Husband Has Ended it - road to divorce

[itsovernow1]

Hi
I've had a thread in the Relationship section for a while, thought now we're actually heading for Divorce I'd post a new thread to update here.
All and any advice welcome.

Link to old thread [https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2814181-Husband-has-ended-it?pg=20] hopefully that worked!

I have no idea at this point what STBX is playing at. He was wanting the property on the market by the end of August, which has happened. He had to know there would be paperwork to sign?? If he didn't like my suggestion then he should come up with his own.
I will now take my own initiative and sign the paperwork and hopefully go in with my ID docs, then tell him he has to do his own thing.
It's frustrating. He picks and chooses what he responds to.

It's a long way for DS to come back just for a couple of days 8 hr round-trip and not that cheap. Most of it I have no problem with but it's the old school work. He didn't really go through it before, just chucking out the subjects he knew he didn't want/need but kept the ones he did. Now it needs culling again IMO.

I never really had PMS until I had the kids, starting with DS and post natal depression - which I ignored. I had had cramps before then but that was it. After kids has been the problem.
I have a feeling the Dr wouldn't really offer much help. She'd probably say change diet, more exercise etc... Which is fine, but I don't feel like cooking a lot these days (eat too much junk food) or doing exercise, can't be bothered type of attitude. Oh well.

I'm sure you're annoyed and rightfully so. Can you send paperwork to STBX or his SOL registered mail so he can't claim later that it was your fault he didn't sign or he was late signing the documents?

And can either of you afford a turn-down in the UK housing market caused by the impact of Brexit? There are lots of discussions about this online right now. I don't think it's something to panic about at this point and it may amount to nothing. But it probably is a good time to sell.

Remember to be kind to yourself.
Women's health gets short shrift too often. We have to be our own advocates or suffer what Nature dishes out. I think eating the right stuff does help, in fact, but by itself that's not enough for managing hormones. Hope you feel better this weekend.

I refuse to send the paperwork. I'd have to ask him to pay for it as I won't be out of pocket but then I'd have to waste my time going to the post office to do it. I have 2 jobs to work plus live a life. He actually works less hours than I do! Plus there is too much paperwork IMO and he'd then have to send it back to the SOL, meaning wasting more time. He could take 3 hours out of his life and come sign it over here. I will not do more than I am already.

After viewing 3 houses this weekend I am disheartened. Going from where I live now to a smaller place will take a lot of adjustment. Not impossible just an adjustment. I like space and light, whereas the new houses (I say new, I mean about 15/20 yrs old!) are so cramped and crammed into little estates. So claustrophobic. There was 1 we did like but it's still not ideal although I know compromises will need to be done. Still sad I'm only £14k short of taking over the mortgage on this place.

I know what you mean about compromise. Is there any way you could make a deal with a family member, like your Dad, and ask if he could act as a guarantor on your present house? Tell him it is a good investment, etc. 14k is awfully close.

You're really fed up with STBX, I can tell. You're right, no point in enabling him. He's not your friend. You're being businesslike and that's great.

No, no deals as they're already doing enough. I still have to think about bills and it would be tight. Although a different property may not be any different. It's just draining. I'm going to see these places and still can't offer even if I do like any. No viewings lined up for our place, very disheartening I have to say.

Traditionally this is a harder time of year to sell, conventional wisdom is people move when school lets out, etc. But if I recall, it was STBX who wanted to sell in August?

There is a thread today on AIBU about "accepting estate agent's advice" that speaks to this. Are you happy with the way your house is being marketed, the pictures, the description?

Yes, the whole process is draining, partly because it is a situation where you don't have much control. Ideally STBX would be involved and helping rather than dragging his feet re:paperwork. Since this sale impacts both of you he really ought to be participating in the process. It's a mystery to me why he is acting against his own best interests?

You're no longer willing to pick up after him, metaphorically or literally.
Hang tough with that. His strategy seems to be create messes he knows will drive you nuts (he does know you well after all these years). My impression is you're on to him but you're still stressed, nonetheless.

You're ready to move on and he isn't, not if he is still playing games. That's the problem. Keep your focus on you and what you need and go from there. That's the best you can do in a situation like this. Be good to yourself.

Well he finally replied. Yet again I am doing all the work and he just sits back. Apparently he can't get time off (bull, he only works 37 hrs per week - or so his Form E says.... - and he has Friday afternoons off, always has as anything past 12.30 is classed as overtime. Unless he was lying to me for a few years....).

So I have to fill in the forms, sign them and then send them to him. Apparently his SOL can verify his ID so no docs needed. He did say he'd pay for postage. How nice.
Nope, not happening. I will sign them and then he can fill them all in. I will drop them at the SOL's we're using and tell them to send them to him. I haven't got time to piss around any more. Everything seems to be on his terms. He knows I work at a school and would be going back to work this week. He waited. Could have told me all this last week.
I am pissed yes. I am done with him. No compromise at all. If his docs can be verified by his SOL then why not still come over to sign the paperwork and go through it?? (doesn't have to be a weekday then does it??)
Oh yeah, because the less he does the better according to him. Not bloody gonna happen. I have enough to do. I will fill in what I have to then he can do the rest. Earliest I can drop it all off is Friday afternoon.
I will wait until I reply as I am mad.

(and I will add, he saw DD the Friday before last, mid afternoon, so he still can finish early on a Friday if he chooses to....)

Unreal.
That's all I can say.
I'm speechless!

Been thinking...There seem to be a lot of self-absorbed people out there, people who only act to suit themselves. Not everyone is like that, there are still plenty of kind folk out there.

What I've noticed is that people who are kind to animals are more trustworthy. You did right by your dog and STBX did not. You made the tough decision to do the right thing for the dog's well-being even though it hurt you to have to do that and STBX did not. That shows a fundamental lack in his character, imo.

I hope someday you can go back to having a dog again because unlike humans, animals have no guile. They love unconditionally. They don't judge you, in fact, they're thrilled to see you. They're good company.
In the meantime, stay strong. Over, and keep your focus on you and what you need.

Oh I know. I admit I can be selfish. Bad trait.
I have met some kind folk at work, so I know they exist. Always have really.
The way STBX has done all this is the bitter pill to swallow. He'd detached from the dog while still living here. In the end he hardly acknowledged the dog, which confused the dog. His master was here but not stroking/playing with him. Whether it hurt STBX or not I don't know, and don't care tbh. We took the dog on as a family and suddenly it was my problem. Although STBX did say from the start to re-home him, his only suggestion. For me, that's not the point of taking on an animal!

I may get a dog when I (semi) retire, so I can give him/her the time they deserve and I'm more content to stay at home. At the moment a small animal would be better, rabbit or guinea pig (had both before so I know they still require work, just a different type of work). But I won't rush into it.

We had a baby rabbit I spotted on the side of the street right after Easter a few years ago. She was tame enough for me to pick her up and bring her home. She ate everything in sight, including the carpet. She was an absolute sweetheart. I had no idea that rabbits had so much personality but they do.

That's so sad, the way STBX treated the dog. Heartbreaking, really. That's going to stick in your mind for a long time, I can tell. You're going to want to create new, positive memories to replace the old bad ones wherever possible.

I'm just finding this whole this so stressful.
As of last night we didn't have any viewings this weekend - either here or elsewhere - so I was hoping for a relaxing stress-free weekend. Wrong. EA phoned up this morning for a viewing here tomorrow lunchtime, the only time the guy could make. Add to that it's obviously a Sunday and the EA doesn't work on a Sunday so it's down to us again.
Kinda pissed. I turn my phone off when I go to bed, every night, last night I was tired and slept through - on/off - to about 10am. In that time the EA had tried to ring me and when he didn't get a reply he phoned STBX, then the EA left a message on the home phone (after getting the number from STBX I assume). So then STBX texts DD to tell her. By that time I'd heard the home phone and got up.
Just to say, on a Sat I am normally up by 9am, probably earlier. This was a one off and even DD was surprised. But I was and still am tired.

Is my life not private any more? I will be telling the EA not to contact STBX as there's nothing he can do and the viewings are none of his bloody business.

I really could have stayed in bed all day today. I did not need any viewings this weekend as I was very tired after a busy week, I find it all very stressful and felt we needed to go and see houses, as all it takes is one viewing to result in an offer.

I do not need this. I don't want this. I just want to relax this weekend. But can't.
The decent houses we could have afforded in the past are sold and any ones listed now are very small and expensive for what they are. I know I need to compromise on things but I can't. I need certain things and won't compromise on those. Decent parking - why is that so difficult?? I need rear garden access, having lived in a house with no access before I won't do it again. It's proving tricky to find a decent house (mid terraced) with that.
I thought we had a healthy budget but as I said houses we could have bought have sold, maybe 2 months ago. Now it's slim pickings. Or we're just below the price they want (and I'm already stretching). It's frustrating and I'm just, I don't know, I just .

My big worry about finding the right property is it won't be around when someone offers on our house. I will feel pressurised. And I don't work well under pressure. Or without influence. I need someone to tell me if it's the right decision. I will 2nd guess it. I know I have to offer on somewhere eventually but that part scares me. Not waking up is not an option.

On the plus side, you have a viewing. That's good news even if it is short notice. If STBX had done the seemingly normal thing and reassured the EA that STBX would be there for the viewing if necessary, would you have minded? You always have to do all the heavy lifting.

Housing supply seems to go in cycles. There will be nothing and then all of a sudden a wave of decent places hit the market all at the same time. Maybe there's some underlying force at work or just coincidence.

It's common here for people to make an offer on a new house contingent on the sale of their present property. Is that what you call "being in the chain"? That strikes me as a nerve wracking proposition.

Timing is everything. Could you rent something if no house on the market appeals to you right away? Trust your gut feeling. You'll do great. I'm excited for you that you are looking at places. This is progress! It's going to be YOUR place!

Having read many of the infamous parking threads here on Mumsnet I'd choose decent parking first and foremost . Get some sleep and everything will seem less daunting.

Yes a viewing is good, just not what I had hoped for.
And yes I would have minded STBX doing the viewing. I don't mind doing the viewings (well I do but I know the EA isn't available and I don't want STBX in this house now) but the stress of getting ready for it is tough. I didn't like the way the EA went to him, I mean, phone me - they left a message on my answerphone on my phone - and wait. Give me time to get back to them!!

Housing supply is rather flat right now. I look a the sold/under off ones and some of them would have been perfect. Now? Not so much.

Yes we have 'chains' here. It takes precision timing for all concerned, normally being held up by solicitors!

Nope, renting would cost too much money round here, and I don't relish the thought of moving twice.

The viewing happened earlier, they looked at the property next door but missed out. Their son lives literally round the corner (they walked here), they're downsizing and looking for something close by. Questions were asked and at this point I have no idea whether they're interested, although the husband did mumble something I didn't catch about speaking to the EA tomorrow.

DD and I did see 2 properties yesterday. One was too small in the living/dining room (although the kitchen/bathroom were excellent)_ and the garden had no gate access.

The 2nd one was ideal location and would be great but needs a lot of work - new everything. The owner seems to be an older gent living on his own now and is moving to be closer to family (so the EA thinks). It's a good price but I'd need to offer about £15k lower to enable me to afford all the work required. We could live in it (brief time limit) while the work is being done.

I think DD is a little annoyed with me as she's liked most of them so far, but I'm looking at practicality (parking, garden, size), as this is going to be my home for a long time, it needs to be right. Parking is a big one for me, needs to be easy to access not struggling to park.
She's looking at design and whether she can fit her double bed in her room!

EA agent was being unreasonable. Crack of dawn urgent call on Saturday morning (okay, not exactly but 9 in the morning on weekend is crack of dawn, imo) was ridiculous.

Potential buyer downsizing to be near son sounds promising? So they are interested but reality of downsizing is hard, hence the vibe you were getting of uncertainty. They dithered in past (looked at house next door) and lost out so now they know where dithering leads. If they really want to be near their son, you will hear back. Was the wife there at the viewing?

I know what a pain it is to contemplate fixing up a place from scratch but if DD is on board it could be lots of fun for you both. Deferred maintenance is the question. Maybe that's how you negotiate a lowball offer. Point out the cost of bringing up to market value, so on and so forth.

Too old for double beds here, LOL. Love my day beds, soooo much easier to deal with the bedding. Got too tired of washing oversized bedding, trying to jam it all into the washing machine and dryer. Spent the money on decent mattresses instead, no more back ache!

Hi. I've been following your thread from the beginning. You are a remarkable woman even though you may not see it. Lots of houses fall through and are put back on the market so keep a look out for those you've been interested in . It may be worth giving the estate agents a call to let them know to notify you should a house you've liked be relisted. I'm thinking of you from afar. You've grown so much in strength through these last two years. You ought to be proud of yourself. Hugs x

Well, apparently the viewers have decided on another house. So panic over. No negative feedback apparently. EA did contact STBX again as I had my phone on silent (at work, didn't want to keep answering EA calls, and had enough).

I'm finding the whole thing is just taking over. I needed to take a break today and just try not to think of the house sale or purchase (hence the silent phone). I will try not to look on right move either.

Also stressful is having to book next yrs holiday dates with work (evening) when you have no clue what you want to do yet. But it's first come first serve kind of thing so need to get them in to get what you actually want. The boss isn't in tonight so I may drop them round tomorrow (as I'm not working). School hols are always the hot times and there are 4 of us who want them...... but if I don't take at least a few days during the half terms then I'll always be working one job or both. Aug is tricky as well.

Then I need to keep some days free for moving, well at least 1 or 2, and as yet I haven't a scooby when that will be.

I'm downsizing from a king bed so a double will be pretty small compared to what i'm used to! But, depending on the size of my new bedroom, I would consider a large single.
DD has a small double (part of a bunk set, double on the bottom and single on top) so we'll take that with us (cut the single off, as it's wooden).

Thank you Robinhood123. Still feel like I'm in limbo with everything as I'm still legally married and haven't sold house yet. But time will tell. Not looking forward to moving in winter if it happens, I have to say. Moving around Xmas wouldn't bother me as I'm over that but cold wet weather would not be ideal. (but DD isn't as she loves the tree and lights etc...)
This house selling is kinda demoralising tbh. No one wants my house. It has it's faults admittedly but it's a lovely little place. Oh well. If it's still on in 2 months I'll make STBX an offer. Whether he'd take it is another matter.

Oh well. If it's still on in 2 months I'll make STBX an offer. Whether he'd take it is another matter.

This is kind of like what happened to me - the valuation was less than XH had thought so I said well if that's all it's worth, I could get a mortgage for it and he agreed (in the end) just for simplicity really.

It is a double-edged sword in a way though - I sometimes think I might have been better off with a fresh start in a different house, and now that I am getting older I wouldn't mind a bungalow or something easier to manage, but there isn't much available - either bigger houses or terraced, nothing in between.

I suppose what I am saying is that moving house could be a blessing in disguise for you.

Over, hope your week got off to a good start. I suspect your weather is lovely at this time of year. Imagine this, it has been hovering around 42ºC here for days. .

kaitlinktm - I'm the type of person who likes the easiest way to do something. Staying here would be the easiest way of finishing this. BUT, I do understand the fresh start in a place of my own idea. Part of me wants the easy path but the other part wants the fresh start. And I do know if I stay here it will need work (boiler, flooring, new patio doors...) which might be something I won't be able to afford very easily.
My problem right now is 2 fold - 1) not having any more interest in this place and in turn having to lower the price (hoping we get an offer at the lower valuation) and 2) not having enough places (that I like) to look at.

I accept I do have some compromises to make but I won't make ALL the compromises for a new place. I will be staying there a long time. I need easy parking. I need a garden with access via a gate etc. I need a space to put my tumble dryer at least and the kitchens/lounges we've looked at so far have been too small. And too expensive to add a conservatory or something to house the dining table/tumble dryer. Seems I am 6 months late to the housing party as some sold ones would be ideal. Dammit.

We've seen a rise in interest rates slowing the housing market in some areas. Is it possible that's what is happening in your neck of the woods? That's puts downward pressure on listing prices over time.

It's usual practice here to put the higher price then you have somewhere to go (lower) if it doesn't sell. It's the wrong time of yr. Most people want to be in for Xmas, that's not far away and doesn't give much time to do the whole process.

And yet again my weekend is anything but relaxing and straightforward.

Yesterday I had one thing planned - then I wake up and it not only costs me time but money. The fridge is bloody broken. Seems the compressor has given up the ghost and my fridge is turning into a freezer. So new fridge needed, it's 10 yrs old and the compressor would cost upward of £200 plus labour to fit. New start new fridge? Isn't that the saying?

So new fridge ordered and had to pay to have the old one and all packaging for the new one taken away . (yes I could have them leave the new fridge 'as is' but removing the packaging and then moving into place? nope, too big for me!). I did get £10 off plus 1% cashback. Every little helps. Trouble is it's a silver fridge, DD likes that - I don't! Can't be choosy though, need a new fridge and it's the newer version of the current one we have. I'm happy with that. Not something I had bargained for but at least I still have DD's remaining bus pass money.

We had a house to look at this morning, local so we walked to it. I originally wanted to see it last weekend but the EA couldn't arrange it, so when they called with a date/time I thought 'why not?' I wanted to rule it out. And we have. Far too small and parking would have been an issue. Main things with a few smaller niggles. Even DD didn't like it. (then we went to the next local town to checkout fridges in person and googled them when got home. Turns out I bought one I hadn't seen in the shops anyway, so waste of time!)

Then this afternoon our EA calls to say the couple who came last Sunday wanted a 2nd viewing, they were visiting their son round the corner and wondered if we could spare 10 mins. I said yes. We rushed round 'tidying' and removing anything embarrassing (underwear off the washing line outside!) and then they arrived.

Apparently they had been away for the week and the husband had taken his laptop and was still looking around. The places they've looked at are 'all done', meaning no work but.... meaning no work, and not always to their taste and design. They wanted to compare and the husband wanted to prove to the wife our place was the same as their sons' but his had improvements which is why it looked so much bigger (as it was!). But original blueprint is pretty much the same.
At this point I have no idea what they will do.