Does it get better?

[Mambot]

Is been seven weeks since my partner walked out on me and our nearly two year old son in the most horrible way. He blames me for everything, has turned mutual friends and his family against me and is all full of himself arguing 'its time to concentrate on me'.

I don't really get any sleep, am working full time to try and get some money together and my poor mum is looking after my son while I'm there and is also exhausted.

I have nightmares every night about whatever trollop he has gone off with and him smugly telling me why she's better, I have huge amounts of anxiety and chest pain and am finding it very difficult to 'forgive and move on' as all the literature tells me to do. I spend a lot of time hoping he will suffer for the pain he caused all of us.

Please tell me it gets easier. Some days are so hard and I'm crying in work while writing this.

Viking64 I'm so sorry to hear that your mum has passed away.. sending s virtual hug . Moomincake don't apologise for your long post it's good to get it off your chest. We are all experiencing the same emotions and unfortunately all our partners portray the same selfish characteristic that none of us can understand. But it will get easier with time. I never thought I would get to a point where some point in the day I'm not thinking of him but I've got there now. You sound to have good friends so lean on them and focus your attentions on your DD. We cannot undo what they have done to us but we can take control of our future and rise above their weak, selfish behaviour. I hope you have some good days

Hi hope it’s ok to join this thread @Mambot

Husband has left to work out what he wants from life, marriage, work etc isn’t sure if he’s in love with me but loves me and the kids. Said he needs to put himself first.

We had, what I thought, a strong relationship with normal ups and downs. Said he’s been unhappy for last 6 months but isn’t sure why .

He’s currently sofa surfing while he decides what he wants. I start a new job Monday and it’s a really good job too. His timing is impeccable...

DDs are 2 and 10 months

I feel so alone and live 400 miles from my own family & friends.

This feels horrific, sometimes I’m ok cause my girls need me and sometimes I just break down.

His parents are confused as I am, but they are convinced he will come back once he’s cleared his head. He’s also made an appointment to see GP regarding his depression.

Ugh feel lost and worthless and like everything is a lie... xx

moomookachu welcome.

My stbxw’s parents also think she’ll do e to the realisation she’s made a mistake and want to come back, not any chance of that!

I don the live as far from y family as you but like you said, your girls need you and they will pull you through it all!

It might seem hard some days but it does get easier to deal with, I would say focus on you Andy your girls lives, don’t wait for him to decide what he wants, move on I now your own way and if he still fits in with that then fine but if not you’ll cope I promise

Hi everyone,

Just catching up on recent posts been a busy week which didn’t tart off great but ended good! Had a much needed girls night out last night- completely let me hair down had a brilliant night! (Paying for it today tho )

@Viking64 really sorry to hear about your mum! Sounds like you are coping well! Big hugs

@MoominCake welcome- really sorry that you are going through this aswell! It’s such a horrible time and you have had lots of good advice, when this first happened to me I was broken but as much as it doesn’t feel it now things will get better! These people all have the same totally characteristics! They have turned into people that we do not recognise! I keep finding new things out and realising what kind of person my STBXH has turned into - it makes me sad but also helps me to realise that he is no longer the person I was in love with and I wouldn’t want to be with the person he is now! I find it helps to remind myself of this if I start thinking about all the good years we had together (which now is not happening no where near as often).
It’s such a long hard road and is so unfair but focus on you DD she will get you through these tough times! My DS has been my main focus and has really gotten me through some of my darkest moments! It’s now been nearly 3 months for me and I am feeling so much better and more positive and I am actually enjoying my new little life! Obviously would have liked to have worked on the marriage but that was taken out of my hands so I am just focusing on what I can control- my own happiness and that of my DS. Sounds like you have really good support around you! Lean on those people when you need to! And if you need to rant just come on here - it has been a big help for me

@newtonml64 you sound like you are doing really well!! And things are getting better for you!! Keep going and staying positive!!

@moomookachu welcome and so sorry you are in this horrible situation! I hope you find this board supportive and as helpful as we all have! It’s such a horrible time but things do get better in time! I no it doesn’t feel like that now but they really do! You just need to focus on yourself and your kids now! Your children will get you through this they really will!! Big hugs to you xxx

@Wellyboots86 @moomookachu like you both my inlaws are also very confused and also embarrassed by the way he is acting! They too say one day he will realise but like @Wellyboots86 if that does happen definitely too late! Although right now I can’t imagine he will ever regret it or if he did he would ever admit it! I still can’t believe his actions and how he has changed into a different person! But you never no this could all be a blessing in disguise for us all! As they say - “when one door closes another opens” keep being strong the best is yet to come xxxx

Evening everyone, how are we?

Been a real up and down last few days. Got a text late Friday evening from her asking if I’d like to take boys swimming with her on Saturday morning which we did.

Get a text later on Saturday saying thanks for a nice time, really enjoyed it and could we try and make it a regular thing? I went to my mum’s 70th Birthday that evening (alone) and she messages me a few times saying she hoped I was having a nice evening.

Then today when I pick boys up she barely spoke to me and couldn’t get rid of us fast enough! I suspect that boyfriend was coming over tonight and that’s why but it’s really starting to get in my head how we can go from getting on really well to feeling like I’m literally being booted out the door!

I know the answer is, just ignore her or don’t let her actions undo all the progress I’ve made but it’s confusing when she keeps giving me glimmers of the old life we had.

Yes it's very annoying but bear in mind mate whatever she does your best interest and feelings are of no consequence to her.don't let her behaviour undo your healing .

Well that was heartbreaking! Realised last night she’d forgotten the charger for baby monitor. Was going to meet her halfway as she didn’t want to come all the way here but as boys were asleep she ended up coming here anyway (after I’d offered to go to her’s - guessing he’s there).

Anyway, heartbreaking bit is that eldest was really happy to see her (fair enough) but as she went to leave he kept pushing past to shut the door and yelling “Mummy, daddy stay!” He has never done this before (although he has bawled his eyes out when I’ve left him at hers before).

Could just be a one off as he was asleep before she got here but I just hate the thought that us being apart is upsetting him (her fault I know). That coupled by what I posted yesterday is really screwing my head up

@Wellyboots86 that sounds heartbreaking! Can understand the upset that would cause you! My biggest worry is also how this all affects my DC but I am quite lucky in the sense he is too young to realise what is happening! All I can say is that I no people who have been through similar things and their kids have adapted really well and are absolutely fine - which gives me some comfort! kids are so much more resilient than we give them credit for, fingers crossed it’s a one off and his reaction was due to him being tired etc! But remember this is all her fault and the reaction from your son is something that she has to live with knowing she has caused it!

With regards to your other post- I think it’s really good that you are doing things together for your kids sake but do you think maybe you should avoid doing this until you are further down the line and feeling much better about the situation ? I no for me personally I could never do a day out with him at any point in the near future! Maybe you should start putting yourself first and distance yourself from her just until you feel better? It sounds to me she is playing mind games sending you texts like that! Or if she is being genuine and wants you as a friend you are just not in that place yet and maybe you should put boundaries in place now.
When all this first happened to me my STBXH couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t go on days out with him as a family anymore!! I soon put him straight on that and have made it very clear that we only communicate with regards to dc and that is it- I have also made it very clear that we are no longer friends! This may or may not be the right thing to do but for my own sanity it is what I have had to do and I must say it has really helped me! I wanted him to see the consequences of his actions and make him realise that we are no longer a family! Maybe that’s something ur ex needs also? Stay strong I’ve had a rubbish few days also but trying to get through this tough time x x

Morning everyone. It is amazing isn't it how very similar we all are.My wife keeps telling my son that she needs to speak to me just to make sure I'm ok even though I have made it crystal clear I am not interested in any contact. All my son keeps saying is mum he's fine and he will contact you if he wants to. Both me and my son are of the opinion she's not fine my son says she sounds fed up and she wants to see how I'm coping maybe in the hope that I'm not good either. It's taken this for me to realise I was probably with the wrong person for years . She can't hurt me now which is a good feeling.

You are so right Viking64 at how similar the beahaviours of our stbx's are. My rollercoaster is in a dip at the moment and has been for a few days.. seems I'm not the only one from reading the above. My stbxh is back in my head again after starting up communication again, he's been pleasant, not so pleasant and back to being pleasant! I know I need to ride this storm and will get through it but it doesn't make it any easier. I'm back to feeling sad and lonely but he will not take back control even though the fight is draining. Let's hope today is a better day.

Hi newton yes it is draining.not for them but us.I think one day at a time strategy is how I cope.loneliness can be all consuming but being lonely in a marriage is rubbish as well.Weekends are worse but my mindset is its her loss and whilst I don't care what she does going forward I would like her to realise that even though I wouldn't know.Keep your chin up mate

@newtonml64 - I am right where you are now! At a big dip!!! After finding yet more rubbish out :( Hoping this won't last long and we come out of the dip very soon xxxx

sunflowers you’re probably right that’s it’s too soon for me and the close proximity to her is confusing for sure. The worry for me is that I don’t want the boys to miss out on things like swimming that I just can’t do with them alone and that if I say no to it all now then when I’m ready she’ll hold a grudge which isn’t good for the boys either!

sunflowers and newton sorry to hear you’ve both taken dips too, Ive been out with the boys today as needed some new clothes for eldest and new shoes for me and despite one comment from a well meaning shop assistant when I had youngest’s feet measured upsetting me a bit (“you can go home and tell your wife you’ve done a good job today,” presumptive on her part!) it’s been good as shown me I can cope with feeding, tantrums etc when I’m out alone.

Wellyboots I know what you mean about the comments about the wife . Where I work we get deliveries from the same lorry driver's and in the last week I must have had about a dozen say to me I'm off to see your lovely wife now. I've started to say good for you she left me. The looks I get are priceless I'm finding it amusing now. One driver apologised last week and I said why she never left me for you.Another said last week when I signed for a delivery oh have you got a relative who works over the road I said not for much longer so you do get used to it.

I found it hard at first saying we had split and didn't go into detail, even defending his actions!! Probably part of me was hoping it wasn't happening to me, it would all go away and we'd get back together. Now, however, I'm completely different. If people ask I tell them, I don't sugar coat it and tell them exactly what he's done and how he's treated me, the kids and the rest of the family. Yes it is probably bitterness on my part but I am not going to be judged on his actions as I have not done anything wrong. I'm normally a private person and would keep a lot to myself but I have found by talking openly to others I have gained a massive amount of support! You really learn who your true friends are in a situation like this.

I guess the main reason it got to me is I thought on the way home, “if I was a woman then she probably wouldn’t have said anything at all”. I have definitely noticed a bit of surprise when I tell people I’m a single dad, almost as if it’s unheard of!

It's strange. I've found that when I do the shopping women stare at me then look into my shopping trolley to see what I've bought and I don't get it. I don't stare at women's shopping trolleys

viking it does seem to be a cultural thing. I think that we still see women as the ones capable of going solo with the kids but a Dad out on his own is just “babysitting for Mummy”.

Equally they probably assume you can’t cook and we’re looking for microwave burgers etc, despite a large majority of top chefs being male, I love baking and that’s something positive to come out of this as wouldn’t have discovered this otherwise.

We seem very keen as a society for women to become more and more equal at work but much less so for the man at home! When I explain the situation I generally get the same few replies - single dads don’t get the recognition they deserve, why would a mum do that to her kids and you seem to be coping well, good for you (bit patronising that last one).

don't know if I'm doing well I've not give it much thought to be honest. I got friendly with a lady there's nothing in it not to say there won't be in the future but for now we are just enjoying each others company a day at a time.It helps for me to have something to think about occasionally than what happened and it gives me someone to talk to especially at the weekends when my son stays out. But saying that I was doing ok I think before I met her . My wife's actions may define her going forward but they won't me if nothing else I'm sure of that at least.

Well seems like were all having a rough time at min hope it gets better soon for us all x i thought husband was just wanting pub life n reliving his youth n would come realise what his been missing . In reality he's been "seeing"someone for a few months we only split few months ago so I'm guessing it's been going on while still together ! Its hit me like a tonn if bricks and I feel back to square 1 x worse thing about it he told me after parents evening in front if our 7 year old .

layniboggs that’s appalling that he would say that in front of your child! No shame it seems.

As I’ve said before, I had my suspicions for a while but finding the proof really hit me hard so I know what you mean.

Just remember that someone that can do that to someone he was supposed to love in front of someone else he’s supposed to be a role model to highlight someone his real personality

That should say highlights his real personality, sorry, typing whilst holding youngest!

Wellyboots86 yes your right starting to feel I have had a lucky escape still doesn't help at the min but it's still raw . 16 years for him to treat me like this . Don't deserve us and I can't wait till it all comes undone and where still smiling .