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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Does it get better?

999 replies

Mambot · 18/08/2017 11:19

Is been seven weeks since my partner walked out on me and our nearly two year old son in the most horrible way. He blames me for everything, has turned mutual friends and his family against me and is all full of himself arguing 'its time to concentrate on me'.

I don't really get any sleep, am working full time to try and get some money together and my poor mum is looking after my son while I'm there and is also exhausted.

I have nightmares every night about whatever trollop he has gone off with and him smugly telling me why she's better, I have huge amounts of anxiety and chest pain and am finding it very difficult to 'forgive and move on' as all the literature tells me to do. I spend a lot of time hoping he will suffer for the pain he caused all of us.

Please tell me it gets easier. Some days are so hard and I'm crying in work while writing this.

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Wellyboots86 · 29/10/2017 16:23

layniboggs him flaunting it is probably a subconscious way of projecting the image that he’s happier and everything in life is perfect which in turn hurts you as you’re grieving what you used to have/the injustice of him seeming happier than you.

Social media is a bugger for only showing the part of your life you want to instead of warts and all as we all self edit.

I’m waiting for the day my stbxw acknowledges her new bf to family etc as zero mention to anyone from her still (even though they all know). It’s like a dirty or shameful relationship that she’s scared to be judged for imo

newtonml64 · 29/10/2017 17:37

Layniboggs123 I can sympathise totally with you. My stbxh found his b*h on Facebook and continues to flirt openly with her and her with him. They are like two teenagers not mature adults. Despite my requests for him to come off Social Media he continues to go on so blocking him is the only option and asking others not to let me know what’s being posted! My DD has also blocked him but my DS has kept him on. Since the 12 weeks he walked out he has not seen the kids but instead communicates through messaging which they both ignore! His actions are so immature and not those of a loving Father that my DS and DD had 12 weeks ago.

Layniboggs123 · 29/10/2017 18:16

Yea your both right I wish I'd have not looked but I'll not be doing that again . Newtonml64 he's been the same he sees son on his terms should have been having him tonight but yet again cancelled!! We're not bothered tho I'd rather him be here and he hates going. Next big hurdle will be seeing them together at work as we all work same place but I'll face that when it comes to it x one thing at a time

Wellyboots86 · 29/10/2017 18:22

I can’t imagine how hard it must be seeing your ex flaunting his new woman but part of me feels a bit jealous as at least you both know what the new person looks like. 5-6 months on I still don’t even know what the other guy looks like really, just a few half glanced pics where I can make out that he’s younger (or at least I think he is) than me and her and text messages that read as if they’ve been written by a teenager or 20 something (all lols, emojis, fair play etc).

I know that if I saw a pic of them together it’d be horrendous but at least another puzzle piece would click into place in my head.

Viking64 · 29/10/2017 18:36

I know what my wife's new man looks like he lived 4 doors from me and they work together. Now they do say love is blind but he is damn ugly with a pot belly because he drinks a lot but it wouldn't matter to me what he looked like to be honest. But you are right wellyboots I would want to know what he looked like as well

Wellyboots86 · 29/10/2017 18:42

It’ll probably make me feel really self conscious as I’m guessing he’s “better looking” as clearly sex was a big draw for her but it’d just be nice to not wonder anymore.

At least I know he lives far enough away for me to never bump into him on the street. Don’t know how you avoided running him down tbh, I’d of been tempted!

Layniboggs123 · 29/10/2017 19:01

Wellyboots86 I know what u mean I feel like it's another hurdle done and on to the next one . Feel better now than I did earlier and there was no tears . I did find myself comparing myself to her .

newtonml64 · 29/10/2017 19:51

It’s only natural that we compare ourselves to the OW/OM, I certainly did. She is the total opposite to me, whilst I’m dark and petite she is blonde and tall, in fact towering over my stbxh, that image does put a smile on my face Grin. I tortured myself at first comparing myself against her, thinking she was more glamorous but then her true colours rise to the surface when she messaged my daughter aggressive text messages. This was in retaliation to my daughter’s messages that she had sent to her dad as she is hurt, angry and devastated of what he has done. I no longer look at her with envy as I know I am the better person and I look forward to my karma day.

Viking64 · 29/10/2017 20:08

Lot to be said for dark and petite mate .

sunflowers4 · 30/10/2017 15:33

Hi,

Hope everyone is doing ok? Start of a new week. Hope this is a better week for us all - last week seemed to be a hell of a week for a lot of us!!

Daybyday2017 · 30/10/2017 15:47

@sunflowers4 - At the moment I'm feeling a tiny bit better. I don't expect it to last but I'm enjoying it while it does xx Hope everyone else is okay

newtonml64 · 30/10/2017 16:15

One day at a time.. I’m feeling a bit more positive today. Let’s hope the positivity shines on us all Wink

LizaJane85 · 30/10/2017 18:02

Got through the one year anniversary yesterday. Glad that’s out the way. Feeling a whole lot more positive today Smile

Layniboggs123 · 30/10/2017 19:10

I'm feeling more positive today, I've told ppl to not tell me what he puts on social media and been to see the in-laws which was nice . They are struggling with his behavior too !

sunflowers4 · 30/10/2017 19:58

Glad we are all feeling a little more positive! @daybyday2017 Just take each day as it comes! I’ve found it’s best to not think about the what ifs of the future and just focus on the now! Feeling a lot better and more positive this week after one hell of a week last week! just focusing on me and my DS!

@LizaJane85 That must have been tough but glad you got through it and you are feeling more positive!

@Layniboggs123 My in laws are exactly the same and I find that helps slightly! They all cannot believe his behaviour and are disgusted by it and what he has done! They are really supportive and I’m still good friends with my MIL and SIL and all the rest of his family. And I aim to continue the friendship I no it won’t be the same but they are lovely people and I’m going to make the effort to keep in touch with them! Xx

Layniboggs123 · 30/10/2017 20:16

@sunflowers4 yea there are lovely people too and MIL suffers from mental illness so she it's making her bad which is sad to see . She worries she not going to see ds anymore even tho I've reassured her. Stbxh only visit when he wants something x

Wellyboots86 · 30/10/2017 23:23

I get on really well with in laws still too. Stbxw doesn’t even talk to sister anymore as a result of us separating and looks like her family will have to come to me at Christmas to see the kids as she’s not fussed

sunflowers4 · 31/10/2017 06:15

@Layniboggs123 that is so sad! They don’t realise that it’s not just us it affects it’s the kids and also the surrounding family!

@Wellyboots86 cannot believe that she is not bothered! She is going to regret that so much! I just can’t understand that at all! They are so lucky to have at least 1 parent who cares and has their best interests at heart!

newtonml64 · 31/10/2017 06:27

If there’s one good thing to come out of this awful situation is the stronger bond that grows between us and our kids. We love our kids unconditionally. They will look back on this one day and see a loving strong parent who was there to support them through, what will probably be one of the most devastating times in their life. Could we say the same would be said of our stbx’s? I very much doubt it!

sunflowers4 · 31/10/2017 13:32

@newtonl64 Totally agree - luckily my DS is only young so hoping it has very little impact on him. I no they are still aware that things are different and things are going on. I think he is used to the fact it is just the 2 of us at home now - when i pick him up from his Dad sometimes he cries (which is hard) but he waves bye to him now!
I feel we have a really strong bond he is my little best friend! He has really got me through these past few weeks!!

I think one of the biggest things i need to get straight in my head is the fact that he will be from a "broken" family. I still struggle with this and hate the fact he has put us in this situation, without any thought for his child! But i am sure this is something that i will come to accept and get used to with time. xx

Wellyboots86 · 31/10/2017 13:41

sunflowers I know what you mean about the broken family image, I worry about that too but actually it seems to be increasingly normal nowadays!

Feeling a bit rubbish today as I know she’s off on a “date night” with pos bf tomorrow (that I paid for Angry). My mum called earlier and when I said how I was feeling she said I need to accept the marriage is over - told her that wasn’t the issue and what hurt was seeing her with someone else - -at the same time - - so soon after we split as if the marriage meant nothing but mum didnt seem to understand that.

Wellyboots86 · 31/10/2017 13:42

—at the same time—

Wellyboots86 · 31/10/2017 13:43

Ok, don’t get how to strike through!

Layniboggs123 · 31/10/2017 14:53

Yea that's what get me that they want to be in a relationship so soon after ours has ended .I'm just happy been on my own trying to find myself again. People have said that he looks like her dad cos she looks so young so that's good to here.

Wellyboots86 · 31/10/2017 16:25

layniboggs I’m not looking for someone new either (doesn’t stop me worrying I’ll be single forever!)

Christmas will be interesting as don’t think she’ll say anything to her family and I’m not going to lie to them...