Husband Has Ended it - road to divorce

[itsovernow1]

Hi
I've had a thread in the Relationship section for a while, thought now we're actually heading for Divorce I'd post a new thread to update here.
All and any advice welcome.

Link to old thread [https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2814181-Husband-has-ended-it?pg=20] hopefully that worked!

Well, they use the terms normal or abnormal to describe the results so I'll find out next week what kind of abnormal! Glad it came back with a problem as now it can be hopefully treated. I have no doubt that heaving lifting does aggravate it - a little - but even turning over in bed can cause pain so anything is a problem right now.

I would roll over all the sale proceeds yes but obviously the mortgage (loan) adds more and then I can decide how much of my Dads' money to use. Ideally though, I'd rather use all his money (sounds wrong describing it that way) and get a smaller mortgage. Having some funds left over would be nice - and might be necessary to fix the place up to my taste - but not essential.

Rent over here is double what a mortgage would cost monthly, so that's the main reason I don't want to rent. For the type of place I'm looking at it could cost about £800-£900 to rent, whereas a mortgage will be about £300! Renting is only cost effective for the landlords. Sadly these days for a lot of people renting is the only way. so I know I will be lucky buying somewhere. I know I moan about it but I do realise I am lucky.

My SOL emailed this morning to say she's on a 2 week break from Monday and is surprised we haven't heard from STBX's SOL yet as they were chasing us. She said her colleague will be on hand to deal with it.
I replied saying that STBX had emailed this morning to say he's meeting with his SOL today to finalise things and we should hear from them next week.
I'm so looking forward to the day I don't have to hear from him again. Even with child maintenance, going through official channels I never have to speak to him as it's all organised through them.

Do you also pay for a home inspection when you buy a place? Of all the fees associated with buying a home this has to be actually useful. I've been thinking of plumbing issues as the last few days were spent here tracking down a leak in the bathroom... the culprit a plastic pipe (not old) where somehow a tiny portion of thread had worn away, thus destroying the seal. A nothing to fix one you find it!

This, by the way, is the kind of thing that makes me feel vaguely depressed. It's not a big deal but the time lost is bothersome to me. Onward...

We're starting to see that same ratio of rent to mortgage here, especially in the cities. It's not a promising scenario for the younger people especially.

I think that contributes to the sense that one might buy a bigger place than one needs because what if you have a boomerang kid? I know you've expressed concerns re:DD but honestly, I think it's a back-of-the-mind worry for anyone of the older generation.

One's circumstances vary and maybe it could be a wonderful thing, like South Fork in the old TV show, Dallas. But I think you reach a certain point where you don't want to live a contingent life anymore. Contingent on when child gets in at night, if child needs ride, what child likes to eat, child needs own bathroom, on and on. You get my drift.

Yes we have other fees to consider. Can cost nearly £5K with everything. and that's just selling. I need to pay another big cost to buy, and move.

I am in a rut. And bored. Very bored. I wake up and I'm bored.

The skip will be arriving in a couple of days. Things are moving - slowly.

Can't believe I have to move.

You probably miss walking the dog quite a bit. I remember how giving the dog up was very hard on you and probably added considerably to your depression. Maybe someday you will want to get another dog? They are very good company.

If there is a silver lining about the move this may be a good time to sell. You wouldn't want to wait until the property market slows down, which it could, as these things go in cycles. Moving is hard but being trapped is worse.

I do miss him yes. Gave me an opportunity to go out, no matter how much at the time I didn't want to, and actually do some exercise. Now I can't be bothered although I know it would be good for me. I also still have his dog bed etc.. in the garage, not a good idea but I didn't want to just throw them.
He used to react to certain tv theme tunes and when they play I still expect him to bark!
I've thought abut another dog in time, an older one who needs a home, but with my jobs it wouldn't be possible for quite a while, I wouldn't have enough time. I have thought about other pets like rabbits or guinea pigs (had both in the past) but will need to see where we move before I decide on that. My DD likes my Sis's gerbils but I get worried about them escaping! That may be an option. She'd look after them.

I'm not a big fan of cats, they're nice & cute enough, but I don't like the thought of them just disappearing off whenever they feel like it! and you may get the devil cat who just attacks you!

Well, I was sure I'd added a recent post but apparently it went into the Mumsnet ether. Oh, well. I've been distracted by a visit from my DS so maybe that's it. BTW, I think kids always take after their grandparents more than their parents. That keeps things interesting.
Hope all is going well with you, Over, and things aren't too stressful as you go through your household goods.

I'm sure I received a notification yesterday about a new post but didn't see a new one until now! Oh well.

Garage and shed decluttered. Looks very tidy now.
I told STBX on the 14th to sort out a quote with his recommended SOL for selling the house, and I'd get 2 - which I have - but as yet STBX hasn't produced a quote. I have asked again today. Not sure why it's taking so long as I got my 2 within 24 hrs (may have even been the same day).
I'm hesitant to let him know my quotes as I don't know who his recommended one is and who recommended them..... yes I am very wary right now.

You'd think he'd want to get this sorted but no, still dragging his heels. And I keep chasing. I asked him about a month ago if he was planning to apply for the decree absolute after the settlement offer was accepted but he didn't reply to that. No idea why, you'd think he'd want to tell me he was going to sort it ASAP so we were divorced.

I have the estate agent coming on Thurs morning to go through paperwork to put the house on the market. Not looking forward to that, as I really don't want to move.

Have to get 4 new car tyres tomorrow. Expensive. My original plan was only the front ones as they're on the limit, but one of the rear ones - that didn't really need replacing - has a slow (getting quicker) puncture and keeps going low, very low. Easier and more sensible to get all 4 than 3, that way it's done for quite a while - I hope.
Then the guy is coming to sort out the EPC, survey to see how efficient the house is.

So my week is filling up.

Add to that I have checked and the county bus pass we are going to buy DD might be useless after DD and I move. If I move out of the town we're in to a surrounding 'village', the main bus service(s) are done by an independent provider not the main provider for the county. I do not want to end up having to pay twice.

I have emailed the new company to clarify - although I think I already know their answer - so my decision will be not to buy an annual pass but to buy a 3-monthly one and go from there. Will be slightly more expensive overall but cheaper than having to pay out twice. If STBX doesn't agree then that's his problem and he can pay out twice if he wants.

I'm not looking to leave the area we're in but property needs & prices will dictate my final housing decision.

Last week I had written about the pros of various cat breeds as companion cats and that post definitely got eaten. A subject of little use to you at present time but always dear to my heart .

It has crossed my mind that there might be trouble in paradise for STBX, that he might not be totally sure of this decision. He has done an inordinate amount of foot dragging. I read the other day, on a different thread, that the average divorce takes 6 months where you are. That hasn't been true in this case.

Did he have a tendency to neurosis? He does seem to keep you hanging over and over. I used to wonder if he was being punishing in some way but this has all cost him somewhat, too. It's very odd.

Has it ever crossed your mind about taking him back? I don't think you would after all this but I wonder if he thinks you would. You've changed a lot, don't you think?

As painful as all this has been you are stronger now. In many ways you're a different person from the one you used to be as you have found new inner strengths. You're literally moving on. You'll find a nice place and make it your own.

Oh he's sure of his decision, he just wants to have things done on his own terms and time. He can reply to my emails in an instant - and he has done, he replied to one the other day about me giving the Estate Agent his phone number (for ID checks) within 5 mins! So he can do it..... if he chooses to.
Divorces can be done in that time frame yes, but the average is a yr I think. It's taking longer than I suspected it would anyway.

Taking him back! LMAO! Nope, glad he made the decision actually. That's never been in question, it was the right one. That is not my issue with all of this, it's the way he's gone about everything and OW.

The whole thing is odd. And now it will cost me as he'll just incorporate the bus pass cost into the child maintenance after we've moved. If I could be sure I'd stay in this area I'd say sod it and buy the annual pass. But I can't afford that if it does not pan out. Not after last yrs fiasco.

No question about it, you'll be better off without all the aggravation he brings. Speaking of aggravation, how's your shoulder doing? Did your doctor tell you anything interesting about that? Sometimes these things are caused by stress...not that it's all in your mind, but we hold ourselves differently when we are tense, our muscles tighten up.
You know how that goes. There is a never-ending pile of details to juggle that takes up one's free time and doesn't leave much room for anything else. Nonetheless, everything should seem lighter and easier once you get through this legal process. And there has to be light at the end of the tunnel at this point? I hope so!

Shoulder is actually doing quite well. I have been doing more lifting than normal, clearing the garage and at work, so maybe that's helped? Still waiting for the physio to contact me though, my movement is still a bit limited so need it sorting really. It's a calcium thing apparently. It hurts when it's trying to break it down (?). No doubt stress doesn't help though.

Well it's done. The house has been listed. Have to admit I still don't think it's 'real' as I am in the 'have to sell' mode not 'want to sell' mode. We have a viewer coming over tomorrow, and I have to show them around. Why don't I say no to these things??

The whole process of buying and selling sounds simple, but it's so damn complicated and expensive.

That's amazing! The house is listed and you have a viewer already? It's a huge step and an emotional one, that's for sure. I think it does help if you "want to sell", of course. But even then, it's very hard to transition from seeing it as "your home" to a commodity. Having a viewer reinforces that jangly feeling, I'm sure, even if they are nice.

The process is complicated indeed. Do you really have to be the one to show the place? Can't you have your agent do that for you? Or is it what you prefer? I'd like to close my eyes and pretend the whole thing wasn't happening. It's so strange to see your house through someone else's eyes. I'd probably burst into tears! That would be a selling point .
Hope it's a painless experience, but suspect you'll want a drink after!

Viewing done, she was a nice lady and her grown up son. Actually we got to the subject of work and she actually works for the SOL's I'm using in town! Although DD was more interested that she had house cats!

I just let her and her son wander around, nothing worse than being followed, and to be honest, what am I going to say? I mean, a bedroom is a bedroom!

The agent will normally show viewers around but being a Sunday they don't work so I said I'd do it. They did offer to re-arrange it but, as usual, I didn't say no!
No idea whether she's interested or just bing polite. I guess I'll find out next week.
Sadly I don't drink so nope, no drinks for me.

I read through the pack the SOL, we picked to sell the house, had sent through yesterday for us to fill in and it's so much writing to go through! Not to mention both STBX and I need to sign it, so how is that going to work?? I'll email STBX and tell him what needs to be done, we can either fill it in separately and I send the only bits he needs to sign to him, or he comes over here at the end of the week for us to go through it and take to the SOL's. We also need to produce ID, which I can take to their offices, but STBX needs to decide what he wants to do. If he comes over to sign he paperwork we can do that at the same time.

That first viewing went well, then. That's good. Do you think STBX has enough understanding of what's in his best interests that he won't gum up the works? Meaning will he sign necessary forms, not throw up last minute roadblocks, and so on? You are doing all the heavy lifting on this house sale for which he should be grateful.

You sound like you're handling this very smoothly as if you'd navigated a house sale many times before! Your DD has been a help to you, too, no doubt. She sounds like a good kid. Are you two going to go look around at new places to consider or is it still too soon for that?

Well, it went! Not sure she's interested, she was making all the right comments but didn't seem convincing, and was only here about 5 mins at most! Plus the 1st viewing is never normally the one I suppose. Just hope we get some more this week.

STBX is going to piss me off. He doesn't seem to think time is of the essence. I know i took time to reply to his offer, which was partly out of my control (SOL on hol for 2 weeks) and he didn't give me a time limit, but now we have agreed we need to be pro-active.

We need to sort the (selling) SOL details out, which means him coming over here on Fri so we can sign the paperwork and then go in to show them our ID info. (I say Fri as he finishes work at lunchtime so could come over after that). I will NOT be emailing or sending it all to him, it would cost too much and take too much time - he'd have to receive it, sign it & then send it back to the SOL. Coming over here would take 3 hrs out of his day at most.
I'm not sure he realise how easy he has it, which is why I am expecting him to come over to sign the paperwork. That's the only thing he has to do, sign stuff! I don't really want him here but it has to be done.

Ideally we need to look for places when this has an offer on it. I'm on right move every day looking, so when the time comes I can pick a few then go for it. My financial lady is sorting out a mortgage in principal (kinda just shows I can get a mortgage should anyone doubt it).
It's frustrating to be honest. Knowing there are places there to look at but not being able to look at them. I'm not a patient person! I just want to get this over with.

ps. I may sound like I know what I'm doing but it's called 'winging it' - with the help of google!

You can never tell whether a viewer is a looky-loo or not. My guess is she liked your place and didn't want to give that away too quickly. If she's really interested, she'll be back. Or she could have been scouting for someone, a friend or relative. There are many scenarios. My guess is sooner rather later you'll find a taker and then on to the next leg of the journey. I'm happy for you!

As for STBX...well, what you are asking him to do is very reasonable, you've facilitated much of the sale, so he really, really ought to cooperate. But will he? That is the question. Like I say, he really, really ought to!

As for buying a new place, I think it all starts to get real when you apply for a mortgage in principal, or similar to our getting preapproved. I assume you have an inspection period to make sure everything is as it appears? So many details ahead!

I wonder if you have open houses, a house for sale is open to any viewer who wants to show up without an appointment, usually on the weekend? If so it might be fun for you to go to some open houses with DD and check some places out in person with no obligation. Yes, be a lookyloo .

Winging it is good! Keeps that adrenaline flowing!

Got feedback this morning about the viewing. Lady likes the house and gave good feedback, but her son isn't ready to move and is getting stressed. She's going to wait to put hers on the market and look again in a month or so. EA said he had another couple of enquiries so he's going to look into those and get back to me.

STBX has replied to 2 emails this morning, but not the important one about the SOL paperwork! He replied within 12 mins of one I sent this morning! (even making a phone call in-between as he's the acct holder and needed to speak to them). Not even an email to say he's thinking about it and will get back to me.

It got real when I saw the house listed online tbh. But yes it's happening and I can't stop it, short of winning a large sum of money.
We can get (and pay a large sum) a full survey of the property to make sure it's all in good condition.

We do have open houses, but for most I've seen you still need to register interest so they know roughly how many to expect. You can't just turn up.

Why do you think STBX is rude about emails? That's very annoying, keeping you hanging like that.

Do you think your first viewer was trying to help her DS get into his own home? Well, in any case, you're bound to have more folk taking an interest. (When I see urban UK housing prices I sometimes wonder how anyone can manage to afford anything, unless they already got on the property ladder awhile ago.)

Open houses try to be a festive affair here, though I think mostly it is for the benefit of the agent, to meet potential new clients. You sign in when you enter the open house, that's the extent of it. And you lose your right of representation when you do that. It's an odd business.

I don't know how you deal with STBX without your blood pressure soaring yet you sound very assured. Some therapist once told me it helps to punch a pillow when dealing with frustrating people. I'm sorry but that is ridiculous! What did my pillow ever do to me? .

I don't know why he acts this way with emails. Some don't need a response that quickly and I'm fine with it, but selling the house could happen at any point so having the SOL paperwork in order will only help. And we both have limited time to go to the SOL during the week.

He's replied to another email this morning but that's it. As for why no reply to the SOL one I have no clue. I will chase him up on Friday, I will sort my part out and then he can do what he wants. I will not be posting the docs though, I'm not his bloody skivvy! He wants to see and sign them he needs to come here - either to me or DD but that's putting her in the middle unnecessarily.

The 1st viewer seemed genuine, I think she wants to be closer to work but where she lives now is in the country (about 25 mins away) and it would be a big change, specially for her cats.

I have thought about getting one of those body punching things (without the legs, it's just torso and head) so I can take my frustrations out on that, for anything. It seems like it could be satisfying.

I really can't wait to sign the consent order which will means the end of the financial stuff and I can finally pay off my credit card. And hopefully STBX can apply for the Absolute meaning officially divorced! Yay! I am so over this marriage and waiting for it to legally end. It's been a long wait with only a few weeks to wait. (if he actually gets his finger out and applies).

Is STBX a perfectionist type who gets stymied by little roadblocks on the way to perfection? That's the only thing I can imagine. A procrastinator, in other words. I know this type, it explains why they go into limbo when you least expect it. Some little thing stops them in their tracks and then they wait and wait until something forces them off the dime. It's crazymaking for anyone doing business with them.

By all means get a punching bag as a release for stress, as long as it doesn't hurt your shoulder.

Yes to your freedom at long last. Won't it be nice to use more of your energy for rewarding things that you enjoy doing? The simplest things can be a source of happiness for you because you choose them, whatever they may be. Yes to freedom!

We know he’s a bloody difficult man and it appears that anything that you want him to do - he will bloody delay. He’s making me angry. Do you think he likes having power over you?
It’s exciting for you Itsover - a fresh start - maybe he doesnt like the idea of him not knowing anything about you!!
I’m pleased to read you are becoming more assertive and not dancing to his tune. Keep going x

STBX is definitely not a perfectionist!
I think he just doesn't like me to tell him what to do. He must have known paperwork would need to be signed. I'm not asking him to do anything impossible. He just doesn't want to see me no doubt. In which case he could offer any alternatives but hasn't. He's just ignored it until HE'S ready.

I've had a bit of a crappy week in terms of emotions. PMS time which is always the main problem IMO. If I could stop that i think I'd feel a whole lot better. I ranted this morning, mainly as I feel like I'm the only one doing anything, DD tries to help but doesn't actually do much unless asked, which is tiring. I mean, the recycling can always be done, she just needs to get the sacks from the garage.

DS won't come down to look through stuff in his room, he skyped DD to make a list and then went away to decide what he wanted or didn't want. How he can go through paperwork by skype I don't know. He can't keep all his old schoolwork - not just talking a few books here either, quite a lot of paperwork. He doesn't have a lot in his room but the stuff I don't think he needs can be thrown but he won't go through it!

Mary1935 could be power or he just can't be bothered. Can't make up my own mind. No doubt he'll use his mental health as an excuse, which is completely wrong. You shouldn't hide behind it, I'd love to give up now but I can't.

Sounds like STBX is the controlling type. Was he supposed to stop by today to sign paperwork? You would think he could suggest an alternative, like meet at some location that works for both of you. It all seems arbitrary and not serving any real purpose other than control for control's sake. What a shame you are having to deal with this. He never negotiates, he dictates as he feels like it. That's awful for you.

Does it cost a lot to ship DS's things to him? Or, let him know all papers will go to one of those professional shredder places by X date if he doesn't get to it himself. It's not fair to make you decide what to do with his stuff.

DD does things when asked? Count your blessings! She's at an age where she has to find her bearings and she will. Give her time.

Is there anything you can take for PMS? Hormones play havoc with our lives, Nature doesn't care. It wasn't until I had a baby that I found out the amount of pain I had every month with cramps was worse than childbirth and that amount of pain wasn't "just the way it is". I used to put up with that then but nowadays, no way would I endure that. Life is tough enough.