Does it get better?

[Mambot]

Is been seven weeks since my partner walked out on me and our nearly two year old son in the most horrible way. He blames me for everything, has turned mutual friends and his family against me and is all full of himself arguing 'its time to concentrate on me'.

I don't really get any sleep, am working full time to try and get some money together and my poor mum is looking after my son while I'm there and is also exhausted.

I have nightmares every night about whatever trollop he has gone off with and him smugly telling me why she's better, I have huge amounts of anxiety and chest pain and am finding it very difficult to 'forgive and move on' as all the literature tells me to do. I spend a lot of time hoping he will suffer for the pain he caused all of us.

Please tell me it gets easier. Some days are so hard and I'm crying in work while writing this.

Bad day today. Keep reminding myself that I and my new shaped family are at the beginning of this journey - about 9 weeks. Feel very shaky and my chest feels like it has a hole punched through it. Keep reminding myself that I'm doing all I can at the moment. Hope everyone else has had a better day xx

I’m with you @Daybyday2017, it’s been a very tough day for me too. I’m almost 6 weeks in now. I went into labour on this day two years ago and it’s brought back all the memories of what stbxh and I went through. I’m trying to get my act together so I can be all professional and fabulous at job interviews over the next few days.

Thinking of you @MoominCake

daybyday and moomincake sorry you’re both having a tough time. fingers crossed for the job interview moomincake!

I’m bracing myself for a real crap one tomorrow night

Hi guys I went a bit AWOL, thanks for letting me join in the thread.

So I’ll give a the story of my life that is a disaster at the minute..

Married 5 years, DD1 nearly 3, DD2 nearly 1

2 weeks ago, husband wanted space, to think about our futures and that high work stress has left him overwhelmed etc Said he needs to put himself first ...

Went to my mums for most of the week, came home and he said he wants a trial separation as he loves me but doesn’t know if he’s in love with me?! Kicked him out as I wasn’t prepared to uproot kids. He came back 3 hours later and got into our bed, next morning said it was a mistake coming home.
Saw him following day, he said thinks we will be ok but he just needs space. He went out that night, heavy drinking and cocaine use.

Saw him next day (not realising that day he was coming down from cocaine) he stunk of booze, was distant with me and kids, I shouted at him asking if he even meant what he said as he’s acting inconsistent and he just said I’m pushing him?! Left it as we were getting no where. Had a big row later that night as he told me rumours were circulating about him and a female colleague, I said why tell me about rumours ?! It’s nothing to do with us? He said he wanted to be honest in case someone messaged me?! I saw red and asked him outright if he was having an affair , he said no and stormed out. Called me to say see me in court for the kids and he’s taking all the money into his own account...!

Few days later we agreed no contact for 2 weeks as he needs to sort himself out and he’s just upsetting me and doing more damage. Said he loves me and isn’t doing this to hurt me that he needs space. I sincerely apologised about my part of the argument and asked if I have him compete space for 2 weeks would it show that I’m sorry - he said yes.

I worked all week in my new job at civil service full time, sorted kids out every morning for nursery and picked them up, sorted out tea etc and bedtimes and literally collapsed into bed. Saturday he has the day off, as we are no contact I call his mum to ask if he could have kids for a few hours so I could have a hot bath and a few hours uninterrupted sleep, he called me to say bring them over at 11am. Took them over, has a go at me saying he had to cancel his plans so I could have a break and I’m selfish?! He shouted at our eldest the minute we walked in for no reason. Asked if he was ok to have them, he said just go I don’t want to look at you, asked why , he said because he’s still angry about big argument. Asked if he hated me, said he didn’t. I said sorry again and I loved him, he said “what do you want me to say to that?!” I just left. I picked up kids 3 hours later as he was moaning he had to get ready to go out, I thanked him for having kids. He just snarled at me, said I hope e has a good night out and I love him, he just walked off.

Find out the next day he’s been dealing and doing cocaine for the last 6 months?! It’s explaining all the erratic behaviour and mood swings, he’s just not the man I married. My DD found empty bags with residue in our junk drawer , horrified I looked through the drawer and found 5 more...

Then a new bank card and pin turn up for him ?!

Pfft so sorry this post was major long guys but as you can imagine my life’s a pile of crap right now!

@Wellyboots86 yep it sadly does seem normal these days! Just wish we didn’t have to go through this as it was avoidable!
I no how you feel about the moving on with another person! That’s what’s got me the most! The fact that they can moved on so quickly and leave people who loved them and believed in their marriage vows! To be honest I can’t see these new relationships lasting! They are based on lies and thrills - now they don’t have to lie so there is no thrill! 🤷🏻‍♀️

Also the last thing I would want is a relationship! I want to find myself and just look after myself and put myself first for a change! But I no what you mean about worrying being on your own forever @Wellyboots86 but just got to put that to the back of your mind for now and focus on getting through these tough times! I am sure we will find love and happiness again when we are ready!!

moomookachu that’s sounds hellish!

Sorry this is happening to you but for your and Ddx2 safety you need to end it with him and seek full custody (possibly even restraining order if he gets violent).

The cocaine use is a huge no no imo and absolutely unforgivable around kids, what if they’d have taken some thinking it was sweets and OD’d?

I know this sounds harsh but you need to give up trying to change him immediately and have as little contact as possible, if he starts getting difficult then threaten to involve police (keep everything you’ve found as evidence).

Get you and kids somewhere safe please as I’ve seen first hand what can happen in relationship breakdowns when drugs are involved (sister was badly abused years ago).

Sorry if this sounds melodramatic but seriously he is scum and not fit to be a father imo, you and kids will be better without him.

@Wellyboots86 Thanks for the reply

I love him but I love my kids more. He’s not the person I married, he wouldn’t ever walk out on a wife and 2 kids. But now this stuff has got hold of him he’s a different person.

He’s not even asked how his children are and doesn’t seem to care if I’m coping.

It’s crushing me what he’s becoming, I can’t even speak to him sometimes because I’m worried how he will react.

As you can imagine my heads just spinning ...

howdy. can I join you? 1 year on from the most horrific year, and its getting shitter. Ex finished things to chase a very young piece of skirt, she took him for every penny then buggered off. he's spent all our savings, won't sell the house etc. he's horrid, doesn't care about the children at all (both under 4), until his parents nag him then he pretends he does, comes down for a day a fortnight and but stays 4 hours and says I didn't allow him to stay longer (not true but he needs to explain leaving so early!). He's awful - threatening, texting, messaging constantly...
You can imagine, the kids are struggling to understand it all, and don't understand why daddy isn't interested in anything they say. argh. it must get better eventually... right!

@moomookachu so sorry to hear you are going through such an awful time! One thing all these people have in common is that they are unrecognisable from the people we married! It’s so sad and hard! However you have the alcohol and drug use thrown in the mix! You definitely need to distance yourself and your children! It sounds like he is trying to turn things around on you- blaming you for the argument - saying you are selfish for asking him to look after His own children, (when you are the one who is trying to keep things going, ensuring everything is kept as normal as possible!! It really infuriates me! ) he is doing this to make himself feel better and trying to convince himself that he has valid reasons to leave!! That is his problem not yours so don’t apologise any more as from reading what you have put I can’t even see why you have apologised he is the one in the wrong!! My STBXH has done similar things and has lied and is still lying now - which I think he is doing to convince himself as no one else believe his lies not even his own family!!

Please don’t give him any more attention - turn all of your focus and energy to yourself and your children!! Do things that you want to do and make yourself happy! These times are really hard you will have highs and lows but you will find the strength to get through this! Your kids will get you through x x

@periwinkleshell hi so sorry to see you are also going through a rough time! He sounds absolutely awful- have you been to a solicitor to get legal advice? To try and sort the house out etc? He sounds so selfish! Hope you are ok xx

periwinkle welcome and so sorry you’re in our position!

I’d see a solicitor for advice on forcing house sale especially if it’s joint owned.

He’ll probably regret his actions later when kids don’t want to see him but that’s his fault! Hope things get easier soon

Thanks for the reply guys it’s really appreciated.

Another night of broken sleep as children had me up a few times and the thoughts kept creeping in.

I’m sat here physically struggling to get out of bed, I’m crying so much inside and I can feel my heart actually breaking, and I feel sick.

I’m 400 miles away from my hometown, my family and friends.

I feel so broken and defeated right now. I feel like I’ve let my girls down, I feel like they would be better off without me.

X

I’m not thinking of ending my life or anything of that nature I just want to disappear into a hole until these feelings go away x

@moomookachu it must be so hard being away from your family and friends as that is the support you need right now! Could you visit a doctor and explain how you feel? You may be feeling depressed which would be very understandable given the situation you are in? I suffer with anxiety and had PND even before all of this happened and I am on medication which I swear has helped me through this also - it’s kept me level headed! Big hugs to you - you will get through this even tho you can’t see it now! You will have bad times like these but you just have to push through it just think of your kids, that will be enough to get you through it! Your emotions will be like a rollercoaster you will get times like these but will also have good times as well! If you ever feel like talking just message on here or send me a private message! You are not alone xxxx

@sunflowers4 Thank you for your kind words.

I’m already on medication for depression, I’ve been on them since March. The meds are keeping me going the best they can. As much as my doctor is fantastic, I’m not sure they can do anything else for me at the moment.

He was supposed to have the kids today so I can go to work, but he has decided his work is more important and has roped his mum into having them although she’s signed off sick for the week.

He decided to tell me this 9pm last night via a text (although I’m not allowed to contact him at the moment)

I really want to switch off my feelings for him. He’s turned into a deceitful snake.

Moomookachu there was times earlier on for me that I thought I was standing on the edge of a black hole ready to fall in but I never I think its a feeling we all experience. You just take it one day at a time and don't think to far beyond that everyday and that will help.Before you know it weeks will have gone by and you do start to feel more able to cope. We've all felt like you do right now on here but slowly we are getting there.

@moomookachu maybe you should see if you can be referred for counselling so you have an outlet to talk to someone face to face?

He is very selfish and is obviously not thinking of anyone else but himself (a typical behaviour that we have all witnessed of our partners on here, they are unrecognisable from the person we knew). Leave him to his selfish ways and focus on yourself and your children, try not to think about how things used to be focus on the now as that is the only thing you can control! Unfortunately you cannot control his actions or decisions as much as they are wrong- we just have to let them do what they want and focus on what we can control! Took me a while to figure that one out but that is something I am living by now! I don’t agree with a lot of things he does or says but I just try to leave him to it now (doesn’t always work sometimes I let him and his actions get to me but it’s a learning curve) xxxx

@sunflowers4 @Viking64 Thank you guys for talking with me at such an early hour.

I’m shaking right now, just giving my children breakfast and I’ve just broke down crying. My daughter said her dad will be home soon, and I just broke down even more. Thing is he hasn’t even definitively ended it, he’s just dragging it out.

I just get the feeling that he’s made his mind up and hasn’t got the guts to tell me. The way he’s been treating me and the kids is disgusting he’s just walked out on us, my heart wants him to come home but my head knows it won’t ever work because he’s done so much damage.

I don’t wanna be with anyone else right now, I’m just scared that no one will want to date a single mum with two children.

I try not to think too far into the future but at the same time it’s the only thing I can control from my decisions? Xx

I’m so sorry for what you are going through moomookachu- these people always transform into complete strangers. It’s been 6 weeks for me so still very much early days and I have times where I just want to sleep, then wake up and I’ve fast forwarded a year and things are better! But dd won’t let me sleep 8 hours, let alone a year! She will get me through, just as your kids will get you through. My stbxh lives with his mum, as did me and dd before he dumped us and I know when dd goes over there his mum does the lion share of the looking after. It does annoy me but dd and her Nanna have such a lovely relationship I just think it’s good they are maintaining that. If he would rather be out with his mates or whoever doing whatever than spending time with his daughter then that’s his loss. It was the same when we lived there. He never bothered with us. I don’t know why I thought it would change now.
Keep your chin up! Things can only get better. Even though it’s still extremely raw for me I can see good times are ahead!!

The thing I struggle with when everything has calmed down, is if stbxh and I will be able to be friends for dd’s sake. He says after the initial hurt has subsided he thinks we will be the best of friends. Is it too early to contemplate this yet and is it stunting my recovery?

@LizaJane85 thank you it’s really appreciated.

I am just absolutely broken. I don’t even know how I’m going to go to work today . Job is absolutely amazing and it’s my dream job, at the worst time.

I spoke to my line manager yesterday and informed her of what’s going on, and mentioned that maybe next year I would try and put a request for a transfer in to my hometown, just so I have more support from my own family. I explained that for the forseeable I would be there, I have six months of probation so obviously can’t do anything before that, but asked if I could work more hours as 30 hours per week give me more tax credits. She said they should be able to facilitate that and just let her know what shift I would like to do, she also explained how it’s a family orientated employer and they would support me as I’d be a single parent with two young children if the worst case happened and he completely abandoned us.

I also spoke to the HR department querying the transfer policy, explained my situation and they said it would certainly be a case for them to seriously consider as I have two dependents etc

I’ve made all these positive steps yesterday to protect myself and the children yet I still have no idea what’s going on. It’s like I can deal with later on but I can’t deal with right now xxx

Sending love to everyone

moomookachu sorry you had such a rough night. Take heart from the fac5 you’re stronger than you think. The you at 6am wouldn’t have had the strength to have the chat at 7am with work so that’s progress right there!

lizajane it’s a fine line between friendship and obsessing over what you had before, I keep straying wildly between the two and it is certainly hampering my recovery but I want the best for kids and they seem so happy when we do stuff all together

@lizajane85 feel we are in very similar positions. My STBXH also has moved in with his parents and i feel his mum does most of the share of DS. I don't feel like he knows how to handle him if he's on his own as he always has the security of his parents there! he doesn't have DS over night due to current job situation, doesn't no what its like putting him to bed or getting up with him - refuses to look for a job that goes around him - i absolutely love it though so its his loss. But i do actually dread the day he will have him over night I'll really miss him :(

Its been over 8 weeks for me and i have smy bad days but also see good times ahead. Still struggling with the "broken family" concept as i mentioned above, but hoping that will get easier with time!

@wellboots - its good that you feel able to do things together for the sake of your kids. I tried it the other day whilst his family was there i went along to something - and he made his excuses and went home! It was only something really trivial aswell. So i thought that was sad that he couldn't even do something for an hour with his own family and his own son whilst i was there! Did i over step the mark and shouldn't have gone as it was his family? or was i right to get involved? If anything i thought it should have been me who couldn't manage to get through it whilst he was there, not him! I don't really no why he went home whether it was because his new partner wasn't happy i was there or whether he just didn't feel comfortable being in the same room? But there are going to be plenty of things we need to co-parent on and i thought he should have just got on with it for the sake of his son putting his own feelings aside - which is what i have had to do! Is your STBXW quite happy to do things with you and the kids as a family?

@moomookachu they are really positive steps that you have taken with your employer and should give yourself more credit for it. I no what you mean about the being in limbo thing - that was the same as me he decided he loved me but was no longer in love with me and said he needed space, asked him numerous times if there was anyone else and he swore blind there wasn't - then i caught him out! Even though catching him was horrible it was a good things because that made things more permanent - because for me regardless of what he said or did was the end of the marriage for me. However he is still seeing her anyway!

Dropped kids off to MIL this morning, she said she doesn’t think he’s coming back at the moment but then beg and saying if we split she will be pissed off with me if I move to my hometown as she thinks the kids won’t have a good upbringing? I said well you need to tell him to come sort his marriage out then, and she said “oh no I do t want to push him”!!

I spoke to my trainer at work today about what’s going on. She said I need to go home and rest, she also said she will see if I can transfer within my probation period as my situation is classed as a hardship.

It’s a little hope there. I realised I’m just not happy living here and I was denying my feelings for a long time due to wanting to please him and his family.

So I’ve snuck off home and having a hot bath and a sleep before picking kids up.