Husband Has Ended it - road to divorce

[itsovernow1]

Hi
I've had a thread in the Relationship section for a while, thought now we're actually heading for Divorce I'd post a new thread to update here.
All and any advice welcome.

Link to old thread [https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2814181-Husband-has-ended-it?pg=20] hopefully that worked!

MrsPawsitive
Not sure I believe in Karma! Haha! He and OW will probably last!

I guess I want my SOL to be a bit more forward with her suggestions - if I say something I always thought she'd turn round and say 'it's an idea but.....' type of thing.

I just wish he'd start being a bit more pro-active. I've mentioned the clearing out a couple of times but as yet he hasn't come back to me with a firm date. Although I did say the weekend just gone and next weekend and obviously that hasn't happened/won't happen.

Mary1935
Oh I know I am. I don't like fuss and I don't like making noise (so to speak). I don't like to keep bothering people. I moan on forums like these but that's about it.
My problem with the SOL is I don't want to contact her as I know I will get charged (or could possibly get charged....). Ringing up to ask for an answer makes me uncomfortable. I did email her once, as I'd sent an email and it had been about a week since and no reply. She emailed back saying she was busy but would be emailing me the next day with my answers. That made me feel a little awkward. So now I do give her about a week to reply.

Re; the house sale. Yep I did that last yr, I'm working on the lowest figure and have mapped out different scenarios with that figure in mind. Same with the settlement, I've been using all the figures there.
When I spoke to the mortgage advisor last week we worked off the lowest selling figure and the lowest settlement offer of 50/50, anything else on top is a bonus, meaning it's a lot healthier than I though, but obviously I don't want to take out a bigger mortgage than is realistic. I won't cause myself more problems with that.
Can't believe STBX hasn't mapped all the figures out for himself. Of course, until the house is sold and the settlement offer comes through I won't know anything for certain. But having an estimate has given me some ideas.

I was offered anti depressants but didn't take them. I really don't want to, can't explain it. I've read too many horror stories of side effects. It's funny, at the time I was prescribed them STBX was still here and he agreed with me about not taking them, yet he's now taking them! Hypocrite much??
I can live with it as it's just who I am now, but I know it affects DD. One of the reasons I don't want to live with her. Take yesterday as an example. It's a bad week (PMT) and yesterday I really wanted to rant and slam doors etc... but couldn't as DD was here. Which made me feel worse as I kept it all in and going round in my head. If I was on my own I could rant and rage without feeling guilty.
I just want to live in my own place on my own, go to work and then come home. No hassle and, like yesterday, if I don't want to make dinner I don't have to. If I want to go out I don't have to inform anyone. If I want a mcdonalds I don't have to buy someone else one (as can't afford it). I just feel trapped right now. STBX is doing what the hell he likes yet here I am trying to keep things secret, or to myself. I mean, I couldn't keep my appt with the mortgage advisor a secret as she comes to your home. DD was obviously here, albeit upstairs. I don't have any privacy.

I hate contacting STBX. Partly as I don't know what he's going to say - agree or disagree with - and partly because I feel like sh*t when I talk to/see him. Whether he ever meant to or not, I always feel 'small'. I hate it.
Trouble is, yes he will be out of my life after the divorce but if DD lives with me he'll still have to come over here to pick her up. Another reason I want her to live with him. As I know I already feel like crap just before, during and after he's been. Plus he'll know where I live. I don't want that. I won't know where he lives, I never need to go there for anything. I don't even need an address. But he will see my home, know it's address. I hate that. I can't stand the thought that OW is part of my kids lives, therefore part of mine (indirectly). She knows my business whereas I don't know hers. It's very one sided. I don't know how to handle this.
If DD lives with him I never need to know anything.

Yes the thing about solicitors is they take on a lot of work and then are juggling - I remember when we bought this house I felt we where always on the phone - it feels like they don't care and we have to push push push.
I'm wondering if STBX maybe more genre rouse than what you think? I hope he is and he takes into account his future situation. He will be better off than you and has a partner who will contribute to this.
Yes your decision re anti- depressants - I take citalopram 20mg and they have lifted my mood with no side effects now.
I see your waiting for counselling - these things can be slow.
It's good you recognise the need to RANT - my anger comes and goes but I usually scream in the car on my way to work or occasionally pound the pavements hard!!!

Your solicitor doesn't sound great.

It's very unusual for mine not to respond the same day, and he's always very proactive and positive (mind you, with the amount of money he's had from me he bloody well ought to be!)

Would it make a difference if you could vent to DD? If you don't feel like you can, if you have to keep everything bottled up so you don't upset her, that has to be exhausting for you. Or do you feel you must be careful about what you say to her lest it get back to STBX? Either way, it puts a strain on your relationship with her. Finding a way to keep the lines of communication open with her would be ideal. But I hear you about wanting to eat one's sandwich in peace :-) That made me smile. We've all been there at one time or another.

Mary1935
SOL's are a pain in the butt! Cost so much money and really take a long time to do something that should take 5 mins!
Well, I'm not holding my breathe for STBX to be conscious of the situation and offer a decent settlement. I think it all depends what his SOL and OW say. He'll be guided....

Anti-depressants - That was the one I was offered from the Dr. I've read some horrid things online though. My luck would mean I'd get them all, and I can't risk that, any of them. I need to maintain 2 jobs.

The counselling is painfully slow. I have to fill out my online monthyl form again. Trouble is, if I put the truth down they'll ring again and we'll have the same convo - again.

MrsPawsitive
I can't vent to DD no. It's mainly about STBX and her. But yes I do hold more stuff back now, in case it gets to STBX's ears.....
With DD, I still have trouble - mainly the lies in the past few months and all the college crap. I don't trust her. And she's never apologised or even told me why.

DD might not truly understand for many more years what you are experiencing now.

Young adults often take many things for granted, not least of which is you being there, taking care of everything, providing. It's what you've always done, it's what she knows.

Maybe she's testing you to see if you will keep being her rock. This at a time when you've been wondering how you are going to fend for yourself. It's mostly a case of bad timing. Not a good time for her to be testing you, I imagine.

And you might be thinking let her test STBX then! But he hasn't been her rock, has he?

It's an exasperating situation for you. You didn't bring this on but you're in the line of adolescent fire. Meanwhile STBX gets to slither out of range.

It's always okay to insist on being respected. if you're going to be the rock, then you get respected. That's how it has to work. For DD's sake and for yours.

The law is on your side - you’ve not worked and will get half of everything, maybe more. I HAVE worked throughout our marriage, always earned the most and now will have to give away my earnings while supporting the kids. Tell me how that is fair?

MrsPawsitive
DD is in denial I feel. I don't think she thinks her going to live with her Dad is a reality. But then again, neither does he! He isn't taking it seriously given his reaction when I mentioned it last week.

ginnyweeze
I can't say it's fair no, as I can't comment on someone else's situation as it's all different. But you don't think even half is fair because I haven't worked? Surely a marriage is, yes, partly about finance, but it's about a partnership as well? I did work at the beginning, I worked partly during (briefly I admit) as well. Then I looked after stuff at home while he worked his way up the ladder to the job he has now. Half is more than fair to me on this one. But I don't know your details so...

'Fess up, OP, you were sitting around eating bonbons the last 20 years :-)
No, not exactly!

When your partnership with a mate dissolves you might well discover lots of inequities that were there all along but overlooked for the sake of the family.

But I like the financial concept of "sunk costs", which I interpret as saying that whatever investment loss you incurred in the past, it is a done deal. It can't have bearing on decisions you make now. You have to write that loss off and move on. It's true for money and it's true for emotions.

Recover whatever is not a loss (equity, pension) and create a new and better life for yourself. You're already a stronger person now than you were a year ago, there's no doubt about that.

Haha! Oh yes. Have to say I did most of the stuff around the house, that I could do. When STBX came home all he had to do was eat dinner..... Oh, and wipe up the dishes I'd done before cooking dinner, so I could wash up the evening dinner things. That was agreed by him.

SBXH had the usual monthly meeting with DD today, well, WE had to meet at the phone shop to sort out DD's new phone plan, as her phone was broken. Sadly, as it's only halfway through the contract it meant we couldn't change it so it's still in my name - she and STBX had agreed on a new phone and monthly cost - as he is paying it - but neglected to discuss it with me. I had talked to DD and we'd looked online and I was under the impression she was going for a phone plan less than the one she ended up with. Kind of blind sided. Add to that I'm not a phone techie - as long as it texts and makes calls with some data to browse - I'm good.

I know he's paying for it but it's in my name, meaning I am responsible for it being paid and it will affect my credit file if it's not. Only on the way home after some thinking did I calm down. I need to change the direct debit to my account and he can do a standing order or DD each month to mine. That way I know it's being paid, whether he pays me or not.
He picked up some stuff from the garage when he dropped DD off, stuff I had got down from the loft last yr when he told me he couldn't take it because 'he didn't have enough space to store it'. Bullsh*t. He was living with OW at that point in their new rental so could have bloody taken it months ago. He also needed other stuff, for him and also DS, and I made sure anything he took I knew what it was.

I really have a difficult time even looking at him. I'm a mess. Not because I want him back - far from it - but my old life was safer than it is now. And I just get mad that he's made a fool out of me, having seen his bank statements he's living the life of riley while saying he can't pay me back for things. When I heard how much DD's phone plan was a month I nearly fell of the chair, which prompted DD to say 'well it's cheaper than the one Dad has...'. So there you go. I haven't yet 'ranted' at him. It's something I feel I need to do but can't be bothered (strange as that sounds). I'd go too far.

You should get a financial settlement of at least 60 per cent plus share of his pension. Do you have a solicitor because if you don't you need to get one.

Sorry, just seen you have one, but frankly she should be fighting for a bit of a better figure. 60/40 in favour of you should be the starting point, plus pension share, plus maintenance if the children under 18 are with you, plus help toward daughter's uni costs.

My SOL has already said that 60/40 would be a push. And a judge may not even sign off on that! (her letter depressed me tbh). I have no idea what STBX will offer so am waiting for that before I make any moves.

DD is 18 soon but will be going back to college to finish her final year. CM is payable no matter who she lives with. If she goes with her dad then I will pay. If she lives with me - if affordable - I will make him pay. (and I mean that literally, if I pay then so does he, that seems very fair to me). (I want a clear conscience after all this is done.)
He's kind of made it clear he doesn't want her to live with him and OW, but that's not really up to him if I can't afford it. That is something he has to realise. I don't think he thinks I'm serious.

Just wondering if there has been any progress with STBX/SOL? Has STBX made an offer yet?
I hope you are holding up under the stress, with at least the possibility of enjoying better weather now that spring is upon us. The first blooms of the season can help lift one's spirits after the long winter days.

Not a lot is happening to move forward.
STBX's SOL is questioning some things on my Form E. Some are justified and I will provide details, others are not. Apparently I have a secret bank account that 2 of my real accounts are transferring money to! No idea where they have got this 'information' from but it's total crap. I have my bank statements to prove it, and have forwarded those to my SOL to look at. I don't have the account they are saying I have let alone the money they think I'm transferring!
No idea where they go this information from though.

They're also asking things that in my opinion they don't need to know.

DD and I did the decorating downstairs. Took 4 long days and glad it's finally done. It's fresh and less cluttered.
Have been changing back to my maiden name slowly - well some places slowly and some relatively easily! So many people to remember!
Working 4 evenings a week can be depressing during the summer months, everyone else can enjoy the long summer evenings while I'm at work! But the sun does make me feel better.

No offer from STBX yet no, the Form E stuff needs to be addressed first. Then we'll see what happens.

Sadly I am awaiting the Tax Credits information to see how much I need to pay back. I am really really hoping it's not much more than they quoted a few months ago as I have that money to pay it back in one go, if it's more then that will be tricky.

Haha, great minds think alike: I did my own massive cleanup in recent days, fresh coats of paint, getting rid of clutter, that sort of thing. Not sure that is decorating per se in that mostly it was the "getting rid" that provided transformation, but definitely a much needed facelift. Feels rewarding, it certainly does.

It's good to hear that DD was helping you make things more inviting. That sounds like a lot more fun than trying to do it all yourself.

I can't believe STBX and his SOL are digging up phantom bank accounts! What's that all about? Sounds more like something STBX would do himself, does he play online for money, anything like that? Very strange.

It's almost like he doesn't know how to let go of you in some odd way, because what else can he possibly hope to gain with all these delaying tactics? He has to pay his SOL, I assume, so his tab is running up, too. It makes no sense at all, unless this is some form of attention-seeking on his part? Or is he a punishing sort of person, liable to hold grudges?

I wondered if he was just trying to wear you down so you would accept whatever offer he finally made. Maybe, but if that's his game, it's costing him, too. Acting like a bully to his children's mother seems like a foolish strategy, as well.don't you think? It's all very short-sighted for the long term.

Sorry for any typos, cat is walking on keyboard :-)

DD was actually very helpful. We shared the work which meant it was done quicker than if I'd been on my own.

I have no idea about the bank account they are accusing me of having. Where they've dug it up from I don't know as I have no clue where it's come from. I've never had an account like that. I have emailed my SOL copies of my bank statements to prove it doesn't exist. I am waiting on a couple of things to email back and then hopefully we can move forward.

I can't believe he'll have much money left after paying his SOL and debts off! No doubt he'll waste it if it doesn't go on a deposit for a new place for him and OW. Or to keep maintaining their 'social' lifestyle! He doesn't gamble no. Then again, he didn't drink either but apparently does now! Each to their own.

I have no clue what kind of person he is now, he did tell me he couldn't be himself while married, so if this is 'him' then I'm well out of it!

His pension valuation was dated May 2017 so that gives you the kind of indication of how long he's been keeping things waiting! Nearly a year later we're finally sorting it out.

I do fear we'll miss the 'selling window' for the summer. We're quite near good schools and people are starting to plan for the summer term later in the year and moving etc.. and if we don't get a move on we could miss the good time to sell.

Still no news. I did email all my outstanding documents to my SOL yesterday, so hopefully that completes all the questions that my STBX's SOL had with my Form E and we can get things moving.

There were a few things I wasn't going to give his SOL, even though she asked. Like whether I'd spoken to the mortgage advisor and could guarantee a sole mortgage etc..., and whether I'd be paying off my credit card with the equity. That's none of their concern. They also asked about more credit card statements (12 months worth) for the one I have, which I would have gladly given had STBX also done the same, but he only had one for each card. So no they won't be getting those! Not that I've spent on it, it's been consistent.
They also asked about properties I would want to purchase, and as my SOL even said to me in her email, that all depends on so many factors - none of which we know yet. The settlement will play a huge factor in what I can afford. I really don't want to max out a mortgage, as paying it back concerns me. I can't work out what I need until I know the actual offer STBX will give. And what I WANT and what I can AFFORD are 2 different things.

I did ask my SOL to ask about STBX's pension cash valuation, given mine will be current and his will be nearly a year old, I think he needs a new one. I rang up the pension place and received it within a week so he can surely do the same. Mines worth £10k and his is £61k (from last yr), so not huge but still quite a difference IMO. Specially given he can put away £200 a month after all this (according to his future budget in Form E) whereas mine will be about £20 per month!!

I have trouble understanding why you aren't entitled to spousal maintenance as you were a SAHM for many years? At least for a few years ahead while you get on your feet.

If STBX did provide spousal maintenance for a few years, would you be able to swing the mortgage on the present home for a few years (and/or keep the house in your name)? Then later possibly extend the term in exchange for a lower monthly (again, so you keep the house)?

Or you could possibly get a larger share of the house in exchange for a share of his pension. Not sure how that helps you keep the house, though, just allows you to get something on your own.

His questions about what sort of house you contemplate buying seem like a strange fishing excursion. What is he angling for? Maybe he's trying to smoke out if you intend to hang on to the family home (whatever it takes)? I suspect that's what you'd prefer, to keep the house. It's not just a financial matter but also an emotional and psychological decision. What do you think?

apparently Spousal Maintenance isn't routinely awarded any more. And tbh I don't want it.

I wanted a clean break, which sadly won't happen completely as DD's phone plan is still in my name (can't break contract) yet he will pay for it, he is transferring the money into my account each month. He originally was just going to have the direct debit coming out of his acct but I need to know it's being paid (as my name is on it!) so changed the DD to my acct and he will pay me by standing order.

I can't keep this house no matter how we swing the figures. And I have come round to the idea of moving, I just don't want to end up somewhere I hate and forced to have DD live with me. This house does need work and it's just too much money to keep going. A 2 bed house with a small garden would be ideal , I'm just hoping it's not out of my price range completely. I'd even settle for a 1-bed. I don't want leasehold, I want it to be mine.

I am resigned to 50/50 share of the equity and anything above that is a bonus. We also have to sell the house for the minimum I've been working on otherwise that will impact greatly on my next purchase.

He knows I can't keep the family home. It's just too expensive, specially as I have to pay him off. He won't be getting that info anyways. I don't care how they pressure me, I want some things private.

I took a very casual look at Wikivorce's search function and there are a number of very interesting discussions there about spousal maintenance (what we typically call alimony). It's not as common as it used to be here, either, but it is definitely still in play. I can understand wanting to be independent as possible, however, because if you can't trust someone, why would you want to be dependent on them for anything?

"We also have to sell the house for the minimum I've been working on otherwise that will impact greatly on my next purchase." Do you mean present house can't sell below a certain price if you're going to get enough for new house? Even a house with deferred maintenance (no one's house is perfect, new builds included, if you ask me) sells quickly if schools are good, amenities are nearby, and so on. But even under best of circumstances, moving is one of those life events that one tends to dread. Have you started getting rid of things you don't want to move (heavy furniture, for example) or do you have to wait until divorce is final? Getting rid of things can feel quite good if it puts you on the road to freedom!

Exactly. I want rid of him ASAP when all this is done. Just a shame DD's phone is still connecting us. As soon as the 2 yr period is up she'll get her own contract.

Yep, I have a minimum figure in mind (the lowest of the lowest valuations) and I personally think it's worth it - at least, looking online etc... We have some of the best schools (one literally 5 mins walk up the road), nice friendly well kept road, the amenities are all within walking distance and the house is on a decent plot of land, meaning the scope for future expansion are pretty good. It's a lovely house that needs updating a little or some TLC in the kitchen and bathroom mainly.

Obviously STBX still has to come over to go through the garage and just decide if he wants any furniture in the house - although I'm assuming even though he'll want some of the garage stuff he won't want anything else, mainly as he and OW won't want our marital stuff. Suits me tbh, as I am more than happy to take most of it! He's already made it clear he wants none of the white goods as he had costs down on his Form E to replace those.

I will throw some furniture as it's rubbish (literally, warped and cheap!) but will wait until I know where I'll be living before deciding on the final furniture to take. I have already decided to buy a smaller bed, it'll be 'mine' and also this current one is 20 yrs old so I'm due a new one! (not to mention I can't make the king size duvet on my own easily!)
I have gone through some stuff and had a little clear out, making sure anything I don't want DD asks STBX if he wants, by the way of sending a pic etc.. So far he hasn't wanted anything. (we cleared the downstairs to decorate so DD and I went through various things). (we also asked DS).

I am dreading moving mainly as I have so much stuff! Boxing it all up seems painful! Specially as I have no clue if I'll have space for most of it. I know I have to be firm with myself, and I'm trying to be, but it's tough. I'm not a 'hoarder' as such, but I do like to keep things that have a connection with me.