Husband Has Ended it - road to divorce

[itsovernow1]

Hi
I've had a thread in the Relationship section for a while, thought now we're actually heading for Divorce I'd post a new thread to update here.
All and any advice welcome.

Link to old thread [https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2814181-Husband-has-ended-it?pg=20] hopefully that worked!

I always find it easier to know what I can't do, set that aside, and start with whatever I can do. My rule for survival is always keep moving. You know, like a shark.

To me depression feels like quicksand where everything becomes conflated. You can't move in any direction because everything feels equally bad, little things and big things.

But realistically that's not the case. You do have family, you do have work, you do have support, and no, this toxic situation is not going to go on indefinitely.

STBX does indeed sound toxic for you. I don't know when that happened and if he always was, or he changed, but right now, clearly he brings a great deal of frustration, sadness, and anger into your life that you don't need and you don't deserve. I think you are imagining him as dogging you forever and that I don't believe will be the case. He is not really a big giant pit of doom, he just feels like it right now.

MrsPawsitive - I was actually very upset yesterday when cancelling the hotels, but I know it's for the best, as I really would be scrapping the cash barrel and I don't need that extra stress of worrying about money more than I am already.

The kids in this situation aren't kids any more, they're both adults, even though they're still both in education - college and Uni. Apparently the courts don't consider them any more in a settlement situation, which I find bizarre, I mean how many parents just dump their kids when they turn 18?!
60/40 is quite good according to my SOL.

Nofilter - my problem is I don't feel like this all the time. Yes more often than not, but when I feel in control I know others have it worse than me and just get on with it so I should.
I google things a lot. I've ready too many stories about AD's and side effects. And I just know I'd be the one to get all of them. Putting on weight and sleep trouble are just 2 I've read about and I don't need problems with either as I'm a little overweight enough already (only a stone but enough) and I have enough trouble sleeping without making it worse! I'm very grumpy without sleep.

I do wish I could wake up happy everyday without thinking of other things but I understand myself enough, and know, that I would stop taking any AD's if they started giving me side effects I didn't like. I have no will power in that sense, I wouldn't see the 'good' effects I'd concentrate on the bad.
And you know what, if I'm being honest, I can't be bothered. Going to the Dr is a chore and I only went the other day as I know I have a problem with my shoulder and it's pain that won't go away. (although the one day I go, the pain is a 1, whereas before and after it's a 5-8, even as I type). I've had the x-ray and she'll probably refer me to a physio, which by the time it comes around I'll make an excuse and not go. It's hassle. I want to think I'll go but of the date/time doens't work I will excuse myself.
How do you help someone that is lazy in this respect? You can't. I won't help myself. Bottom line.

MrsPawsitive - I don't like the person I became when married, not STBX's fault as I'm in control of myself, I do believe he enabled it though, unconsciously.
I just want him our of my life, for my own sake. I don't need to have a reminder that he's in a relationship and moved on completely. Sadly I can't get away from it/him as DD will obviously still see him/her. I'm just stuck with this situation and I can't get away. I'm an out of sight out of mind kind of person. I could handle it if DD wasn't going to live with me.

I don't want STBX to even know where I live. He can pick DD up from a neutral location, he never needs to know. But how is that practical? I really don't want him to know. I need a clean break. I need to know my life is my business. It's all very one sided and I can't get away from it.

I want to think I'll go but of the date/time doens't work I will excuse myself.
should read:
I want to think I'll go but if the date/time doesn't work I will excuse myself.

My grammar & spelling sometimes is shocking.

Nerves get to me. I admit that. I'm a worrier. I worry if I don't know where I'm going or who I'm going to see, I will look stupid. I look things up on the internet of where I'm going and if it looks complicated or not obvious then I won't go. Like the NHS CBT appt, apart from the fact I didn't think it was the right treatment - I need proper counselling to sort my deep rooted issues out - I didn't know where to go. I knew which building it was in, but having been there a few times before (blood tests) it wasn't obvious where in particular my appt would be. There are no signs up as such.

I chicken out. It's the easier option.

I used to feel like you about taking meds. My mind was just constantly ticking about everything, mostly negative. However, I am on meds now and it has taken the edge of without any real side effects. Sometimes taking a pill is a way to be kind to yourself and give yourself a break from the negative thoughts in your head. You don't have to take them forever and if it helps you a little through a bad time, that's got to be a good thing?

But how do you know they'll help and not make it worse?

I am sceptical about most things. Negative about everything. If there's something to talk about I'll head for the negative not positive. I try not to, and don't say everything I feel as I know how it sounds.

How do you know they won't help? Honestly, I'm better than I was six months ago since starting a low doseage of anti anxiety medication. The first couple of days I felt a bit zoned out, but once I got used to them, they really did stop my head from constantly ticking. You could try them for a month and see how it goes?

Hello,

I think if untreated depression manifests into a really deep inability to think clearly - and - like you've described below an overall vibe of "I don't care."

You are a heartbeat away from a possible big change from how you are feeling... if you don't do something different - things will just stay as they are... like treading water and feeling stuck.

You could waste years feeling like this and then try the medical help when things get worse and be so regretful that you wasted all that time!

It's only a vey very slight change in me since I've been on them. It just feels like that horrible knotted up feeling of dread in my stomach isn't there and things just seem bearable - I can honestly say life is good!! It could be for you too - and all of these problems that are major for you right now may seem very different if you treated this Mental Health illness it sounds like you ar suffering from.. you deserve to be happy OP.

Seriously give it a go you've zilch to lose.... don't rob yourself of this opportunity - you've been through enough for that to happen...

Xxxx

I can relate to this: I'm an out of sight out of mind kind of person.
I see the dilemma you have, that DD, through no fault of her own, will act as a bridge to STBX et al. Well, that's a problem. I can see that. How do you do "out of sight, out of mind" under the circumstances? It's a tough question.

And so far I think you'd rather feel the raw, aching pain than mask it with AD. Most people are going to look at that and go "Yikes! Why would you want to put yourself through that?"

The thing is, on this forum you get to vent. It's a safe place to say what you're feeling. Whatever you decide, this a place where you get support without judgement. Some really good suggestions have been made here. You know you have people rooting for you!

That's very well put mrs... there's an abundance of support here OP...

Hugs xx

Thank you, Nofilter. I'm all for using whatever tools help us be our best selves. Depression can make us feel like we don't have any lifelines but we always do, even if we don't see them right away. Last but not least, hearing the voices of others who have been there helps me hear myself.
That's very important to me.

How are you doing , Over? We had a mini-hurricane here which left huge piles of debris to clean up. It never ends! Hopefully you'll be seeing more progress on the legal front now that you've accepted STBX's offer?

Hi Over - you need to call his bluff re mortgage - he’s a bully really - why should you clear his shit from the shed?
I was reluctant to take ADs for 10 years - but let me tell you - for me they are really really helpful - they cleared my mind and gave me energy
You do sound low in mood.
Have you looked up the signs and symptoms of depression - MIND have some information.
You need to let your daughter know that you do not want to know anything about her dad and that equally she is not to discuss you with him.
I don’t like him - you must have jumped to his tune when you where married and he continues to dangle you.
You also lack confidence and it would be good if we could go into a shop and ask for “a bag of confidence”
These are observations - not critisms-
It will be great to move and have a fresh start.
It will be a fresh start for you - your daughter will be away at university -
You could rent out her room for air B and B to generate some income? But it may not be for you.
I hope you can find happiness in the future. 🌺

JugglingaBoxofFrogs True. That's part of my problem. I go to the negative side. It's the side effects I don't want and no one can guarantee I wno't have any/all of them. I have 2 jobs to hold down, I don't need any more issues clouding my head. If I could just be left on my own I'd deal with it my own way. But DD being here ALL the time just means I can't, I have to act a certain way. As usual. I hate the unknown and as I don't have to take them I won't. I know they work for others, my DS's BF takes the same one I was prescribed, for his anxiety.

Nofilter It all makes perfect sense, and to see others working through it is great. For me it's not so great.

STBX sent an email early last week to state he'd be replying to my SOL's letter (offer acceptance) by the end of the week if possible. Obviously wasn't. I wasn't waiting with baited breathe for a reply but if someone says something then do it or just not mention it in the first place.
He also asked if I'd like to continue conversations via email rather than via the SOL's so we can iron out the little issues etc. without incurring more costs. I took time to think and replied I'd wait until I heard from his SOL before saying yes or no to that. I know it would save money but I can't help but think he would use anything I say as gospel, even though his email stated it wouldn't be.

The roof has been fixed, the fence panels have been changed. More jobs to do which I really can't be bothered with.

Feeling flat right now. I woke up this morning and didn't have anything to do, what's the point? Well actually I did put the washing on. That's not really doing anything though, and I'd love to not do it.

MrsPawsitive
Yes, DD is the link to STBX I don't need or want.
I will stipulate to him and the kids I don't want him to know my address, location of house etc. I can't deal with that. Very strange to some but that has to be the rule otherwise I will implode. My new place is none of his concern, I will never know his address so why should he know mine? He can contact DD via any number of ways these days, without a physical address. She can meet him at a neutral location. He can give her cards from him/family when he sees her.
If I find out he knows where I live I will pack DD up and take her to his location, or his parents and he can pick her up from there. It's not up for negotiation.

I just want to be on my own. But that's never going to happen.

My guess is that everything will feel better when you get through this divorce and on to the rest of your life. Is your DD generally good about respecting boundaries? If so, this won't be too difficult for her.

Are you more concerned that STBX will be curious about your life or that you don't want to hear anything about his life? If it were me I wouldn't want to hear a single word. I wouldn't want to hear any info either way, neither good or bad, since I don't care for schadenfreude.

I sense that what's important for you is to not be defined by STBX in any way, in the sense of reacting to him or feeling judged by him or feeling any emotions in regards to him at all. When you're married to someone you can't help but care about what they think. But now things have changed and you don't want to care about what he thinks at all.

You want your own place to be truly your own place. That sounds reasonable to me.

I just feel guilty putting DD in the middle.
I won't feel better if STBX is still around. And he will be. For at least 2 yrs until DD goes to Uni (IF she goes to Uni....).

I just feel that once the divorce is done, finances are done, I need to move on. If it was a friend I'd make a clean break and nothing would be strange about that. This is no different. He's nothing to me so it's in my control. I need control. I want a complete break.

STBX won't care about my life. And I won't care about his. I don't need to know anything.
I care about what everyone thinks, that's a big challenge to overcome.

Having gone to see another financial adviser, I am more confused and frustrated and have no clue what to do. Do I go with the 1st lady I saw or this guy?
I don't understand numbers. I look at them and they just don't make sense. People talk at me with different facts and figures I don't understand, I just nod and try to ask the right questions but still don't understand. I come out slightly more enlightened but no clearer on my options.

I know what I need - I want to be loaned an amount I can afford over a set time period and to pay a rough amount per month. Past that it's confusing. All this % stuff. And fees payable to the sol to sell and buy, the advisor, the estate agent.
Add in everything else. I want to give up right now. Just accept anything.

I don't understand. Other people seem to grasp simple things I don't. But I just nod and smile. I should grasp these things. I don't. My head just hurts and I shut off.

Rant coming up.. keep scrolling by. I need to vent.

After doing some more googling I have decided to never take anti depressants. They work for others, no doubt. But the other effects? I already am overweight, poor sleep. Yes they may make me think clearer but I already worry about my weight and sleep, that will just heighten I suspect and I can't risk it. Thinking clearer won't make me an optimist. I will still think of the worst case scenario.
I have even decided against going on the pill to try to suppress my periods because of the possible side effects.

But thank you for all the comments. I am happy they work for other people and make life better.

I just need to be on my own. Bottom line. I really don't care what happens. I'd give up now if I could. I read and see stories of others who have everything to live for only to have their lives cut short, life is unfair. I am here waiting to die but nothing bad happens. How is that fair? It's not. I am too much of a coward to do anything that causes pain to end the pain. Pathetic. I do have a supply of pills (from a while ago for pain) but I've read pills sometimes don't work and can cause more harm.

A shy unsociable weirdo being on their own forever? That's no life anyway, to me. I don't want to be this way. Working 2 manual jobs, that will have to last until they pay their last mortgage payment in 22 yrs. How do others do it? I worry about losing my jobs and not having enough money. I worry about everything.

There is a pattern in my family. My nan died when my mum was 39. My mum died when I was 39. When I worked it out my kids were about the same age as me & my sister were. Can't be a coincidence. (both to cancer). 21 yrs. Roughly the same as a mortgage term I'll be taking. Ironic huh?

At least the weather is slightly cooler.

Why don't people listen though? If I tell people not to bother with my birthday they will get the huff? Why? I don't want to celebrate it, another yr older - that to me isn't a celebration, I understand others love birthdays but why should I?
Xmas, I've already decided I don't want to celebrate any more, but I'll go through the same 'guilt' as last yr, others not understanding it's just another day to me. I'd go to work if I could, but the shop shuts. I'd work xmas eve and NY's eve/day but the shop shuts early so I'd have to go in early and then serve customers all the time, which is my worst nightmare and I actually hate, but have no choice right now (only an hr each work night but still, I get anxious, I know nothing about DIY and which nail to use....).
Advice is always appreciated, always, but if I feel strongly about something why am I made to feel guilty?

Re: guilt about DD and her in the middle. She shouldn't have to pay for her father's poor choices, of course, but that was his doing, not yours.
You can feel bad for her but don't feel guilty. Well, maybe you feel guilt about resenting her sometimes but that's natural, every parent encounters that.

Re: financial decisions, are you talking about qualifying for a house loan? It really shouldn't be terribly different from here, you qualify and you also pay lender fees, which is where lenders make their upfront money. If you have to pay a solicitor, too, that's different from here, but is still part of fees, I would assume. So what other complicating questions have you encountered re: the loan? I find all aspects of real estate fascinating, not being nosey .

Re: ADs, I myself personally avoid taking pills of any sort and even hesitate over aspirin. But that's me, so don't go by that. Each one of us is different. Have you noticed any connection between fatigue or time of the month with overthinking?

I'm always amazed at how you can hold down two jobs and then casually mention how you took care of the new roof and the fence! You judge yourself harshly but honestly, you do very well at taking care of business and I'm not just saying that. It's true.

Try to work on giving yourself credit. Give yourself a pat on the back once in awhile. I'm pretty sure you deserve it!

DD - I feel guilty as I can't control my feelings on the subject, I go quiet. and I get angry inside.

Financial decisions, yes about the house loan (mortgage over here) and getting the best % rate, there are so many to choose from and so many different lenders. Plus do I go for a 2 yr or 5 yr, or even longer, fixed rate or a variable one? A lifetime loan? Who knows.
Then yes you have to pay a solicitor to act on your behalf, then you pay the estate agent for selling your property for you, having a survey done. Then fees for buying, fees for the financial advisor. Moving fees for someone to move to the new place. Fees everywhere.

It's overwhelming and I am always second guessing myself even for the smallest decision so this is very intimidating. Plus I am not good with numbers. At all. This decision could cost me a lot of money over the years if I get it wrong.

I also looked into the company pension schemes my 2 places have. I think I've settled on one, with the help of a website to work things out. It's slightly clearer. I need to actually start saving for retirement properly again (to add to my measly other pension but they'll be kept separate) and my work will also add money to match what I contribute which helps.

Time of the month is harshest with my mood but lately I've found every day to be a struggle. Haven't wanted to bother cooking, which is fine for me (a sandwich will do for dinner, not lunch, rarely bother with 2 meals like that) but not DD. But yes PMS does play a huge part.

I did find out that the results of the xray on my shoulder have been received at the Drs. I have an appt next week to discuss it, the receptionist said it came back as 'abnormal' and I need to see the Dr. So I'm kinda glad it proves there is a problem, now have to find out what kind of problem.

I just feel like I'm drowning in information.

Are you trying to sort too many things out at once? It can be overwhelming if you give yourself too many tasks. Can you break them into smaller chunks and deal with each thing in it's entirety (where possible) before moving on to the next thing?

If interest rates are on the rise, you may be better with a 5 year fixed rate. With that, you would know that your mortgage will be £x for 5 years, no matter what. Most fixed rates revert to the standard variable at the end of the agreed term.

I hope your shoulder issue will be easily resolved.

Oh, dear, you never want to hear "abnormal"...what could that mean? If you lift things on the job that might be aggravating the shoulder problem, whatever it is. Hopefully nothing too serious.

Do you have to roll over all proceeds from the sale of the house into another residence in order to avoid taxes? In other words, could you set a little aside for emergencies? That might alleviate some stress in the future.

Thirty-year mortgages are common here. It's sort of a racket. You have a lower payment that way but the only way you build equity quickly is if there is inflation or lots of demand. That works in places everyone wants to be like Los Angeles. Similar to London, I imagine.

I think a good general policy is to keep your mortgage close to what comparable rent would be. Have you looked around at properties at all? Do you have any feeling for what kind of place you need? That's going to influence how much you're willing to spend, I'm sure.