Husband Has Ended it - road to divorce

[itsovernow1]

Hi
I've had a thread in the Relationship section for a while, thought now we're actually heading for Divorce I'd post a new thread to update here.
All and any advice welcome.

Link to old thread [https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2814181-Husband-has-ended-it?pg=20] hopefully that worked!

Oh I see - it was just with you saying he had texted you.

I meant I blocked him on social media so I dont see his pictures..

I think maybe you should start your own thread - you would probably get some good advice on here. Some MNers are very knowledgeable and we come from all professions and walks of life. Just a thought.

Hi, @kaitlinktm I did. Thank you :)

Hello itsover. Just popping by to offer my support and congratulations at the new job. You really have come a long way since the early days. It is really noticeable to me as I haven't been here for a while. My Dd had terrible down days and was prescribed some tablets from the doctors for depression. It took a few months but they have really made a difference. I haven't seen her smile for a long time and she melted my heart the other day when she skipped through the kitchen. We both burst out laughing and it was a really lovely moment. I know you are reluctant to take pills but I just wanted to say that maybe it's worth another go.

But either way - the new job is another step in the right direction and will keep your mind off you know who.

Hope you can come to a decision about the dog soon, it does seem to play on your mind a lot. I think your ex should take him but he sounds so bloody selfish that I think that is unlikely.

Well, I asked STBX yesterday about changing the monthly payment into a maintenance payment and pay it directly to my account so I can pay all the bills. That way we can close the joint account and keep things more simple as we go forward. That was the advice from my SOL.

STBX has responded this morning saying he needs to talk to his SOL before doing anything. I know that his SOL will block it. Just a feeling I get. It would make life easier (not just with tax credits to prove he's just making a payment to my account) but as usual he's being an arse.

He also said the divorce papers have been sent to the court (Bury St. Edmunds - I see that a lot on here!). Guess I'll find out what he put down for unreasonable behaviour. Although it would have been nice to see it before being sent but he's been secretive throughout this whole process so it's not surprising he didn't think I needed or wanted to see them. I know he's going to put down stuff that will hurt but I suppose that's normal for this process.

The dog is a tough one. I want what is best for him but I don't want to just give up on him. Some days are better than others concerning my feelings on this. (yesterday was bad as we had to give him his worming tabs..... he hates them with a passion). If I could find a reliable (cost effective) dog sitter I wouldn't feel so bad and could have some freedom when DD goes to Uni next yr.
Oh no, not Gumtree, he would go back to the breeder if my decision was to give him up. The breeder would also want him back as they are committed to their dogs.

Well, nearly the end of the week.Summer isn't quite sure what the hell it's doing.
I sent off 2 job applications yesterday. Yes I already have 2 part time jobs but a 3rd wouldn't hurt, would it?!

The applications were for 2 jobs I'd seen and applied for before. I actually got asked for an interview but I was on holiday (which I'd put on the form when they asked, but ignored...) so I emailed back and said I couldn't make it that time but wanted to still come in. They didn't get back to me. Now the jobs are there again, or they want more people, IDK. It's a school, one job is all yr round and the one term time only. Either would suit.

.....and as funny as it sounds, I could do all 3 jobs as the hours don't clash! I would definitely try to do all 3 if given the chance, even if to make a wad of cash for 6 months and then give one up. My sleep pattern will be crap! although the 2nd job are trying to arrange there (their?!) hours around my 1st job - which if successful wouldn't hurt my sleep too much tbh. It would mean I'd be working on the morning after my nights off from job 1 (evening) so I could go to bed at a decent hour before getting up at 4am! (if that makes sense!).

Evening job right now is full on. We normally have 7 people but with sickness and holidays we're down to 3! It's tough going and moral (for the whole store tbh, as they're getting rid of dead weight but not replacing them), is at an all time low. We're already down by about 4/5 people when we do have a full team. Our team can't get the stock out as we just don't have enough people. 3 deliveries a week just won't work. We didn't finish yesterdays, and tomorrow we get another large one. Won't finish that and Monday we get another one..... it's a circle. The management don't seem to care, which is pathetic. They have a 'plan in place' which by beginning of Sept will be up and working but that's too late for now!

STBX text DD last night, while I was at work, to tell her (and ask her to pass it on to me) that his dad is in hospital. Not sure it's life threatening but FIL is already on enough pills to make him rattle and keep him alive (seriously, without them he'd have keeled over yrs ago we reckon) so anything could happen. Kinda glad I don't have to deal with it tbh. Although STBX and his dad aren't the best of buddies he would still be upset.

DS is frustrating me.

He has never had a job, and doesn't need to now he'll be getting the full grant for yr 2 of Uni. He has just received extra money for yr 1 for the period when STBX moved out, as it was revised when I sent in the new details for the second yr student loan. So he has a LOT of spare cash. I suggested learning to drive, as it's a skill you have for life and he has the whole summer to do the lessons and can afford it. But nope, he isn't thrilled about that either so won't be doing it.

FFS. He's spending the summer up near Uni with his BF, staying at the BF's house. They don't have anything to do, day in and day out (BF doesn't have a job and can't drive either).
What's so difficult about learning to drive?? He really doesn't have anything else to do.
I'm going to ignore things now as it's pointless but it's just so frustrating. He won't do anything.

Years of bitter experience with my dc tell me that they absolutely never listen when you try to give them advice!

My ds has just graduated, and - by a miracle - got a job straight away. He has never learnt to drive, though, so his daily commute is going to be more difficult than if he'd listened to me!

Just wanted to add that you are doing so well with your jobs; when you think back to the start of your first thread, the way you've dealt with everything is incredible.

Have you got a share of STBEx's pension?
I haven't read full thread so might have missed it.

Yep, they never have listened, although DD is slightly easier to talk to. I've tried to explain to DS that learning to drive now - while he has the money to do so - will benefit him so much in life but nope, not having it. His life. I won't be his taxi! I am hoping his feelings change but won't mention it again.

MissBabbs Nope, I probably won't take part of his pension (it's not that big), but we haven't got to the financial settlement part yet so it could change. I have a feeling he will make it as difficult as possible so he gets what he wants. Realistically, after doing some basic online sums yesterday, he could get a very good mortgage and have a good life so he can't really complain about that. Whereas I need all the help I can get now so will try to fight for it.

STBX text yesterday to say his dad will be having surgery next week, they've delayed it as his health isn't good anyway and they have to do something different as they say it's 50/50. His dad has never taken his health seriously and pills are the only thing keeping him going. He's a good age (early 80's) so it's a miracle he's got this far. I've never been close to him really so to me it's a 'meh' situation. I probably shouldn't say that, but I wish my Mum had got to his age as she'd have made the most of it. She was taken too early through no fault of her own. Whereas he ignored all Drs advice and somehow kept going. I don't wish him ill health but it just grates a little.

Time of the month again. Anyone have any solutions for bad PMS?? I can feel the cloud and I can't stop it. I know it's there but it's got it's own control. I can be happy one minute but then something happens and I just go downhill. Every bloody month. Used to be fine before kids.

It's awful, isn't it? Some hot tea and some carbs might help. Chocolate is a mood elevator that worked for me, it's probably the magnesium. Hot chocolate and a good book might work? Do you like music? I find it also elevates mood. Hope you feel better!

A pension will normally accumulate interest over the 30 years or so it runs. So what is nowt now could be alot when you are 70. You need financial advice.
Some info here www.thisismoney.co.uk/money/pensions/article-3867504/Can-ex-husband-half-pension-cash-Steve-Webb-replies.html

MrsPawsitive Oh eating chocolate is my downfall. I try not to that much but if its there I'll eat it! I try to stay away from tea/coffee this time of the month as that does make it worse. Trouble is I just want to eat and that's not good. I'd love to stop the periods completely. I know the symptoms would still be there but I hate having them (as do most women I suspect). I don't find them easy. (very heavy the first couple of days then they seem to stop then start again, it's ridiculous).

MissBabbs Yep, it's something I need to think about. Trouble is if I need to sell this place (and can't take on the mortgage) then I need all the equity I can get and unfortunately that is a negotiating tool. I will try to add to my small pension - from previous employment yrs ago (

This isn't directly related but I have had migraines all my life, sometimes several times a month but always part of the lead-up to that time of the month. For other health reasons I had to switch to a low sodium diet and voila! I've had maybe two migraines, very minor ones, in the last year. I can pretty much eat all the fruits and vegetables I want so I don't go around with that feeling that food is my enemy, which I had most of my life. I don't have a food or diet fetish, by the way, just want to feel lively.

The thing I miss the most is bread which is very high in sodium. On the other hand, bread always made me want to take a nap immediately, which is not very helpful when you have work to do. I keep apple slices or carrots on hand for a quick boost.

I think what we eat does impact our mood and energy level a lot. Each person is different and what works for me might not help you. But I think it's worth looking into which foods aggravate PMS because I'm pretty sure some do. Maybe a doctor can prescribe something to help, as well?
I myself am very adverse to pills but there is a time and a place for everything!

I'm a junk food fan. No matter how much I try I can't get away from it. I like the idea of fruit but can't be arsed to eat it. Apple bits in my teeth, grapes need washing, bananas are either under-ripe or over-ripe.... you get the idea. Any meal I eat I bloat afterwards so tend to only have one a day (plus bowl of cereal for breakfast), that makes me hungry so I graze all day.

The cloud has descended now. I've got a very short fuse with everything and everyone.

Itsover I'm not sure how old you are. During he peri-menopause from about 43-48 j had terrible PMT so was prescribed Prozac type drugs, mildly for 2 weeks a month only. Later it became HRT for a couple of years and I was off all of it by 52 when my periods stopped. The medication really saved the day as I was dreading it each month and so was my family.

Something like Menopace tablets which you can buy might help you and definitely vitamin D 1000 iu daily.

I have the same kind of periods as you, very heavy for two days, stop for 2 and start again.

I also get low moods, rages and despair! It's awful.

My period headaches have gone tho since I cut back on carbs (bread rice pasta cakes)

I'd love to know how to avoid the rage/cry/rage cycle I get every month!

I was cleaning up and found a box of old photos I hadn't seen in years. One was of my mother a few years before she had me, she is in her early 20s and looking beautiful and happy. Sigh. A decade later she had had several pregnancies, several miscarriages, and a hysterectomy.

She was of a generation that had less choices, and things were much better for me, for which I am thankful. Still, I remember when I first started getting periods and she left me a pamphlet on my pillow explaining how the reproductive cycle works! I always had horrible cramps and dreaded the entire business. What a nightmare.

As an aside, I laughed about the distaste for fruit as I used to feel the same. I can't stand preachiness about food. In my case, I had no choice, had to give up the junk food, as it was literally killing me. But chocolate is my reward food. That and coffee are essentials to my happiness, ha!

lazycrazyhazy - I'm 44 next week! LOL! Pretty sure I am peri-menopause tbh.

I know I need to do something but my Drs aren't very helpful. And I'm not very good at explaining things. I get tongue tied and feel ' on the spot' to say the right thing. I will look into other things.

I just love sweet stuff! I have tried to cut down on buying things but it's difficult. Specially as DD is here and likes that stuff too. Although she'd rather eat a pepper than a bar of chocolate most of the time! Strange girl!

Well, got the divorce papers thought this morning. He's a peach. While I don't deny a few things on there, he has really gone to town and obviously there are 2 sides to every story. He only had to do 5 unreasonable behaviours but for good measure he did 6. And wrote a whole page of A4!

Obviously didn't care what I read. and he comes out looking like a King.
If I was such a bitch to live with why wait so long to divorce me?!?! If he hated me that much, as it comes across, why wait so long?
Living with him wasn't so peachy either but I can't be arsed to confront him. Not worth my time.

I am confused by the petitioners address though. I've never seen that address before and it's not his SOL's as he's only using them for advice and I've checked it.

One serious question though - which hurts more now I've calmed down actually - if something is wrong on the form what do I do? I can't send it back like that.
Oh and the wrong information is my DOB. Yep, he got it wrong. Only by 1 day but still. 23 yrs and it's wrong. Now that's insulting.
But what do I do?? Anyone have experience?

Poor you. I'd call the solicitor immediately and say clearly that your DOB is wrong. Good for you that you're not rising to it and cross petitioning or whatever though I'm not sure I could bear for things to go down in perpetuity incorrectly.

Re GP make notes, make them concisely and edit them right down to key words before you go in. Stick to them and don't go off on tangents. I tend to minimise everything when I get there so if necessary take someone close with you who can say "she really is terrible for 2 weeks" or that they're concerned about you and be politely assertive that you need help. I would definitely start ok the vitamin D and menopace immediately too.

lazycrazyhazy - Thanks. I don't need the poor me stuff though. I am at the point of not caring as such. (I did have a quick cry but that was more about if that's what he think of me why did he stick around so long). That's the way he sees things and I admit some of it is true (some). My problem is the way he's put it, written an A4 sheet and stuck the knife in. Probably doesn't see anything wrong with it either. Him just 'telling the truth'.
As for contesting it, that will just hold things up and cost more money. I'd love to have a comeback for it, and I have, but it wouldn't do a lot of good but prolong things. I know what's right. He wasn't a ray of sunshine to live with either. Far from it.

I do write things down, I took a list when I saw the counsellor and Dr. but I still get questions from them I haven't written down. Asked to describe feelings etc.. and that makes me wobble. Throws me.
I will look into the Vit D and menopace stuff for sure. I need to do something! And take control. I hate this every month.

DD is having issues as well. Her eczema is getting out of hand again and we have a referral for Friday which we hope will be the start of positive things. She normally just lives with it but this time it's getting her down. Not that her dad gives a crap..... he thinks texting or FB messaging is the answer.

You mentioned the other day that STBX's Dad might be close to the end of his days...I hate to ask this but does STBX stand to inherit anything substantial from his parent? It seems crass that someone would time a divorce to avoid sharing an inheritance but once things go legal they go ugly, often as not. I sincerely hope this is not the case but this is the time to ask all questions.

I know it is awful to have to ponder such questions but you are in a fight that was not of your choosing.Yet it is still a fight. The realization that you are in a battle with someone supposed to be on your side is a terrible thing to experience but this is why so many have advised getting the best legal representation, whatever it takes.

Contesting this action and holding things up may be in your best interests for the long run. It's not just about money, though that is important, it's also knowing you didn't let STBX do all the defining of your life. He's only presenting one side of the story, his story. I think everyone would agree this is very unfair to you.