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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Does it get better?

999 replies

Mambot · 18/08/2017 11:19

Is been seven weeks since my partner walked out on me and our nearly two year old son in the most horrible way. He blames me for everything, has turned mutual friends and his family against me and is all full of himself arguing 'its time to concentrate on me'.

I don't really get any sleep, am working full time to try and get some money together and my poor mum is looking after my son while I'm there and is also exhausted.

I have nightmares every night about whatever trollop he has gone off with and him smugly telling me why she's better, I have huge amounts of anxiety and chest pain and am finding it very difficult to 'forgive and move on' as all the literature tells me to do. I spend a lot of time hoping he will suffer for the pain he caused all of us.

Please tell me it gets easier. Some days are so hard and I'm crying in work while writing this.

OP posts:
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sunflowers4 · 13/11/2017 19:04

Sorry to see some of us have had a bad weekend! Thinks will get better!!! Try to keep yourself busy, I am keeping myself busy with getting ready for Christmas and making sure I give my DS the best Christmas after such a rubbish year! I love Christmas and will not let him take that away from me as hard as it is I’ve just got to keep on keeping on!

@Layniboggs123 I no what you mean about karma being on holiday! Hopefully they aren’t away for too long and they bring back gifts for us all Grincan’t wait for that day! (I am hoping that day does come) but in the mean time just remember honeymoon periods do not last and reality is going to come and smack them in the face hard sooner or later! Xx

sunflowers4 · 13/11/2017 19:04

By the way for those of you with young children what are your plans for Christmas with splitting time between both parents? Xx

Wellyboots86 · 13/11/2017 19:13

sunflowers Christmas falls on my normal days with the boys. Plan at the moment is stbxw wants to come over late Christmas Eve and go home after lunch on Christmas Day so that she can do all the fun bits. I was originally against this but then thought how upset I’d be if she turned around and stopped me seeing the boys on her days if it was Christmas etc.

Doubt this is the way it’ll be forever but as it’s their first one I don’t have a problem as long as om has nothing to do with it! I plan on doing fun Christmassy things leading up to the big day just me and the boys so it won’t be like she’s hijacking the whole event...

Biggest question is what’s happening with relatives. I have my mum, my dad and potentially fil, mil and sil to juggle (the last ones as sil still doesn’t talk to stbxw and doesn’t want to see her) over a couple of days, may have to “double up”. I know her family issues aren’t my problem but I still get on well with them all and don’t want them to miss out on seeing their grandson’s/nephew’s over Christmas because of stbxw dramas.

Wellyboots86 · 14/11/2017 08:02

Hope you’ve all had a better night than I have! Had 2 really vivid dreams about stbxw. First one was discovering om was significantly older, had got her pregnant and she was living with him in a caravan.

Second was her being with an 18 yo who got her pregnant and she moved him into her current home.

Both felt so real that I actually believed they were real for a bit. Stupid subconscious!

sunflowers4 · 14/11/2017 18:31

@Wellyboots86 it’s good that you don’t mind doing that! I personally am not at that point and couldn’t do that! I am having DS Xmas eve and he will be having him 6 hours Christmas Day! I no it sounds bitter but in my opinion he lost the right to doing the “fun family” things when he decided to cheat and walk out! He didn’t want to do then when we were together so he’s lost his chance now!

Your dreams sound horrible it’s rubbish but it can only get easier! Have you seen the OM? I go through phases of doing well then I will see something or find something out and feel angry (and hurt) today I was doing well until I picked DS up from him. my DS was playing with stbxh phone and as I went to pick him up seen he had a pic of him and the ow as his screen saver!! How can they move on so quickly without a care for us? I don’t get it?? Xx

LizaJane85 · 14/11/2017 18:47

Aw sunflowers, it’s horrible isn’t it? I hate how quick my stbxh has moved on. He has always been able to get over things quick though. When his beloved grandad died he was back to normal within 3 weeks. I don’t get it!

sunflowers4 · 14/11/2017 18:55

@LizaJane85 it’s rubbish isn’t it!! I no people deal with things differently but are they really getting over it or are they just putting a plaster over it? Throwing themselves into another relationship or whatever because they don’t want to work through their emotions and deal with what is going on inside of them? (Becaus obviously something can’t be right can it??) My stbxh is not very good at expressing his emotions and is very very good at hiding them and also a very good liar (which unfortunately I only recently found out) xx

LizaJane85 · 14/11/2017 19:18

@sunflowers4 exactly what my stbxh is like! He buries his emotions and goes out and gets pissed.
I’m not sure if he is in the rebound with this new girl or not. But it’s getting to the point where I’m past caring! Yeah it hurts but it is getting easier. I’m getting very good at pushing him out of my head.

Layniboggs123 · 14/11/2017 19:32

Hi everyone hope your well.
Stbxh is having ds Xmas eve tgen dropping off teatime,then coming in morning to see open pressies.

wellyboots86 dreams are the worse I have them regular but they are of happier times so depressing when you wake.

I've found out that stbxh is having rows with OW so u were right that face book life is all make beleive x

Wellyboots86 · 14/11/2017 19:35

sunflowers all I’ve seen of him is a mirror selfie that covers his face (but looks younger) and his hand in a sex video they made Angry.

Think that’s why the dreams were so bad as don’t have a clue what he looks like, sounds like etc so mind is free to run rampant.saw a text from him on Sunday calling her baby and saying about leaving her alone for a bit - guessing she told him I was coming over?

I do believe this is a rebound relationship if he’s not fussed about the boys but still hurts

sunflowers4 · 14/11/2017 19:52

@LizaJane85 Not sure how the relationship will work out suppose only time will tell! Part of me is thinking maybe this is the woman for him? And it’s his true soul mate and love? Who knows!! I am a lot stronger than I was and don’t think about it as much as I did! But the slightest thing ( in this instance it was the pic) can bring it all back again!

My stbxh hasn’t even asked if he can come around on Christmas Day to see the opening of presents! And he has insisted he wants to buy his presents separately! He couldn’t even spend an hour with me on Halloween so doubt he would even ask to be honest! I have a feeling the OW has said things about him spending time with us when I am there 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Wellyboots86 suppose the no knowing does make your mind wonder a lot more! I was like that until I found out what she was like. At least him not wanting to be involved with you sons is a relief for you sort of

Anyway on a more positive note - does anyone have anything positive to share about their day? Xx

Wellyboots86 · 14/11/2017 20:01

Erm...talking to a friend on messenger atm about the cake I’m planning on making, looks great in my head but we’ll see.

Toddler has started asking to use big boy toilet now so get to start potty training soon (yay?)

sunflowers4 · 14/11/2017 20:19

@Wellyboots86 cake sounds good, good that you are having a go! And yeyyyyy to the potty training!!

I’m currently in the middle of getting ideas to pimp up the toy ikea kitchen I have bought my DS for Xmas!

Had a fun night with my DS tonight we laughed and danced until bed time , memories like that are so precious SmileSmile

Wellyboots86 · 14/11/2017 20:28

Aww that’s nice sunflowers about to put my two in bed.

Planning on spending Friday evening wrapping presents, making the cake, building some of the presents etc without them both around as they’ll be at hers.

I’ve made the cake once before but simplifying recipe this time and feel like I’m starting to enter bake off level of presentation! Making a train cake and seriously think8ng of using his wooden train tracks etc as scenery to go with it

sunflowers4 · 14/11/2017 20:47

@Wellyboots86 sounds amazing! You need to post a picture of the final master piece! X x

newtonml64 · 14/11/2017 21:43

@wellyboots86 the cake sounds amazing,you must post a picture. I bet the kids will love itWink.

I’ve had another training session which makes me feel good. That’s despite stbxh messaging me an arsey message but I didn’t respond he’s not worth it! A friend said to me the other day she thought I was getting my mojo back, that gave me a boost.

Let’s take the good days whilst they last. Hopefully they’ll come more often with time. Sleep tight everyone.

Wellyboots86 · 14/11/2017 22:24

Saw my dad today and he said I looked so much better than I was 4 months ago. Nice when others notice a change as I think we tend to underestimate how far we’ve come.

I’ll put pic up on Friday night once it’s made (hopefully it’s not a disaster!)

sunflowers4 · 15/11/2017 19:54

How is everyone doing?

@Wellyboots86 that just shows that old saying is true- time is a healer

Layniboggs123 · 15/11/2017 20:38

Yea I'm feeling really good managed to get my 3 stone award at slimming world so I'm on top of the world plus it's my ds 8th birthday tomorrow x

sunflowers4 · 15/11/2017 21:06

Awwwww congratulations @Layniboggs123 that’s brilliant! Ha e a lovely day for you DS birthday tomorrow Grin

Wellyboots86 · 15/11/2017 22:10

Yay layniboggs well done! Hope ds has a great birthday, getting nervous about my cake now...

newtonml64 · 16/11/2017 06:36

Morning everyone I’ve had an horrendous 24 hours I’m afraid to say, all due to social media and his need to humiliate me and the kids! I feel as if I’m back in the fog again and my mind is such a mess. His arrogance, selfishness and heartless attitude never ceases to amaze me, I don’t know why I torture myself. So I’ve now blocked him on Facebook and blocked his number, unfortunately I can’t block emails. Its very unlikely he will contact until he wants to sort the settlement and divorce! I argued with my sisters who were only trying to help and they don’t deserve it. I need to rise above him and start thinking of me and not what was. Thanks for listening, I needed to share to get it out of my head.

Wellyboots86 · 16/11/2017 12:19

newton I’m sorry you had a rough day but good that you’ve severed the social media connection now. Wish I had that willpower as I’m constantly checking in case she posts a picture of the boys etc (never does but still....)

LizaJane85 · 16/11/2017 13:02

Awww Newton, I can sympathise with you! I’m off fb now but that was how I found out my stbxh was in a new relationship. I don’t go near it now and my sister has seized control of it for me. It’s not worth the torture. It hurts, it really does but I say it’s like picking a scab. Until you stop picking it, it doesn’t get better!

I just can’t get used to the fact I’m not his other half anymore. I had to call him regarding childcare for dd and it was so formal and business like. That hurts and is going to take some getting used to.

But how much time has to pass for that to happen? I wish I had the answers now.

Layniboggs123 · 16/11/2017 14:52

Well been to a funeral seeing stbxh inconsolable was really hard I wanted to hug him and go back to how we were, but it's not and it's just cos we're both a little emotional I'm sure he felt same . Anyways time to take my sad face off and happy one back on ready to pick birthday boy up from school xx