Husband Has Ended it - road to divorce

[itsovernow1]

Hi
I've had a thread in the Relationship section for a while, thought now we're actually heading for Divorce I'd post a new thread to update here.
All and any advice welcome.

Link to old thread [https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2814181-Husband-has-ended-it?pg=20] hopefully that worked!

Sadly no, not really. It could stretch coupled with the money my dad has, but should I really have to stretch when STBX can buy more comfortably? Why should the kids always live with the mother? Maybe I'd feel differently if DD wasn't lazy. IDK.

I don't do plants or flowers inside, it doesn't end well. Plus I have hayfever!

Got an email from STBX last night, well a notification as I was at work and turned my data on. I decided not to read it as I knew it would piss me off and I was right!

I just read it and he's an entitled twat. Apparently he's pissed I didn't inform him I have changed my name. Yes paperwork has had to change but it makes no difference to anything. And it's none of his bloody business! He neglected to tell me about OW and then living together etc... but this is his business??? No, piss off. It's MY name and not your bloody business.

My SOL knows and has changed my name on correspondence and hasn't made any reference to it being a problem regarding the divorce but STBX is making noise that it could incur costs and time etc... and he'll seek reimbursement from me blah blah blah.

We ceased to be a couple nearly 18 months ago and had my name change actually been an issue with anything I would have informed him but it hasn't. It's a name - on a direct debit or a new card - nothing major there. I'm still the same person. Actually I've always been this person but changed everything to marry him. I'm taking back me.

He needs to go away. This is why I need everything resolved quickly so I can block his bloody arse on my phone and email.

Haha! I didn't read the bit where he has' no issue' with me changing my name back! That's priceless! Thanks Dude. Glad you approve.

I forwarded the email to my SOL to show her what he said and to ask if there was a problem, she replied very swiftly saying there isn't a problem so don't worry. As I said, she knew so I doubt she'd not have mentioned any issues!

Hahaha! That's priceless!

Urgh, how rude and controlling of him! Ignore!

He's very controlling, indeed. I like what you said, you're taking back you! Good for you!

If you've filled in form e and he has, did he put OW's finances on there, are they living together? If they are he should disclose. Don't do yourself out of a good settlement.

Does he think he's doing you a favour by not objecting to you changing your name? That's big of him. He does realise you are divorcing - at his instigation - doesn't he?

Thank you for your thread itsovernow1.

I am in almost the same situation, although our DC are 5 & 12. They've been home educated (partly due to SN, partly as schools here are terrible).

After 12 years out of work (and SN demands) i have no energy, no confidence, and now no relationship. DH insists i apply for no jobs until both DC are settled in school - could be a long wait, there are no spaces at any secondary school here and long waitlists. He really doesn't get that i don't have the job choices he does (he has a v.well-paid, in demand job), and living with him, knowing he wants a divorce is heartbreaking - but I'm damned if I'll cry in front of him.

So sorry, didn't mean to hijack. Just giving you a handhold as you're not alone. As ppl used to say on MrsC's stbx threads KOKO. I do struggle a lot, but keep telling myself 'one footstep at a time', and i will get there.

maymai - He gave her annual income (rounded up to a neat figure) but included no other details - not even proof of the income and said he didn't know anything about assets or liabilities. I have asked my SOL about this, I had previously ignored it but he's being 'thorough' so I will be too..... it will obviously benefit him when the move into their own place.

kaitlinktm MrsPawsitive Dozer - the way he worded it was so patronising. But that's 'him'. Unfortunately. He also knows everything - or so he thinks. You only had to ask a hypothetical question about something random and he'd answer it for you. I hated that. Sometimes it's just a question I don't need to know an answer for!

KarenHL - Sorry to hear that. This site does make you realise how many others are going through it. (and that you're not having the worse time compared to others...). Do you have family elsewhere you can relocate to and find work? Easier said than done but homeschooling your DC's isn't easy so you obviously have confidence there. Use it. My jobs aren't rocket science but give me time out of the house and earn my own money. I still have my issues but won't let them affect my work as I need those jobs. (although I did panic Mon night when we nearly didn't finish!) You will get there. As for him insisting you don't apply for jobs, that's very controlling - not sure who you can talk to about that, but others probably do if you have your own thread (or will start one). Good luck.

Standing up to a controlling person is not easy, especially if they try to bully you. And when you are feeling vulnerable already, it can be a real challenge to find the strength to resist.

A controlling person always has to be superior. They don't meet you halfway, sadly. The controlling person always has to have the last word. You have to believe it is very liberating to get out from the orbit of a controller!

You're doing so well OP. Escape from a controller is incredibly difficult. I have every admiration for what you are doing

That’s not acceptable on the form E: hope your solicitor gets right onto it.

I didn't think he was controlling tbh. Still not sure he is as such, he just wants it all his way and thinks I'll do as I always did, give in or not make up my mind.

Feeling really shitty lately. Not even the sun is helping. I've done a few jobs this morning that needed doing and now I sit down I start 'thinking' again. I never switch off.
Beginning to think that waiting for the NHS stuff is a waste of time, I've done some reading on the type of thing they offer and I don't think it's for me. I need to get to the root of my problems AND need to deal with them, not just learn to handle them. Therapy would be better but I can't afford that. Oh well. I am resigned to feeling this way for ever. Sometimes I think my head is going to explode as it's full of things swirling round - for want of a better way to say it. I just get so worked up, it just makes me feel so frustrated.

Also got a text from DD at work last night to make my weekend even shittier. She was due to see STBX at the end of this month for their usual drink/snack and chat. Well, turns out she's going up with him AND OW to see DS and his BF for that weekend instead now. Probably seem trivial to some people but to me it's a red flag to a bull. He has shoe-horned that woman into my kids lives and I'm just supposed to roll over and go 'ok have fun and play happy families'. Nope, can't do that.

And before anyone says it's my issue not his/their's, yes it is and it's not healthy for me. Sooner we get the ball rolling on the house sale the better. Every time STBX or that woman are mentioned it's no good for me. I feel crap for days and it's not worth it. I need to take myself out of the equation. For me, out of sight is out of mind. Sooner DD goes to live with him the sooner I can get on with my life. Harsh but my reality. I know others won't agree with me and that's fine.

I did get some kinda relieving news though. The tax credits has finished with my 'investigation' from the compliance team. They're happy with everything I sent to prove I'm single. That's a relief. Just need to wait to still see how much I owe as an 'overpayment'.

I did get a letter about the recent overpayment (from 5th April) and I'm confused. I think they're saying they don't want the money back (about £13 ish) as it says on the back with the calculations that 'it's too small to worry about' (so to speak) but the front of the letter says I need to pay it back?? I'm confused and don't want to get it wrong. They give me no way to pay it back either which doesn't help. I will wait for the other overpayment letter (from last tax yr) and see what that says.

I'd be very hurt about the DC excursion with OW and STBX. Some emotions are primal, like the way we feel when we're excluded. (Doesn't matter who is doing the excluding. It hurts.) I know, the advice is probably going to be "rise above". But you haven't had time to balance any of this with your own new life.

Which is why I don't think you can afford to start building your new life until this divorce is done. As far as the therapy goes, I checked to see if they have the same site in Britain that they have here (and which I like) and they do have this: Counsellor List If nothing else it gives you a chance to window-shop and see if any of these people appeal. Some counsellors price on a sliding scale. It's worth it to find out if there is somebody near you.

Even though you are a very independent person who likes to solve problems yourself you wouldn't attempt surgery on yourself or to extract teeth by yourself, would you? This is just as important. Don't try to take your life back on your own. You deserve to have people who have your back.

I didn't phrase that well. I meant to say, better to start now to build a new life with new social connections and not wait until divorce is final. Not that you can ever replace what was lost but you can create something new and different. Building a new platform for your life is the goal.

I just feel that STBX has shoe-horned this woman into my (adult) kids lives and doesn't give a rats arse how I feel. But then again neither do the kids. After one meeting with OW she sent friend requests on FB and they each agreed to it so they didn't upset their dad and cause any problems. Um ,what about me?? Surely after one meeting it's not necessary to follow them and try to be 'friends' so quick? But if they all want to play happy families, then that's fine as long as I'm not around, which hopefully, once the house is sold, will solve the problem. I don't need to be compared to someone else or replaced by them. Easier to leave the equation. And healthier for me.

I suppose as they're both 'adults' (well DD will be in 2 months) that I should just suck it up, but I can't. My mind works the way it does and I can't let it go.

My life will go on the same way as it is now, I just need to be on my own. If I don't know what they're doing I can't get upset or bothered by it. I am not a social person, I just can't 'do' that side of life, I am uncomfortable in those situations, I don't 'dress up' like others do, my neatest clothes are a pair of jeans and neat trainers. I don't wear make-up or own a proper pair of shoes.

This is why having any other relationships is impossible. I only had one brief - and by brief I mean 2 dates and fumbles, at his home - before STBX. That's the extent of my dating history. Sometimes you have to accept that's it. I wasn't datable before, and now with all my issues I know it's done. I am trying to accept that but couples and bloody romance are everywhere. Ignoring it isn't easy. Makes me sad tbh.
Going to work is difficult enough, they all talk about what they've been doing and they ask me, every time I say 'nothing' or 'the usual'. It gets old and boring. They know not to ask now.

I've looked around for counsellors, starting price is about £50 per hr and rises dramatically. That's out of my price range, specially if I needed/wanted more than one session per month. If I went to see someone I'd feel obligated to keep seeing them even if I didn't 'gel' with them. I can't say no easily so better to avoid situations. Once I'm on my own if won't affect anyone else. I can go to work and act all happy then come home and be myself. At the moment I have to act somewhat 'normal' at home - most of the time - which isn't helping. Trouble is, I want a quick fix, and there isn't one. I am a very narrow minded person and if they asked me to do homework for this CBT stuff thinking outside the box I'd not do it.
Life will be OK once this is all done. and I can not feel guilty for just being myself.

This is why I avoid FB. If I got invested in any of that I would get my feelings hurt too often. So much of social media ends up either about pecking order or attempts to thin the herd. I'm happier without.

By "social" I mean getting yourself out to a garden show or a museum show, something like that. Doesn't have to involve dating at all. Whatever is fun for you. You live in a spectacularly beautiful country, there have to be places nearby to walk, sit and observe the passing scene, feed the ducks. Nature is very healing.

As far as the kids, I suppose they are like most young people, oblivious. Would it have been better if DD hadn't mentioned it in her e-mail, I wonder? I myself would rather not know. My attitude to DD would be, if you want to hang out with DOD (Dear Old Dad) and his OW, go for it. But leave me out. I don't want to hear about it.

To me being self-reliant is great. But I do think talking to someone can help lessen the circular thinking. Someone else's perspective can create some distance and can break the going round and round thought patterns. It's hard to make sense out of betrayal, right? How does one do that? It's no easy thing, that's for sure.

I don't really use FB, I thought it would be a good way to stay in touch but it's not.

The idea of going out sounds good but when I actually come to doing it, I can't be bothered,literally. I used to enjoy taking the dog for a walk. It was a reason to go out, but the inclination isn't there any more.

Trouble is, I'd know she'd be there. DD won't talk about it when she leaves or gets back. She knows not to as I've told her I don't want or need to know. But it's still going round in my head. Thoughts are there.

On a good day I do think talking would help, but on a bad day (or days...) I think what's the point? It is what it is. Maybe once this is all done I'll feel differently. I don't know.

It's not for me to say you're depressed but if you think you might be, then leave the door open to talking to someone. Even though I much prefer to solve my issues by myself, when dealing with a major life event that brought me down, I would definitely get a therapist/counsellor. When your mind starts to go from circles to spirals downward, that's when a counselor can help a lot.

If DD is like most kids her age she's mostly interested in her peer group and tolerates everyone else. Part of you might want her to show more loyalty but if she was totally loyal to you, then she'd be living with you full-time. If she's making the best of the situation from her perspective, going along to get along, maybe that's okay. It's painful emotionally for you now but for the best on the practical front, re: getting your own space?

Oh I know I'm depressed. I've felt this way for a long time though so it's normal for me. I don't understand how other people are so happy all the time. I do think this situation with the divorce is compounding my issues though. I'm just wondering what each day will bring and how much crap will come with it.

I find it difficult talking to people (face to face) but know it's probably the only way to deal with things. I don't trust easily or feel comfortable to be myself very often so it would be more anxiety to even go through with any type of therapy. Talking is one thing though, but how does it actually help when it doesn't solve anything? It can't change what's happening etc.. That's the bit I find tricky, how it all fits in and works.
Dd needs to live with STBX otherwise I will go even more crazy.

The difficulty is you have to do the things that will make you feel better before you feel better. You have to make a promise to yourself : "If I take these steps I will feel better."

You have to believe it.

That's hard to do when you're depressed precisely because of the inner voice that says "why bother?". When you've been kicked to the curb by life that's a natural way to feel.

But that's not a feeling you want to hold on to. When you talk to a neutral person whose job is to listen, you listen, too. It's easier to allow yourself to let the pain out when you don't try to do it alone.

And there are pills, too. It just depends on the individual. What works for one person might not work for another. I suppose the main thing is if work is going okay, then that's good.

That's my problem, I don't believe in all that stuff. I never have really so it's nothing new there. People have said 'write things down' or 'talk to someone'. I've tried writing stuff down, makes no difference, just makes it worse actually! As I then re-read what I've written and make changes, saying to myself that I could have done it better!

Talking isn't any different either, I do talk to work colleagues (evening) and they listen and give advice but that doesn't change anything, I still keep thinking over and over.
I am set in my ways and stubborn.
I am on a course of 'why bother' every time I do anything these days.

I have noticed a pattern with STBX though. When he wants something he's nice, when he doesn't he's patronising.