Husband Has Ended it - road to divorce

[itsovernow1]

Hi
I've had a thread in the Relationship section for a while, thought now we're actually heading for Divorce I'd post a new thread to update here.
All and any advice welcome.

Link to old thread [https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2814181-Husband-has-ended-it?pg=20] hopefully that worked!

How are things, Op? Any movement forward on the legal front?

Things are - personally - up and down. I have good days and bad days.
I reacted better than I thought I would to DD going and playing happy families with STBX/OW and DS/BF.

Now STBX and OW have done it again. It's DD's 18th birthday next month and STBX has asked her to go and see them (I assume at their rented place) for the Fri/Sat before her b/day. I am more than fine with her spending time with STBX, he's her dad after all. But OW there as well? Nope not OK with. But I have no control over that and STBX sees everything as no big deal. My feelings aren't important, probably because both kids are adults so he sees it differently. I don't.
(apparently dd says (to my SIS) that OW doesn't want to be a mother figure or have kids).

Am I too sensitive? Yeah I am. Do I over-react? Yes, I do. But that's me.
Had OW not been on the scene before the break up (affair or not, I don't know the facts....for sure.) I may have felt differently now, who knows. But the insult that he decided to end it because he had her to go to hurts. And always will. Right decision to divorce, I agree there, but the way he's done it will not just go away - even with time.

Legal front - no change. No reply from his SOL that I know of. Or that my SOL has contacted me yet about. I can't be bothered to ask to be honest. It will just cost me £21.00 for the privilege of contacting my SOL and it won't make things happen faster.

I am looking forward to our break in July and then 2 days in Aug. Just staying somewhere different where I don't have to think about cleaning/cooking etc.. for a few days is nice. Hopefully the weather will hold out. I can handle it cooler/cloudier etc.. but not wet. Dry please.

A guy at work (evening) is having a party at the end of this month and asked last night for final numbers. Most are going and reluctantly I said yes. No idea why, everyone was looking at me so I crumbled. I am already thinking of excuses. I am not a social butterfly - I don't drink, don't dance, don't mix, don't talk. A party is my idea of hell - specially in a place I will only know a handful of people. Actually socialising is my idea of hell. Wish it didn't but it makes me panic. Add to that I don't have 'party clothes' like most people. My wardrobe consists of jeans, polo top and trainers. Literally. Oh, and trackie pants.

Oh dear, no. Not okay. When the "happy families" thing is based on a cheat or a lie, to me that is a form of emotional violence. When STBX pretends that it's cool, that his "shack-up" is equivalent to you, the children's mother, that's very disrespectful to you and hurtful for both you and your daughter.

Maybe she's young and doesn't know better but what is the message he is sending his daughter? That when some guy acts to suit himself and walks out on his family, hey, that's life? Let's be cool with that? I think not. What would he think of a guy who treated his daughter this way someday?

So, no, you're not being overly sensitive, imo. If somebody steps on your hand or kicks you in the leg, it hurts. Emotional violence hurts, too. It's a kick to the soul.

On other fronts... I have forced myself to go to events I dreaded and then had a fine time. Pretty much true of almost every party I ever went to :-) It might be boring, it might be exhausting, but it will also be a distraction and that's good for you. Nice normal folk having a get together is an antidote to the toxic nonsense from STBX. And dress the way you feel comfortable. You can't go wrong just being yourself. It's easier for you and people like that, puts them at their ease, too.

I just think STBX doesn't realise it hurts. He isn't in this situation or doesn't think the way I do. Not to mention he's been emotionally detached since before he (emailed) me about the split/divorce. He already knew OW and had processed his emotions before he left here.

He probably believes that introducing OW to the kids 6 months after he left was OK, or bringing her here (to wait on my driveway) at Xmas was OK at was over a yr since he told me he wanted out. He didn't even tell me she existed. But the kids knew before he told them anyway as he had't made it a secret on FB....
Don't think he thinks OW is a 'mother figure' but it still hurts that she's now involved with everything.
DD did say to my sis that 'she's not much older than me'. Got me thinking. Looking at the electoral roll stuff again, I think OW is 29 this yr (not 30/31 as I first thought). She lived with her mum and the mum appears quite early on, whereas OW only appears from 2007.... which would make her 18 when she appeared. Meaning STBX first met her when she was 27...... and he was 44. She's only 8 yrs older than DS! Born around the time I left school! Bloody hell. I couldn't imagine or even want to date someone that young. I know it happens all the time and works well, but it's not for me. Dating a 27yr old at my age is a no no! (not that they'd been interested!).

My problem is I haven't had proper time to process my emotions like he has. I've had work to deal with, tax credit problems, DD problems, my mental state hasn't been good.... it's just all piled up.

Did the two of you ever get a chance to talk it through, and if you had, would that have made a difference? Because I get the impression it wasn't like that, STBX made up his mind to bail and did so, no discussion.

It might not have changed anything but it would have been a heck of a lot more honest for him to tell you what was really going on. Needless to say, he probably wasn't interested in having that conversation, it was more like "Me go now".

I wouldn't take kindly to that situation, one where I would have all these unanswered questions. I suppose some of the answers would hurt but I'd rather know the truth so I could move on more easily.

In any case, I've never quite understood the May/December dynamic, or May/September, as the case may be. I see it happens often enough, certainly it's a cliche, but what's the appeal from the woman's point of view? You get some older dude who is probably really sure he knows "How Things are Done", he's on his way to wrinkles, balding, and Viagra,
and he has hair in his nostrils and ears. What's the allure?

After I got the email I rang him. He had already made up his mind for a while I feel and had been in a funny mood for a few weeks, which I thought was due to work stress. Nothing would have talked him out of it. I tried, believe me! He was done.

I will be forever pissed he still couldn't be honest even after the email. I mean, the marriage is over, why lie about OW being involved?? If it wasn't an 'affair' why lie when telling me who she is? At that point it was 6 months before they started living together so clearly they were a couple when I asked...plus the flowers on his bank statement kinda prove it (he never sent flowers to anyone so not a usual thing for him).

I don't understand the dynamic of younger woman with an older man either. (and it does work, I've seen it first hand). I mean, it doesn't mean much now but in another 15/20 yrs the age difference will surely show more? Specially in his situation, he's starting again, not rich. My STBX is a bit of a know-it-all and has an answer for everything so I'm sure she's hanging on his every word. Rather her than me now actually. I do not miss that side of things! (he's already bald so...!)
I have no doubt they'll last. If he's got someone feminine (I am the opposite!, I feel he hated that later on in the marriage), who is easy going and doesn't moan about anything and makes him happy then why not. They'll get married soon enough after the divorce is actually final. I'm even thinking they're engaged now. (his bank statements have a ref:RING on them, totals about £1500, could be something else but I'm failing to think what, all the amounts are different too).

I'm not envious, thought i would be but I'm not. I'm feeling more of a failure actually. He's got someone and I haven't so who's the problem here? Obviously me. I will miss the companionship of doing things with someone. Just wish it wasn't everywhere you look, even ads on tv have couples everywhere!
I do like the fact I don't need to answer to anyone though.

Once you get quit of STBX for good, you'll be able to relax and go out and do things you enjoy. I have no doubt whatsoever that under more chill circumstances you'll meet people. And even if you met Mr. Amiable tomorrow, would you really be ready to trade your newfound freedom for another potential boat anchor?

Before accommodating some other person's needs, wants, desires, opinions 24/7, take your time. Use this breathing space to figure out what you want. Then find the people who want what you want. Much easier that way, than trying to twist yourself into a pretzel for someone who doesn't see the world the way you do.

I suppose it's nauseating to watch him now doing hearts and flowers. When you see someone who has this seeming change of personality, who discovers Feelings, who is projecting all this Wonderfulness onto some silly goose, you can't help but feel resentful at being the one who is out here in the Real World, where there are bills, and jobs, and needed repairs, and so on. But don't mistake his delusions as any reflection on you, because they are not, not in any way.

@itsovernow1 - small comfort but the man the OW is getting is hardly a prince. all the problems he had with you are going to resurface with her, and I am sure she will be less forgiving than you are. if she is late twenties/almost 30 then she will have him on a shorter leash & I'm sure if she's not happy she will dump him brutally

he sounds like an awful twit of a man and it's a shame that your life is so tied to his, with the kids and everything. and like hell has he processed anything! he has compartmentalised you, which is not the same as working through your feelings. it's the height of emotional dishonesty, if you peeked inside his brain there will probably be a big lot of cells blaming you for everything & passing himself off as a victim.

His life situation hardly seems enviable to me. He has his salary, OW, kids etc but they are all castles built on sand. I wouldn't be surprised if you jump 5 years in the future and he is alone, increasingly desperate, leering after young girls like an old goat.

I hope that you will be able to work through your feelings, get what you deserve in the settlement & go forward in your life. He may seem like he is having his cake and eating it but someone like him is set in his mean old ways and that can only mean a miserable few decades ahead for him. You're well rid

And its dysfunctional that he has someone as a springboard from your marriage onwards. 'Having someone' i.e. the OW is hardly something to envy. I know the feeling will still be there, burrowing inside. It's unfair! He doesn't deserve it!

But what would you rather? Smothering your problems by a new relationship with someone as unreliable and treacherous as he and she? Or time on your own to actually work through your loss, grieve, put yourself first & learn how to be alone?

The first option is easier but their happiness will always be tainted. He will always be peering over his shoulder looking for who's next or worrying that she will.

MrsPawsitive - oh no, I am not now and never will be looking for anyone. Being single seems the sensible way ahead for me, and sensible for any potential future relationship that won't happen!
Safer all round! I have my issues that won't disappear - and being no my own means I can handle them better. I do like doing my own thing - well as much as I can with DD still living here. Once I have my own place I can breathe a little - I hope. Also, thank you for your comments and taking time to reply.

AsleepAllDay It's funny you mention the 'compartmentalised' part. He himself said he had learnt to do that (via phone counselling I didn't know he had even had). It was his way of handling things.

Whether a twit or not, we're both at fault for the marriage breakdown, can't deny that and won't, but the way he's dealt with things since that email nearly 18 months ago is the real issue.
Like he thought once he'd decided then that was that. Paying the mortgage and a bill (all that's left now, I pay the rest) is acceptable while racking up SOL bills and feelings don't count as it's been so long since he left. Trouble is feelings DO count and we don't all react the same way. Although I am reacting better than I thought I would in respect of him leaving. I really couldn't give a toss! I'm glad one of us made the decision tbh. But the fact OW was lurking in the background is the really issue for me. I'm sure he feels superior already.

If he ends up acting like his father then he really will be miserable!

I suspect you're quite right: I don't know why that "feeling superior" thing is so irksome, but it is. Just doesn't seem fair to me. I don't think "sneaky" and "superior" go together, anyway. Being able to enjoy doing your thing without all that toxic nonsense is definitely the way to go :-)

Well, I paid the tax credits off. That's a relief. I haven't had a confirmation from them it's been done but I paid online so I have proof.

My SOL has been on holiday and while away STBX's SOL had emailed his 'offer' through. She's written to me today outlining things. He's gone for 60/40. He does not want DD living with him, that's obvious. He's trying to paint the picture that he's being generous and I should take the offer 'to avoid more fees' etc...
He and his SOL didn't include any of the stuff I asked for in my previous email, with the kind of view it 'doesn't matter' and wouldn't affect the outcome. For the most part everything they've outlined is what I've been working on, so not a lot new there. Although there is an 'air' of they're doing me a favour.... and best to agree so we don't all accrue more fees. I did find out his loan for legal fees is about £6500!

There is a slight discrepancy with income on their form. For some reason they've taken his Child Maintenance payments (well, mortgage payments in reality) off his NET income whereas they've added the CM payments to my GROSS income! Meaning the difference in incomes is only £7k! Crafty! Even my SOL was confused about that.

He's also said that he will continue paying CM until DD is 18 next month. Um, he doesn't pay CM he pays the mortgage so why they have it down as that I don't know. It's confusing the issue. Plus, is he suggesting he won't pay half the mortgage after that date?? I can't pay all of my half that's for sure.

As I've said before, I really don't think he has any clue that he's liable for CM payments when DD goes back to college for 2 yrs in Sept. And if he's making her live with me then I will be going after the payments. Both to help pay for DD here (household bills and clothing etc..) and also so I can pay for her bus pass yrly (and then put some away for her for Uni/after college). I will also claim child benefit. If I can swing it I could pay for driving lessons for her but they're so expensive it might have to wait.

He has also said that any contents of the house I can keep, he doesn't want anything. Which I kind of knew anyway, as living with his OW he'd not want reminders from here. There's not a lot to take anyway, we don't have anything of value, the sofa is 22 yrs old for example!

I am pissed that he's also stated he won't be coming here to help clear certain things up and make the house ready for sale. Apparently it would be 'detrimental to his mental health' to come back here to sort stuff out. So, regardless of my mental health (I was diagnosed with depression too.... before him actually), I have to sort everything out. What a load of crock. I have to do all the work here (plus 2 jobs) while he sits back with OW and spends money like water.

He states he doesn't know OW's assets (if she has any) and hasn't disclosed anything from her. He mentioned how much his car and bike were worth but still didn't include those on his (mainly his bike) expenditure form.

I'm coming to the realisation that I won't get what I actually want - To live on my own. It's not exactly about not wanting DD to live with me, but more about wanting my own space to breathe for a while. I haven't had that.

It's always going to be something but this sounds like some progress, as the 60/40 is 60 to you, correct? And that's in part because he wants DD to live with you? I suspect that will feel a lot less onerous than you think for several reasons:

1. It won't last forever. She'll be off on her own soon enough.
2. Your present feelings are under the influence of this prolonged divorce. You will be feeling much better once you don't have the weight of this process on your shoulders.
3. Having her around for awhile will help you acclimate to your new life. Maybe not as quick as you would like but sometimes it's good to take things slowly.

However,

1. You've probably been sitting on a lot of emotions for a long time and you want privacy so you can now feel whatever you want to feel without an audience. I get that.
2. Privacy from DD sharing anything at all about you with your Ex and OW - you want that, you need it, you have every right to it. But I see no easy way to achieve that under the circumstances. What you can do is explain how you feel about this to DD and hope she respects your wishes in regards to maintaining your privacy.

The part about STBX not stating OW's assets... hmmm. I thought that was required in your legal system? Only you know if what he's offered is enough of a sticking point for you to protest.

He knows perfectly well you want this over, so of course I wonder if he is hoping you will overlook certain points, but are any of them of serious import for you?

Only your SOL can answer that question. I tend to take the path of least resistance unless something is a matter of principle. Then I get very stubborn. So is any of this a matter of principle for you?

60% to me yes. Although the figures they have used are misleading as the mortgage has gone down (as have the debts) but the house sale figure they've used is the higher one whereas my feeling is it will sell for the lower value, meaning their calculations are £10k out already on that (then another £10k down once I pay off the credit card). But I suspect they've done it that way to make it look 'good' and generous. As they've done with the income part.....

His SOL has a whole paragraph about DD needing a place to live (i.e. with me) even though she's 18 soon, hence the reason for the generous 60% offer...... It's clear STBX has no intention of having DD with him.

1. It's assuming her plans in 2 yrs still include going to Uni. We all know how things change... I have a feeling she won't be going anywhere... meaning even then I won't be on my own. Not sure how I'll handle that tbh.
2. Yes the pressure of this situation is getting to me but also the pressure of having DD here. Dealing with the things she throws up on my own. I am not good with that stuff.
3. Or it'll make me feel like I'm never going to get what I actually want. Could work both ways.

However....
1.Yes, exactly.

1. Trouble is, I don't want anything to do with EX/OW. Difficulty with his DD living here. He'll have to know where I live for starters. He'll know if DD goes away anywhere (with me on a hol). Or a day out. I want complete cut-off and it won't happen.

OW's assets should have been listed on the financial form but neither my SOL or his SOL seem to want to push that part of it. If it wasn't on the form I could let it go easier, but what's the point of asking for that info and everyone ignoring it?? It's more a 'i'm pissed' situation. His bike should have gone on the form but hasn't.

I will make an appt to see my SOL in a couple of weeks. I need time to think, time to work out what's important etc... and only then will I respond.

I'm tired of thinking I guess. It's never-ending.

Could you not refute this with your corrected figures and ask how you are supposed to afford a property with 2 bedrooms - ask if they can find one close enough to where you work?

Point out the unfairness of only his mental health being considered too.

If DD does end up living with you then I think you should have a word with her about what information she shares. My dc were a similar age when I divorced and I had to stop them telling my inlaws (not necessarily my ex, but they passed everything on) about stuff - it was because they found it hard to field direct nosy questions from them. I had to give them some example answers - usually that they didn't know or they weren't sure. But if they were pressed (and believe me these inlaws seemed to have no boundaries) they were to say that I didn't want my personal life being discussed.

Once they found out about a medical procedure I was due to have, and I actually phoned exMIL and asked her not to tell Ex when she next phoned. I pointed out that I was allowed to have a private life now which he shouldn't have the right to know about and that I knew nothing about his new shiny life abroad and didn't expect to and that I felt it wasn't fair. She did pass on less after that. You could ask your ex not to question DD about you and tell her not to just chat gossip about you to either of them.

I didn't really go away with my DC after the divorce - they were too old to want to hang about with me anyway - except maybe to some family occasions. I am now surprised by how much he doesn't know - he expressed surprise at my closest friend having got married. He didn't even know she had met the guy she has been with for about 12 years!

Also, as MrsP has said, it it likely your DD won't stay for that long - I would be encouraging her to get at least a house share.

Tbh, refuting his numbers will take longer, I will ask my SOL to include that they're wrong blah blah blah but I'll still accept the offer as arguing isn't worth it. But I at least want them to know they're wrong.
Round here you can buy a 2 bed flat for the price, but looking at Right Move it wouldn't be a very nice one. This is my last house move (that I can foresee) so I don't want to be stuck somewhere nasty forever.

I will also make my SOL mention my mental health, that STBX knows I was also diagnosed with depression, so why isn't mine being considered in all this?? I mean, he (in my opinion) partly left because of my mental health so knows what my situation is! But apparently that doesn't mean anything...

I will also point out that STBX not coming over to help do things around the house will mean longer to tidy stuff up by myself, it needs little jobs doing but they all add up, specially when I'm not a 'handy'; type of person! Grouting, for example, isn't my forte!. With 2 jobs to do, then going on a weeks' hol it won't be til August at least I get around to all the work. I need to make a detailed list then work through it.
His SOL pointed out that the house should go on the market ASAP after we agree the offer, well, not if STBX can't be arsed to come over - I do believe that tbh. We're talking about one day, I'm not exactly going to want to converse with him either... When he was here he never wanted to do things - unless they were already falling apart or broken! Clearing the garage was high on the list of least fav job too....

When DD and DS are with STBX I never actually ask them anything, not a thing! Partly as it's none of my business and partly for my sanity! But when she goes away with them for example, I obviously know (recently up to see DS...)
I just want to get rid of STBX completely.... one day!

Sounds like good plans xx

I am admittedly scared stiff of the house moving process. Can't imagine having to live anywhere apart from here tbh. I am comfortable here and the thought of going through the hassle of selling and then finding somewhere is daunting. Not just the house, but the area and the neighbours! I am not one for change and find it unsettling.

The other complicated factor with house buying is I now have to factor DD and college into it. If she'd lived with STBX or gone to Uni I wouldn't have to worry. She's changed colleges for Sept so won't be going to the same one as last time, meaning it's in the other direction, so my plan has had to change.
I have to buy in the same area we are now for local transport so she can catch the bus to college. That makes it more expensive than if I went even just 10 miles out of our town. (but then catching the bus would mean an extra 1/2 half on top of her normal 1 hr journey then 20 min walk....)
sigh All these things combined are making my head spin!

I don't think you should plan the location of your house around your daughter's college Over - she will only be there 2-3 years, (and that's if she finishes the course) and then you are stuck. If she changes colleges, she will have to do a longer commute that's all. You should ONLY think of yourself when choosing this next flat/house - you said yourself that you aren't likely to move again.

People aren't considering you in their plans - so the only one left to consider your needs is - you. If DD and Ex want DD to live with you, it has to be on YOUR terms - not theirs. If they don't like it then they can make other arrangements.

I know you said you can't really afford or want to argue the case - but I agree that you should point out that he isn't being as fair as he would like people to believe.

Couldn't agree more with Kaitlin, if buying 10 miles out gets you a better deal, go for it. As you say, you are likely going to be living in your new place for a long time while DD will only be going to school for a few years. (Perhaps DD could get a part-time job in order to pay for her own vehicle plus transportation costs?)

It is horribly unfair (and costly for you) for STBX to stick you with all the effort of selling your place. You must estimate the costs (including time spent) on whatever fix-up you do. Find out how much a professional would charge to do all that work. Add it all up and make sure you are to get compensated from the profits of the sale. If you sell on an as-is basis you typically have to sell for less, correct?

If your time includes sorting through decades worth of accumulated goods, how much is your time worth? It may be a drag to do all this accounting of costs but I am sure it is going to add up to a tidy sum. Why should you alone bear the burden of all this expense and effort?
(I have a rough guess of around 5 to 10% of the sell price ... can you afford to absorb that? I can't imagine why you should have to.)
BTW, I get the feeling OW has no interest in sharing her financial details with STBX, never mind his SOL or yours. Cry me a river!

Whoah - did I miss that? Surely you don't have to bear the cost of selling your joint property? That would be definitely unfair.

Also, if he is going to leave all the grunt work to you, then, as you say, he has to be prepared for you to take your sweet time over it. If he wants his share of the dibs fast, then he will have to pull his finger out, get over himself and come and sort out some of his own shite.

He and his sol have a nerve announcing that he won't help but that you need to get the house on the market asap. Does he think you are his personal lackey? Well I think he does. Does he know you are working 2 jobs? What a nob.

That house won't get on the market unless he (1) pays at least half of the cost of selling and (2) physically helps to get it ready for sale. After all, you are going to have to put up with the inconvenience of viewing, not him, he can't just sit back and leave everything to you and then get a big fat cheque at the end of it.

No, sorry, the cost of selling will come out of the equity.
The cost of my time and effort to put the property into a saleable state then go through the process of viewings etc.. is another thing.

Yes I could just put it on the market now but I doubt that would achieve a decent figure as it's cluttered and there are things - little things - that need fixing/tidying up everywhere. Not to mention the garage is full and needs going through to sort the crap from the good stuff. Then the shed will also need sorting. A skip is the only option and he will be paying half. That's not even negotiable. Any products I have to buy to sort the rest of the house out will also be billed for! The roof needs sorting as there is a (minor) problem and only a professional can do that. STBX knows and agreed to that.

He is using his mental health to get his way, now and in the divorce petition. Making it clear he's trying his best to help and make things easy but he's going through a tough time. Well, I think he's just a d*ck tbh. I have no time for him. On one hand I am glad he won't be coming over here as that would have had a detrimental affect on MY mental health!

BUT having to sort through all this myself and then market the property (well his SOL said we jointly do it - yeah right, how can he do that?) is going to be tough. I honestly don't know where to start. He won't back down either. His SOL will tell him not to and he won't want to. All the questions I asked last time bar a couple were ignored. His SOL and him wants this on HIS terms.

I need to make a plan and then work through it in a few weeks when I have finished the day job for the summer and we've had our weeks' break away. I also need help. Can't go it all myself so will - again - have to ask family. I don't want to just chuck everything as, until I know where I'm going, I don't know how useful something in there will be.

I'm just mad, most of the mess in the garage is because of him! Oil from his bike (which I need to take to the tip as skips don't take it), messy dirty tools because he never cleaned anything. I am hoping it will be a cleansing experience!

As for OW not sharing her financial stuff, well, she should have thought about that before they shacked up together! He has debts and now they have a joint bank acct she is linked to him.... anything he does could affect her credit rating. I don't understand why her information is asked for on Form E if the judge/courts aren't that bothered about it? (as my SOL says). That makes me angry.

Hmmm, I hear the sound of faint alarms, perhaps much ado about nothing... However, nothing wrong with a little extra precaution when taking on major life events, especially when there is quite a bit at stake for you.

Here are my perceptions for what they are worth...If you don't mind doing all the extra work of actually selling the house you ought to get compensated for your trouble, and you should have the right to make reasonable decisions on how to proceed.

My concern for you is that you get quibbled ad nauseam over every little thing by STBX if you take on all the responsibility of repairing, replacing, sorting, staging, etc., the house in preparation for sale.

After all, he has secured his accommodations while you will have the additional burden of getting new digs. Or, conversely, you might get much tapping of the watch, why is this all taking so long? Either way, much added stress for you.

You get the responsibility while he retains the power to judge, in other words? Also, what if he has a mental breakdown during this house sale process and becomes unavailable to answer questions that may occur during negotiations for the sale?

Do the terms of the divorce allow you to make executive judgments on how the house gets sold or is there just vague acknowledgment that things must be done and accord will magically be reached?

And is it spelled out that he will continue to make his share of mortgage payments until completion of the sale? He can't have it both ways playing the mental health card. It's not unreasonable to be concerned about his ability to deal with the very stressful life event of selling a house and going through a divorce.

You know who will step into the breech if he can't deal : OW. She will be the one handling his side of the process as his agent. An unpleasant thought to contemplate but what other choice would they have?

You will be taking on a lot of extra added work on top of the jobs you are holding and you have a right to protect your mental and physical health, too. STBX has back-up in OW while you are doing all the heavy lifting. You might be just as happy to do everything yourself but that doesn't mean you work for free.

To me the logical conclusion is that you should get 70/30. Unlikely that STBX would agree to this, however the 60/40 was because you would be taking on DD, not because you were handling all the extensive work of selling the house, the fixing, the painting, the cleaning, the time off from work for paperwork. 65/35 then. Money is what you get in exchange for giving up your time.

Oh, I should get compensated but I won't. His SOL is being very harsh about everything. I will make sure he pays half of everything I have to buy to sort things out. I won't hire a skip until he pays half for example. I will price up things before I buy and make him pay, otherwise I could be out of pocket. Anything more than that and I won't win. He will argue everything. He (and his SOL) already think they're being fair - and yes they probably are for Equity figures, but not this.

My SOL has already said that the courts don't take into account children if they are over 18 (just - in DD's case) or even STBX co-habitating with OW. Which is ridiculous. Children don't automatically leave home when they turn 18! And why ask about OW's assets if they're not important or relevant? Just ignore it if they don't take it into account. Bizarre.

As for mortgage payments, they have never been mentioned - all it mentions is 'child maintenance', which means nothing as he doesn't pay that so why they keep saying that I don't know. It's misleading. So I am slightly concerned he will turn around next week and say he's going to stop paying it all. Trouble is, I can't pay all or even half. Half would leave me with nothing (actually, minus nothing!). I would hope - given his daughter still lives here & could be affected - that he'd actually tell me if he was going to stop paying half/all and not just do it.
It mentions paying periodical payments for benefit of DD at rate of £110 per wk until her 18th b/day. Not sure what the heck that means as he pays more than that for the mortgage every month. ??

I am confused by everything right now. I need to make an appt with my SOL in the next couple of weeks, to talk and sort it out. It won't be until the 2nd wk of July though, as I'm busy, my SIS is on hol and my dad is busy.