Husband Has Ended it - road to divorce

[itsovernow1]

Hi
I've had a thread in the Relationship section for a while, thought now we're actually heading for Divorce I'd post a new thread to update here.
All and any advice welcome.

Link to old thread [https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2814181-Husband-has-ended-it?pg=20] hopefully that worked!

Take this deal or else.
DD lives with me no matter what.

I feel I'm making a much bigger compromise than I want to accept. But as usual I don't have a choice. I do feel backed into a corner right now.

Actually now you've got me worried. He could turn round next week and tell me to pay half. That would be the nightmare scenario as I'd have to pay it or risk my credit rating taking a bashing. That's something I don't need and STBX knows that. I'd argue the point but in the end it would need paying. And HE knows I'd pay it rather than risk it. Crap.

It would leave me with nothing after bills/food and petrol are paid each month, meaning no SOL fees paid, nothing for DD, nothing for me and no float in case anything happens, including doing the house up for sale. That's slightly depressing. Damn.

It wouldn't be in his best interests to stop paying the mortgage - if you go into arrears that would come off the value of the house - it might even be repossessed - how would he get his share of the equity then.

Obviously see what your solicitor has to say, but if you get 60/40 and you religiously bill him for half of every expense, and if he continues paying the mortgage - and if you can coerce him into giving you some practical help using the argument that otherwise it will take ages to get the house ready for sale - I think that for your own peace of mind you might have to settle for that provided that your sol doesn't advise you otherwise.

You might find that once you have moved into a much smaller place, DD might not find it so favourable and might push to move in with her father or find her own place.

It all depends on what your legal advice is - but I think your state of mind needs to have some closure on this now. Then you don't need to see him again ever.

I know it's in his best interests as well - to keep paying - but if he thinks he can get away with only paying half he will. He will have been advised by others to do that and he knows I will pay as I hate things like that (arrears etc...). I suppose I need to wait and see what happens. Asking won't do any good as it's only words. Plus IF he hasn't thought of it it could plant an idea in his mind.

He's stubborn, his SOL has made it clear he won't be helping. So I will be making MY terms clear - it takes as long as it takes without being pressured and he pays half the expenses (before I get my work discount!). I will not want to hang this out for months as I need closure as well but it will take as long as it takes. I won't busting my arse. If he can't or won't help he has to accept that - or get HIS arse over here to do some work! Although I feel we have missed the window of opportunity to sell easily, we're near good schools and people want to move in time for the new term don't they. Fingers crossed.

DD isn't a lot of bother but sometimes, with the way I feel, I just need space (I have never lived alone and envy people who have). I am hoping once she goes back to college I will get some 'alone'/private time (but she'll only be gone 3 days at most). I have said she needs to get a job at the weekend, I'm not holding my breathe though. It would be good for her. We have a large retail park near us so not short of places to look.

After checking online about Child benefit, I see I could also get the child/working tax credits again. Do I really want to go down that route?? It gave me a lot of worry last time. I will see nearer the time. It would be a massive help if only for 2 yrs. I could save most of the money in case of overpayment and then for when I can't claim any more. It could also pay for DD's driving lessons. Decisions decisions.
But yes kaitlinktm I do need closure. And to get rid of him! Wondering if he'll pop up again! Although I think now he's going through his SOL for everything.

For your peace of mind and overall sanity I don't think it's unreasonable for you to get things in writing regarding STBX's share of financial responsibilities during the sale of the house. You're already stressed out by his vagueness and delays and evasiveness. That only looks worse for you when you're in the middle of a house sale. He does tend to shift responsibility to you and that's really unfair to you. Don't stand for it except when your SOL says you have no choice.

You and STBX may well have different ideas about what is best. He might decide he can force your hand into a quick sale if that's what works for him. You need to maintain good credit but maybe he doesn't. Maybe OW is a fabulously rich heiress with a string of properties around Great Britain. Who knows?

He may act according to what is in his best interests, but what are those? He was secretive enough in the past, why wouldn't he be now? This is the type of personality you have to pin down, and I know that's a big giant drag to do but he's going to drive you crazy if you don't. I hope the law is on your side in this situation because you deserve better than this. Get what is yours!

He's counting on you doing the right thing so he doesn't have to commit. That's not the upper hand, that's underhanded. It just seems like a good policy to get things spelled out and put in writing so he can't keep pulling the rug out from under you.

Cleaning up and fixing up to sell is not that hard if you hire professionals to take care of that. Paying for that is not fun but at least everything happens quickly.

The sorting part is difficult and gets potentially emotional. It's a shame that STBX is unlikely to help with that. Sharing that task might provide closure for both of you. I think of the two of you, you are likely to emerge from this stronger and healthier.

Well, whatever STBX does he will affect his DD (and DS, albeit not directly right now as he's at Uni). Depends if he's thinking of that. I suspect not. Remember if he messes up my credit rating I can't buy a place that suits 2 people....
Although as I said, he knows I'll pay because I'm that sort of person. And if I argue the point it'll make drag it out, the credit rating will still suffer. The only person who loses is me. I just hope he doesn't pull this stunt.

Sorting out won't be emotional. Far from it! The garage is a mess - mainly as I said from STBX being someone who didn't think tidying was needed or cleaning his tools after using them! - so that will be like a cleansing experience! And a dirty one!
When I suggested this back in Jan/Feb he seemed like it wouldn't be a problem, guess I know now why he stalled when I gave him 2 dates to choose from. Although my sense was if we got it sorted out before the financial stuff we could then agree on that and put it on the market ASAP. My logic wasn't good enough obviously.

Tools can be worth some money. Can you sell them? I don't know if you have garage sales but that might be an easy way to get rid of things you don't want to move. Or, you might be able to get someone to clean the garage in exchange for the tools? Heave-ho, away we go! That should go quite quickly :-)

A lot of the tools aren't worth anything in the state they're in! Others I might keep. I won't rush to chuck too much that could be useful until I know where I'm going. There's a lot of rubbish that needs throwing, so that should clear quite a bit of space, tidying the tools and a general clean up should see it looking quite clean.

I haven't seen my SOL yet so no news on that front. Next week.

I have emailed STBX re DD's bus pass for college in Sept. I can't and won't pay for it all - again - and I've told him he needs to pay half. That was on Friday and no reply as yet. It's not like it's a surprise or anything, happens every yr they go to college. If he doesn't pay he'll have to explain to DD as I won't.

DD is now an adult. We went out for dinner last night and had a good time with my dad/sis/BIL.
She sees her dad and his OW on Fri/Sat to visit his parents on Sat. (strange as they only live an hour away from here). I'd be fine if OW wasn't always around (or around from before we split for that matter....). DD needs to see her dad on her own. There is no reason whatsoever for OW to tag along to these things, they're not her children. STBX and OW can go see his parents whenever they feel like it. She didn't need to go with STBX to see DS up north either, DD and STBX should have gone on their own. But I guess neither OW or STBX think it's a 'big deal' so aren't seeing an issue. I am. And always will.
It's something I will struggle with and making DD live with me means it will always be in my face. I am bitter about that, and if not careful, will be resentful.

DS and his bf were down for a few days last week, it was a school friends birthday. While he was here we also booked an appt for a private dermatologist. We found out that DS would have to wait until mid Sept for an NHS one and he can't wait that long. We'll see next week what happens.

Next week is the last week before the break for summer at my day job and then DD & I go away. Can't wait.

I'm probably also a little pissed about this weekend as it would have been our anniversary as well. It's something I didn't think about when we got married, it was my parents anniversary and seemed a good idea when choosing the date, which means it's not something I'll ever forget. ..... Bad idea.....

You sound in pretty good spirits, all things considered! Maybe it's the thought of taking a break?

What a shame STBX and OW can't be more sensitive. Unfortunately there are people who suit themselves and are oblivious to everyone else.

Really detestable way STBX and OW have been acting, effectively expecting neutrality from everyone, including the kids. A variation on "Wendying", don't know if you read that recent thread? After I read that I thought that's what hurts the most, feeling pushed to the outside and everyone else supposed to act like Switzerland, neutral, all very reasonable while you end up feeling torn up by betrayal.

Very nice that you got to see DS and his friend and your other family members. I hope you had a good visit. I think your kids see through the baloney and you are irreplaceable to them, I really sense that.

DD is out with them. has been since yesterday. She has just text to say when she'll be home and I'm using all my willpower to ignore it and not reply. As what I write won't be nice. I can't help but feel it. (like telling her not to rush or just not bother). In the past I would have replied without thinking but I am trying not to right now.

I really can't do this every time she spends time with them. I was calm, having a nice relaxing time but now I'm all clammy, feeling tense, angry... it's just a reaction but it's one that stresses me out.

What I want doesn't seem to come into it. How i FEEL doesn't seem to come into it. Making everyone else happy but me. The only person who can control that is me.

When I speak to my SOL on Tues there is only one thing that I need to counter offer - well it's not an offer as such, it's a non-negotiable offer. 50/50, DD lives with him and I pay child maintenance for the 2 yrs she's at college.
It's harsh for DD but I can't do this every time she sees that bloody woman. Right now I just want to punch someone.

... and what if, after 2 years, she turns up on your doorstep?

I agree that she (and he) is being breathtakingly thoughtless - why do you need to know when she will be home? When she gets back, tell her how you feel and ask her not to do this. Quote that bit you said "What I want doesn't seem to come into it. How i FEEL doesn't seem to come into it. Making everyone else happy but me." But I feel that to throw aside a sum of money which could make a difference to the sort of property you would be able to buy and therefore the home you would have for many years would be a knee-jerk reaction and not in your best interests. Please have a good think before you contact your solicitor.

... and just tell DD that when she is out with her father and OW, not to contact you (except in the case of direst emergency).

I suppose what I mean is, you could do this deal - two years' maintenance etc - and then she could still end up not wanting to live with him and you are £X worse off forever.

Telling me when she'll be home is as she's been taught I guess. Common courtesy, for things like dinner etc.. It wouldn't matter when she came home though, I'd feel this way in the build up knowing she'd be home at some point, text or not.

If I accept the 60/40 then it will be expected of me to house DD. What I want won't come into it. The letter from his SOL is all about what he wants.

DD won't have a choice. Once she lives with him she's not coming back. I can't deal with that woman and won't accept it. I hold grudges (as you can probably tell), I am selfish and need to live my life. I try to please others and be nice but this time if I do that I will be miserable. I'm not saying I'll be happy on my own - who wants to be on their own? - but I will be more relaxed and maybe on the road to being actually happy. Or tolerating life.

I do understand your comments but I can't do another 2 yrs of this with DD. I can't. Maintenance or not, bigger house or not. This is something that won't change for me, that OW was not part of my plan when I had kids. I expected to share my kids with their partners family and all their friends, but not this woman. She will be there at every milestone from now on, whether I like it or not, she will be seen as the 3rd parent and her parent(s) will be seen as the 3rd set of grandparent(s). She's not and they''re not. Never will be. But what I think doesn't come into it.
I can't watch it all unfold. End of.

Thank you for all your comments and kind words, I know what I have to do now and hopefully it will end how I feel.

Right now you are projecting worry onto the future, imagining things that may never happen.

Don't let that sabotage you and your right to your own good life now.

DD is choppering in and out, and it gets you wound up. Remind yourself you're not responsible for everyone's positive outcomes anymore. You have to plan for your own long term good outcomes.

You can move further out and not be convenient or available. DD can get her own place near school, work part time, and have roommates. That would appeal to most kids.

The world is changing rapidly. Kids are forming families much later in life, for one thing. You might very well not be a grandparent for another 20 or more years and by then you and everyone else will have changed in ways you can't imagine right now.

I have an idea how this pain feels and I know how much it hurts. The choppering in and out is not sustainable, I agree. I hope you find solutions that truly work for your happiness.

Apparently OW wasn't there. Which I find hard to believe as she lives with him. But I don't know that do I?

I can't sustain this no, I had been cool and calm all day and now i'm just a sweaty mess.
I am one to think of the past present and future. I just do it. Always have.
I will deal with it the best way I know how.

Of course you have to do what works for you. As long as you don't do anything self-destructive or self-sabotaging out of frustration.

You're just about to take a break. If possible use that to get some perspective and recharge. When you're tired you're more likely to feel overwhelmed. So recharge and then look at the situation again. Getting away is one of the best things you can do for yourself and you want to do that.

I don't know how to make everyone satisfied. If I look after myself then DD suffers (diff college, no old friends etc..), if I look after DD then I suffer. I am sick of making decisions. It's never-ending and I'm tired and overwhelmed.

Women tend to take on responsibility for everyone else's positive outcomes. I've done it myself. But I have had to stand back and say no mas. Feels like a huge weight lifted from my shoulders, let's put it that way.

Have faith that DD will not suffer if she encounters change. She's exactly the right age to make new friends and be at a different school. There's no reason to assume the worst.

And you really, really do need to take care of yourself first at this point.
You're seeing everything through the eyes of fatigue. Everything looks grim when you're overtired. Every problem becomes infinite.

Don't make any decisions until after you get away. You've been looking forward to that for some time. Go ahead and enjoy yourself and put all this other stuff on the back burner. It will wait.

One more thought... you're a smart, articulate person with a rare capacity for self-reflection and you have much more life ahead of you.
You got handed a raw deal by a mate who was apparently thinking with his little brain. Don't concede to him. Do what works for you as defined by you. You're the smart one here and don't forget it.

Well, we got back yesterday. I can never tell whether I've enjoyed myself or not. I like coming home, specially by the end of the week, when I've had a few nights of bad sleep (in a strange bed and uncomfortable pillows!).

Anyway, I was back into 'thinking about mortgage etc..' mode yesterday, trying to work out one last time if keeping this house was an option.
I saw a guy on Tues before we went away, he came up with some different options - 2 of which are a no-go - but also said an 'interest only' mortgage could be an option, I have done some googling and it's a minefield of info so I have emailed the independent advisor lady I saw in March to ask her opinion. Yay or nay kind of thing.

After receiving that info I was then going to contact my SOL and discuss options for the final offer STBX put forward.

Or so I thought.... STBX has emailed me this morning to state that his 'offer' had expired. He'd heard nothing since he'd made the offer, and even after contacting my SOL on 12th July he'd heard nothing. He stated that 19th July was the final deadline for his 'offer' and we would need to go to mediation at the end of August to sort this out.

He also stated in the 12th July letter to my SOL that he would be paying less into the joint acct to pay for the whole mortgage each month. He didn't tell me what so as you can guess I am panicking. I can in no way pay half the mortgage plus my SOL fees plus DD's bus pass (1/2) plus live life.

I calmly replied that my SOL had been away, then had to digest the offer, then draft a letter to me, and I had to read it, digest it and I had been busy so it's taken time. At no point in the offer was a time limit stated.

I also stated I could not pay part of the mortgage. And that is true. If I didn't have my CC then I could, but I will not pay all my disposable income out and be left with nothing. I will also refuse mediation.**

I also told him that my mental health was just as important as his and this situation is taking it's toll, so I can't and won't sort out the house by myself.

I stated I will be contacting my SOL on Monday, as obviously she doesn't work weekends, and I will discuss things with her.

I did contact my mortgage company to see what happens if the mortgage is fully paid each month. We are both liable as it's a joint one (obviously) so it doesn't matter who doesn't pay it will be a mark on both our credit ratings. I can ring them back when I know what the shortfall will be from STBX and then go through a budget planner with them so we can see what I could afford to pay. Trouble is, then the whole amount is reduced therefore STBX will also benefit which isn't the point IMO. (and he has way more disposable income than me). And he could then cut his amount again so I still pay more. It would be just his game.

** yes I know that refusing mediation will count against me but frankly I don't care at this point. I can't afford mediation and I won't sit in a room for nearly 2 hrs (possibly more) with that buffoon telling me what we can and can't do. If it comes to it then I will accept 50/50 and DD lives with him. He can't have it all his own way. I deserve a life too, not just him.

I have decided that if he goes back to the 60/40 and DD is living with me I will go down the legal route for child maintenance. We could do a family based arrangement but that isn't legally binding, so I need to apply for it and then we choose if we pay fees or not, but both are legally binding so I am covered if he decides not to pay for whatever reason. At this point I don't trust him as far as I could throw him.

I'm not sure he's even thought about that. He will try every trick to get out of paying though, it takes into account pension contributions so I can see him paying full whack to his pension so the CM payment is less.

Part of my problem with all this is I'm not one for making decisions, I 2nd guess myself with everything. Even after I've made a decision I think about what I could have done .... if I make the wrong one here...