Husband Has Ended it - road to divorce

[itsovernow1]

Hi
I've had a thread in the Relationship section for a while, thought now we're actually heading for Divorce I'd post a new thread to update here.
All and any advice welcome.

Link to old thread [https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2814181-Husband-has-ended-it?pg=20] hopefully that worked!

Oh no, his Dad has no money. His parents would have moved or split years ago but couldn't afford it. Whether his dad has life insurance I don't know. His mum does save and hide money from his dad, otherwise he'd have bought bucket-loads of crap on ebay etc. His mum will need all she can get if she decides to move. Although she would help STBX out with a little something if he needed it.

I'm don't want to contest it if I'm honest. My side won't make any difference to this situation. I just can't believe he's being such a cold arse on this. I'll be dropping this off at my SOL in the morning, along with his emails, and see what she says.

I got a reply from him earlier and the address on the petition is his new address - from this week, so he says - which makes no sense given the petition is dated 11th July! That's his 3rd since he left. I assume he's told the kids as DS only found out last time AFTER the event, when he changed his address on the mobile phone account and DS got a text. I would have also like to be kept informed as it's just common decency IMO and my SOL needs an up-to-date address.

He has agreed to changing the monthly payment to my account but not calling it a maintenance payment, as he thinks that would 'misleading', he will call it mortgage and bills. Yet again he's calling the shots.

Oh and his dad probably won't die. He seems to have 9 lives.

It will be interesting to see what the solicitor makes of this. I admit I don't know anything about your legal system. And here it very much depends as state rules vary. Right off the top of my head I would say a SAHM mother would be entitled to alimony of some sort. Here the pension would very much be on the table, as well.

The language about "maintenance payment" sounds similar to what we would call alimony, which suggests to me that perhaps you are indeed entitled to some sort of maintenance payment, as he seems to be distancing himself from the concept. In any case, anytime someone gets slippery with simple facts like addresses my alarm goes off, what's he trying to hide? I can well imagine you'd like to be quit of this whole business. I think you are being exceptionally brave, to be honest.

Gotta admit, now DD is in bed (or in her room) I am processing it all and feeling a little teary.

My SOL called it a maintenance payment purely to keep it simple and to show that he was paying something and I was paying the bills - all from my account. That would also help with any future mortgage situation for myself. He doesn't want that and has been advised to call the payment 'mortgage and bills'. Yet again, doing it for himself rather than help me. Says it all really.

The pension could be on the table, if I wanted it to be. Depends on how it works out concerning the equity in the house. If I can get more equity that would help me find another decent place. I am now leaning towards that - moving away from this house, so that I can start fresh without STBX being everywhere (memories etc..). Plus he'll never set foot in it. He can meet the kids elsewhere.
The only maintenance I really could get is for DD. But she's 18 next yr so that would stop. Oh yeah he's distancing himself from anything. When this is finalised I will have to pay while DD is with me, he won't pay a penny, even after 18. Once she goes to Uni she will have the full amount of finance so can pay for herself.

I admit the change of address, again, is bloody annoying. And why he can't tell me before it happens I don't know. 2 times he's done this. Told me after the fact. It's like he's doing it deliberately. My SOL has sent him a letter in the past week and chances are he won't get it, unless he's had his post redirected to his new place. I've asked him that. There's no way he could put a 'future' address down on the divorce form unless he was living there at the time. I'm sure that would be frowned upon. It's a legal document. I mean it was dated the 11/07, that's more than 3 weeks before I got it and he states he moved.

I'm tired. It's draining hiding things from DD as well. I've built up a decent cash amount for security but it's disappearing before my eyes. Not that he cares.

I thought they could pay maintenance whilst a child was in full time education - has that changed? I know my eldest got maintenance until he was 22 and my youngest was 19, but it was a good while ago.

Why does it make a difference to him what his payment is called? Does your solicitor know?

With any luck your solicitor will have the answers. It's annoying though I realise.

Ah, I get it. I would expect 50% of equity is a given for you. Trading for more than 50% of the equity in lieu of the pension or some lesser portion of the pension...that's interesting. I don't know how iffy a pension his is likely to be. For example, pensions for a government worker here have always been golden but not quite so much anymore.

Whereas a roof over your head ( I assume you have to roll over equity into another property or face tax consequences?) has a more obvious intuitive appeal.

So the question is, can you find an affordable property in your area? Will you be able to afford fix-up, maintenance, all the hidden costs? Or maybe more to the point, are you a DIY kind of person? (I'm never happier than when I have a paintbrush and tools in hand, which helps a lot in keeping our costs down.) I have to admit I'd want both, a claim on the pension and a claim on the equity, just to be safe.

kaitlinktm - Nope, it stops when she's 18. Uni isn't classed as education any more, as it's their choice to do it. As she's going to Uni (hopefully) it's not an issue as such, as she'll get the full student finance available, like DS does now. STBX doesn't pay maintenance for DD as he pays the mortgage and a few larger bills.
I don't know why it makes a difference to STBX what the payment is called, but his SOL advised not to call it that as it could be misinterpreted. (???). I dropped all the relevant docs and divorce papers off to my SOL this morning. Will wait to see what she says.

Apparently DS found out STBX change of addy from an mobile text alert - again - saying the address had been changed. DD was told a few weeks ago when she last saw STBX. So he knew then but still didn't tell me. WTF? Total lack of respect. He knows where I am at all times but can't return the bloody favour. I'm getting bloody sick of it. My SOL sent docs to STBX last week so if he hasn't got an agreement to forward post or change of address forwarding with the PO going on I'm screwed. Costs me money sending letters from the SOL!!

MrsPawsitive - I should get a 70/30 split with the equity IF i leave the pension alone. It sounds OK that way, but by the time the mortgage and debts are taken off the equity reduces considerably. STBX should care where his DD (and DS) call home. STBX will have less down-payment on a new property to buy BUT his wage can afford a much larger mortgage than me. It evens out slightly when you work it out that way but he can still get a bigger place than me in the end. Whether he banks on DD or DS living with him when they come home from Uni I don't know. We need to have that convo. He can't have it all his own way. A bigger place/more spare cash and the single life. He has kids no matter how old they are.
What concerns me is selling and then buying could cost me £10K, quite a large amount in the grand scheme of things. If STBX would listen to me staying here it would be simpler all round. We shall see.

There are properties around yes, and as my 2 jobs are local I need to stay in the area to make it worthwhile the petrol cost. Most are flats though, which if on my own would be fine, but they're not the biggest to fit 2 other adults coming back for holidays etc.. pus the dog. It's a lot of thought. I don't mind decorating no, if it needs to be done but that's my limit. Anything else I'd need to get someone in and that will cost.

End of rant ... maybe

Phoned up for my hours at the new job this morning, not the days I wanted - or time - really, so will have to ask when I go on the 1st day next week. They've done a Fri/Sat for 5 hrs each, when we discussed at interview maybe a Sun/Mon so I wasn't working the night before at my other job. This Fri/Sat could kill me starting at 5am! But I'll give it a go.

I don't know, the way you describe it, conceding on the pension doesn't sound fair to you. If you get 70% of the house equity but have to use it to pay off the debts doesn't that benefit STBX disproportionately? Something in this scenario doesn't seem right...

Hi, OP, I hope you are doing well and feeling strong. I read an article in The Economist from March of this year that helped me understand better some things that baffled me about the divorce process you are encountering. Primarily, I didn't realize England does not have no-fault divorce, as explained in the article. So there are implications I wasn't familiar with as regarding who files what and when and who is being unreasonable and who is cheating. I also read some other threads on this forum that made me realize this systemic difference, as well. The best I can offer you, then, is words of encouragement rather than insight. The latter is here in abundance from others who are much more familiar with the ins and outs of the situation you are encountering. I hope you emerge stronger and ultimately happier, I really do. You deserve the best.

Thanks for your kind words.

I've read articles online and while some processes are very clear, others baffle me.
Sadly I am also the type of person, who, even though understands some things, I still need/like a 2nd opinion to put my mind at rest I'm doing things right! 'So this divorce process is testing me...

Tomorrow is training day for the new job. Unfortunately it's not just down the road at the location I will be working at. It's just over an hr away. While I know i have to do it to secure the job I am not looking forward to it. I'm not an outgoing person who feels comfortable doing this kind of stuff. I am also concerned about finding the location etc.. Somehow I always seem to end up looking stupid.
Oh well, it's 5 hrs and I get my mileage paid plus a buffet lunch. It won't last forever. That's how I try to look at things like this now. It can't last forever. Unless it's in my nightmares!

Although then I do have to actually start the new job. At 5am on Friday. Oh boy. As I've never been a cleaner before I have no clue and really hope they don't just drop me straight in the deep end. I like to know what is expected of me and at least the routine. You may laugh and say of course they'll train you, but my last job yrs ago just threw me straight into the fire and even up until the last day (it was a 1 yr contract) I still had no real clue if what I was doing was right! Presumably, as I didn't seem to get bad feedback, I was doing it OK or passable!

Dentist went OK today which is a weight off my mind. Somehow, since turning 40, I seem to have issue after issue with my little white pegs! We both got a clean bill of health today, even after xrays.
Thurs is results day for DD. I will be taking her to get the little piece of paper, even though she can get the result online as well, she still needs the paper bit and wants to collect it. We'll then have lunch out and do some window shopping while trying not to spend anything - much! It's also my birthday hence the reason we'll eat lunch out. Pizza Hut buffet is as cheap as we'll get and we won't need dinner!

When I have to go somewhere new I print out a map off the internet and bring it with because I like the reassurance of having a hard copy. I envy people who can just throw themselves into new situations without a care but that's not how I roll. Planning and preparation make me confident. Nothing wrong with that. That's what most employers want, actually, people who are willing to learn the program and stick with it.

I hope you have a lovely birthday on Thursday with your daughter. Pizza and window shopping sounds like good fun to me. Especially the pizza, oh, I do miss the joys of thin crust pizza with white sauce. Many happy returns on your special day!

Haha! I've actually got the google map and directions printed ready to go along with the Sat nav! I'll take a final look before I go to bed - early - and fingers crossed. Traffic will be a concern but hopefully it'll go fine. I like to get everything together in one place so I can just pick it up in the morning. I'm actually taking a rucksack, which for me is unusual as I don't take bags usually.

Pizza not cooked by me is one of the best foods. Its always perfect.
I will be buying myself a new double duvet and cover, mainly as I want the cover but at the moment I have a king size duvet and it's such a pain to do! So a smaller duvet will be easier, specially when I will be on my own in future, even downgrading the king size bed. Waste of space that thing is!

Thank you.

Leave a little extra early maybe? Traffic is lighter the earlier you leave, I imagine.

I think a rucksack is what we call a backpack? Stop/loss here has a fetish about them, apparently. I guess the notion that you have both hands free must mean you are a suspicious character. Ridiculous. I think after a lifetime of carrying a heavy purse on one shoulder I list sideways a little!

In any case, it makes great sense to have everything where you can find it quickly. I think there are two kinds of people in the world, those who like to plan ahead and those who see no need. The latter have the attitude of "What could possibly go wrong?" (And if something does go wrong someone else will fix it!)

I can't stand having to wash oversized bedding. One of the nice things you can do is gradually set everything up just the way you like it.

Cheers!

Yep, I'm going to try to leave a little earlier. There's a supermarket near the training place so I can go there if I'm early.
This sort of thing really gets me anxious. If I could not go I would.
Yep, a backpack.
I like getting things out early so I don't have to remember them at the time. I can just pack the bag and go.

Well, the day is done. I'd rather have a tooth pulled than do that again.

It's not my thing. I don't mix well, I just look rude - whereas I'm anxious and shy in large crowds. I hate talking to people like that. I know it sounds pathetic - and for a woman my age it is - but I just hate it. I was lucky not to shed a few tears to be honest, I just felt so low sitting there trying to look busy on my phone (although the eyes were watery...). So glad to get home but now I actually have to do the job on Friday & Sat. and then 3 mornings next week, not sure after that, will need to check the rota when I go in.

I will need to find something else part time, this will kill me after a while. I know people do 2 or even 3 jobs with more hours and keep going, so I am pathetic saying it. Today definitely made me feel stupid. We had to introduce the person sitting next to us, meaning we had to talk to each other for a few mins to get details we could say to the others. One of which was an interesting fact about them. Mine was I have a dog. Wow. I sat there listening to the others and felt kinda.... lost. One woman spoke 7 languages! I'm nearly 44 and I haven't lived.

I feel like I'm one of those mice on one of those wheels. I have so much happening and not sure what day it is half the time. I would love to just relax for a bit but with this job now I feel trapped. Sounds stupid and ridiculous and over dramatic. But I can't breathe. Taking a holiday will need military planning for both jobs so I will avoid it, I hate asking at the evening one as it is. There's a reason I haven't had a job in a long time....It's not that I don't want to do these things, I do, it's just doing them that terrifies me. I just want to hide.

God that post is depressing. Sorry.

I should focus on positives. It's just a tough one for me. Normally I'm the pessimistic type anyways, but at the moment I just feel lost. I need to start taking things. I will look around tomorrow when out.
DD gets her results tomorrow. Hopefully it's as she has predicted.

A friend gave me good advice many years ago. He knew I was anxious with the other co-workers and he said most people don't care. From that advice I formed one of my rules for life: avoid comparing yourself to others. You're judging yourself much more harshly than anyone else. If anything, the other people are relieved you are nice and pleasant. That's all you have to be.

I also hear fatigue creeping up on you. Three jobs sounds doable in theory but in practice it can be daunting. Most of the people I've met who pulled that off were working in sales. Not all sales jobs are onerous, either. Working in a garden center or pet store would make sense for me, for example, since my natural enthusiasm for these interests would overcome my shyness.

I hope you get a nice birthday break. My birthday wish for you is that you find your north star that will guide you when you feel lost. It may be hiding behind clouds but it is there waiting for you.

A very Happy Birthday to you!

I'm just not a social person. And in big groups that really shows itself. I prefer being at home that's my problem. It's my safe haven. I'm a listener. I like sitting in corners watching everyone else and listening to them. I don't get involved unless I have to. Small groups at work are OK, as others are more outgoing.
When I'm at work I deal with it, I act as I'm supposed to. But inside I die a little!

I'm tired now and I haven't even started the other job yet! I will only get 3 hrs sleep between the 2 in the (early) morning and even though I could nap now I have too much to do and think about and my mind isn't tired in that sense. Not even to sleep. It's racing!

Hopefully things will calm down. Today has been busy.

The racing thoughts are very aggravating, aren't they? I always see it as a signal to make a cup of hibiscus tea, which helps for some reason.

Three hours of sleep? Is that sustainable? The schedule you're on is going to have you drinking gallons of coffee. (My bladder would protest that scenario, no doubt about that! I'd rather find a way to work from home where my bathroom is available 24/7 with no need to ever dance outside a closed door, LOL).

They say that extroverts are invigorated by being around other people and introverts are tired after being around other people... which doesn't mean they don't enjoy the company of others, introverts just need time to recharge after social situations. That time to recharge is important.

The detachment that allows you to observe is an excellent quality in a writer. If you had a blog, I would read it. A good writer does exactly what you describe: "I'm a listener. I like sitting in corners watching everyone else and listening to them." What might seem like a drawback can actually be a strength when you have a way with words.

I wish I were a better listener like you OP - the kindest way my friends DH described me as was "she's good at talking". I am trying to cut down haha - but the point I am making is that most people value a good listener more than someone like me who rabbits on.

Well, I tried. Today has shown me that working as a cleaner in L's is not for me. The cleaning itself didn't seem taxing - well the small bit I got shown anyway - but it just didn't feel right. The whole place and atmosphere wasn't comfortable for me.
So yes I am a quitter. I have made the phone call, after deciding on my way home that I didn't want to go back. After 5 hrs. The deputy manager will call me back as he wasn't sure what I had to do to quit. (actually he also didn't know I was a) the cleaner when he booked my original hours and b) thought I was doing 16 not my contracted 10, so really he didn't seem to know a lot IMO). I took the job because I needed the money, not because I wanted to do it. I could have stayed the course but really I didn't like it. At all.
The people seemed nice enough, but I wasn't comfortable.
Plus the store was filthy!!! Oh boy. The warehouse was disgusting. The other lady with me, who was training, but going to a new store in a few weeks, was actually a cleaner who had worked for the opposition. So she knew her stuff. And she was slightly taken aback by the state of it. It looked like they hadn't done a proper job for months. The assistant training us (me!) didn't really have the time to spend taking us (me!) through things. After doing some sweeping and tidying I then got shoved on a computer doing the training on there.
I couldn't wait to leave.
The evening job didn't make me feel like that. Sure I had minor feelings of 'is this right for me?' but I never had the feeling 'I don't want to go back, I'd rather jump off a bridge'. Yes I need the money, big time, but I will not make myself ill over it. I will just buy a small place and try to move on. I will keep looking for jobs and hope one comes up. If it doesn't then that's my problem to deal with.

TBH Over it did sound like even a second job would be really tiring for you (only a couple of hours sleep between some shifts) and I think we know when we can't do something or that something is going to make us unhappy and/or ill. If I were you I would carry on with your evening job and hope for some more hours there.

Gotta admit I'm flagging now. Been dozing on the sofa!
I'm just painfully aware I need to earn more money and took the only job I've been offered in the past few months, whether I liked it or not. Unfortunately that seems to have been a mistake. Wasted my time and theirs. I spent the past week worrying about the training day and starting there today. Ruined my week to be honest. All my fault.
I rang them when I got home to tell them and the deputy guy said he'd ring back, after taking my number - as yet I haven't heard from him. That 4 hrs ago... I will give him until tomorrow morning, then hand deliver my decision in writing and the uniform etc.. back to the shop. At this point I don't even car if they pay me for the training day. I just want it to be over!

I'm seriously surprised, after the training day, seeing how the way the distribution centre runs and how the shops runs. You'd think they weren't the same company! The storeroom looked like it hadn't been swept for weeks, rubbish everywhere, the cleaning stuff they had was disgusting! I was given the task of sweeping the floor and asked for gloves. The woman looked at me like I had 2 heads! LOL! She said she only ever wore gloves for cleaning out the section they empty the cleaning machine into! Um, looking at that floor, there was no way I was going to do it without gloves (she asked me to separate any cardboard/plastics and put them in the machine that flattens them).

Oh my, so many errors in that!

that WAS 4 hrs ago
car = care