Husband Has Ended it - road to divorce

[itsovernow1]

Hi
I've had a thread in the Relationship section for a while, thought now we're actually heading for Divorce I'd post a new thread to update here.
All and any advice welcome.

Link to old thread [https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2814181-Husband-has-ended-it?pg=20] hopefully that worked!

Didn't want to read and run! I know what you mean about decision making. I especially don't like being rushed into making a decision.

Sounds like STBX expects everything on his timetable after how long of foot dragging on his part, he says you better heave to! Wow! Having read your posts from the beginning I have to laugh at the nerve of him! Your response sounds great, btw.

Do you have any way to buy him out of the house equity by recasting the mortgage or extending the term, going no interest loan, and so forth, maybe even getting your Dad to help out if it makes it easier for you to be there for him as he gets older? I suppose there's no easy path but its good to look at all your options and by all means, take the time you need to do so!

I think he is just trying it on and throwing his weight around - if he didn't give you a time limit especially. Everyone knows that people are away on holiday at this time of year and as MrsP says, he has a bit of a sauce considering the amount of time you have waited for documentation from him - look this up and have it at your fingertips in case he keeps on being uppity. "You gave me no deadline and my sol had to wait x number of weeks for your form y etc etc".

Perhaps it might be as well to remind him that it will be to his detriment too if he stops paying his share of the mortgage and the house is repossessed - state this as a real possibility as you simply cannot afford more than you are already paying.

As I say, I think he is trying it on and when you speak to your sol on Monday I think she might tell you to just hold your nerve while she considers her reply.

This is a difficult time - this time next year you will be rid of him, think of that. I tell you, it's like a weight being lifted when it happens.

I know this has taken more time than I would like, it wasn't my intention to keep him waiting so long, but I really didn't have the time when I received the offer to go through it and make decisions.

Once I received the offer I needed to see what options were actually available. Before I could only speculate, having facts (to a degree) I could look at things more closely.

If I could pay my half of the mortgage monthly I would, I just don't have the funds to pay that, plus a SOL, plus everyday living. I don't spend frivolously at all. I don't drink, smoke, eat out every week, buy clothes, shoes, jewellery, nik naks.... I don't have hobbies. I'm kinda boring! Going away for a few days here and there in the summer has been done as frugally as possibly and any money we brought back from this trip will go towards the next few days away we have. I always do cashback sites for a lot of payments. I can cut back on food (I have a sweet tooth!) but not a great deal to matter.

I just need to let things happen. I can't change what he's going to do if he's set on it. I need to see what my SOL says tomorrow and go from there. I am trying not to panic. Unfortunately I am a glass half empty kind of girl.

I know he wants this to end, believe me so DO I! But I won't be rushed just to suit him. He has to remember if I don't pay the difference he's reducing his payment by then we go into arrears and it affects us BOTH. Actually it affects not only us but DD. I mean, it will affect any mortgage offer I receive. Plus if he insists on a lesser offer than 60/40 then DD WILL be living with him, which I don't think he expects to be a reality.

I have tried every avenue to buy him out, we're just coming up short on the sums though. I haven't heard back yet (weekend) from the financial lady to see if she thinks it can be done. Not holding my breathe!
He always does this at the weekend though, so I can't actually speak to anyone.

We're like £18K short. It's frustrating!

He can bluster all he wants but he's bluffing, you know he is. He can't afford to lose his share of the house equity. He must have thought you would be overjoyed by his magnanimous offer. Which really wasn't amazing for you, was it?

At the end of the day it's going to be what's it's going to be. Just keep saying, "I'm doing the best I can." What more can you do? You absolutely are doing the best you can, what more can he reasonably expect?

You will be so happy when you don't have to deal with his tantrums anymore.

Well he replied late last night basically giving me until this Friday to accept the offer. If I couldn't buy him out then I was going to accept anyway, I just needed time to find out information.
He basically backed down on everything - until the Friday deadline anyway - and said because I wouldn't even let him pick DD up from the house how could he come over to sort stuff out?
Um, we talked about this jan/feb time (after the house ban was in place) and I didn't have a problem with him coming over to pick his stuff up from the garage after he brought DD back one day, with prior arrangement obviously. He didn't accept the dates I gave him for Mar and said we should wait 'for better weather'. So it could have been done months ago but he didn't want to.
He also stated he wants the house on the market by the end of August. I said that's an unrealistic time frame. I will not spend my waking moments doing the house up and it's done when it's done. I won't be rushing but I won't be holding back either. It's too hot to rush.

He also wanted to pick the estate agent and I told him I wouldn't agree to that mainly as he's not the one who has to work with them in person, I am. I will ask for 3 current valuations, hear their 'sell' and go from there.

I have asked around for 2 roof quotes and they're both coming over later I think. (one recommended by next door who had his roof sorted earlier this yr).

STBX is paying for a skip so I can clear the garage. I will also need to tell him he's paying half of all costs I incur when tidying things up around the house (silicone, grout etc..) and 2 fence panels are also needed as I've ignored them since the winds earlier in the yr, but you can't sell a house with dodgy fence panels! It's not a good look.

Just too much to think about, I have no real idea where to start! I have made a list of each room that needs sorting out but it's a little daunting. Not big jobs but just time consuming.

My SOL emailed this morning apologising to all of us about the delay and will be drafting a letter today.
We shall see.

Stick to your guns Over and just let him bluster.

He's a bit bossy, isn't he, wants this, wants that!

Lots of questions immediately occur in the face of his demands. Getting a place ready for sale is a big effort. You aim for some acceptable middle ground, mostly clean and neat and no obvious flaws. Even if you want to do it all yourself, do you know how much it would cost to have someone clean up/sort/pack up for you?

And can you really clear the garage all by yourself? You shouldn't be lifting heavy stuff. You can't afford to hurt your back.

Is it even possible to have the house ready by end of August? Around here many people put their homes on the market at the end of the school year, not at the beginning. It's a shame he dragged his feet all spring. It's going to be what it's going to be. He needs to understand you're not a magician!

I'm accepting the offer as it's the easiest thing. I can't make sums work to buy him out and it's getting confusing!

I've had the 2 quotes for the roof and just emailed him. I'll see what he says.
The money he says he's going to stop paying me is more than half the mortgage plus the gas/elec bill he pays. Not sure where he got the figure from, I'm guessing he's also adding on part of DD's phone plan as well. Which is a cheek as he agreed to pay it ALL.

Basically I've emailed him to say I will pay the gas/elec bill but the mortgage is a no go. My money is stretched as it is, can't just print it off when I need it!
On one hand he's telling me he's going to stop paying all this money yet he's saying he'll pay for a skip!

He'll have to come up with a solution if he won't pay it in full. We can take a payment holiday or reduce payments if need be, no ideal but it would work. But that's up to him. If he puts a mark on my credit file then it will work against him as it will make it more difficult for me to get a mortgage - and that will also affect DD.

Well yes he's being bossy. Guess he thinks it's being proactive.

I don't think he sees getting the house ready as a big deal. But you want the best price and the work you put in should make a difference.
As for getting it ready for the end of August, it's a possibility but means I'll have to work my socks off, which is why I've told him it's an unrealistic timeline. I'll see how he replies!

My family are coming round to help with the garage/shed which is good news. I've told STBX the date I want the skip so the rest is up to him. He hasn't replied yet.

I have a shoulder problem - think I've mentioned it before - and it's not going to sort itself out so I am seeing the Dr on Wed to see what she suggests. Need to get it sorted, with 2 physical jobs I can't afford to ignore it any more.

My SOL has sent her draft letter through, basically telling him him I accept the offer and I can't pay the mortgage. I will see what STBX replies to me emails, what my fam thinks of the draft and then ask her to send it if OK.

That's good to hear that you are getting help from family with the garage cleanup/sorting.

You can't do all the heavy lifting, in reality or metaphorically. He must understand that?

One little slip can cost you a lot if you wrench your shoulder or pull a muscle in your back. It might be tempting to see how much you can do yourself, I'm sure you don't want him hovering about, for example.

But it is fraught with fatigue and risk for you to do all the work on the house. I actually enjoy painting and laying tile and scrubbing grout when I have nothing else going on but doing all that under pressure is no fun at all. You have to pay someone else to do those things. Does he understand he has to share the costs?

As you say, you already work two jobs, and your ability to work at those jobs would be compromised if you are injured. This is more likely to occur when you are tired, of course. It's very good you are seeing your doctor.

Not that you have to lay tile, necessarily :-)

I just have to make a plan of where to start, there's a good few things to do and I'm just getting in a muddle of which one to do first!

He has said he'll pay blah blah blah but he can't do it until after payday, why not mention that at the start? That way I know the timeline.... I do understand that people have to wait but if he'd mentioned it I wouldn't start planning!
I won't be doing anything until after he's transferred money though. He says he has no spare cash, meaning he has but won't spend it on this. He must have spent at least £50 putting DD up in a hotel when she went over there her b/day week. Guess we have different ideas about how to spend it. Which was the big problem before. I am a saver kind of person, whereas he'll spend it.

I admit with the very hot weather we're having at the moment it's difficult to get motivated to do any work! I need to just dive in and see what happens.
If I can finish one room I may be more motivated. It's the getting started that's a biggie for me. Plus having to stop, tidy up and then go to work in the evening is tough! Ah well, onward and upward.
Docs tomorrow. Here's hoping I get somewhere.

I did get an email from STBX confirming I can accept the roof quote I want, the cheaper one. Both guys were OK and would have done a good job I feel but cheaper wins!

Also I am confused as to why STBX is being so difficult with the mortgage. He has said he will pay Aug's one, but hasn't said what will happen with Sept onwards. I have told him about payment holidays and even putting the monthly payment down - both we can do for more than a few months if needed (and from today if we need to). But he doesn't seem to acknowledge either option.
I am trying not to mention child maintenance yet but my SOL has put it in the draft letter, saying I won't ask for it until we sell the house but only IF he still pays the mortgage until then. That's fair IMO.

Any news on the paperwork front?

I get the feeling he still expects you to do all the heavy lifting re: getting house sorted and ready to sell. He's being difficult with the mortgage because he sees that as a way to hurry the house into sale status. As if you're the big holdup!

Well my SOL has just emailed to say she's sent the offer acceptance letter.
There is a proviso in there that as long as he continues to pay the mortgage I won't claim child maintenance. We shall see. I won't claim CM until the house is sold and then I will go the formal route so it's all recorded legally. He'll probably say we could do an informal one but nope, not this time. I've trusted him too many times.

There is no excuse not to pay the mortgage in some form, we can take a break from payments for a while (not just a month) or put the payment down to a level he can afford. He's just being stubborn, he knew these options existed (we've used one of them before) but couldn't be arsed to do anything about it and yes try to make me rush this.
But the simple fact is, I can't pay what he wants me to pay. I am not spending my last pennies each month but I'm not rolling in it either. I'm careful and think before spending. (although I do each far too much junk food! I'm lazy in that respect!)

I've made a start on the painting, still a lot to do though. I won't be rushing in this weather. After all the jobs are done, I still have to de-clutter inside the house, mainly so it looks good for buyers but so I can pack away my most personal stuff that's on show at the moment so when he and OW look on RM I can keep some privacy going. Seems petty I guess but it means something to me.

I really am not looking forward to moving. I am settled. Packing up and moving to a place I may not be 100% certain about scares me. I have enough trouble choosing a meal in a restaurant let alone a house!

Hello, OP.

I have read your thread as I'm going through a separation and packing to move.

Wanted to offer you a handhold.

Benefitwidow - thank you. It's tough isn't it?
Packing will be a nightmare, I can already feel myself sweating at the thought!

I am going to be buying a new dining table (current one very old and probably too big for my new 'downsized' place!) and a new bed. I think I deserve that. I am trying to be positive but it's tough when you don't actually want to move.

Good luck with yours. New starts and all that. (easy to say hard to do...)

Hey,

I'm going to be buying sofa, beds, dining table, white goods unless I find somewhere with integrated.

Everything I am going to buy. Right down to the laSt teaspoon. Fuck him. And it will all be mines. All of it.

Anyway, I think you've been incredible in this thread and just wow, the support. How lovely when women come together to support one of our own.

My situation isn't as tough as yours. I don't have any dependent children so it is just me to move on.

But it's still hard. However, onwards we go.

BW

The more stuff you get rid of, the better the place looks, ironically. That makes it a little harder to let go, I admit.

Nonetheless, I promise the possibility of a fresh start elsewhere will put a spring in your step!
You'll get into it and enjoy making choices that aren't compromised by the past. We all have baggage of one sort or another to let go. It feels grand to do so.

Over, you've got two jobs to maintain while you're doing all this. I hope the sheer volume of work involved with moving doesn't become overwhelming and exhausting for you? Take it one day at a time. Benefit, your line about down to the last teaspoon made me laugh. "New everything" is symbolic and I'm a real believer in the power of symbols.

Well, yeah, but I can't go overboard with buying new stuff, I need to buy the necessities like curtains etc... and decorate which will take up any budget I have.

I am in a down mood right now though, not so much the PMT, although that could be helping. I've just cancelled the last of my 2 breaks for Aug. I cancelled the overnight one we were going to do on my birthday last week, as the funds weren't there. And now I've cancelled the 3 days away we were having the weekend before.
Luckily I did it on a site where I got free cancellation.
Gutted tbh. I was looking forward to both but it seems that nothing goes right at the moment. Finances in particular.

I'm STBX's personal lackey, whether I like it or not. He sits back and just flashes the cash while I do all the work.
I've got to pay half the roof and fencing costs, plus the other little bits I've got to buy to sort the house out, I've taken over the gas/elec bill and DD is now 18 so I pay full council tax (until she goes back to college but that won't be until October's payment). And I need 2 new tyres, possibly 3 if the rear one keeps going down for no reason. This month is a squeeze.

What is the point? He's probably got way more spare cash (he does earn 3 times more than I do plus has a partner to share the costs) to go out and about doing what he wants and hasn't got DD living with him. Seems I lose on every count. I've accepted an offer I don't want and have to move out of my home. can't do anything else as I don't have the money to buy him out*

There are no positives right now. Doesn't matter how you spin it. F*cking pointless.

.

That's a shame about having to cancel your August breaks. Of course you're feeling down, it's only natural.

I still don't understand why everything is 50/50 on expenses if this is the case: he does earn 3 times more than I do plus has a partner to share the costs? Don't courts take that into consideration?

There was a discussion about this yesterday on another thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3317190-the-ex-wife?pg=3. Some links were posted re: what courts factor in when deciding who can afford what.

It makes it seem like he's taking advantage of you. You're doing so much of the work as well as sharing costs for the house and move. How can that be right?

OP iVe only just come across your story here - you've been very dignified and strong - but I cannot tell you enough how clearly you are

CHRONICALLY DEPRESSED

I know you've written the idea of ADs off before but you are literally living in misery when you don't have to!!

Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain - totally out of your control!!

I would highly recommend - urge you even to try a course of ADs imagine if you could be feeling happier within a few weeks? Just imagine that for a moment....