Does it get better?

[Mambot]

Is been seven weeks since my partner walked out on me and our nearly two year old son in the most horrible way. He blames me for everything, has turned mutual friends and his family against me and is all full of himself arguing 'its time to concentrate on me'.

I don't really get any sleep, am working full time to try and get some money together and my poor mum is looking after my son while I'm there and is also exhausted.

I have nightmares every night about whatever trollop he has gone off with and him smugly telling me why she's better, I have huge amounts of anxiety and chest pain and am finding it very difficult to 'forgive and move on' as all the literature tells me to do. I spend a lot of time hoping he will suffer for the pain he caused all of us.

Please tell me it gets easier. Some days are so hard and I'm crying in work while writing this.

mambot I know what you mean about fear of trusting someone enough to be in a relationship after what the woman I thought was my soulmate did but the time will come I’m sure.

You’ve come a long way and remember that it’s really not been that much time since this all started, don’t feel bad for feeling bad, it’s going to take us all months if not longer before we rediscover who we are and move on for good as there’s still so much emotional baggage left over right now.

Equally, yes it sucks that they seem happy and consequence free but again it’s still early and the time will come when they see that they aren’t needed by us anymore and that’s when reality will kick in!

Mambot it's good to hear from you . My old mum would always say love someone but love yourself more .I had a tough upbringing but it did teach me to rely on myself at an early age and indeed love and trust yourself. Might be why I'm ok who knows but you have to be ok don't you.As for trusting again I've not really thought about that one but I do know when and if it happens I will go into it with my mums wise words in my head. I firmly believe it's my wife's loss . Wow I sounded big headed but it wasn't meant like that .

I’m finding I’m feeling a bit more positive each day. Not a lot more but a tiny bit more.

I find sometimes I get a little excited about my future, whereas before with my ex I used to be a bit depressed about it. Cos I felt trapped. His mum and him have their own business, we lived with his mum so I felt like I would never be free.

Now, me and dd can have whatever future we want. And so can my stbxh. Which will probably include partying with his mates, sleeping all day Sundays and relying on his poor mum financially and emotionally until he drives her into an early grave. Oh and not to mention several one night stands, short lived relationships and loneliness.

See he thinks dd ties us together and I’ll be there for him always but he has got it so wrong. Yes dd ties us but only with things to do with her.

Me and him are finished.

Lizajane I think your attitude is spot on . Everyone copes in their own way so there's no right or wrong but my attitude is the same as yours I'm not sure how I would manage if I didn't deal with it any other way

If I dealt with it another way i was meant to say

Exactly Viking. I have started to come to terms with the fact our relationship is over. I can either spend all my time moping or push past it and put a smile on my face. Everyone deserves to be happy! And I’m also beginning to realise no one is responsible for your happiness other than yourself.

@sunflowers4 I know what you mean, they change overnight into someone we don’t recognise, selfish, arrogant and uncaring towards us. That is something I can’t understand, how can someone we know and love turn into such a nasty person? I think we know it’s through their own guilt. They may say they have fallen out of love with us, setting up their future with their new found loves!!! But is that what they want us to hear or to convince themselves that they have made the right choice. Who knows, only time will tell. In the meantime we have to deal with the s**t they throw at us and when we get knocked down once again have the strength to pick ourselves up. I’ve taken another knock back today but he will not have the upper hand. I will rise above it and we can all do it!

@mambot Nice to hear from you!

"I just seethe at the injustice of it all, I know far worse things happen in the world but I just feel so bitter at the lack of karma to be honest. I feel like the universe is punishing me and not him. He lies and gets away with it. " - This sums up exactly how i feel at the moment! I feel so angry that this is happening and that he is getting on with his life not bothered about the trail of destruction he is leaving behind. I just cannot get how he can treat me the way he has treated me - its like he has got zero respect for me and that hurts. I can't believe i married someone who is treating me the way he is treating me. Plus all the lies he is telling and has told even when we were together (that i am now starting to see were all lies). I must say though i do hope Karma is real and that one day he will feel even an ounce of the way he has made me feel - as that small bit of karma would make him crumble. - I must say i no this feeling of bitterness is not healthy as i hate feeling bitter - and i hope this bitterness will pass soon but just wanted to say you are not alone in feeling that way.

I also struggle with feeling i will never ever 100% trust another person again! And he has taken that away from me which also makes me angry. But i am trying not to think about that now as the last thing i want right now is another relationship! I want to spend time with just me and my son and get to know myself again. As Wellyboots said i am sure (and hope) when the day comes we will learn to trust again but at the moment it helps me to just put that to the back of my mind.

@Lizajane - I have also had moments were i am excited about what the future holds and a realization that i can make my future into anything i want and i will make sure its a happy one. Just at the minute i am in this dip i am struggling to see that happy future - but i am sure i will do again!! Also you are spot on when you say no one is responsible for your happiness other than yourself. I have also realized this! I have had moments were i have realized i actually wasn't happy as i was putting his needs and his happiness before my own. And it has taken this awful thing to happen to me to realise this. So now i am putting my own happiness first and doing everything that i want to do and not have to worry about him - i must say it is quite liberating.

@Viking - i am definitely taking your mothers wise words and keeping them in the back of my mind at all times from now on. "love someone but love yourself more" - Thanks for sharing this.

I take strength from the fact that my mum, my dad and my sister all came out of long term relationships (15+ years for all of them) and found happiness again with other people.

Stbxw saw her parents yesterday (still no acknowledgement of new fella so guilty feelings?) and said to her mum that me and her are still really close friends - shows that she doesn’t care what she put me through and obviously oblivious to the fact I’m doing it primarily for the children

I'm at the start of a divorce after 27 years. He left 8 weeks ago for younger OW. I'm getting through a day at a time - hour at a time really. It helps reading all these posts.

It does get better. Even if you can't see it now. My self esteem hit rock bottom when my ex had an affair. We patched things up and it took me two years to truly get over it. But he did it again, with a much younger woman and he left me for that one. I was terrified, and hurt and felt sick to my core.

But every day I got a little better. I made myself see friends, go out even if I didn't feel like it. I threw myself into my kids. Having them really helped - gave me a purpose I suppose, and a focus.

I survived, and more than that met the love of my life. I am happier than I have ever been. I trust this man so trust CAN come back. I never look back, only forward now. I am on good terms with my ex (we have children ) and I never thought that would be possible. There IS life after divorce, and it just might be better.

Chin up

@TwattyvonTwatofTwatsville thank you so much for your post! I am sorry you had to go through that for him to do it again is unbelievable!! But I am so happy for you that you have found happiness again! and it also gives me hope!! So nice that you are now on good terms with your ex - this is what i want to strive for! I am currently amicable (which is really hard) for the sake of our son- but i am just not at a point where i am able to be on good terms yet - how long did it take you to be on good terms with him?

Hi sunflowers - it took a while to get to where we are now. We are 4 1/2 years post separation and the divorce was finalised 2 years ago,

We were always civil post separation, and even amicable in front of the kids, but divorce is awful and it wasn't until the financial agreement was reached that I think we both finally relaxed - it was like a pressure valve had been released and we could relax around each other again. Things really did get much better once the finances were sorted.

I also think that as hurt as I was I ACCEPTED what was happening quite quickly. He made it very clear the marriage was over and although he left suddenly I think that made it easier - like ripping off a band aid. It felt cruel at the time (him running off happily into the sunset with her) but in hindsight I think he did me a favour. Because he had done it before, and because he went without any doubt (in his mind) I knew it was over and there was no coming back from it. I didn't try and fight for him.

His relationship with OW didn't last, which also helped! He is remarried but his new wife has nothing to do with him leaving so I didn't have that particular bitter pill to swallow.

It's horrible, awful, painful but it doesn't last.

Try not to hold on to bitterness- I know people who can't seem to let go and forgive and their whole lives are tainted with it.

I let go quickly no point flogging a dead horse is there. I refuse to look back only forward can't imagine I will dislike her or indeed like her I will have my life and she will have hers . Certainly not a waste of 30 years I have a lovely son and I now know what sort of person is not right for me so . Life is a lesson as they say.

I'm reading through all these posts to pull some strength together to keep going

Daybyday the thing is you do keep going.everyone on here has had very dark days and we are still all here battered and bruised but still fighting. You do get used to it in a strange way and you will turn the corner but have bad days as well. What an interesting coffee morning we'd all have together.

Thank you Viking64. I'm really struggling to get through the days at the moment - I get through an hour then another hour. My daughters are being amazing.

daybyday you have your lovely girls. You will always have them. It will get better, keep seeing friends, keep having a life, even if it feels a bit forced at the moment.

One day you will realise you have actually had fun, one day you will realise you haven't thought about him... it WILL happen, you willl recover from this.

Is it wrong that me and stbxw seem to be getting on really well again? I feel like I should still be bitter and angry (and I still am a bit) but I’m finding increasingly that there isn’t any tension when we are both out together with the boys, feels like how our relationship used to be but obviously it isn’t!

Do I just go for the simple life and carry on as it is with neither of us acknowledging what’s going on with her new fella and the divorce or do I let the bitterness rise up again?

Wellyboots- it’s good things have relaxed between you and your stbxw. But I’d expect as time has passed the bitterness has receded a bit? I wouldn’t let it rise back up again, especially if you are finding things easier. If you can keep friends for your dc then I think that’s brilliant.

It’s my one year wedding anniversary today. Feel like I’ve taken a step back but onwards and upwards! I have to see him later when he drops dd off. Do I mention anything or just keep it brief? Will he mention something? I just don’t know

lizajane thanks. I saw mey on our 4 year wedding anniversary (month and a half after she moved out) and neither of us acknowledged it. I was thinking about it the whole day obviously but tbh I don’t think anything good will come of you bringing it up.

Bitterness has receded I think, I still don’t like the fact she’s with someone else (especially as when I helped get boys ready for bed at hers I saw some of his stuff in bathroom - shower gel etc) and this Wednesday will be tough as I know they have a date night (something I’d originally planned for us when we were together but that she’s now doing with him).

I do seem to be coping better as at keeping my house clean etc as hers was a bomb site last night but that’s just the difference between the two of us I think

OP can you have someone else deal with the emails? As in either create a new address and only use the old one for twat of an ex, or tell him youve been locked out of your old email (likely if bloody hotmail) and give him a new address and let someone else read them, pass on essential info to you and disregard the rest?

Just do not engage at all.

Stbxh dropped DD off this morning and I spotted he has got two tattoos “oh yeah, had them done on Thursday” and has said he has renewed his gym membership. He just needs a convertible and a girlfriend half his age and the full mid life crisis cliché shall be complete.

moomincake ffs what a prat he sounds! What were the tattoos of? Sounds like he’s heading of the rails to crazyville (where my stbxw has taken up residence)

Well stbxh has posted pics all over Facebook and snap chat of him and OW . Zero respect at all it's knocked me sick to stomach I'm not friends with him on social media but someone told me and I stupidly looked. I just don't get why it's affecting me so much . I'm much better off without him in so many ways and if I'm honest I wasn't happy the last few years. Hope karma works soon for me x