Hi everyone, I hope you don’t mind me gate crashing your thread. I’ve been lurking for a couple of weeks now. It’s four weeks since my husband of 13 years came home from work to say he was leaving me because the spark had gone and he was no longer attracted to me or in love with me and that we “want different things”.
Our DD is 23 months. It was totally out of the blue and has knocked me for six. I have never felt despair and sadness like this. My mum passed away a few years ago and I have felt like I’m grieving all over again for her because I needed her, and then grieving for my marriage too. However, friends have been truly amazing, and other family rallying round. I feel so lucky to have that support. Having DD has also forced me to get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other. She is utterly gorgeous and has made me laugh. I’m trying not to let her see that is mummy sad.
Obviously I wondered if he’d met someone else but he says not. Apparently he has been feeling like this for over a year, yet during that time we have been intimate with each other (although not very regularly) and seriously discussed having a second child. We have been out on date nights every month, cooked for each other, laughed together. My return to work after mat leave to a very senior role didn’t go well I was enormously stressed and we agreed I’d resign to be a sahm for a while, so that happened in May. Then he decided to take all our savings to buy shares in the company he works for. He knew I didn’t want that but pushed ahead anyway.
He suffers with depression and anxiety and has been on medication for four years but has never dealt with the underlying problems (difficult childhood, parents divorced when he was 6). He has a stressful senior job and works away Mon-Fri, and is currently staying at his mum’s at weekends, spending time then with DD.
He is so sad and while I won’t pretend things were perfect between us, I honestly believed we’d come through the challenges and that after 16 years together, surely that would count for something? It was a massive decision to take the job which takes him away from us in the week, but I think now he perhaps wanted to be away from me.
There have been no shouting matches despite the anger I feel. I love him very deeply and am devastated by his behaviour. He has minimised contact and refuses to engage with me to discuss our relationship, yet still calls me by pet names when he comes to collect DD. He says he does plan to see the GP and seek help but “needs to do that for himself”. He cancelled a GP appointment this week.
Everyone is telling me that one day he’ll wake up and realise the enormous mistake, but I just don’t think he wants to work on things. I wish he did, but he says doesn’t want to leave me dangling while he sorts his head out. I think that is a coward’s way of saying he doesn’t want me anymore but he’s not brave enough to be direct.
So sorry for the long post - I guess a month’s worth of emotions pouring out! I’m really starting to feel the anger now and main focus for me is getting back to work.