Husband Has Ended it - road to divorce

[itsovernow1]

Hi
I've had a thread in the Relationship section for a while, thought now we're actually heading for Divorce I'd post a new thread to update here.
All and any advice welcome.

Link to old thread [https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2814181-Husband-has-ended-it?pg=20] hopefully that worked!

The biggest frustration facing you right now is not being able to get on with your life thanks to the legal process dragging on and on, isn't that so?
How much of the thoughts looping around is internally based and how much is the external situation itself? When you have more control of your life do you think you will be happier? I suspect the answer is yes.

|The biggest frustration facing you right now is not being able to get on with your life thanks to the legal process dragging on and on

This is definitely right - I checked, and it is getting on for 18 months since you posted your first thread. Most of this delay is due to him fannying about. This stage is like a limbo and he has kept you here, imo needlessly, for far too long. He almost might as well have waited for two years and divorced by mutual consent.

I'm definitely frustrated yes. Coupled with OW on the scene, it's all just 'there'. Now DD is going away for a couple of days I'm just thinking about everything.
I'm waiting for his SOL - or him - to contact my SOL and make that offer. It's like a ticking clock. Will he go 50/50 or 60/40? Will I be forced to have DD live with me?? Then I have to find a place to live. I keep looking at my garden and it's all looking lovely, yet I know I can't take the plants with me ( they're too established to even try).

He didn't want to wait the 2 yrs to do it mutually as it was 'too long', specially with OW on the scene. He wanted what he wanted. But yes, we could have just waited and I wouldn't be bitter about his 'unreasonable behaviours', which I will never forgive or forget.

I'd say though that it's 50/50 on internal and external based things. My issues won't resolve themselves in this situation no, but they'll always be there even after we've finished this process, if I don't deal with them.

Trouble is, I'm gung ho about going through processes to see someone then when it's crunch time I can't do it. I got to the appointment stage last time and bottled it, too many thoughts - where will I park, will I find it OK?, what are they going to ask me?, will I answer correctly? I feel I don't want to talk to someone as it won't help. It feels like an exam or an interview for a job. Now I'm at the same stage - I got the letter yesterday for an appointment - and I'm again thinking of the reasons (as above). I have to ring up to change it anyway as I'll be at work, so I either change it and go or just email to say I can't do it. (ringing up is the challenge to start with, talking to someone on the phone.....). Emailing would be easier.

Can't you email to change the appointment?

I keep making excuses/reasons for not doing things. Maybe I don't want to change? subconsciously. Possibly. Or the thought of going to this appointment scares me shitless. I hate going anywhere I don't know as I don't like getting lost, not being prepared. On a bad day it definitely won't happen. rockhard place springs to mind.

It sounds like you're experiencing a type of paralysis where part of you wants to make that call or send that e-mail but you just don't feel like you can make that move. It's as if your system is shutting down on anything other than essentials due to exhaustion.

It makes me both sad and angry to think you're going through this when STBX is acting so arbitrary. You're a strong, capable person who is temporarily overloaded. What he's doing is not right and you deserve better. Counseling is just a bridge that helps get you from the place where you are now to the place where you want to be.

kaitlinktm I don't know. It only has a direct phone number on the letter.
After reading it again, the appointment is in a different place to my original assessment one last yr. It's in a place next door, which I've been too before as it's a health centre, but you walk in and there isn't a reception desk or anything (blood tests are conducted there, pretty much in the reception area, so self explanatory). So I have no clue where to go once there. That alone is putting me off. I detest situations like this and avoid like the plague if I can. I know I need to go but getting there? That's different.

MrsPawsitive I'm pretty much in a 'can't be bothered' state of feeling right now, for everything. At the weekend I just want to sleep. No energy. But during the week when I have to work I just get on with it, I mean, I have to work regardless of how I feel. The morning job is worse as it's on my own mostly and I do have days when I'm crying while cleaning the toilets. Weird as that sounds. I have time to think, specially after STBX sends an email or something similar. The evening job isn't too bad as you're working with others a lot so conversations flow (and music is on). Have to admit by Friday i'm very tired, I'm not an early morning person so that also doesn't help my moods.

Still waiting for tax credits to tell me the overpayment, still waiting for STBX and his 'offer'. Things will get there eventually. I hope.

I'll plainly state my bias, which is that STBX's behavior has been and continues to be unusually punishing towards you. The divorce process is not fun, of course, but there is something about what has been going on that feels quite "above and beyond".

And if I'm right in this perception, and he continues this attitude, then I fear it will be downright damaging for you. That's why I keep saying "see a counsellor" over and over. Not because I think you're doing anything wrong or that there is anything wrong with you. It's him. I question his underlying motives and I think you should, too. That's my sense of the situation, that you deserve way better than what he is dishing out.

I don't know whether he is toxic for you but it sure seems that way. I'm not sure it's going to be enough to just wait out the divorce process if that's the case. His toxicity is harming you now, draining you of energy you need. And he may find ways to continue to be toxic for you, through the kids, for example. That's really not fair to you at all.

My family think he's acting very badly in this situation.The way he's going about things. Wanting a divorce is one thing, but how you handle it is another.
His email the other week, about my name change, made me feel like crap tbh. I always felt I was being told off by my dad whenever he did things like that. Talking down to me. Whether he knows he's does it I don't know. Has never done me any good.

Once I'm rid of him I hope things will be better. I know there is something wrong with me, I'm dealing with issues, so no excuse there.

Well, we all have issues of some sort of another. I suppose I mean "wrong" as in morally wrong, as in being arbitrarily mean, pushing someone's buttons for no reason, saying things to make another feel bad, that's the kind of wrong one sees with STBX's treatment of you.

It's just not right for him to always be putting you on the defensive. No, I'm not a fan of that at all. He has no right to try to undermine your confidence that way.

Oh I see. True. Now I look back I made it far too easy before he left (after the separation/divorce email). I was far too nice. I didn't realise OW was on the scene and believed him when he said they were just friends. Yeah right, 4 months later you're planning to live together and have a joint acct..... I've tried to be too fair and open.Sadly that's how I am, I was brought up that way.

It takes me a long time to form an opinion about anybody but right from the start I was suspicious about STBX's "good will". And I don't think I was the only one here thinking along those lines, if I recall correctly. However, as I usually do in life, I tried to reserve judgment. And you were trying to be fair and open, as you say. Well, I generally support that attitude!

But on the other hand, you can't negotiate with someone who is trying to take advantage. Taking advantage by bullying, hiding facts, omitting key numbers, delaying arbitrarily, on and on. And over this long period of time that is what we have been seeing from STBX.

And this is a problem. How do you negotiate with someone who does all these things? You're trying to negotiate from a platform of honesty, which automatically means you two are not on a level playing field.
That's not fair to you, clearly.

This is where SOL enters the picture, to help level the playing field. I can't tell whether that's happening? For example, was there another option, to wait two years and divorce by mutual agreement? I'm not familiar with your system so I don't know if that was on the table from the beginning?
And would that have been substantially less costly? Did your SOL tell you this was an option?

You don't have to answer any of these questions but that's what I find myself wondering. If you're not a fighter by nature but find yourself in a battle, you hire someone to fight for you. Or, if you can just wait things out and skip the fight, you wait things out.

So now, in light of all this, what do you do to keep the further psychic and financial costs to a minimum? I suspect at the very least your expectations of STBX have been substantially lowered from how you felt towards him at the beginning, at a time when unbeknownst to you, he was shining you on about the existence of OW. You're probably looking at him more realistically now and can appreciate you're better off in the long run without him. That's something right there.

From the start, the 'wait 2 yrs and divorce by mutual consent' wasn't on the table as STBX didn't want it that way. He was filing regardless. I agreed as he'd do it anyway, but I thought I'd see his 'draft' of unreasonable behaviours before he submitted them. That obviously didn't happen.
Not sure it would have been less costly, as the same process as we're doing now applies I think. But I could have saved up to be in a better position to pay fees.

I'm not a fighter no, I am all talk and then bury my head in the sand - unless it's a legal problem and then I deal with it. Those things don't go away.

I have no respect for STBX and can't wait to get rid of him permanently. We are still tied by DD's phone contract unfortunately, for 2 yrs. But that's only a bank payment once a month.

Oh I know I'm better off without him. To be honest, nothing around the house has changed that much, I still do everything I did before. Only the DIY situation has changed. I'm not good at that stuff. But now I pay people who are. To do it properly.

My problem now is how to enjoy life. Today has been tough, I have been very lethargic and really could have stayed in bed today. I have some time off in a couple of weeks (from both jobs) and I can't think of anything to do. I've looked at theatre breaks, theme park breaks etc... and - nothing. Nada. Can't justify paying for those. and can't get excited about them either. Going into the city (London) confuses me anyway but as I feel now? The words just jumble together when I read them.

Ah, well... You can't force happiness, despite all the ads telling you otherwise. It doesn't help going some place where everyone appears to be jolly if you don't feel jolly, does it?

Of course, being an artistic type I can highly recommend art as therapy. Get some paper and vent with markers. Draw how you feel! Let yourself express what you feel in a safe place. You can tear it all up later or save it to look back at. Art that is truly felt tends to be the best, by the way. This isn't a skill contest. It's about your feelings. Draw these people as you see them. Don't hold back. Clay is good, too. Very tactile. Try it, you might be surprised how much better you feel.

Still waiting for anything regarding the divorce/financial settlement. This is getting pathetic now. All he has to do is make an offer.

Right now I really can't be arsed to do anything. I'm sick of trying to be happy when I'm not.
DD goes with them tomorrow to see DS. I can feel myself getting angrier. I need to be out of this situation but it feels never ending.

I had hoped she'd be gone while I was at work but nope, she'll be leaving after I get back. I am picking up a Chinese takeaway on the way home to have for lunch (it serves me 2 days, so I can have it on Sat lunchtime as well). I had hoped it would be my 'secret' so to speak, just my knowledge (just for a change these days) but no. I just feel like I have no privacy any more.

I work Sat morning instead of one day next week, so I get the whole week off from the day job. I also have time off from the evening one, which may or may not be a good thing. I tend to think too much at home. And while feeling like this it's worse.
My feelings are being made worse by PMS - again. If there was a pill to stop this I'd take it. Going to the GP won't work, I go, ask for something and they say they can't help. Why bother?
I used to be into artsy stuff, but as I've got older I don't enjoy it any more (surprise).

the past 24 hours has been very decisive for me. I was calm. Until I got a text from DD about 2 hrs ago and then I tensed up.
I was free from emotions for a while. I've been working most of the 24 hrs but when I was and wasn't I felt calmer than I had done for a while. Because, although DD was them, I wasn't thinking about it. It could be like this all the time in the future. Her with them and me on my own. For me it's out of sight out of mind.
Yes I will have to pay child maintenance to him for a year or 2 (not sure of the rules on that) which will be more than half my disposable income after essential bills (but before pension payments and food etc...) so things will be tight BUT I will be able to breathe.
Selfish? Probably. But better for my mental health? Definitely.

Knowing what works for you and what doesn't is very positive. That's excellent! Setting boundaries is a good thing, don't you think? It's quite liberating.

When you said DD texted you I wondered if it was a "thinking of you" text or some other sort? Because "thinking of you" in itself is not a bad thing when it is from an adolescent. But if it's what I call "Unnecessary Reporting", as in "Having a wonderful time", that would be annoying. My attitude would be "DD, I don't particularly care!" And from my perspective, "Having a terrible time" would be equally annoying if I didn't want the drama.

Unfortunately her hanging out with her Dad and OW and then crossing back over to stay with you and then back and forth... most likely with Unnecessary Reporting galore... that makes for fuzzy boundaries. I totally understand how distressing that would feel for you.

In any case, if you're happy and peaceful doing your thing and don't like being wound up then avoid people and situations that wind you up, by all means. That strikes me as responsible, not selfish. First and foremost you have to take care of yourself. If you can happily do that I say fabulous!

DD text me to tell me what time she'd be home (although it was an hour later).
Believe me, my kids don't do 'thinking of you' stuff. I haven't spoken to my son since March, when he only skyped to ask if I could be a guarantor. I was 'useful'. I did message him beginning of April to ask about us going up at the end of Sept for his birthday (21st) and he said he'd get back to me...... I'm still waiting....

I admit i haven't been a good parent, I'm not cut out for it. I am too selfish.

I'm a 'challenge', I am moody and unpredictable in that way. I just like to keep to myself. DD knows this.

I am not going to wait to be replaced. They want to play happy families then let them. OW is younger, prettier, has a better job, doesn't have issues or moods I imagine and is probably more fun with their dad. I have always been 2nd best (or so it seems). At school there were 3 of us who went around together, guess who got left out when you needed to pair up for things? I will not feel like that again. I just feel like STBX feels superior now. 'look at me, I'm in a relationship' kind of thing. Flaunting it in front of the kids.

I am a loner as I don't socialise well. I always get talked over, probably the vibe I give off. I don't know. I am uncomfortable in those situations so I stay out of them if I can. I don't do anything of interest (hobbies, travel etc. etc. etc.) so I have limited conversation of anything worthwhile. Now people have stopped asking if I did anything at the weekend as they know I don't. Now that's sad.

I'm feeling particularly down right now, PMS as usual. I wish periods didn't exist. The bain of bloody life (no pun intended there). Just wish they'd stop as I seem to organise my life around them. Have the majority of the week off but can't plan as period is due. Heavy first few days make it difficult to just be spontaneous. Oh well. My problem. TMI there. sorry.

Texting to tell you what time she'll be home, even if inaccurate, is actually pretty good! I suspect DD isn't choosing sides. She's literally along for the ride, which is what kids her age do.

I'd always heard menopause was this horrendous transition. Maybe it is for some and I was just lucky, because it was marvelous escaping the clutches of PMS and endometriosis and all the rest of that nonsense.
Have you tried the pill? It's supposed to help somewhat. I couldn't take it because I had migraines and my doctor advised against it, plus I generally don't take pills. If you aren't planning on reproducing maybe you can find some way to dodge the monthly cycle. I don't have any advice, just felt like the whole thing cramped my style (sorry for awful pun, LOL).

Hope you feel better!

I know, it's helpful, i just read everything negatively. In this case I just tensed up, going through things in my head. I know it's my problem/issue not hers at all.

I have thought of the pill (or anything else that would stop the monthly cycle - I know the feelings could probably still be there, but the actual act wouldn't be missed). I've never taken it so not sure how it would affect me. I don't like the idea as I don't take pills either unless really necessary. I have never felt my doctors are much good or that I am comfortable with them, so I avoid going. I have 2 or 3 things i could do with going for, just to clarify whether anything can be done, but as they're not life threatening I don't bother. (but I am the 1st person to say others should go!).
I feel better today, even though we had thunder/lightening/rain keeping me awake last night. I did start this morning though so that could explain it. I say start, more like a bloody flood. I guess when I got up gravity did it's job, literally.

Apparently DS's eczema has got progressively worse and his referral is taking ages. I have money from the tax credits I haven't got to pay back so I have asked DD to message him saying I'll pay for a private consultation. Having seen DD go through it painfully and having experience of it when I was a child I know how painful and demoralising it is. I couldn't afford to take DD privately but i could help DS. I don't have endless amounts but I can pay a fair whack for a few consultations which could make a difference. (i've done some googling!)

Is it possible you're too hard on yourself? Sometimes it sounds like you tend to be. You wrote about not being a generous enough parent when clearly you are very caring. Helping your son with his eczema is just one example of you as an unselfish parent. You clearly want what's best for your kids. And I'm sure they appreciate you now but they will even more with time.

You have two life events going on right now: divorce and your kids launching into the world. The latter is actually a sign of huge success.
They are turning into adults, which means you did a good job of raising them. Give yourself credit where credit is due!

I think I'm just honest. I know what/who I am and all the faults that go with that. I want to be a different person but actually changing? That's another hurdle I haven't tackled yet. I anticipate things with eagerness but when it comes time to act? I chicken out.

I think I try to make up for not being the best parent.
Anyway, my offer seems to have been ignored so not sure how generous it is. I may not like being around sick people but I don't like seeing people suffer when they don't have to.

Why do we tend to assume the worst rather than the best in any given situation... not sure why that is, whether it is conditioning from childhood or just personal wiring. It's a thought pattern I fall into when I'm especially tired or stressed. I do see that some people who always assume the best are woefully unprepared when things do go wrong but they don't care, as someone else will pick up the pieces!

I have no idea why we think that way, I don't even know whether it's been part of me all along or something that happened over time. I think I prefer to go for the worst case scenario to prepare then when it doesn't happen it's a relief (like the tax credits repayment.....). I can make a whole situation worse though, by thinking so far ahead. I make up things that haven't even happened!

At the moment things are on an even keel, always the same, my period arrives and I automatically calm down. Even making plans. Taking my dad out for his birthday in July. I always end up buying the same stuff which isn't ideal specially as Fathers Day and his birthday are only a month apart. So this yr me and DD are taking him somewhere for a day out. I've booked the tickets so we're sorted.

I also added a night on to a day out DD and I have booked in Aug. The day happens to be my birthday so I thought why not stay somewhere, otherwise it's a 6 hr round trip for only 1 hrs visit. We can stay the night after our visit and then explore the local area. It's a bit pricier than normal but it looks lovely and I've never splurged on hotels before. (it's only about £120 but I usually try to pay about £70/80!). Also gives me something to look forward to.

Sounds like I'm spending a lot of cash lately, but I don't do anything else (I stay in most of the time and we don't eat out just usually get a Chinese once a month and a pizza delivery). Plus I am making sure I have plenty of spare cash via my spreadsheet. I keep a tally in a notebook as well to make sure it all adds up during the month.

It will be great for you to get a chance to recharge, you've earned it!
The weather should be perfect at that time of year for a little sightseeing, I imagine. Not like here where you can literally fry an egg on the sidewalk in August :-) That seems like a very nice way to celebrate birthdays. As I get older I find quality time is the best gift of all. I appreciate the thought behind gifts but honestly don't want more things.
I suspect your Dad has feelings along similar lines and it is wise of you to do something fun with him on his special day.