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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Does it get better?

999 replies

Mambot · 18/08/2017 11:19

Is been seven weeks since my partner walked out on me and our nearly two year old son in the most horrible way. He blames me for everything, has turned mutual friends and his family against me and is all full of himself arguing 'its time to concentrate on me'.

I don't really get any sleep, am working full time to try and get some money together and my poor mum is looking after my son while I'm there and is also exhausted.

I have nightmares every night about whatever trollop he has gone off with and him smugly telling me why she's better, I have huge amounts of anxiety and chest pain and am finding it very difficult to 'forgive and move on' as all the literature tells me to do. I spend a lot of time hoping he will suffer for the pain he caused all of us.

Please tell me it gets easier. Some days are so hard and I'm crying in work while writing this.

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Wellyboots86 · 19/11/2017 18:48

Got my boys back now, normally I help her unload the car but tonight she said she’d do it, that coupled with how long it took for her to get here from her parents make me wonder if he’s over tonight and hiding down the road. That’ll mean she picked him up with the boys there despite telling me today he’s not met them and not interested in meeting them. Swear her car smelled a bit smoky (she doesn’t smoke) but maybe all this is in my head?

Her mum was saying that the guy sounds like a loser if he’s not helping her financially, around the house or with kids and aparrantly stbxw got all defensive this afternoon and said that everyone obviously thinks she’s a bad mum and I said against her and her choices.

That said, I have my boys back and that’s what matters Smile

Wellyboots86 · 19/11/2017 18:49

That should say is against not I said

sunflowers4 · 19/11/2017 19:55

@newtonml64 I go through phases like this where I just a hit a wall. I was doing well trying to move on then this past week it just seems I’ve hit a wall with it and have started going over things in my head again! It’s just abphase though and we will soon be back to feeling more positive! I too worry about the future and sometimes wish I could see into the future to see if I am happy and if I have more kids. I really want more children and the thought of maybe not having any more makes me sad! But I can’t control that right now so trying not to over think it all too much! What will be will be!

If I am honest I am missing more of being part of a family unit than being married to him if that makes sense?? All I wanted was a family of my own and to bring children up with both parents together and happy! That is what i am struggling with the most! I hate having to share my DS and hand him over!!

@Wellyboots86 the main thing is you have your boys back! Enjoy your night with them! I do things like that though when my DS has been out with his dad I am paranoid she has been with them also! It’s due to the severe lack of trust that we have with them now! I literally don’t trust him one tiny bit X x

Wellyboots86 · 21/11/2017 17:05

Had one of those niggling feelings just now about om so called stbxw home phone as I know she’s at work still. Older sounding guy answered (40ish) and I bottled it and hung up, rang back to try and get his name by leaving a fake message for her but no answer. If he is older then it completely goes against my original theory but could also explain the whole “not interested in the kids” thing and would also explain something I saw ages ago...

I know I know, I shouldn’t care, just hate not having a clue! It could explain why she’s so hush hush with everyone though if she’s embarrassed to be judged...

Daybyday2017 · 22/11/2017 18:22

Hope we are all okay xx

sunflowers4 · 22/11/2017 19:28

Not been feeling too great this past couple of weeks! Need to get my positive head back on!! How about everyone else? Xx

Layniboggs123 · 22/11/2017 20:16

I'm same at min peeked at stbxh fb through a mutual friend n it made me sick ! He's litterely putting every move on face book n how happy he his, I know maybe a show but still not nice to see . He's introducing ds to OW next week I don't know how to feel but he's wanting to so feel like I can't really say anything . Although made it hard to refuse fun packed day at cinema n all trimmings . Just wish I had a crystal ball haha x making me push for divorce now want nothing to do with him..

Daybyday2017 · 22/11/2017 22:15

I had bad day today - I just feel ill. New start tomorrow. Bedtime for me! Love to everyone

newtonml64 · 23/11/2017 06:39

Layniboggs123 They are so cruel flaunting their new life on social media with no consideration to us or their children. I found it humiliating and despite him promising to come off FB he continues so I have blocked him! This is how his affair started, flirting through FB. I hope that if I get the urge to see what he’d doing through friends I have the strength to keep away but who knows! It seems most of us are feeling crap again, could that be to the cold, dark nights which I find so lonely? I’m so glad we are here for each other. Take care x

Wellyboots86 · 23/11/2017 16:20

Well, house is on the market now and I guess it'll be for the best, no clue when I will have the spare time to actually look for a house mind you!

Having a real slump atm, realising how much I still love and miss her which is amazing after what's happened! Need to stop doing things together with the kids I think as it's making it much harder due to how natural it feels

Daybyday2017 · 23/11/2017 16:34

@Wellyboots86 I think you are doing amazing well

Daybyday2017 · 23/11/2017 17:24

Just found out that my ex has been having to stay with his sister on the weekends when ow has her children to stay at the flat. Her partner won't allow him near them.
I'm so ashamed of the hurt they have both caused.

Wellyboots86 · 23/11/2017 18:49

Can’t say I blame the partner, I certainly don’t want om around my kids!

Daybyday2017 · 23/11/2017 19:26

@Wellyboots86 - I agree, I can't believe they have broken two families between them & now my ex is admitting that he's missing his own family

Wellyboots86 · 23/11/2017 19:33

Mine doesn’t really seem to care, think she misses being in a family but not me if that makes sense

Whether that changes when it comes to a head over om not wanting to meet the kids I don’t know...

Just need to stay strong, seeing her pare on tuesday

Wellyboots86 · 23/11/2017 19:33

*Parents

Daybyday2017 · 23/11/2017 19:40

@Wellboots86 no it does make sense - don't think he's missing me not sure anymore. Stay strong

sunflowers4 · 23/11/2017 21:46

@newtonml64 I think the dark nights and the fact it’s the run up to Christmas is what is affecting me the most! It’s just that time of year for families to be together! Still struggling with the fact My little family is no longer and my DS has parents who are not together! That’s my biggest battle at the moment - but I am sure I will come to terms with it -I will have to - it’s just going to take a while!

@Daybyday2017 wonder if this is when reality will start to kick in- I will also not have OW anywhere near my DS!

@Wellyboots86 Yep makes sense my stbxh is the same - he misses being part of a family unit I think but doesn’t miss me! his mum told me he is really missing being around DS all of the time- don’t no what he was expecting or had in his mind with regards to DS! Obviously he is going to see him less as he needs to spend time with both parents separately now!! Baffles me and makes me realise how much he hasn’t really thought it through and how he obviously didn’t even think about DS!

Hope we all start having better days soon! X x

Layniboggs123 · 23/11/2017 22:23

Well stbxh is wanting DS to meet OW on Sunday. I don't know how to feel about it really. DS wants to meet but I just think it's too soon. I don't know what to do for best as I don't want to come off bitter ex when everyone else is happy about the situation.

Wellyboots86 · 24/11/2017 07:59

I would sit ds down and have a grown up chat about it. I.D want to be there for the first meeting in a way as support too

Wellyboots86 · 24/11/2017 14:41

Horrifically bad night’s sleep last night. Woke up in a cold sweat after dreaming about stbxw and om together. Got back to sleep and woken by same again then finally back to sleep for third time and woke yet again after imagining the two of them in my house!

Not an easy dream to have when you don’t know what om looks like but somehow my stupid brain can manage it! Someone I haven’t spoken to in a while asked how things were going yesterday so don’t know if that triggered it

LizaJane85 · 24/11/2017 19:06

I keep having dreams too wellyboots.

Right now I feel like I'm on a never ending merry go round. Especially where my thoughts are concerned. My stbxh and his new gf are all I can seem to think about! I have temporary patches where my mind is distracted by something else but it's my head is saying 'oh, guess who you didn't think about for 20 minutes' and bam, there he is again!

Someone please tell me this is going to get better!!!

Daybyday2017 · 24/11/2017 21:39

Know what you mean @LizaJane85 & @Wellyboots86 we are all going through the same. At least when I am here I don't feel alone. Love to everyone

Wellyboots86 · 25/11/2017 08:47

Had a bit of a chat with stbxw last night regarding house sale etc. hinted that she may want to stay living in a certain area due to om and then just outright said it and her response was "it's really not a factor. My only priorities are the boys and my career". She also said that both her and om know that they won't be together for long and it's just an in the moment thing. He has no desire to be involved in the boys lives and she's not fussed with him meeting them either. Made fairly clear that we aren't getting back together as too far down the road now.
All this helps but also just seems pointless with splitting up the family for a fling with someone she knows she has no future with!
Been looking at houses and surprised with what I think I can get for my money which is a big plus!

Wellyboots86 · 26/11/2017 19:21

So, you know when you have one of those moments where a switch goes off and you just think “I’m glad I not part of that mess”?

Picked the boys up for stbxw an hour ago, youngest was upstairs asleep so she goes upstairs to wake him up and whilst there her phone lights up. I look and of course it’s om. Well, what I read confirmed one thing and also showed me that he will not be a factor for that long as I won’t allow him to meet the boys.

Message read - “my mum’s making me a cheese and ham toasty then I’m off for a shower, roll & smoke a joint then hopefully you’ll be on your way over”

So, confirms he’s younger (my guess 17-25). Shows why she sees no future (too immature to take on responsibility as a “step dad type”) and shows why he will never meet my kids (there is no way a f*cking druggie is being around my kids!)

She really seems to be in midlife crisis mode, younger model, risky sex, Be surprised if she’s not done drugs with him either!