly telling me why she's better, I have huge amounts of anxiety and chest pain and am finding it very difficult to 'forgive and move on' as all the literature tells me to do. I spend a lot of time hoping he will suffer for the pain he caused all of us.

Please tell me it gets easier. Some days are so hard and I'm crying in work while writing this.

OP posts:
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Wellyboots86 · 30/11/2017 22:34

I know it’s hard layniboggs but kids don’t grasp the enormity of what’s happened and are easily pleased by new things.
That said as long as he’s happy I guess that’s the main thing.
Still hard for you though but stay strong Flowers

Original poster
Mambot · 01/12/2017 08:03

I'm sorry layniboggs, that's so fecking unfair. Yes, it's good that your son is happy and safe etc but it so unfair.

Conversation with my mum this morning as I brooded over the general unfairness of the situation, she said 'there will be karma because treating people like that will always trip you up somewhere down the line'.

And I bet your son adores you ♥ he will never have that kind of love xxx

OP posts:
Wellyboots86 · 01/12/2017 10:33

Just focus on his and your happiness. Let your ex get himself distracted and eventually karma will emerge.

My plan is just to ignore stuff day to day and hopefully by making the boys my main focus they will prefer being with me rather than stbxw. That’ll be my karma, them choosing me when they get older!

Layniboggs123 · 02/12/2017 08:35

Thanks guys ! Yes ds happiness is the most important thing and is rather that than him feeling uncomfortable! He's a star came home said had fun there nice but missed you. Bless him always puts a smile on my face ❤

MoominCake · 02/12/2017 19:42

Hey everyone, I've been catching up with posts and wanted to send you all a very big virtual hug. It's been an up and down couple of weeks for me as Christmas approaches. I've always loved it and had especially been looking forward to this year as dd is really beginning to understand the magic. I'm taking her to my family for the holidays, 200 miles from stbxh. It's not to hurt him, but I need my tribe around me this year. I'm determined to enjoy it and not just 'get through'. He is going to have her for new year.

In other news, my job hunt has been successful! I start my new full time role on Monday and am excited but also a bit terrified of juggling all these balls in the air. I've had a couple of big cries this week worrying about how I will find the energy to balance it all and carve out a brand new life. But then I remember that the good things which are happening now are because I am making them happen, and that makes me feel stronger and more confident.

Now for more wine and mince pies WineXmas Smile

newtonml64 · 02/12/2017 21:43

Congratulations @Moomincake that’s great news about your new job. You are a strong determined person and that will give you the strength to cope and get through these times. It’s good that you have family around for Xmas it’s important to think about what you need as well as your DS.

I’m trying to get in the Xmas spirit so here’s a picture of my tree that I put up tonight with the help of my daughter. Xx

Does it get better?
Wellyboots86 · 02/12/2017 21:51

Yay! Congratulations moomincake

newton you’re putting me to shame! Haven’t even ventured into the loft for decorations yet, let alone bought a tree! Still, I’m going to get one soon so I can have the best decorations and leave stbxw with the tatty old ones!

newtonml64 · 04/12/2017 06:22

Morning everyone heres hoping for a good week ahead. Big hug to all x

Layniboggs123 · 04/12/2017 07:10

Well stbxh rang last night and admitted the affair. He always said they started after we split but now has told truth even tho I knew it feels awful to be told. Only reason he's told me is to protect his new relationship as he wanted me to confirm that nothing happened while we went away on our 10 year wedding annerversary. When I thought he couldn't going any lower! Must be trouble in paradise . Sending hugs to everyone xx

Wellyboots86 · 04/12/2017 17:40

layni good that he’s finally admitted it, got to wonder why it matters what happened on your anniversary? It was your anniversary so anything happening could/should be expected! She must be the extremely paranoid/jealous type - what a catch!

Wellyboots86 · 04/12/2017 17:41

Maybe you should make out something really smutty happened and twist the knife? Maybe that’s just my bitter side but I’d be tempted Grin

sunflowers4 · 04/12/2017 21:03

Hi, hope everyone is ok? Haven't posted much but been reading the posts!! @newtonml64 hope you are starting to feel any better?

@Layniboggs123 that is unbelievable that he even rang to speak to you about that!! The absolute cheek of him! Anyway it just shows that the OW obviously has trust issues with him!! What kind of relationship is that!! If he can do it to you he can do it to her and she knows that xx

Wellyboots86 · 04/12/2017 21:47

Been out today to see 3 houses, nothing sparking my interest but one was a decent size, would need to be discounted a lot though as needs work.

How have you been sunflowers?

I had a phone call from mil this afternoon about Christmas and apparently stbxw ignores all texts etc that family send, they have really had enough of her it seems....

sunflowers4 · 05/12/2017 19:09

@Wellyboots86 glad to see the house hunting has started! Hope you find something soon!! How have you been?

I am doing well thank you, feel like I have turned a corner no longer feel the anger and resentment - don't feel much towards him really which is a good thing! Obviously still have times I feel sad that this has all happened but feel like I am coping with it better and I am also starting to accept it!!

Was your STBXW not very close to her family when you were together? or is this a big change in her behaviour towards them?

Wellyboots86 · 05/12/2017 20:11

I’ve been a lot better since I saw that text from om - showed me how far she’s fallen and kind of knocked her down from the pedestal I still had her on.

She always used to be close to her family, to the extent that she alienated me from mine and we saw hers a lot more (only realised this recently - benefit of hindsight)so this is a big change (although she’s been getting more and more short tempered with her parents as they are getting older - both now retired - as she sees them as “getting dumber”).

Her sister emailed me about Christmas today and mentioned stbxw hasn’t spoken to her mum in 2 weeks now. Normally they’d talk a couple of times a week.

sunflowers4 · 05/12/2017 20:35

It baffles me how much they change! I often wonder whether this change is a permanent one or a "midlife crisis" that lasts a while then they go back to being the person they where? Not that it matters either way not like we would ever get back together but just something I often think about! My STBXH used to be really family orientated also- still sees his family but MIL commented the other day how much he has changed! (Not for the better) Hmm

Wellyboots86 · 05/12/2017 22:03

I reckon it’s more likely to be the midlife crisis than permanent sunflowers

Layniboggs123 · 06/12/2017 16:30

I know I wish I would have said something at the time but was just in shock. I've since learnt he's not been in the pub hardly he's quit playing foot ball and cut his self off from all his friends and spends all his time with her and her family plus they work together. Part of me think it's cos my house is so close to pub and she obviously has trust issues. Getting the divorce started soon..

Bradybounce1 · 06/12/2017 17:46

sunflowers & layniboggs - I totally relate to how you feel.

I saw something on the weekend that I thought where has this person been hiding for the last 4/5 years.

Who knows getting away from me may be the cure?

Will this person regret? - Probably not but I would never know.

At least I am aware of how little I meant to this person. Shit happens just an unfortunate lesson to learn.

Need to focus on DD and make sure she is ok.

Wellyboots86 · 07/12/2017 07:56

brady "getting away" from you isn't a "cure" it's a way for them to regress to a teenage mentality and try and live without responsibility for a bit.

The shine will wear off eventually and then they are stuck in a new reality as a single parent without a loving partner to help and support them

sunflowers4 · 07/12/2017 14:45

@Bradybounce1 I often wonder if he will come to regret it but like you I would never know! As even if he did he's that type of person that would never admit it! But I am in a much better place now and realise how un happy the relationship this year has made me- a lot due to external circumstances and I still think if he would have chose to stick to his vows we would have got through it! But like you said shit happens and we will come out stronger!!

@Wellyboots86 that's a good way to look at it, hoping this is how it works out and that will be their karma!

Daybyday2017 · 07/12/2017 15:05

@Wellyboots86 - spot on

Bradybounce1 · 07/12/2017 18:10

welly Yeah that makes sense. It means they can blame us and not take any responsibility for their actions.

sunflowers I think that too sometimes that we could have made it. Then I think to myself it's better it happened now rather than 10 years down the line. It was always going to happen one day.

sunflowers4 · 07/12/2017 19:04

@Bradybounce1 that's exactly how I think about it now, glad it's happened now! And it was always going to happen whether it was now or later! Hope you are doing ok? X x

Bradybounce1 · 07/12/2017 19:45

sunflowers

Up and down some days.

Don't really know what to say...

How about you?